A couple weeks ago, I wrote about the harsh reality of knowing not everyone you minister to or pray for will be saved right away where you can see it or sometimes even at all. I learned this at a pretty young age and shared my story of coming to terms and making peace with that and the hope God provides nevertheless. Near the end of that post, I talked about how God showed me some things to help me heal from the disillusionment it caused. That’s the other side of the story I wanted to cover in a little bit more detail to keep you encouraged even amidst all the unknown and uncertainty in life.
When that situation happened where I reached out to someone and then thought their situation worsened, it rocked my faith I’d been working so hard in cultivating to believe God for a miracle. It’s something we’re all taught but hard to accept: that sometimes, having as much faith as possible still doesn’t get you the outcome you want if it’s not God’s will or timing. And we just don’t always know those reasons for why it might not be, and it can be a headache and unnecessary burden trying to figure them out.
There’s a better way, and it’s called trust. Even when you can’t see God’s ways, you have to trust His character, heart, promises, and previous actions. In the meantime, I tried to remember that. I had no other option but to move forward in faith, trusting that the story isn’t over yet. I wrote numerous posts on redemption and believing God is at work despite it seeming impossible. Trust isn’t always easy, especially when you hear about it all the time and lose heart, becoming cynical and hurt by disappointing circumstances. There is also hope even then.
But it’s hard. We all know pain and patience are part of life, but you also hear about people sharing their testimonies with miracles God gave them, and there’s that temptation to compare. You begin thinking, why would God bless them with a miracle but not me? I think most of us know it’s irrational to doubt God’s love, but nevertheless, our feelings testify against us with our own understanding of things, and we find it hard to fathom how a God Who says He loves us so much would bless others more than us or not answer all the prayers we have, especially when we think our intentions are good. There’s a saying we literally just discussed in my ethics class today that is so relevant to this, and I’m going to share that at the end to bring everything together.
I also want to once again invite you to subscribe to my mailing list, and by signing up here, you’ll receive a free printable with 10 quotes from my journals that remind me now to trust God!
This was my mindset sitting at church one morning about a month later. It would be the beginning of a long battle with my emotions, always confronted with doubts and lies about how I felt and needing to constantly remind myself of what I knew to be true about God and His plans despite what I could see and discern.
On this particular morning, I wanted to believe and feel good about trusting God’s plans for me and the people I was praying for, but I was struggling. I remember we had a guest preaching about their ministry and sharing the amazing ways God was providing for them, and their story included a fair amount of trials but also wonderful ways God had miraculously provided. I wanted to be encouraged by that, but I felt bad about myself, so eager at that age to be part of ministries, like prison ministry some other people at my church did, and I knew because of my age, I couldn’t, but I still didn’t understand why God wasn’t providing in the situations I’d felt He’d led me to pray over.
Afterwards, we hung around for a little bit. I had been happily surprised that morning because one of the people from our summer Bible study had come back for a weekend, and they were part of the prison ministry I’d been hearing about. I wanted to find them and say goodbye before leaving, and we ended up talking to his wife for a bit, whom we’d never met before. She would mark the beginning of teaching me a lesson I would continue learning over the years. I really looked up to her husband and we talked about that, but what I didn’t know is that he’d also been talking about me and how I inspired him.
I literally had no idea when she said that. I was so impressionable back then and still can be to some extent; it was like finding out one of your idols has been admiring you all this time, which sounds silly to say about someone in my church ’cause I know they never take glory or credit for any of the work they do, but I admired them for their faith and passion for ministry. I just never thought that anyone could feel that way about me. Even though I knew I was serious about my faith and people had praised me for it before, I had major imposter syndrome because there was this belief (that I honestly still kinda have) that I needed to achieve my goals and do something meaningful with my life before I could impact anyone. I just hadn’t felt like I’d done anything. Yes, I had a blog, but it still felt like it hadn’t taken off to me, and I wasn’t leading anything or part of any ministries. I was just trying to keep my head above water amidst feeling lonely at school and fighting with my own emotions.
I can still see this woman clear as day in my mind wearing a pretty church outfit and subtle, shiny lip gloss as she said to me in a warm yet knowing, confident voice, “You may never know how many you’re reaching….”
That was such a personal treat from God to me. Maybe it wasn’t earth-shattering and miraculous, but to my weary, insecure heart, it gave me hope; it reminded me of God’s attentiveness to me despite my feeling overlooked; and, more than anything, it showed me that how I think isn’t always how things are. He is working behind the scenes. This guy had never verbalized any of this to me; I hadn’t seen him since the summer. He would later comment on some of my posts, but the point is, I never would’ve understood the extent of my impact had she not told me. And there would be numerous more instances like that to come over the years with this blog, among other things.
Unfortunately, life goes on, which is good and bad. It’s good to know that on dark days, good things are coming. But it’s also important to know you can’t idolize the good days, hoping to live in them forever. Life ebbs and flows. You don’t need to be afraid of that, but it’s important to rely on God and not just the signs or blessings or affirmation He provides. As the year wrapped up and so did freshman year with me still feeling largely ostracized, lonely, and under-accomplished, I was still struggling daily to have faith and not let emotions get the best of me. The only friends I had at this time were people I was friendly with in classes, which changed every trimester, and a wonderful senior student who had been mentoring me since I was in eighth grade. We had become close and she was always so encouraging and genuinely kind. She was an incredible light in my life during such a discouraging season.
I was so sad when I knew she’d be graduating and leaving the state for college, but I was happy for her. She was and still is special to me. When we went to her graduation party, which was so lovely in a big room at her church with lots of flowers, food, and pictures, we talked to her dad for a bit, who is also so kind. As we got chatting, he brought up an essay she wrote for college that he said was so complimentary of me. He didn’t know she hadn’t told me about it, and I was so touched. She told me later on when we saw her that she’d been inspired by me reaching out to this person, the whole situation I talked about previously, and that I helped her get into college! I don’t know if she would’ve told me about it had her dad not said something.
I could go on with stories like this. I’m not mentioning any of this to invoke jealousy but rather to inspire you to think about your own moments like this. You don’t want to idolize things like this or think about them more than God (I mentioned how sometimes I could get manipulative with Him in the post I originally wrote, but He also wants us to trust Him even when we aren’t receiving signs—read Psalms for comfort on how to do that!). And if you’re new to trusting God or struggling with that, keep hanging on and believing. He rewards those who seek Him in faith and can see beyond your fickle emotions (Hebrews 11:6).
The point of all of this is to say that it’s really easy to assume things. Especially in the west, I also learned in my media ethics class that we are so incredibly materialistic—not just in our consumption of goods but in our actual philosophy of the world. Materialism holds that only things that can be measured are real. How often does that guide our perceptions? Maybe here more than anywhere else, we want to walk by sight and cold, hard numbers and facts, not by faith. When I was a little kid, one of the things I was good at was having that childlike faith. As I grew up, I too became indoctrinated with this philosophy. Even now, it’s a struggle. We want to be able to see results and measure things. We’re taught to always be closing the deal on achieving all our desires and needs. But as we also talked about in media ethics, we are potentially losing a whole dimension of our souls thinking that way. As Christians, I know we are. The very essence of our lives hinges on faith. There will always be things you can’t measure or see going on behind the scenes. Don’t let society harden you to that. The best things in life can’t be measured.
Israel witnessed so many miracles yet constantly kept rebelling against God, always demanding more. Jesus’s disciples still doubted Him when He tried to explain what was about to happen to Him. It’s too easy to forget and just not understand from our perspective.
In the context of my story I’ve been telling about this situation, I did move on with time, still praying but knowing the outcome isn’t up to me. God blessed me with so many instances where I felt like I could let go more easily with time because I saw His encouragement in other ways, and that helped me trust Him more.
Then, last night as I was writing this and finding old posts to link here, I found one where I recapped this year as a whole, and it almost gave me chills because I realized there was something I wrote about this situation in that post I completely forgot about until reading it. It was this little detail about how that morning, when I had been praying about the outcome, I felt like God was telling me to wait on Him. I didn’t like that at the time because that isn’t what I wanted, but it came back to me afterwards and encouraged me. Even now, that blew me away because I didn’t remember that. It goes to show (1) the importance of journaling and writing things down that God lays on your heart ’cause you WON’T always remember and (2) what I’ve been saying all along, how sometimes the timing is off and it doesn’t mean God has abandoned you or the situation.
I mentioned I’m still waiting, but as the months followed, I wished I’d make connections and get opportunities I never thought possible. I was so cynical and skeptical. But as the years went by, a lot of those connections did end up happening. It takes time and you don’t know how things are going to come full circle or how one day you’ll see what God was doing, but believe that He knows what He’s doing for your best and keep holding on to that even when it hurts.
Here’s what my professor said in class yesterday that stuck with me…
You don’t know what you don’t know.
Yesterday and today, I’m cynical about something else. It still pertains to my future and prayers, and it’s a different desire and situation with the same tests of faith. I definitely don’t respond with the patience and trust I know I should. My emotions can be so strong. And as my professor was talking about some of the incredible things his former students had went on to do, that’s what he kept saying, how we don’t know what we don’t know; they were students just like us at one point.
I don’t tend to view my future positively anymore. I know that probably sounds ridiculous because I’m still pretty young and you all have been so encouraging, but there have been several things I’ve hoped for that haven’t come to fruition, and it hurts after a while. It gets harder to justify and hold out hope for. I’m in a season where I’m filled with uncertainty about all that is to come in life, and I hate it. The world tries to harden you as you realize so many of your childhood dreams aren’t as attainable as you may have once believed, even with hard work. So when he’s going on reiterating this, I just want to let out weary sighs. Because I don’t know what I don’t know, and it’s hard. But that’s what having faith is. And that’s what God promises to reward.
I want to share that line my church friend’s wife shared with me that is so closely related to this: you may never know how many you’re reaching. You never know how your faith today will be rewarded in years and decades to follow. It’s easy to get discouraged thinking about how hard it can be, so try not to get caught up in that. Pray for God to help your unbelief and give you His strength and encouragement day by day (Mark 9:24). I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: some of the best things in life aren’t always seen. You don’t know what good is coming so don’t lose heart.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV