This is quite a dramatic title, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. In fact, I’m not going to lie, when I thought about what to title this post, it just came to my mind, and I swooned. It may seem a little excessive for what I want to share with you, but it’s actually perfect because I want to post some thoughts I typed out on a document at 12:49 am in a hotel, when I was visiting family up in the Twin Cities, when my aunt was in the final stages of her life.
It’s not easy to address terrible heartbreak like that. Situations like that remind me of how this world has fallen so far from what it was designed to be, and they don’t let me get too comfy and preoccupied with all the toys and games this world offers. Of course, I want to live life to the fullest, and that’s something this situation definitely taught me, but I want to live in such a way that is so set apart, so beyond the things that this world promises will offer joy. I want to live for the glory of God because that is how we were created to live, and circumstances like these remind me that this is the only way to true joy, love, and hope.
When I got back to the hotel that night, I did not write long—or much—but I think out of this came some deep insights and perspective on how I should be living and who I should be living for. Being in the Cities always makes me wistful, but ultimately, future success means nothing without God at the center. I hope some of these thoughts can inspire and encourage you in the middle of whatever dark night you are in. This document came about as my attempt to reflect on what was happening with my aunt but also just life in general. I know I joke a lot, about struggling with my emotions and such, and a lot of those are real struggles, and some of them are more along the lines of created drama. The fact remains, though, that I’ve seen a lot of ugly situations in my life, and I’ve been part of some of the darkest nights myself. Through it all, though, I can write this and know, without a shadow of a doubt, that the thoughts I’ve outlined below show the meaning of life—and that’s Jesus. It is all about Him. And thank God, on those dark nights, He has shone all the brighter. Maybe that’s why there’s something about those city lights that makes me think of a new world…
“Life is so finite. I’m watching my aunt struggle to her death with a disease that came about because of the sinful nature of this world. Upon entering the cities, I watch with a peculiar curiosity as each of the cars buzz by; we call it the ‘wasp’s nest.’ Each person has a life and story as complex and deep as mine. It’s hard to fathom. That each person has goals like I do and restlessness like I do and sin like I do and dreams like I do and a need for God that we all are ingrained with.
There are so many deep questions I don’t know the answers to. But I do know that God knows and feels this pain: it’s why He came down to earth and died on the cross, to deliver us from it and save us of our own mess we created, to ensure in us a hope that will never fade. This life is only a mere reflection of that: of sharing His love with broken hearts and being there in the midst of storms and carrying that otherworldly peace and hope that the world doesn’t understand but has a craving for that it tries to meet in alcohol, in drugs, in money, in material things, in sex, in partying, in people…and it goes on forever. But amidst the brokenness and the plastic exteriors people put on of their lives is a deep, raw need for something deeper. We’re all going in different directions, and so many people are just surviving, going through the motions, trying to create the good life.
Jesus is the answer to it all. All of our truest, rawest emotions: He’s felt them. All of our suffering and despair: He took it on Himself. All of our filthiness: He died for it.
Because of that, we can have this delirious joy that makes us look insane to the world, but we know the truth: there is a God who loves us so much He was willing to take our pain and die for our sin to rescue us from this broken world. He endured the brokenness, and so will we. But the beautiful hope still remains.
Life is finite. He is infinite.
That is worth spending every breath on.
My prayer, everyday, is that when I feel these, these melancholy feelings that leave me with an urge and restlessness to reach people, is that any success I may have in this life can be used to glorify God. What a beautiful life it is when one knows Him because even in the darkness, we can still smile and say, without a power of our own, you know what? I’m doing okay. I’m more than okay. Because this is temporary and leads to something so much greater.
That’s Him.<3”
