Well, it’s hard to fathom that the day has come so quickly where I’m writing this post, where I’m the senior about to graduate. I still remember this post that I wrote, when I felt it was surreal how I was already the eighth-grader ready to take on high school… Wow. I already feel like an older person always griping about where the times goes, but it does keep moving along, even when you don’t feel like it is.

I have actually been getting excited to write this post and dreaming about what I wanted to say for awhile. I’m glad high school is almost finally done, that now I can reflect on it all in hindsight, and use the insight I’ve gained to move on with life. I will have a couple disclaimers before getting real deep into this post. Let’s start with the obvious and what you all probably expect by now: this will be a book. I could try to say I’ll keep it short, but I know I won’t. I can’t help it, honestly; I love to think and reflect, and I’m just not the type of writer who quickly whips something up and pushes it out in a day. It’d probably be better for all of us if I was, but I like pouring my heart into my writing, which takes time and makes it thorough. I will try in the future for shorter posts…but this is just not going to be one of them. I’d rather say it now than write 150 times throughout the post “wow look at this book I’m writing!!!” Well, I have always been a novelist, not a short story writer. In fact, I quickly realized it about makes several novels for me to completely recap high school the way I want to, so this is actually going to be a series divided into three parts: freshman year and that transition, sophomore and junior year since they were similar, and then senior year with my final takeaways, favorite songs, and quotes. Anyway, I understand if you only read parts of this post; whether you just glance at it or read every word, I appreciate it all nonetheless.

Secondly, this post is gonna be juicy. 😉 Just kidding, but it may be a bit controversial or potentially offend some people…such as all my peers I went to school with…if they read this. I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to offend anyone, but I do want to share my honest, authentic feelings I had throughout high school, and as I’ve already mentioned numerous times on this blog before, I have felt extreme loneliness and rejection/neglect from my peers. Again, I know some might read that and take offense to it, but I felt what I felt, and I’ll acknowledge my part in that as well, and no, I’m not trying to make this a huge gossip/drama post ranting against all of them, but after going through high school, I do feel as though I have the right to share how I felt and what my experiences were like. So I guess if you think that’s something that’s going to upset you…don’t read this post? It’s really not about my peers so much as it is my own feelings and lessons learned, but there will be that element simply because peers and social aspects are basically as much a part of school as the educational aspect, so I’m going to talk about it and my struggles there.

I do want to give a little bit of context before diving into this, as well. In my middle school post, God revealed to me things like my purpose, identity in Him, etc., so I titled it “Finding Yourself” and that was the overarching theme, which JEEZ, I did not realize how much Christians hate that phrase… Like it’s one of those cliche quotes the world always says, I get that, but I meant it in the sense that you find your identity in Him. Everybody ends up finding who they are in something, that’s just a fact. I hate cliche quotes as this post proves, so I kind of chuckled when I kept seeing all these quotes where people said “finding yourself” isn’t a good thing to say. I don’t disagree, but in the context of that post, I still find it appropriate. Middle school ended with those feelings of loneliness as I grabbed ahold of my faith and relationship with Him. Going into high school, then, I was very confident in my identity in Him and what I wanted out of life, what my values were, etc. I didn’t expect a lot to change socially as a result, but of course I hoped things would get better.

This is where I do want to take some ownership for the loneliness I felt. I feel that’s only fair, since I didn’t do the one thing probably everyone recommended: “Get involved!!!” I wasn’t in any sports or clubs; I didn’t really do anything with my school except go to school, get good grades, go home. Repeat. Yes, that probably didn’t help someone already prone to feeling lonely. However, I still don’t know if it would have ultimately fixed it. I was involved with both basketball and cross country in middle school, and I never got anywhere with anyone I didn’t previously know except for one relationship, which sort of crashed and burned as fast as it had developed. The groups and cliques were so well formed. I would have girls from different groups act like they wanted to be buddies with me one day, then completely forget about me. Would that have changed in high school, once the cliques and groups started shifting? I don’t think so. Even though the groups somewhat expanded, people just traded roles. It wasn’t like it all dissipated; it just changed with people’s interests. And I think most peers and their friendships are still so shallow despite how close people may portray themselves as being.

So yes, I wasn’t involved in high school, but when I was involved in middle school the two years prior, nothing happened to me as a result. I didn’t feel any closer to anyone; in fact, I felt even lonelier, which I expected because I knew how kids acted within their groups.

Despite the challenges and how close I was to God, there are definitely things I wish I could go back and tell myself. I thought in this post, instead of following the exact same “lessons learned” format of my middle school recap, we would spice things up a bit by instead having this post act as sort of like a letter to my younger self about what I wish I would have known. It’s still going over the lessons I learned but in a more personal, applicable way by looking at what I could have done differently knowing what I do now. Do I have any regrets about high school? No—none that rested within my control, anyway. There were times I wondered if I should have tried to join a new sport, like cheer or dance or volleyball, but I really believe it wouldn’t have changed my social life that much. And there was a reason beyond the social aspects of me quitting sports in that I did not like the time I would have to commit to them when they weren’t my passion, so why force myself to endure something just for better prospects of a social life when that isn’t even guaranteed? I wasn’t going to do that. I wish the whole high school experience would have been better for me, but it wasn’t, and there isn’t anything I could have done to change that.

So after hearing about how much of a letdown high school was for me, you might be wondering what you have to gain by hearing about my experience. Honestly, these things I had to learn don’t just reflect high school; they reflect life. Life can be hard, painful, lonely, and stressful. I’ve often asked myself and God and about everyone else why it had to be this way for me, why I had to be the one who was so lonely and left out and didn’t experience any of the “fun” milestones. I can’t 100% give an answer to that yet, but when I think back on the things I’ve learned since the beginning of these four years, I can’t deny how valuable all of those things are. I’m not just saying that to make myself feel better, either. I have been equipped with a sense of boldness, confidence, independence, peace, security, passion, direction, purpose, steadiness, and joy that transcended what I thought I had of those qualities. And I feel compelled to write this post because though while learning these things I felt like I was losing all those qualities, they were actually being refined and increased beyond what I could imagine. There are elements of high school that will never go away in this life, and I want to help people who feel lost and lonely or whatever it may be. There is a sort of freedom that has come to me through all of this, and I want to write about that.

I’ve already rambled so much now, so let’s start getting into everything. As I said above, I would like to break my experience up into three stages. Though all similar and overlapped with another in various degrees, each stage had some sort of unique aspect to it making it stand out. For me, that would be my freshman year and the learning curve that came with me starting high school, and then my sophomore and junior years blurred together because they were both a lot alike—nothing drastically changed once I fell into the groove of things, and I found a lot of the lessons I learned were the same through these two years. Then my last stage is my senior year, which has been much different from the previous three years, and I am now in the stage where I’m ending this season and preparing to begin another just like I was at the end of middle school. I love reflecting on things and think I’m going to find even more freedom through actually writing this out, so let’s get into it.

What I Wish I Would Have Known in High School: Some General Words of Caution/Encouragement

You are going to be upset at times—maybe even most times—despite knowing all this, and that’s okay. Life is not how God intended for it to be, this was not how God intended for things to be for you, and you have to grieve that. I have to say this first because there were so many times I would get upset and then get upset with myself because I would try to encourage myself, I would have people encouraging me, I would go to God with my pain, and I thought I was “over it” then. Then I would get upset all over again. But here’s the thing: it doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you don’t believe in the goodness of God or the encouragement people have given to you—it just hurts. Being lonely, as it felt like I was reminded of allll the time, is not how God intended for humans to feel. We are social beings, and unfortunately, adolescence is a critical time for that where you want to bond with your people and feel that sense of belonging. When I say that this isn’t how God intended things to be when you feel this way, I’m not referring to His sovereignty because obviously He allowed it and this was part of my life, and it wasn’t about anything I did. I just mean He doesn’t take pleasure in watching me hurt, in watching me be lonely. That’s not a good thing, but He allows things to then use them for good (Romans 8:28). That still doesn’t make the pain itself good, though pain often produces much good, and the same is true with loneliness. It still hurts for the time, though, and you can feel that as much as you need to. If you repress it—I have tried—it won’t go anywhere. Just feel it as much as you have to because you will find freedom in that. Try to just remember it will pass. God is still there.

I’m starting with this point because I wish I could write this huge post and it would solve all of your loneliness and pain and insecurities, but it won’t. Part of living in a fallen world is having to deal with those feelings all the time, and I feel like people say this all the time, but it has gotten worse. Social media is like taking a drug for your negative feelings and finding that it just exploits them and makes them come back with a vengeance; it just exaggerates all the problems already there. I found so many times throughout my experience that as much as I wanted to finally be over all my pain, there is no one and done formula for it. You have to constantly run to God with it, and even then, you can feel exhausted and done with it. Psalms is my favorite book of the Bible and was especially dear to me through these years because of the relatability and honesty of people’s mental anguish and how they would take that to God. I would encourage going there when you feel like you can’t deal with things anymore.

You have to give yourself to permission to acknowledge that things aren’t the way they should be and that you need to grieve that. Even now, writing this post and knowing all that I do, it still hurts me at times. For instance, I’m dreading my graduation commencement because I know I’m going to have to see everyone and see them all acting cute together and taking pictures, and I’m not going to be a part of that. I already know I will probably need to have a good cry when it’s all said and done. People have told me I’ll be fine, and yes, I know ultimately I will be, and I’m not trying to be negative about things, but I just know how I am, and I know that’s going to bother me and rouse the pain all over again. And I have to be honest about that so I’m not fighting it and getting even more upset when it comes. I’ll feel what I have to feel and then move on, finally. Even then, there might be painful memories, so you just have to take them as it comes and keep pressing on. I promise they pass. I promise pain isn’t the end-all, but I just want to start off by telling you that by letting yourself feel the pain, you actually will heal. I always thought it was the opposite, that succumbing to the pain I felt meant I was regressing, so I was always trying to fight it, to act like I was fine when I wasn’t, and it just exhausted me. Feeling pain means you are human and that you acknowledge what happened to you wasn’t right. It’s only through that realization that you can even begin to make sense of the beauty or lessons through it.

You might read through all of this post, feel great about things and agree with all of it in your heart, and then have a huge cry again. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean the encouragement is null and void. It just means there’s things in life that aren’t right and that hurt us. Feel what you need to feel and then rest in God. He will comfort you. He will bring back to mind what He’s said, what I’ve said, what you know to be true. I know this because I am the author of this post and that is what happens to me, so if I can’t even feel great after taking my own advice, no one can—because that’s the thing: it’s not that I can’t take my own advice or that the advice doesn’t work, it’s that no one can be happy 100% of the time, especially in difficult circumstances. Feelings do not always agree with reality or the truth because they are feelings, yet feelings are part of being alive. You have to feel, and then you have to return to the truth. Soon enough, your feelings will remember the truth, though at times, sometimes you still just hurt, and that’s okay, too.

I think there is this misconception or subconscious pressure that Christians can feel, where we have to be joyful and happy all the time, especially in difficult circumstances because that is what the Bible says, and while it’s all very true that we can and should have joy despite our circumstances, that still doesn’t mean you never feel sadness or discouragement. Remember, even Jesus felt those things, and He was and is perfect, our role model for all things. You can know all these things intellectually and believe them yet feel numb inside, and that doesn’t make you a failure. God will love you through it. Through Him, you can have joy despite it all, which you might be surprised in how much of that you can have and how it manifests itself.

What I Wish I Would Have Known in High School My Freshman Year

High school won’t solve all your problems. I’m not saying this to be a Debbie downer, but it’s important that you don’t live your life for that Next Best Thing. It’s okay and good to be excited for changes and milestones like these, but I just remember how I almost got too obsessive about it, creating this idealistic fantasy of how high school would make me so grown up and feel so much more freeing than middle school. While yes, there definitely were aspects of high school that were different and better, it was still the same in many ways. Because it’s still just everyday life. Try to enjoy every moment and to have the same sort of expectation and joy for every part of life, rather than pining everything on achieving or being at a certain milestone. I’m someone who likes looking at the big things, and I love to dream and plan what’s next. But when I look back, it’s always those “tiny” moments and seasons I neglect at the time that squeeze my heart the most.

Because there is so much more to life than high school: focus on all the wonderful things beyond it. So that’s the key. Focus on all the good you do have. It was too easy for me to be so wrapped up in how lonely I felt and what my peers were doing that I could underestimate the beauty of all the time I got to have with my family with all the blessings right in front of me.* <– WAIT FOR THIS, WE ARE COMING BACK TO THAT! (even if it’s two posts from now ha)

Just because high school doesn’t end up being an incredible experience for you doesn’t mean God doesn’t love you or that He doesn’t answer prayer. So this was certainly evident my freshman year, but this would also be a lesson applicable from all of them. To be honest, sometimes I would dread asking for prayer about my loneliness in high school because it would disappoint me more. It was hard to dispel that cognitive dissonance I’d feel when I knew I had all these amazing people who felt sad for me about my loneliness and they were going to God on my behalf for it, and then year after year nothing changed. That made me bitter. It made it difficult for me to trust God. But the thing is, God does not withhold things from you without a purpose that will end up being better (Psalm 84:11). It’s one of those things that’s hard at the time—because you don’t know what that “better” is—hence the reason I put the very first lesson in this post. But it’s so important that you don’t abandon your faith. Major, MAJOR lies from the devil can creep in here when he senses that vulnerability. Throughout the next few years, I’ll share how that did happen to me. Trust His character when you can’t trust your circumstances. Trust me—trust HIM—on that. Remember: the devil is not for you. What he tells you is not good for you, no matter how it seems.

You are capable of having wonderful people in your life, and look for how God provides for you through them. This was a big one for me: just because you may not have the people you think you need (i.e., the “popular girls” or certain peers in general) doesn’t mean you’re unlovable or not a fun friend to have. This was very hard for me to remember, and I’ll talk about it more as we get into my upper years, but what people do and how they behave is about them and who they are. It’s not really about who you are. God knows who needs to be in your life. God can meet your needs beyond just having a circle of peers. I had two older girls who were amazing to me that would pop in at just the times I needed them. I had a family that cared for me. (And if you don’t, PLEASE don’t let that make you give in to despair. I’m not writing this to brag; who we have or don’t have in our lives isn’t the point. The point is that God is the One who heals all forms of loneliness and Who will provide in various ways, even if you don’t have the ideal family, friends, etc. That’s what this post is about.) That didn’t take away the dull, everyday ache of not having “my girls” to go hang out with at my age, but many times, the powerful, profound ways they showed up for me gave me much greater strength and confidence than anything I could have had with my peers. Sometimes it feels like God is just putting you out there in the world to swim against a raging cultural current, but He’s there. He’s not going to abandon you. Just trust Him.

You never know when you might receive the answers you seek—all it takes is one person to change your life. So I had this cool connection happen right at the beginning of my freshman year where one of my teachers was actually from this area where I had been following a situation and wanted to learn more about it, and he had been involved with people there, so I got to meet with him and chat about this, and we were able to have this connection since the area was a part of both of our lives. I also gained some insight that I’d been wondering about for awhile. It’s still a situation I want to know more about and haven’t yet, but it did show me you truly do never know the people whom you may connect with and how they’ll be related to your life.

Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean people don’t think about you. One of my older friends was always so good with texting me such encouraging things, and she would consistently say things like how I’ve been on her mind, and that would mean a lot to me. It was hard for me to not let not having the acceptance of my peers shake my confidence as I thought that perhaps I wouldn’t be someone people would like hanging out with, so when she would tell me things like that, it helped restore my confidence that of course I meant something to the people who knew me and that I was very capable of having good relationships like that. Also, one of the most special things that happened to me that God used to illustrate this for me was at the end of the year at this friend’s graduation party. Her dad had actually made a comment to me about some essay she wrote about me like I knew about it, and I remember not really following what he was saying, and then he filled me in on how she had wrote this essay about me for her college admission. She then told me about that and what she wrote it about, and it touched me so much. As someone so involved in my own mind, I had felt like I was always remembering and reflecting on areas of my life and people in it, but I often would feel invisible to those people. Having her do that for me—and knowing that had her dad not said something, I would never have known—just showed me how little I know about the impact God can make on other people’s lives using me. It was definitely humbling for me.

Your intense anxiety will go away. Unfortunately, when I think of my freshman year, I think about this as a big part of it because it was. During the summer before high school, I began developing this obsessive and irrational fear that I was going to contract some disease. I think it was due to some situations going on within my family and my own desires to accomplish everything I dreamed and the loneliness of dying without having done said things, etc. It was bad, though, for me. I’ve always had some degree of anxiety, but this was probably the worst just because I felt like I was triggered by everything, and it would almost make me panic. Just seeing something, like the display at school for kids with cancer and awareness, would make me start panicking. This lasted probably at least halfway through the year and then—praise God—started miraculously tapering off until one day, I remember being at Walmart and seeing this little magazine by the counter that said something about brain cancer, and I realized that seeing that didn’t send me into a frenzy like it normally did.

Fortunately, I did experience this, and it feels weird to say I’m grateful that I did, but it has proven to be so valuable to me to know that God has helped me manage and overcome anxiety before. For more on this, I did write a whole post about this anxiety and what it taught me here, and if you do feel this way, don’t be afraid to seek out help. I had to, and I’ll touch on that here, too, and that’s actually one of my big things I wish I would have known and accepted earlier.

God will provide for you, and there are people who care as much as you do. I think I’ve already touched on several points with “God will provide for you,” but it is so important to remember because we can easily doubt that. Also, I know I’ve talked about how I often wondered if people cared/thought about me as much I did/would them, and something really special happened early on to me when I was battling that severe anxiety about my health. I had something that was bothering me, and when I told my mom about it, they thought I might need to have surgery to get it fixed since it was something my parents had dealt with, and I freaked out. One of my biggest concerns at that time was having any sort of surgery because I would have to undergo anesthesia and I was worried that would kill me. My anxiety was definitely in full force, and I got this text from one of my other amazing older friends whom I’ve never even met but we connected online through mutual connections, and I think I had texted her days earlier asking if she could pray about my anxiety. That night she happened to respond, and she sent me this almost 10-minute voice recording of herself encouraging me, praying for me, and responding to that. That is definitely not a coincidence. Not only did that help give me peace about my feelings that night, it was once again so humbling to see how God was providing for me even when I felt so scared and lonely and also how there are people like her who will go the extra mile in reaching out and sharing God’s love with someone. Cecelia and Megan, I hope you know how much of a light and answered prayer you were during some of my darkest times!

Don’t be ashamed of therapy, of being vulnerable, or of getting medication. With all this being said, when you do have anxiety like I did, I highly recommend you seek professional help for it. That was something I was reluctant to do for a long time, but I wish I wouldn’t have been. I kept thinking I could fix it on my own or with continued growing in my faith, and while you certainly can grow and not experience those feelings as much, sometimes part of that growth is seeking help to manage it. I finally did decide to seek therapy that fall. To be completely honest, the first time I went to therapy I did not like it. It wasn’t anything against my therapist, I just hated how vulnerable it made me feel. I think there was a big part of me that really believed in being strong and resolving past hurts on my own, so to sit there and talk with her about all these things left me feeling dirty and guilty and just yucky. But here’s the thing: vulnerability like that is GOOD. I remember crying through all of it, and my grandparents happened to be at my house at that time, so my mom and grandma were there to pick me up after therapy, and I just remember crying to them and not being able to go back to school.

They were both so encouraging about it. They both were telling me it was good that I was doing this and they would be there to help me through it and encouraged me with God’s truth and love. In hindsight, I would have kept exploring all those things I talked about, even if it meant crying constantly. But instead, the next time I went, I pulled back a lot. I tried to keep the discussion more basic, and I wouldn’t offer much detail about the things I previously mentioned. I acted like I was doing much better. A big part of that was also because during that first session, she mentioned how it seemed like I’d been dealing with anxiety my whole life and that while she would help me with various tools to cope, medication might be a beneficial thing. That freaked me out. I thought I was too young to go on meds like that and I didn’t want to start them while only being in high school, and I think I was just apprehensive about taking medication for something like that in general. If other people did, I saw no problem with that because I knew they probably needed it, but for me? I still felt like it was something I could manage and deep down must have felt that taking medication was a sign of weakness.

I wish I would’ve gotten on the medication then. I wish I would have kept exploring the things I brought up with her that were deep. I think it could have saved me from further anxiety and despair later on throughout high school, but there’s reasons for everything. I am now taking medication for my anxiety, and it has definitely helped. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it doesn’t magically rewire your brain or thoughts; personal accountability and coping is still a huge part of it, but it’s like it just takes the edge off things. There would be so many times where I knew everything I was supposed to do and believe, but I just couldn’t stop obsessing, even when I desperately wanted to. It helps me let things go easier. It helps make it easier to manage my thoughts. I started taking the pills the end of my junior year, and I’ll go over this some more when I get to that part of my life. I just wish I would have done it earlier, as I said. If you have the green light from godly people you trust, a wise, Christian counselor, and medical guidance as well, I would do it. I would try to hold myself together and then get resentful that I was doing that, even though it wasn’t anyone else’s fault if I didn’t want to get help. So please, just do. Sometimes being in circumstances where you don’t have a lot of social connections, especially at an adolescent level since that is a big part of development, can trigger depression and anxiety. It’s not your fault, and it doesn’t mean you’re failing. Seeking help to manage it is the true sign of strength, and I’ve learned that—and still am, honestly—the hard way.

Quit overthinking your writing. I started writing my second novel during ninth grade and ended up scrapping a whole 40k-word first draft because I didn’t like it. It ended up being fine that I rewrote it because I did finish it finally two years later, but I think, even now, I would have so much more writing done if I would stop being a perfectionist about it all. Perfectionism kills creativity, I know that, but it’s incredibly hard to just let go of. There are still so many times where I’m like, I’m going out of my way to do XYZ to make my book better in the long run, and then it will hit me like no, I’m just procrastinating actually writing it and don’t need to actually do/create XYZ. This actually makes me sad because I think of how much more material I may have had by now if I would just write everyday…and even now, I still think that…but I don’t. Some of that is just, you can’t do everything. But definitely make what you love a priority, and don’t waste time not doing it because you’re worried it won’t be perfect. You can always learn as you go, and you will be happier the more you have to look back on.

And if all else fails, just make it a habit. Just like I made working out, journaling, and other things a part of my daily life that I don’t feel complete without doing, I really should incorporate some “free writing” into my daily writing where I just practice fiction writing about anything. One way to make the most of feeling lonely or bored is to concentrate on honing your passions and hobbies, and it’s also a great way to keep yourself mentally healthy when you have to endure things like school, whether you like it or not. Thankfully, I usually enjoyed the educational aspect of school, but the feeling of being out of place wore on me almost daily. Some days and seasons were certainly better than others, but one thing that helped me stay sane was focusing on things I loved, like journaling or shopping.

Be confident in God rather than what people tell you, though you can still rejoice over the encouragement He provides through people (you should remember that!). The key thing is, though, know that if they love and believe in you, remember how much more He does. Something I would do when I felt anxious, lonely, or insecure was remember past things people had told me and how they encouraged me. I had numerous screenshots of kind words I would save from people, and I would read over them like taking medicine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that per se; in many ways, I think those words and encouragement from others were a gift from God and a productive way to encourage myself, but the problem came when I started relying on those words to secure my life. For example, if someone told me I would become an author, I took their word for it, like if they said it, then it will happen. A lot of that traced back to my anxiety and how I felt a sense of security that I wouldn’t die if someone told me things like that. I didn’t mention this earlier, but actually one of the main reasons why I finally went to therapy is because I knew my anxiety was hurting my relationship with God in that I felt as though me getting a disease was His will or that I couldn’t expect anything good to happen to me and so on. Just reading that, you probably think, how did you get that? It’s easy for me to think that now, but at the time, thoughts can really get confused. So I started placing my trust in other people instead of God because I worried He wasn’t going to give me what I want. Not the most rational thing by any means, but you get the idea.

What I failed to remember is that if those people, some who didn’t even know me all that well, could support me and believe in me so much, then how much more did God, Who loves me even more than those closest to me! Perfect love casts out fear, and He is love (1 John 4:8, 18).

Remember who you are in Him and that your circumstances now don’t stop the wonderful plans He has for you. Just because things don’t go as you dream when you want them to doesn’t mean He has forgotten you. My mom would send me these wonderful devotions from Charles Stanley during this time that elaborated on these truths. Even now, just reading over them again is so powerful. During this season of my life, I started becoming much more cynical about the plans God had for me. I had been relatively upbeat throughout my loneliness in middle school despite not liking it, but once it continued into high school with no hope of being different over the coming years, I began giving in to despair. But it was far too early for that. You should never give up on anything. One post that comes to mind where I wrote more about that is in this post.

You won’t see it right away, but live in absolute assurance that if He’s allowing this to happen to you, it’s not going to be wasted. He will use these hard seasons of your life you think don’t count for much to be the basis of the work you do in the future. I hated that God was letting me be the one to feel like they didn’t belong when it seemed like everyone else in my grade had their people and were doing things with them. I didn’t understand what was good about me not having anyone to bond with, especially when people kept saying how social people are and how we need people (ugh). I have later learned that it is helpful to remember the saints of the Bible who experienced such harsh circumstances that paved the way for them to be recognized and glorify God later on. People like Joseph, David, JESUS…had to wait “a long time” before their time came (I have quotes around that because to Jesus, it probably doesn’t feel long since He is God and 2 Peter 3:8 says a thousand years is like a day to God, but then it also says a day is like a thousand years to God, too, so maybe He had to wait the longest?). Anyway, my point is that none of them had easy lives. Sure, Joseph and David became kings, but they had to wait a long while before that came. Even when David was king, that didn’t erase his trials (READ PSALMS! IT WAS MY SAVING GRACE). And Jesus rarely had an easy earthly life. But they all kept their eyes on God and eternity, which is what we, too, must do when our present lives don’t feel very desirable. “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:18 NIV).

Plus, as a little side note to encourage those who are living for God and feeling like they’re not getting anywhere in the world socially or otherwise: God disciplines those whom He loves (Hebrews 12:6). One of the things that is still my biggest pet peeves is seeing my peers who have shunned me, essentially, talk about how much they love God, yet I see them doing things so contrary to what He wants. Like, you can’t have both. You can’t claim to love Him with all that you are yet act the same as all your friends to maintain your social status. And really, you shouldn’t be popular with the world when you’re living for Him. That’s what I always think about my peers. It’s like, really, you love God so much? Well, why aren’t we friends, then? Why aren’t we close? I mean, if we both love God so much and we have all these other youthful interests in common, then we should be hanging out and talking all the time. But no, that’s not how it goes, because I think most of those people are obviously living very different from me despite what they may want to believe.

Now, I’m not saying that if you love God, you have to be a social outcast. I’m not saying you can’t have any friends or any fun (I HATE when people assume that…). God is the One who created us for friendship and fun! Why do you think I’d be so upset about my high school experience if this wasn’t so? Because it’s not how I was designed to be! BUT, standing up and being bold for God often means you DO sacrifice popularity according to our culture for God because the culture is COMPLETELY against Him. And, so help me God, I HATE when they “try” to bring Him into it by merging the two, which is what a lot of these kids my age are doing. Like yes, let’s all love God, but look at these skanky photos we’re going to post on Instagram, look at these trashy shows we’re going to watch and obsess over, look how we’re going to talk dirty and raunchy just like everyone else, let’s go out and party and whatever else these kids do…but it’s okay because He loves us and we love Him. FALSE! Yes, HE loves YOU regardless and wants to save you, but when you surrender to God, He is not going to let you live like you used to and like everyone else does. He’s just not. You shouldn’t want to. You should want to set yourself apart for Him, not to become a loner (but it can happen, and if it does, as hard as it is, you’re better for it), but to honor Him. Believe me, as much as it can seem like you’re “missing out,” you’re really not. I think that’s the enemy’s greatest strategy at the moment and why my peers won’t get real or more serious and why so many people don’t, is because they love their lifestyles more, and they believe that really surrendering their lives to God on that level will rob them of their fun and pleasure in life.

Look. I wish I could tell you that feeling lonely isn’t a problem but it can hurt, so yes, you might feel pain. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have fun. It doesn’t mean I still don’t enjoy my life or that my peers are any happier than me. Besides, if you serve yourself and society, you’re going to end up miserable anyway. May as well be in pain for Him, knowing that He gives you back far more and will reward you for what you lose for His sake, and be in pain knowing that you’re being true to Him and your identity in Him rather than the inevitable consequences that WILL eventually catch up with you for living a life worshipping yourself and indulging in sin.

Knowing God’s love changes everything: it takes away the guilt you feel when you don’t meet your expectations, and it helps you not to obsess over the neglect you feel from others. Being secure in this is what changes the game. When I think back to those qualities I mentioned I’ve gained exponentially throughout my struggles in high school, the reason behind them is this. It is because God loves me so much and living in that truth and reality that sets you free. When you feel down, when you feel guilty, when you feel anxious, you have to start there and end there. That’s the only way you’ll get victory over those things. One of my big struggles for awhile has been lust. Obviously that includes ~with guys~ which is somewhat embarrassing to admit to strangers but it is what it is and unfortunately a very common problem, but it’s also much more than that: I can lust over all things materialism, my own ideas, the lifestyle I crave, etc.—unfortunately ALL of which are shoved so hard down our throats in this culture thanks to consumerism and the self-worship this society adores. My point in sharing this besides going on another rant about it, though, is that I would feel so guilty when I succumbed to my lusts, especially with guys.

Just a quick disclaimer: part of my loneliness is not having any guys, either, so I wasn’t literally doing things with guys, but I would think things and find ways to indulge my thoughts in that sense…and then I would feel such shame because I knew it was wrong and I didn’t want to have those thoughts, yet at the same, my hormones would disagree… I feel a little awkward writing this, but I want to share it because I used to constantly shame myself for it and feel as though God was mad at me for it or that I wasn’t truly repenting because I kept struggling with it again and again, but that is where I was focusing too much on myself and not enough on Him. Repentance does mean you turn from what you’re doing, but we’re never going to be perfect in this life, which means you have to continually turn away from things, sometimes over and over again. I had to remember that God was there to forgive me and help me do that. I had to remember that He covered all my sins, past AND future, with His blood, and that His love makes me righteous. I talk more about His love and include verses for these statements in this post here. This doesn’t mean I have a license to lust as much as I want, but it does mean that He knows I have a war with my flesh and what I want to do, and He understands and doesn’t want me feeling such guilt when I do fall short. Forgive and move on.

Also, knowing the power and majesty of His love for you is what helps you overcome the perceptions of what others think or the love/attention you feel like you need from certain people. When I think of His fierce love for me and the strong relationship I have with Him, then it doesn’t matter that I don’t have my peers as friends. I might think that I need them, and of course I feel hurt that I don’t, but I know that it is God who satisfies me and that if having them was good for me, then I would have them. And since I don’t, then He and what He has given me is enough right now.

Enjoy the quiet bus rides home because soon enough you won’t have them anymore, and you will be thankful for all the thinking and daydreaming you got to do. I had to throw this one on because I used to hate riding the bus home after school when I was in high school, and freshman year I still had to a good amount of the time. Yet at the same time, there was a big part of me that enjoyed sitting there by myself, looking out at the views while listening to my music and dreaming. I never thought there would be a day I would actually miss that, but my junior year I didn’t have to ride the bus at all, and finally this year I’ve driven myself when I need to go to the school. I didn’t think I liked it much at the time, but now I look back on that season of my life with contentment. I used to dream about being a wonderful driver, about guys and book characters, stories I wanted to write, fantasies I had that I could make stories out of…it was times like that which have actually ended up shaping my writing.

Don’t worry about things you can’t know yet, like your marriage, because you know that God prepares you exactly when you need to be. And don’t entertain the idea that you need a boyfriend in high school! The pace God has you growing at is perfect for YOU. Ugh, so ninth grade was when I decided it was time that I needed a boyfriend, EVEN THOUGH I’d long known that I wanted to wait for the right guy and not just get myself into a relationship because of what my peers were doing. I don’t know why I suddenly started feeling bad that I didn’t have a boyfriend, but you seriously don’t need to. Again, if that was something that was good for you, God would make it happen. Otherwise, rushing His timing and telling yourself it’s something you need is just hurting yourself. Be confident in the journey He has you on. Rushing into things prematurely is never a good idea.

Be still. Enjoy every day and every moment of every season. Believe it or not, there is always good and bad to every part of life, and sooner than you think you will look back on this season and yearn for its distinctive goodness/remember it with fondness. When I say soon, I meant like the summer after freshman year soon. Sometimes I think when you’re in the middle of going through things you don’t like, you are incapable of seeing the ways it actually is working in your favor and the good that comes through it until you’re looking back on it. That has been the case for me a lot with various aspects and seasons of high school. Life doesn’t stay the same, even when you think it does. High school felt like one big monotonous season for me, but there were still different seasons within it where certain things meant something to me and then my priorities would shift, or there would be certain moments part of each year that were special, etc. Take the good from it and keep going.

It will not be as hard as you think or make it out to be in the moment. I worried so much about the classes in high school, fearing that they would suddenly be so much harder or that I wouldn’t perform well. That wasn’t the case at all. If you’re already doing your best and performing well, then you’re going to do just fine in high school or whatever next season of life you’re in. Keep your eyes focused on God and the strength He gives you, and you’ll be amazed at what you can accomplish. Don’t let yourself be intimidated by what the future holds.

Enjoy your unique social life. You’d be surprised how popularity can disguise a lot of evil. When I say that I didn’t have a social life in high school, I mean that pretty literally. Sure, I would have people to talk to throughout the day at times or make acquaintances, but I once in a blue moon would actually go out with someone and do something. My freshman year was actually the most eventful, and then it got less and less with each passing year. However, those very few times when I did hang out with people, like seeing a play with one of the girls I’d grown friendly with in middle school and still saw at lunch or when I spent the night at my older friend’s house, meant so much to me. They were such bright moments for me, and I think I appreciated them all the more because they were such a rarity in my life. They had that much more meaning and depth to them, and I think that’s something so many peer relationships are missing. I don’t know what the rest of my peers do for fun, but I know that popularity is often an illusion for a lot of deceit or drama behind the scenes. Typically, what is popular is also completely contrary to what God says is good and actually even what the law dictates as legal a lot of times. I’m not going to make assumptions about what my peers are doing because I truly don’t know, but I do know what typically is considered popular, and you don’t want it. It’s not worth risking your future or identity for.

Each moment of YOUR life is special. Just because it doesn’t look like your peers’ highlight reels doesn’t mean you can’t have fun and enjoy the precious moments in your own life. We so often compare our lives and their goodness against what everyone else is doing, and I think that’s such a shame. It’s like we can’t give ourselves permission to actually enjoy our lives unless they measure up to something. Hanging out with your family is not lame, regardless of if it isn’t popular. It’s probably going to end up being the most precious moments of your life. Enjoying being alone doesn’t make you an outcast, regardless of if the opposite is popular. The insight and joy and security you can gather from enjoying your very own life is like none other. You don’t need that validation from anyone. If you want to enjoy your life, you have to decide to. You have to decide life isn’t only meaningful if you’re attending dances or having tons of friends because it’s not. There’s many ways to live a joyful life, and it all starts with deciding you have a joyful life.

Quit arguing with your mom when you talk before school. Just trust that she’s right (she is, so is God). Really. You’d save yourself a lot of mental anguish this way. At some point, you just have to decide to believe the goodness despite how yucky you feel about things. Okay, so I didn’t actually argue with my mom; we have a pretty good relationship, but I would oftentimes try to refute the things she’d tell me to try and encourage me. Or I would just rant about things in general. I let myself grow cynical over the year, and that definitely came out in our conversations. I regret how so many times I would leave on a bitter note like that, not really at her, but just through working myself up and being a downer about almost anything we would discuss. But my mom loves to tell me she told me so with everything. She’s already had quite a bit of instances where she’s gotten to, and she has a whole lot more coming, I’m sure, too. I didn’t want to believe her when she would assure me about things because I was bitter and discouraged, making myself a victim to my feelings. I’ve since learned better, slowly but surely. You have to decide what you’re going to believe, regardless of how you feel about things.

Your first finals will not ruin your life/grades like you think they will. Again, if you’ve been doing your best, trusting God, and working hard at your studies for His glory and have already established good grades, and you prepare yourself for finals and complete them with the same work ethic, you’ll be just fine. Probably much better than fine. Just trust Him.

When everything feels like crap, it makes the little joys of life that much more special. And that’s a gift to learn. Cultivating gratitude and CONTENTMENT is actually rarer than you think, despite how much you hear the word gratitude being thrown around. I actually think for most people, when they don’t like how their life is going, they just ignore the rest of the things that are good. Thankfully, and I’m not saying this to pat myself on the back because I can be just as guilty of overlooking good things as anyone, but my mom has drilled the word contentment into my life forever. I think contentment goes even further than being thankful; it’s finding joy and gratitude in your life the way it is now and what is good about it. It’s the ability to be thankful and joyful with where God has you, even if it may not be where you want to be. That’s a whole attitude and mindset, not just something you make a list about. So even though at times I hated high school and hated the whole world because of it, I always try to come back to that. There’s always so much good I had, and even if high school wasn’t pleasant, my life as a whole was still good. And here’s the other thing: you CHOOSE to be content. It’s not measuring your life against circumstances and deciding it’s mostly good but rather choosing to enjoy where you are despite any circumstances. This is a gift to learn, and I think my high school loneliness taught me well. The more I perceived I didn’t have from the world’s perspective, the more I was thankful and content with the life God had given me and everything I could choose to enjoy regardless of anyone else’s acknowledgement of it.

You might be surprised where you end up going for college…and that the place you think is to-die-for now is suddenly going to fade…because God knows your desires, and He also knows how to naturally begin changing them for the best He has in store for you. I remember using my free time in study hall to drool over this private Christian college I was set on attending at the time. I remember walking out when the bell rang and asking God that I go there. But then, little by little over the coming years, my desires and priorities started shifting. It wasn’t that this school is bad by any means, but I just realized that a different school was better suited for me and what I was deciding to do later. Don’t fear things changing like that because it does happen naturally.

It is okay and necessary to move on from seasons in life and to let things change, as God has a purpose for it. Sometimes I couldn’t hang on to certain people anymore, and that’s okay. Clinging to a relationship just so you’re not lonelier isn’t a good thing, and sometimes the sentimentality of a relationship can convince you that it’s still a good thing, but that’s not always true. You can enjoy seasons while they are there, but then you have to trust God to help you move on to the next one. What He changes and shifts is always for the better, so don’t be afraid to let go. He can bring those people back into your life in other ways you wouldn’t dream of from time to time if He wills, so trust His plans.

Get over your obsession with Victoria’s Secret models. Quit thinking that not getting attention from guys means something is wrong with you. Yeah, this is another dumb extension of deciding I should have a boyfriend. In our society, the message is pushed hard that if we’re pretty and attractive, we’ll have tons of guys, and if you don’t have tons of guys, then it’s because you’re not. I fell into that badly, and it got even worse my sophomore year, but I started obsessing over the type of women I thought were considered the most beautiful, which happened to be Victoria’s Secret models, and I don’t even know if they are lusted after as much as they used to be anymore because you know how fast that goes with cultural trends! There’s not anything wrong with you if you’re not attracting the attention of your peers. I am still learning this, honestly, because I always get shocked anytime I see a girl who I don’t think is as attractive as me get into a relationship, and my mom is always like, “I told you that looks have nothing to do with it”…but we have such an achievement-oriented society that thinks our destiny is entirely up to us, where if you don’t get guys, you can do something about it, in looking better, in being flirtier, etc. It’s a lie. And you don’t need every or any guy. You just need the right one, at the right time, which is probably not when you’re a freshman in high school.

God is not watching every detail of your life to punish you; He is there to love you and help you grow and heal as you become closer to and more like Him. Focus on your relationship with Him above all. Don’t retreat out of shame or defiance. Let Him have your pain because it is only then that you can heal.

You don’t have to be going out all the time to have an entertaining life or to generate story ideas and content since it’s all about what you make of what you have. I mean, it certainly helps to be out doing things, but how you see the world is a choice. You can write about anything, even the littlest moments of everyday life. You can enjoy any part of life when you decide to. Some of the most mundane things I’ve done or boring seasons have ended up inspiring my writing the best. After all, in that quiet time, look around. It’s often how God speaks to us. His voice is the still, small one (1 Kings 19:12). How will you hear Him if you’re constantly involved with the world?

SOME DREAMS DO COME TRUE IN WAYS YOU WOULD NEVER EXPECT! Two years later after my hockey *Zach Parise* obsession began, freshman me got to see him. And NOT at a break-the-bank NHL game where he plays for the Wild. Nope, more like right here in Des Moines at Wells Fargo Arena thanks to him recovering from a back injury and deciding to try getting back into hockey by playing a game with the Iowa Wild. I never thought I’d get to see him without winning the lottery twenty years later, so praise God, sometimes things do happen when you least expect them.

Everything with your courses will get worked out, you’ll take the ones you want, and when your schedule gets changed from what you planned, it will be for the better. God is sovereign through all the “little” things like what courses you take and the insights they bring you. I love planning out course schedules and deciding what to take, I swear I should become an academic adviser. Going into high school, I loved thinking about all the courses I would take, and then I would worry that my schedule wouldn’t work out like I wanted it to. But it did. I even got to take an online college course my freshman year after meeting with my counselor, which was something I didn’t think I’d get to be doing until much later. Also, it was amazing how all of the courses I took were related to another and how I could apply the knowledge to my life. God revealed so much to me at the perfect timing through my course schedules throughout all of high school and starting with ninth grade.

Let yourself be a kid more. Some of my most favorite memories were FaceTiming my cousin and chatting with her. We always have lots of great laughs together, and I am really able to tune out the more serious things of life when I take time to talk with her. Being a kid doesn’t mean you have to be immature and bratty, but it means you go to God with that childlike faith in knowing He will take care of you and then enjoying life rather than worrying about it.

The worst thing can happen and you will get through it, and you can cope with it better than you think. Towards the middle of the year, my dad lost his job. We had a few days to prepare for that possibility, and it hit me like a ton of bricks when I first heard it. For someone who is so anxious and worries about everything, I’m often surprised when things like this catch me off guard, but it did. Again, it’s one of those routine things of life you just start taking for granted while whining about other things. Miraculously, God helped me not to lose it and have a panic attack. In fact, throughout the coming days, when he did lose the job, I remember chatting with my cousin again, and I wasn’t even worrying about the implosion it would cause on my family because she and I were engrossed in our own conversation. I remember she scheduled this hard online exam for a course she was taking at midnight, and we had a good laugh over the drama that was causing her. Life went on, though. My dad got another job. As a kid, it wasn’t necessarily my job to worry about, even though of course it affects me. That’s where you have to surrender because there are things that are just out of your control, and trying to fight to get them within your control won’t do you any good.

You are loved. Do not ever let anyone or anything convince you otherwise.

Be yourself is such a cliche, but just shine as God has made you to, and forget about who gives you attention and who doesn’t. You’re going to win people over through your quiet, secure demeanor more than any other. There were so many times where I felt invisible, where I resented being the quiet girl that nobody seemed to know, but I was shocked just how many people would approach me, like teachers or staff, and how they did know me and appreciated my character without even really knowing me. You don’t have to force yourself to act like a “popular girl.” Be gentle and strong in who God has made you to be. Gentleness isn’t weakness. Rather, it’s being humble, it’s being strong enough to know you don’t have to be obnoxious or flashy or prove who you are, it’s being silent as needed and knowing when to use your voice for good. That is what people are attracted to whether they admit it or not.

The class you think will be the worst is going to be the best. I dreaded taking PE my last trimester; I was so stressed because my years of doing sports in middle school and being an outsider there had attempted to convince me that I wasn’t athletic or fit. Well, for one I should never have let myself feel that way, but taking this class was HUGE in helping me get my confidence back. PE ended up being my favorite class because I loved to run around and have a break from the traditional classes and deadlines, and I enjoyed moving my body and getting strong again. I also was fortunate to have a bunch of the girls I did know in my grade that I’d been friendly with in my class. Even when I didn’t have as many people in my class that I knew, though, like this year, that still didn’t bother me or take away my enjoyment of the class.

Spanish won’t be as bad as you think, either. I was so worried about taking Spanish because I was like, how am I going to learn a foreign language? It was an entirely new area of study for me, and I didn’t know if I’d be any good at it. Praise God, though, I tried my best and was able to apply so much of the language study in ways I wouldn’t have imagined, and on my first final, I got a perfect score. Just shows, you are capable of more than you think! Allow Him to guide your life because with Him, you truly can overcome anything.

I know you despise being patient, but it is a good thing. You’re also in good company, with the restlessness being more common than you think, so remember that waiting does not mean NO. God designs every part of your life to prepare for what is to come and intertwines each part in a way to perfectly complement another to fulfill His purpose and plan for you. The boredom and loneliness felt like a huge halt on all my goals and dreams for my life. I’m not someone who likes waiting, as we should know on this blog by now. I didn’t see what God was doing through it, so I just checked out mentally, which I think contributed to a lot of my fear about disease because I had all these dreams stored up in me, and it felt like He didn’t care about them or wasn’t going to use me at all. But then I realized how much more common it is for God to have His saints wait, to be tested thoroughly, and that they could all struggle with their desires to do things for Him, too. I’d been told so many times that I was being prepared, and it would have been beneficial if I had believed that much earlier rather than pouting all the time about the waiting because it did have its purpose.

Time is going to go faster than you think, so just enjoy the journey and trust Him. When my freshman year was actually over, I was floored by how it just came and went, despite how much I may have complained about hating to wait. I’m still floored, being an almost graduated senior now. This is why I wish I hadn’t fought with God or time itself so much because EVERYTHING happens in its proper time. I spent a lot of time wearing myself down because I refused to wait with a good attitude, but it was only me I would hurt. God doesn’t use waiting as a punishment. It’s important to remember that. One of my favorite quotes from C.S. Lewis says, “God keeps no one waiting unless He sees it is good for them to wait.” So just enjoy the open time you have because life WILL change eventually. Don’t feel like you have to rush against time, either, and write a million books, but just LIVE. ENJOY the timing of things.

Your work for Him does not go unnoticed regardless of how you feel about that. No matter how quiet you are, people are watching. And they don’t miss noticing His light. Towards the end of the year, I had this happen several times with connections I made with teachers, and it was such encouragement for me to know that all that time, when I did feel so much like a loner, it still meant something. I wasn’t invisible to everyone.

God will give you the recognition you need when you need it, but don’t manipulate it or Him and become reliant on it as the fruit of your labor. I took a big break from blogging after middle school and didn’t resume it again until the spring of ninth grade. When I began writing again, I knew I wasn’t going to put any pressure on myself of how many people would read. The goal was to enjoy it and share my faith again. With that being said, it seems I can never be that carefree for long, since once I published my big Estherville blog post, I wanted all the work I had put into it to be recognized, especially since I knew other people would like it. I was down when it felt like not a lot of people saw it, and then that roused my emotions over all the other times I felt overlooked. The next day, I saw a prominent lady in Estherville had shared it, and it blew up. I was so stoked and couldn’t believe it. That was definitely such an answered prayer.

However, sometimes that rush can be addicting, and that isn’t healthy, either. Social media, stats and likes, analytics, etc., those can really destroy you in the long run, and I’ve had to be super careful in not letting my writing revolve around that. It almost turned into a game for me, where I would get down again about not getting recognition, hoping God would do something cool like that again, and then when He wouldn’t, I’d be even more upset. But that’s putting your worth in other people, and that’s not why I do what I do. It shouldn’t be what motivates you, either. We all like to be recognized, of course, but don’t make that your goal or what you’re living for. Allow God to bring that to you when you can handle it and when it’s best.

Don’t stress connections. God will allow the best ones to come naturally. No, it didn’t work out with my peers a lot of the times, but I was amazed by how I formed connections so easily with my counselor, with other teachers, and they were the ones that really benefitted me in the long run. You shouldn’t have to force things. God will take care of you. What He allows and does not allow is all for a reason that will benefit you most.

You’re not going to go blind in a matter of years. Love, girl who is almost a senior with healthy eyes. Thanks to my mom and eye doctor for being patient with me.

More Freshman Year Posts:

Reflections on Freshman Year

An Honest Post: Me and My Thought Life

Okay, that concludes the end of this novel. Stay tuned for my next post recapping the two hard middle years, which probably is where I struggled the most but where I was introduced to all the hard things I had to learn in order to have the confidence I do now. Thanks so much for reading!