They say your most effective ministry will come out of your deepest hurts. They say that little girls with dreams become women with vision. That has definitely been true for me.

I was born in February 2003 in small town Iowa, where I’ve lived my whole life. If I act like I’ve seen a lot throughout my life, it’s because I have. Ever since I was a little kid, the reality of death was always something I understood. I learned early on that all of us would face death someday, and all of us were in need of a Savior. When my brother was born, he almost died and was air-flighted to Des Moines. We found out that he had cystic fibrosis, a genetic lung disease with presently no known cure. I saw the stress my parents endured with job losses, medical bills, and financial burdens on top of that.

I always had a love for Jesus. I had special relationships with my grandparents, whom we saw lots as a result of my parents’ medical procedures, and I remember my grandma and mom always telling me about Jesus, always telling me to turn to Him. I remember, more than anything, their graceful, resilient character that always comforted me. I had a lot of anxiety as a young girl, as life at home was far from perfect. It seemed like there was always something. Either we were struggling financially, or somebody had a health crisis, or my parents were fighting, or my brother was behaving badly; there was just always something. I was an easygoing child and always did as I was told, never wanting to cause any trouble. I’m someone who likes the comfort that peace brings and hate to see people suffering of any kind, even when that’s from their own choices. And all the trials added up quickly, creating numerous perfect storms.

As my brother’s condition stabilized over the years and he remained healthy praise God, which was also not without constant treatment, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I don’t remember this scaring me much, which was probably in the way my parents graciously presented it to me, telling me that she would have surgery and be okay. All glory to God, it was only stage zero, and she did have a double mastectomy and has been healthy since. Still, it was another major event that prompted more financial hardship. Then, only a year later, Dad had to undergo open-heart surgery. That, I remember, seemed to be when it all caught up with me, the hardship of it all. I was still young, only in third grade, and watching my family struggle so much was difficult and jolting for me.

Through it all, I grew a very intense love for and obsession with reading. Literally, I had a pile of twenty-some books on public display in my room, which was a mistake because then my dad told me I couldn’t have anymore until I’d read them all, and my parents would literally have to force me to come out of my room because I’d always be in there reading. Now you know where the anti-social comes from! But, to put it quite simply, I couldn’t get enough of books and stories. I don’t even know when the desire first got revealed to me because it was always there: God had instilled in me a calling, almost a knowing, that that was what I was going to do one day: become an author myself.

When I was around eight or nine, I began writing in a diary. I loved to pretend I was writing books, so in the back, I had an “about the author” page, which was me, and there I wrote my life mission: to write for Jesus and His glory. My goal had always been to inspire people, and I had always loved Jesus. I just hadn’t learned how to trust Him. My family persisted despite it all, and my mom and grandma were always such a rock for me when my young, tender heart would be consumed with worry. I knew I had to trust God, but it was easier said than done. There were so many nights where I was overcome with fear by all we went through and all that I saw.

While I can’t definitively tell you an exact date and time for my salvation, I do remember an exact day when I surrendered to God in a way I don’t remember doing quite as intensely at any other time of my life and exactly where I was. One of the things we struggled with was our cars. We struggled financially, which affected the cars we were able to buy, and for awhile it seemed like something was always wrong with one of them. We had just bought a new used car, and I was freaking out. There was so much bad experience in the past—basically Firestone had been our second home. So on our way into town (I think something happened with our other car and we were headed into Firestone—surprise) I prayed. I told God that from now on He was in control, and He was in charge of my fears. That didn’t mean I miraculously felt better. But I had a peace, and since then I’ve matured, and I have a joy. It was the point I finally knew I was going to live for Him no matter what and that He was going to begin using me and molding me for His glory.

That night didn’t go perfect—that car actually did end up being a train-wreck. The rest of my life hasn’t gone perfect—there has still been chronic financial struggles, tension at times, and throughout my school journey, a resounding ache of loneliness and misunderstanding. There have been trials since then like MORE job losses and my aunt being diagnosed with and eventually passing away due to breast cancer. The really amazing thing, through it all, is that God has given me peace and joy and meaning and purpose like I never would have dreamed possible. He saved me, not because of anything I did, but because of His grace and unconditional love. And I am honestly so thankful He did allow those problems because they showed me what really matters in life. The sooner you can learn that, the sooner you can really live. They’ve allowed me to find my purpose in life—my story—and my passions, which is to encourage people by directing them to the only One who can. It is only through Jesus you can ever find freedom in this life. And just like I wrote in that diary entry way back then…if only one person is inspired through my story to go to Jesus, then it will all be worth it.

That’s why I’m so passionate about being a light in the dark, in blowing sparkles on the brokenness. That young little girl in me has been brought to her knees again and again, and even now, my heart still has an ache within me because being so serious for God isn’t a very common thing, especially amongst young people, so therefore my social life has practically been nonexistent throughout most of middle and all of high school. Yes, I have His peace and joy, but no, I absolutely do not always feel it—I’ve battled anxiety and depression since I was young, and it’s been very debilitating and numbing at times.

But I still wake up. God gives His grace day after day. Feelings come and go, but He is eternal, and I thank Him that He’s enabled me to live for Him and filled my heart with Him. He is good. He is faithful. Even on the darkest nights, I promise there is still hope. I promise He is still good and still fighting for you. And that’s what my writing and life is all about. Living an abundant life for Him, one day at a time.

I appreciate each and every one of you who read my blog. Your encouragement and support has absolutely astounded me over the years and been such a light God has used in MY life. Thank you for being part of this journey with me!!!

Sparkles, Ashlee ✧ January 4, 2021