Haven’t we all wished at one time or another to write a letter to our younger selves? Or just be able to go back and tell our younger selves something important we wish we’d known sooner? Or what about the opposite—do you ever wish your younger self could give you some advice NOW? Maybe at times you feel like you’ve lost your way, and going back to your youth could help you regain that innocence and fresh perspective you had.

For me, I feel both ways. I’ve reflected a lot on my past, who I was and who I am now, ever since going to college. Of course, I’ve kinda done that forever, but going away to college was the first time I felt separated from my childhood for good and like my adult life had begun, even though there were seasons of growth and maturity throughout my childhood where I developed in different and new layers.

We’re always growing into either better or worse versions of ourselves. The difference is in how we choose to move forward, and the good news is that if you don’t like the person you’ve become or are becoming, you can change it. You don’t have to be the same way forever.

I’ve been wanting to do a post for awhile writing a letter to my younger self. I feel like it’d be a good thing for me to have because there are so many things I had in my youth I wish I could get back when it comes to my spirit and faith. I spend a lot of time giving advice and trying to learn and grow, writing about things I wish I would have learned sooner, but it’s impossible to learn everything at once. Sometimes I feel like I’ve strived to learn so much that I neglect the basics—because nothing is more important than having pure, wholehearted faith and devotion as a child would. With a lot of wisdom, it’s easy to get cynical; Solomon showed us that. We can’t ever forget the faith that fostered it all.

I have several posts from when I was 13 and younger, and sometimes going back and reading them encourages me the most. My writing was actually short and concise, if you can believe it; it’s almost like you could see all my neurons expanding and getting tangled up with age. I would just lay out everything so simply, like it’s all so easy. Part of growing up is realizing it’s not, but then sometimes I ask myself, why? When did it all become so hard? Does it need to be? So I’m going to write this letter and see what comes of it.

Dear younger self,

Oh, what I’d give to be you again at times. Obviously you still live inside me, but I feel like I’ve gone a long time without your mentality. In many ways, we’re still the same. I still have your faith, your dreams, and your fears. Your love for pink, sparkles, and photos.

Your faith will continue to grow, even though as you grow up, it’ll grow in ways that make you very uncomfortable. I remember your simple but complete devotion to God, how you never dared to challenge Him on anything. You were so set on Him, knowing that what He says goes. I look back on those days and smile. I’m proud of you for that, because you really did have that childlike faith, but I also want you to know that when you begin having doubts, that’s okay. It’s necessary, even, to let your faith reach new levels. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. As you learned when you went to therapy during your high school years, it’s part of growing up.

It’s interesting how that works, isn’t it? I know you, how you vowed to never let aspects of your life change with time. You were determined not to grow up and let reality talk you out of things, from your dreams to your convictions to your faith. But, unfortunately, it’s inevitable that growing up does bring new insights, many of which are hard to ignore but also difficult to address. It’s as though the world does harden us the longer we live in it, and often our dreams do have to change to fit reality.

I know this is something that would’ve broken your heart. You were so determined not to let the world harden you, but it’s part of the sin nature that permeates everything. Even though it doesn’t feel good, I’ve realized it’s the only way for healing and subsequent growth to occur. You went through a lot, and at times, you’re still dealing with a lot. There were conflicts at the time you just didn’t understand completely or their impact on you because you weren’t made to do that; you were just a kid.

And therein lies the difference between childhood and adulthood. Some of that sugarcoated lens starts peeling away, but if it didn’t, you’d stay stuck. That doesn’t always seem like a bad thing in hindsight coming from me now, but I know everything looks better when you’re not living it. You wanted to grow up so fast. You’ll be happy to know that you did get a wardrobe of your dreams, including ~~~~~way too much~~~~~ of the stuff you always wanted from Victoria’s Secret. You’ve always had good taste, and you discovered it at a young age.

Your life will be exciting and beautiful. Not always in the way you’ve dreamed, but there will be things you didn’t dream of that will be amazing. I’m sorry I didn’t fulfill your dream of being a published teen author; I know you had that all laid out and wanted that to be how you made your mark with sharing your faith. However, what you didn’t realize is that you didn’t have to do that to be considered extraordinary. You wanted it to be something you did that made you seem extraordinary and therefore give you the opportunity to share your faith, but your faith IS what has made you extraordinary. God’s work in your life, in giving you wisdom and gifts, was enough; you didn’t have to become famous to be seen as remarkable or credible.

Still, that dream is well and alive, and I’m sure I’ll fulfill it one of these days with His help. They always said His plans are better than you imagine, and I know that was one of your biggest strengths and yet also one of your biggest thorns in the side as you grew up, your ability to dream the elaborate. But if you keep on trusting Him even when nothing looks to be working out as you imagined, looking back you will eventually see the even more elaborate and extraordinary story He’s writing for you.

You’ve been through a lot, and many times I still feel you alive and well inside me, as you were when you were eight. Sometimes I really hurt for you because there’s a lot that happened that you didn’t understand, didn’t know what to do with and couldn’t have known, and I’m still processing and healing from some of that even now. But you inspire me continually because I know you wouldn’t want me to feel down and helpless about it like I sometimes can. You never lost sight of the hope in Him despite being in the middle of adversity and instability. That’s what has made you who you are today—your strength in not giving in to the things that happened to you and letting them define you, your devotion to hope and healing and faith in Him.

Even though you grew up fast, you didn’t lose your childhood innocence and joy, and that’s still in me now, in the little things that excite and amuse me so much that sometimes people tease me about them. It’s good to grow up quickly in the mind but remain a little kid at heart, and that’s what happened to you, so even though my heart breaks at some of the pain you endured and still can carry, it’s had a purpose. It might feel exhausting being the strong person at times, but it leads to hope and character that some people go their whole lives without (Romans 5:3-5). And I’m just so proud of you that as a little girl, you wanted to love Jesus as much as He loved you, even though you weren’t yet mature enough to understand how to be obedient to Him in all ways. You still had one goal: to share Him with all the world. And I remain in awe of how He blessed you for that with the talents and drive, the wisdom and experience needed to empathize with the hurting and live His message of love.

As we grow up, a lot of that goes away. You realized that all the things you learned in elementary school about being kind and loving aren’t in everyone or even most people. Not everyone who says they’re a Christian even cares about Him and how they live. I thank God that even back then, you identified the hypocrisy and the sadness in that, and you didn’t let the world snuff it out. You remained even more committed to being different—to being like one of my favorite quotes by Charles Spurgeon says, a marked and distinct Christian. That’s the only way there is, to respond to His invitation and live, or to ignore or scorn it and perish.

It’s not easy to grow up in this day and age. The world doesn’t always reward kindness, selflessness, and integrity. But you’ve always cherished whatever it is God has entrusted to you, and I regret the times in my adolescence that I didn’t do that because I wanted more or something else. That’s why I look to you so often to keep me grounded. To remember what’s really my life’s purpose, and not what the culture says it is. To remember that cynicism doesn’t have to progress with age, not with faith in Him. And that though the world says there are many lights, there’s only one that leads the way home and is as relevant now as it was then.

So thank you for your dedication to following His light and sharing it. I’m not always as faithful as I’d like to be. I get overcome with worry, despair, temptation, pride, cynicism, and doubt a lot the more I see of the world. But He was faithful to the end, Paul was faithful to the end, and many others were, and I know your biggest desire was that I would be, too. And shout out to the two who inspired you and were there for you then and are still there for you now—your solid mom and grandma.

You have a good life ahead of you. It’s obviously not always going to be easy or play out like you thought, but I’ve seen over and over again how even that is part of something greater and more beautiful than you can plan yourself. He won’t ever leave you. You’ll see that more and more as you get older; the challenge comes in never leaving Him. But He promises that whoever He saves, no one will take out of His hand (John 10:28). It breaks my heart to think how most of the people you knew are nothing like the people they were when you knew them, yet you’ve remained the same, and you’ve only grounded yourself and planted new roots all throughout your life. That’s rare, and all glory to Him for that. It proves that who He calls, He saves, and who He saves, He sanctifies.

I want you to know that I care about nothing more than making God and you proud, and those who love you the most want the same thing. Thanks for reading so much and introducing me to my love for all this. It makes me happy to think most of the interests I have now are the ones you had back then because I’ve wanted to stay true to you and how God made you. I personally think you’d be stoked with how far we’ve come; I already feel like I’m much further along than I ever dreamed. Okay, you’re not famous and married yet, but I think the wait will be worth it. 😉

All my love (I do all this for you and what I wish you would’ve known and had then so others can likewise be encouraged and equipped),

Your older self, 20 years old