Do You Ever Feel the Longing?

I would be lying if I said my hobbies fulfill me all the time. I would also be lying if I said any one person fulfills me all the time.

In fact, sometimes, my hobbies make me feel worse off than before, and people can do that, too, even some of the people I love most.

Maybe some people see the direction this is going and think it’s cheesy, that of course I’d be writing another blog post about how we all have a void and the answer to that is God. I know people look at that scoff at it or just dismiss and ignore it, even if they believe it.

But do you ever stop to really think about that?

Or maybe you don’t really think about God much at all, but you’re always thinking about what you want. The things that make you happy. Keeping your life as fulfilling as possible.

Isn’t that what all of us want?

Maybe it is a cliché topic, but I feel as though nowadays, it’s actually a huge topic that people are trying to forget about, thereby creating numerous problems in our culture. I mean, do you ever get tired of constantly thinking of ways to be happy? Do you ever wear yourself out with thinking about everything you want? Do you ever feel like happiness is simply eluding you or that your life just isn’t good enough?

Lately, my own thoughts have driven me crazy. They have for quite some time because, as I’m beginning to go through a stage of my life where I’ll be technically “creating the life I want,” that fills me with a sense of excitement but also an overwhelming sense of stress. Because that’s the thing. Aren’t there SO many things we all want? I want to fall in love, I want to find my people, I want to get a prestigious job, I want to make a lot of money, I want to become an author, I want to go shopping every weekend, I want to go on holidays to the Bahamas…ugh, it makes me exhausted and disgusted just reading all that, honestly.

And I’ve said this before, but I should probably say it again: none of those desires are in and of themselves BAD. It’s just, in this society, we’re all so consumed with our desires. That absolutely includes me; I have an OCD brain as it is, so when you throw all that stuff into the mix, sometimes I feel like that’s all I do day in and day out, is think about all the things I want and how I’m going to get them.

For me, I’m always looking down the road, a habit that is starting to get on my nerves anymore. I’ve expressed this frustration in some of my recent journal entries. For awhile, looking down the road was sort of my “lifeline,” I guess. For example, say I was in school and bored to death, so to give myself a boost, I’d think things like, “Well, in two weeks we’re going to a hockey game, and that will be exciting,” or “Tomorrow we’re going to visit Iowa State.” And then I’d go to the hockey game, and it’d probably be mostly fun, but I’d be a little disappointed because I didn’t happen to see any players that caught my eye (wink wink), and now I’m starting to get tired, and okay we’re home now, and the hockey game’s over, so what’s next on the calendar?

And there’s just something there.

I’ve journaled about it so much, trying to attribute it to so many things: boredom, need of stimulation, etc. But then one time, when I finally spent a week of nonstop going with people, I came home so tired and worn out, I thought I would need a long break from that sort of thing.

This is all leads me to share a couple moments in particular. I love going shopping with my mom over in Des Moines. We’ve had some really special days off together where we’ve made days out of that, and just being in her company is special. But I can vividly recall this sort of trancelike feeling that came over me on one of those days. We were on our way home, and we were making our way out of Des Moines. It was the late afternoon and getting close to evening. I stared out the window at the traffic and landscape stretching out around me, and I felt this peculiar sense of numbness. I didn’t say anything to my mom or even think much of it at the time, but the thoughts were there nevertheless.

Like, that’s it? This is all there is?

I don’t mean this to sound as depressing as it might; it’s really more of an observation I’m trying to share than an overwhelming feeling. But it’s made me pause and reflect, because there have been so many times I’ve thought that and have felt like life is one big race to do everything you want to do as fast as you can to accomplish NEVER ENDING HAPPINESS.

I don’t think any of us would admit that’s what we’re striving for out loud—maybe we don’t even really think about what we’re striving towards—but that does seem to be what our society preaches, doesn’t it? It seems to get ingrained in our minds from a young age.

Think about how much society values youth and praises people for having wealth or success, and the younger they are, the more impressive it is. Think about how much consumerism plays a role in showing us what we need to have or be doing to feel complete and how we’ve used the name of efficiency to condition us to want more things, faster.

I’m not saying anything new or revolutionary, and my point isn’t even in trying to condemn any of that. My point is simply this: it gets old.

It gets old because contrary to whatever society says, we were not made for just accomplishing all of our goals and being happy forever. I’ve been honestly shocked when people at the so-called top of what they do have come out and talked about how their mental health has suffered or just shared why it isn’t all it appears to be. I should know better, but it’s so easy to idolize people whom we think have it all. I oftentimes have to laugh at a lot of these people who are famous, like how in our right minds did we decide they were worthy of being elevated to that status? How can so many people actually like that?

Again, we’re all searching, whether we realize it or not and whether we acknowledge it or not. We’re all searching for meaning and something to fill us up. There’s a multitude of reasons for why people run away from God, but I think one of the biggest reasons why young people do is simply because they don’t care about Him. Oh, they’ll SAY they care about Him plenty, but they don’t care about living a life with Him at their center, and the reason for that is because they think He will take away from their enjoyment and fulfillment of life.

But let me ask you this, how is that going? How does it feel to buy everything you’ve ever wanted? How does it feel to be so popular? How does it feel to find your validation in the amount of attention you receive and the things you own? How does it feel to chase after titles and have them accompany your identity as much as your name?

Isn’t that a disappointing life, to think that’s all there is?

Some people who are less materialistic may argue that those things aren’t what life is about, but that instead life is about finding happiness and love.

Well, excuse me, how do you plan on finding happiness? That’s going to get pretty complicated pretty quickly, I think, and very easily trickle into that list above. Emotional and psychological needs can be just as draining—if not even more so—than material needs.

Some people want to believe life is all about love, but look around you. Does the hate and corruption of the world ever drain your spirits, then? Don’t you get exhausted trying to find love, keep love, chase love? Sure, hopefully you do have some people who make love feel easy, but love really isn’t an easy thing. Something God did design to be the purpose for living and the most pure thing has also been perverted the most by sin. Just take a listen to practically any song on the radio or any quotes online to see how much “love” can hurt.

Everything traces back to a purpose, a longing that becomes deeper and deeper the more you try to meet it, and it’s a cycle that doesn’t end until you get to the root of it. You can say you’re buying a new designer bag to feel happy, and deep down you’re hoping it will gain you some attention, too, because you want the approval, and you want the acceptance, because maybe acceptance will generate love, and maybe that love is what your happiness is all about. But then you look around at the world and think, what’s my happiness? Can my designer bag hold me while I cry about a new disaster? No, it won’t, and feelings won’t sustain you forever.

I could go on and on and paint pictures of people’s longings, but the truth is the same. All of our emptiness leads back to our need for Him, and sometimes, even when your faith is strong, you feel the emptiness anyway because this is not home. Life can be wonderful, but it’s also completely corrupted, so it’s inevitable that none of our longings are going to be fulfilled perfectly of the world; only He can fill our longings, and He designed it so that only He can. Jesus said He came to give us life abundantly in John 10:10, but notice how He came for that. That’s not a pass for us to be safe in Him and then do whatever we want to fill ourselves up apart from Him. No, without Him, there is no abundant life, period. He is what brings purpose to things at the end of the day, not just another compartment in your life. He is what gives meaning to the ordinary and who provides good things and gifts (James 1:17). To run from Him is to run from His gifts and goodness, and you’ll always be chasing watered-down, corrupted, second-hand things that have been degraded from their original value.

It’s not a bad thing to enjoy a full day of shopping. It’s not a bad thing to strive your hardest for career success or another goal you have. But would you remember something? The next time you happen to look up and feel that subtle ache inside, even if it’s but for a moment, remember that that’s NOT all there is. The answer to your feelings of longing or feeling as though you’re missing out is NOT a signal to go indulge yourself some more, as our society would instruct you. Rather, heed those feelings. They are an indicator of your emotional state. If you’re longing, run to Him. If you feel like you’re missing out, run to Him. You’re not ever going to miss out on anything good when you’re with Him, because He says He will not withhold good things from those who love Him (Psalm 84:11). Keep running to Him with the longing, and even then if it persists, remember that Paul says our whole creation is groaning and cries out for restoration (Romans 8:22) and will remain doing so until He does restore the world, but in the meantime, let yourself rejoice and meditate over these words:

These are some thoughts that have been heavy on my heart lately, as I’ve been thinking about my own longings and how to deal with them. I hope these words can encourage and uplift you, too. ♥ xoxo, Ashlee