I have a confession to make. Immediately after coming home from the wonderful trip I recapped (as well as things I learned!) here, I basically ignored all of that and allowed my mind to recess back into its previous negative mindsets. And when they came back, they came back strong. This lasted a good few days after my trip. I tried to just blame it on the high of it all and then having to come home, but I knew deep down I didn’t believe that nor did I want to because I have plenty of blessings at home, and that would be making my “regular” life look horrible when it isn’t by any means. Of course it’s always easier to blame things than it is to look within.
As I kept doing my Bible study—thankfully—I was reading the book Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst. It was my mom’s book, but she wanted me to start reading it, and I was not thrilled about it at first. Maybe it was because I had a knowing it was going to hit on things I struggled with, and I just wasn’t ready to address those things. I don’t quite know why, but as I read, I could tell I had my guard up. Searching for things I didn’t agree with, ready to deflect anything that hit too close to home, that made me feel inferior or convicted about some way I was thinking.
And oh, it did. But not in a condemning way whatsoever. And maybe that was the part that got to me the most: reading about someone who had felt exactly how I did, yet they weren’t demanding me to change myself but rather were giving me this insight about how I could have a better thought life and, as such, a better relationship with God and therefore a more fulfilling life. It was not easy to read about how horrible my thinking had become. Maybe it was because I knew something needed to change in my mind—that the same thinking patterns I kept falling back into were hurting me worse and worse and taking my energy—but I just didn’t have the energy to know what to do with them. And here this book is telling me I can be free of them—it even provided a beautiful prayer that was literally what I needed…and then I started crying. None of it was condemning at all, but aren’t those messages the most effective? When someone is gently—but unrelentingly—telling you that things can be better if you’re only willing to surrender to God? That struck a nerve, and it usually hurts at first.
Of course I tried to fight. I remember talking it out and just being so indifferent—or I was trying to be, anyway—and sort of just giving up. Like I remember saying, “I don’t even care anymore what God has planned,” or something along that sense. This actually would illustrate a deeper problem I have that I’ve recognized and am going to write more about in the future, and it’s how I tend to make idols out of my dreams. And I tend to make idols out of control and results. I’m not patient at all, and most of my dreams I have to wait for, so I’m sure you can imagine how well that goes over with me. I was wrestling with God constantly, and I did need to give up. But not in an indifferent, I-don’t-even-care-anymore way. Because that’s not even true—I do care, and I care a lot, and that’s why I do fight so hard for my dreams.
I think the key, though, with anything in life, is trust in God. It all comes down to that. I know I make life way harder than it needs to be because I’m constantly searching for the reasons why, for the knowing, for that illusion of control. In doing so, I oftentimes let these thoughts go unchallenged, and then I’m actually mad at God, or I’m struggling with Him and don’t even realize it. If that’s you, regardless of what it may be with, I want you to know there’s hope and you can get freedom from that. From any negative ways of thinking. It’s not easy to recognize there’s a problem in your thinking, and it can be painful to analyze that. But it’s worth it. And the insight God will give you when you’re just willing to be still enough with Him and take a break from everything this world tries to put in your mind, you can have His perfect peace.
This is a note I wrote right after throwing a tantrum where I said I didn’t care, where I falsely blamed God (again). It’s helped me a lot when I feel anxious and overwhelmed, and I know He helped me write it. I tried writing this about five times and deleting the first few sentences until finally it just poured out of me. The thing I will say, though, about changing your thinking, is that it’s not a one-and-done thing. Guarding our minds is a constant process, and I had to learn it was okay if I felt upset again after writing this. (I sometimes will write things to myself and be like, THIS is the note that’s going to save me. I’ll never be upset again after this. But I don’t write notes because I’ll never be upset again—I write them to reference when I am upset again. And Jesus is my Savior, and He is the One who will save me, again and again, as many times as it takes. There is always deliverance in Him, but it requires great intentionality on my part to seek Him, to not run from Him when He longs to take these things from me).
So the answer is in giving up. Give up your own imperfect ideas, and trust God who knows and sees it all. It’s definitely not easy, this process of surrender, which is why I plan on writing about it more in the future. But it is what we were created for, and knowing Him changes everything. When you know Him, you know His character, and you know He is infinitely worthy of our trust. So here is the note. I pray it can help encourage you all, too. I have modified it a bit for the purpose of this post, but the general idea is the same.
“Just trust Him. Give up. Give up trying to figure things out. Give it all up. Give up the need to know. Give up whatever is bothering you. Just dream like God wants you to and relax in Him. Come like a child, as He says, and be carefree. Don’t give worries a second thought. What’s gotten you into this mess is thinking the future is up to you. It’s not. God will not let you miss what He has for you. So quit fighting so hard. Just remember He really will fight for you. But you have to let Him. You can decide that right now.
What would happen if you just let the worries go? Absolutely nothing, except you’d feel a thousand times better. You don’t need to know. You don’t need assurance that things will happen because you know they’ll happen. Just trust God for that. You don’t have to know what. You don’t have to know how. But it absolutely will. For the best. This is all preparation. For what you can’t even fathom. You don’t have to know what that is right now. Nothing else matters except loving God now. Quit letting your desires get in the way of that. Of loving Him. Those desires won’t mean anything if you can’t enjoy and REST in Him right now.
His plans for you are amazing. You know that nothing happens without His approval. Nothing is by chance. Nothing is by coincidence. He’s predestined your whole life. He knows every one of your moments. And every single one of them is there for a reason.
So stop freaking out. This is all part of His amazing plan. And it really is good. And don’t freak out about freaking out because even that is part of the plan. Struggle and pain is part of it. It will make the beauty that much greater. And you know it will be. He knows what He’s doing. You’re exhausted because you’re trying to figure it out. You’re relying way too much on yourself and in the process losing how amazing and big your God is. And how much He loves you. And how much He is doing for you. And how much you can trust He will abundantly provide for you in the future.
He will never let you go. Less time looking for reassurance, more time spending looking up these truths in His Word. He has a beautiful plan for you. Now and forever. This is only the beginning. You don’t have to see, know, or even GUESS at the ending. You can know that whatever it is, and quit trying to figure that out because that’s not your job either, it will be beautiful. Go back to having faith like a child. Go back to that rest and peace in His love. It’s what your anxious heart needs. He promises to take care of the other desires. He PROMISES. LET HIM HAVE THEM. Dream all you want, but don’t be consumed by your dreams.
The only way you’ll ever get over by anxiety, is by resting in God’s loving arms. And He’s waiting for you, for that. No more trying to have other people predict your future. No more trying to look for all the right opportunities. No more of trying to make yourself FEEL secure. None of that will work. God is the answer. He can heal any heart, and He’s fixing yours right now.
Don’t you dare go looking for reassurance beyond Him! Remember His character! He is beyond good! He gives you so many good gifts! And even when bad things come, remember: He promises to make things right! He already has! He always will! He promises to bless you for what you lose! Never give up! Again, you don’t have to figure these things out! That’s what you keep doing and it’s why you’re anxious! That’s not having faith! Having faith is CLINGING TO THESE PROMISES even when you don’t see the answers or results!! His plans for you are GOOD and NOT TO HARM YOU! So just be still!!!”
The note may seem a little blunt, but I wrote it to myself because I know I need that. If you want change, sometimes you’ve got to get firm with yourself. You can’t just hope to think better; you have to be intentional about making those changes. And you can. But not with your own power, and that’s the good news. When you just cry out to God, when you know you need that breakthrough, He will give it to you. All you have to do is just rest in Him. And even better news? If you are in Him, then He’s always going to bring you back to Him.
