Do you ever feel like there was a time in your life when you seemed happier than you do now? Maybe as you’ve gone along, you’ve convinced yourself that things have changed and not for the better, and that’s the reason for it all. I have spent a lot of time thinking about this because as much as I talk about the power of what you think and faith in God that is not dependent on circumstances, I also acknowledge the fact that there are many seasons in life that are just hard, and against your best intentions, it can still be hard to keep your head above water and focused on the things you know to be true.
Despite the fact that I’ve grown in multiple facets of life since I was a kid, there are actually a couple areas where I feel as though I’ve regressed. One of those is my perspective. Unfortunately, getting older can bring with it a more cynical, jaded perspective, when you start learning about and experiencing the harsh realities of life. But here’s the thing: it wasn’t as though my childhood wasn’t without pain. In fact, there were many seasons I went through that I knew weren’t good, but I had a perspective and confidence that ensured I was more joyful than ever.
Me when I was 11 years old
Maybe you are going through a season in life right now you think will never end. Maybe you’re getting more cynical by the day as you are stuck in a situation you never wanted. I get that, I really do. I have so many blessings in my life, but it is all too easy for me to forget all of that when I get stuck in the negative mindsets that these seasons allow to surface, and I get so impatient and frustrated. The thing that has been eye-opening for me, though, is my eleven-year-old self. It seems that I coped with each year of middle school so much better than I have with high school, but then I think, too, that high school is one of those really difficult transitional periods where everything I want is about to come to be in the form of me going out and developing my own life yet still just out of reach, whereas in middle school, you’re just dreaming about it and it’s fun but not so close to being a reality that it consumes you. There’s a lot I’ve learned about myself out of this, too, though, because just because something is about to come to be doesn’t mean I have to give in to the temptation to worry and obsess about it, especially because I don’t want to wish my life away. Eleven-year-old me realized life was happening right in front of her and enjoyed every moment of it. That certainly doesn’t mean I didn’t ever cry or get frustrated, but the overall joy that I had could not be taken away, and that was of course because of God and because of the perspective I let Him give me.
Now, I want to make a list of some things I did that year that can help. The number one thing of all is to cultivate your relationship with God. You do this by talking to Him constantly, which is truly as simple as just sharing your thoughts with Him, and you do it by reading His Word and books that help you study it. Until you do that, none of these other things will work; they will only be mere distractions that attempt to fill a part of your void. However, I want to give you a list of actionable things you can do to help yourself relax and be in the moment because if you’re anything like me, you get confused by how we live in a society that preaches this but then lives the opposite of it, so you begin to wonder what living in the moment even looks like? Well, here’s what I remember, from my eleven-year-old self:
I reached out to the people around me I trusted for support.
The main element of these hard seasons was actually my lack of people around me that truly understood me, but I also realized I was never completely alone, never because I always had God, and He was faithful to provide the people I needed, despite not having the peers and friends I dreamed of. I realize now in a lot of ways this was better for me, but at that time, I didn’t know that, but gradually what they told me has stayed with me to this day and helped shape me and set me apart for the better. Another thing I want to say about this that I remember from being a kid is to be honest with your feelings. I remember I used to hear about those emotional games teenagers play, such as where you bottle your emotions and don’t want to tell anyone because you want people to pry them out of you, and I never understood that, until I became a girl who did that… I don’t know if this sounds familiar to you all either, but I notice now that I hide my emotions, like I could be feeling completely mentally drained, but I talk to people all upbeat-like and then get resentful when “no one cares” or asks. But the thing is, people DO want to help, but when you teach yourself to become an “expert actress” at hiding how you really feel, you’re punishing yourself to maintain what, your pride? I know that’s what I do, and I’m trying hard to get better with it.
One of the truest examples I have of this is when I reached out to a teacher I had in fifth grade whom I adored, and I sent her an email at the beginning of sixth grade because I had felt so discouraged and insecure about where I fit in with my peers and such, and I literally just poured out my heart to her in that email. I was still mature about articulating my feelings without whining, and I did so in a concise manner, but the point is, I was HONEST about what I was feeling, and I shared that with her. And the advice and response she gave me is still something I cherish and carry with me to this day because it’s still every bit as relevant. Sharing your emotions doesn’t mean you have to be a “mess,” though honestly, I did that one time in sixth grade, too, where I just started crying at lunch, and another one of my teachers I still keep in contact with and adore is the one who invited me to her room and talked with me that day to encourage me. And really, I would never have had those connections if I never would have allowed myself to be vulnerable with them. If you’re going through a season you don’t want and are hurting, then tell someone that. Get help. Don’t stuff it all inside. Jesus is your Savior, and He knows how to send you other people to help you, too, but you have to swallow whatever prideful feelings you may have and seek them out.
Have a fun night out.
Okay, this is one of those you have to be careful with because it only works if your heart is already right with God; otherwise, you can make your whole life about having “fun nights out,” and you’ll never get anywhere and, as I’ve learned, if you’re in a crap mood about life, that’s just going to follow you on your night out if you don’t properly address it. However, I did want to put this on to draw attention to that and because when I was younger, like that fall of my sixth grade year, I went to a lot of movies with family, and I really enjoyed those nights, BUT that came out of the peace and security I had already established in my faith. Unfortunately, I’ve learned with age what it’s like to go to a fun event and be in a crap mood because I’m not right with God and haven’t been relying on Him like I’m supposed to, and that’s not a good feeling at all, when something that’s supposed to bring you joy and has in the past suddenly doesn’t. It just shows how those events and having fun can never mean anything without Him. The good news, though, is that I know I can have fun like that as soon as I surrender to Him. That’s why it kills me when people think to love God isn’t fun—no, trying to do anything without Him at the center of your life will end up leaving you discontent and longing for more, even if you did think you had fun, but with Him, I’ve experienced beyond just happiness and have had the truest sort of joy I never thought possible. Get right with Him first, and then enjoy a night out. Again, life is all about perspective. If your perspective is off, your life will be, too.
Embrace self-care.
This is another thing to be careful with. I think I’ve said this on my blog before, but one of my friends made a really good point about the importance of self-care but not letting it be selfish, and I wholeheartedly agree. If all you do is indulge yourself, you will actually become more miserable than you can fathom (I’ve tried it, trust me), but learning to relax and focus on what matters does require that you take care of yourself, and pampering yourself isn’t a bad thing, either, but like all things in life, there’s just a healthy balance. When you love God and love people, that doesn’t mean you neglect yourself, it means you should also take time to keep your own mental health stable. As I’ve learned, it’s tough to write blog posts encouraging others when I can’t even take my own advice. So, have fun with something relaxing that isn’t so serious but makes you feel good. My therapist has also told me this in the past when it comes to things like anxiety. Some distraction is actually okay, as obsessing is not, just so long as the distraction is healthy. Getting drunk, for instance, is a terrible idea of self-care and isn’t even self-care at all. Find healthy outlets to distract and relax your mind.
In sixth grade, I had a thing with painting my nails a lot, and that was relaxing to me. To be honest, I don’t think painting my nails is that relaxing to me anymore because my perfectionistic tendencies get in the way when I get mad that I shake too much or don’t apply the polish just right, so perhaps I need to find a different outlet then. For me, as mentioned in my last post, I have a bunch of self-tanners and like ten thousand other beauty products I thought I needed yet still need to use… Like I really have no excuse anymore for not doing this…
Focus on what you CAN do.
I think a lot of stress comes about in these situations because they show us we’re not where we want to be, and it’s that wanting to be somewhere else that really kills us, or I know it does me. Wanting to find my people, wanting to go out and do what I want… But when I was younger, without being in denial of those things, I still enjoyed the friends I did have. I have so many fond shopping trip memories. I was actually a master at this when I was younger, and I think this is one of the biggest things you can do to teach yourself to live in the moment: just be present. I enjoyed the sunshine and feel of the fresh air on my skin outside, the sweeping views of the country we have out where we live while walking my dog, the energy of hockey games with my family, the laughter I shared with family in the car, the beautiful pink sparkly binder I used to have sitting on my desk, all the pink clothes I wore, etc. I still dreamed constantly, about my future husband, about becoming an author, about traveling to a beach, but I never let those things ruin my life. Because that was silly, when I knew someday, they would come. Why let that take me out of the special moments I could enjoy then? That’s a big-time note to self for now, as I’ve gotten obsessed with my dreams for my future, and I want to back off. It doesn’t mean dreaming less, it just means loosening my grip on the control.
Take time to relax and detach from the situation.
Some seasons really are hard, and I’ve found that sometimes one of the best things you can do is just accept that yet find a way to detach from it when you can. For example, when middle school started getting really hard for me, I remember my mom picking me up and I’d still be ranting or feeling down about it, and she would tell me that I’m home now, to help me let it go. There needs to be that healthy detachment or else some situations and environments can make you feel like you’re going crazy. I know I definitely get that way with school, but it’s unavoidable, so that’s why with the remaining four hours or so I have at the end of the night, I don’t want to let those moods persist. I want to use that time to the fullest and enjoy my home, my room, my family, etc. In sixth grade, I have so many pictures of me cuddled in bed in these girly and cute pajamas, and I would watch movies on my laptop and read, all while my dog was curled up next to me in bed. Find things like this to do to help you relax and to get your mind off of those situations.
Get outdoors to give yourself perspective.
I had tons of fond memories of this—when I was younger I actually went outside, and judging by how much more peaceful I was, that should be another motivating reason for me to get back at it (when the weather warms up…I don’t enjoy anything if I’m cold, that’s just not me). But if you can, try to go outside, go for a walk, take pictures, and just talk to God. It’s amazing how just a change of scenery can clear your head, and you really do feel so much closer to God out in His creation.
Invest in your hobbies and passions.
This is maybe one of the most important things I did during those years that was what God used as part of my saving grace. When you focus on the things you love to do and care about, it helps you not to feel such a strong need to conform to a situation or its negative perspectives it may bring about. I know there were times in sixth grade where the desire to fit in and such felt unbearable, but I remember pouring a lot of those feelings into my writing, and in sixth grade I was also constantly working on my blog, as that’s when I started it. This is what helped me rise above it all. I gained confidence in my own passions, and it made some of that hurt about fitting in go away until finally, with time, it went away completely, and I was so confident in who God made me to be and what I was doing. Don’t sink to the level of others no matter how hard a situation you are in or how bad of an environment it may be.
There have been times I wondered if it would be easier for me to sort of dumb myself down and not be so series about my faith or passions, but I always dismiss that idea because it’s just stupid. “Fitting in” is just temporary and ultimately means nothing if you’re not content with who you are. Work on daily cultivating a better you and your confidence in who you are. That’s what gives you strength in seasons you don’t want. I didn’t know it at the time, either, but there were people all along who really admired my confidence and passions then, so it just shows you may not actually know how this stuff affects others, but it does. Don’t give any situation the power to change who you are for the worse. Seasons will pass, and eventually it will get better, and you may get to see why it all needed to happen the way it did. I know I catch glimpses of that often, though I am still just trusting God while I’m in the middle of the journey.
I hope these tips can help you the next time you feel discouraged with a season in your life. I’d love to hear which pieces of advice you liked the most and what you would add, so please share that with me in the comments below! Thank you all for reading!
