On Beginning Again

Hi everyone! Another long time with no post. When I thought about whenever I was going to blog again, of course I had my list of reasons for my absence, such as finals for school, being busy, etc., but really, I could tell something was off that went far deeper than that. After all, I’m a pretty passionate person, and I love to make time for the things that matter most to me…but I’ve been feeling stuck for awhile with this blog.

I hope in advance that I’m not going to turn this post into a blubbering book, but I’m also just writing this to give myself permission to sort through some thoughts.

One thing I will say about myself if I haven’t already is that I can be a raging perfectionist. In fact, my mom actually gave me a book I’m going to work on reading soon about getting over perfectionism. I’ve been in blogging ruts before for various reasons, maybe for when I am genuinely busy or have felt sick or because I’ve just not had a lot of ideas for posts, but the ruts I’ve been going through periodically the past few years were not because of any of those things. I’ve had TONS of ideas of new things to post on here, things that would be unique to me, things I maybe have not even touched on here yet…and believe me, every day that I’m not writing on this blog I am definitely dreaming about it, which makes this struggle even harder because it’s not lack of motivation, and it’s not lack of creativity or anything along those lines.

It is the feeling of being blocked.

I’ve felt like, for whatever reason, I haven’t given myself permission to try new things or even write at all anymore. Why? It goes back to that perfectionist way of thinking. I have big dreams for my blog and, as I’ve said before, not a lot of patience when it comes to actually fulfilling my dreams. So, because my blog is not where I think it should be yet, I’ve gotten into a negative view where it’s not good anymore, or anything I write isn’t going to mean anything. I’m sure you can imagine, if not relate to, how that way of thinking will absolutely destroy any ounce of creativity or motivation you had.

I love to dream and think of the big picture, the long-term, the where I want my blog to be in five, ten, twenty years, etc. The problem that can come with this, though, is that you can suck the life and joy right out of the moment you’re in, losing all appreciation for where God has you NOW. Or, also in my case and even worse yet, start to think that where you are at in life now is bad or somehow wrong compared to where you think you should be.

So what happened? I stopped writing because I over-analyzed every idea I wanted to write about. I stopped posting anything on my social media because I guess I felt afraid of what people would think. I don’t know if “afraid” is necessarily the right word, but I guess it could be because I thought if I posted anything less than “perfect” (as deemed so by my mind), then it wouldn’t be worth it and nobody would care.

There’s a quote I found recently that really hit home, and it said something along the lines of how people don’t get burned out because of what they do but rather because they forget why they do it.

I can think of no better explanation to describe what’s happened to me than that. Somewhere along the way, I have really went away from the fact that I started this blog for the glory of God, not for the approval of people or to impress as many people as I can. I have placed all this pressure on myself to learn marketing strategies and what not and then felt like such a failure when nothing was growing, thinking my blog was a failure and that I’m not ever going to succeed with it, while ignoring the truth that God never asked me to do any of that, and since I am doing this for Him, I can trust that HE will provide what He sees fit.

I have always trusted this with my novels. I had not ever doubted my ability to write good stories, not because I think I’m so fabulous but because I knew God had given me an ability to do it, and I was going to do my part in developing them and learning as a writer. *But my perfectionism has also led to problems with this, too, which I will talk more in-depth about in another post coming soon.* Also, though…

No one reads my novels. Right now, they’re just between God and me. And, despite how much I dream about fame and success for my novels, right now I guess I kind of like having them to myself. Because I don’t have to worry about criticism. I don’t have to worry about catering to an audience’s needs. While those things are involved in the writing process, for some reason, I don’t ever doubt or question myself when it’s just me working on them. I come up with a theme that I think people need to hear, that God lays on my heart, I write the book, and then I work to make it better, knowing that in and of itself is a lengthy, tedious process, but it will pay off.

With my blog, though…it’s another story. Everything I want to write, I know will probably be read by at least someone, and that can be a scary thing, especially in this age where everyone is trying to make their blogs their businesses, and you constantly hear terms like “strategies” and “demographics” and “audience’s needs.” Which, might I add now, none of those are bad things. In fact, they’re crucial for success with any entertainment piece, whether that’s a novel, movie, etc.

But you can run into problems when you obsess, when you overthink, when you second-guess yourself at every chance you get.

You can run into problems when you place all that energy on YOURSELF and don’t instead respond to what God has been laying on your heart, doing your part to give Him glory, and then just letting go and trusting Him with the rest.

Do I think you should sit idle and just WAIT for your blog purpose to come to you or to market your content? Not necessarily. You have to use discernment by taking action when you’re called to. If there’s a certain marketing strategy God has called to your attention that you can reasonably implement, then by all means use it; don’t ignore the resources God has given you. But when you feel like you’re at the end of yourself and that you’re not even enjoying something God called you to do because you’re trying to force things that aren’t there? Then you need to take a step back, I had to take a step back, because that is not what God wills for you.

I think that has been the most heartbreaking thing of all for me, that this site I dreamed so much about, that I still love so much and want to pursue in any way I can, ended up causing me to feel such overwhelming despair because “it’s not where it should be…” And it’s like, excuse me, do I think I’m God? Who gets to define where a blog should and shouldn’t be? That’s relative for everyone, and again, if this is something I am doing for God, which it is, then why can’t I just trust Him that He does know what He’s doing with my blog?

I never dreamed of quitting blogging ever, I want to do this until the day I die, but it was sad how warped my mindset became because I wasn’t trusting God and was instead relying on myself to make everything happen. It was sad to think that something I love so much was getting labeled as “meaningless” in my mind or like it didn’t have any value. That way of thinking will lead to burnout quickly, as I found, even though I still have more ambition and vision than ever to do things with this blog.

But I am still going to do those things because I am learning a lot about the importance of the thoughts I think and how to change them so that they honor God and, in turn, help me lead a more joyful, productive life. And that in and of itself opens up even more opportunities for me to write on my blog about those thoughts and how to change them. Negative thinking is not productive whatsoever, and I want to write much more about that in the future.

Right now, that might mean starting again. Growth doesn’t come overnight, whether that’s demolishing some toxic mindsets that I didn’t even realize were toxic and that I’ve carried with me for so long now, or whether that’s growth of a blog, career, etc. It can be very painful at times, but I’m learning that’s okay because when you run to God with that pain, your eyes can be opened to all He is trying to get you to let go of and instead embrace.

It might take awhile for this blog to be where I want it, but I’m learning that’s okay, that I can trust God’s plans over mine, knowing they will be best. It might take awhile for me to feel comfortable writing again since I’ve spent so long comparing, overthinking, and putting myself down.

But you’ve got to start somewhere to begin the healing process.

That may mean, for the time being, that I forget about audience, forget about analytics, forget about numbers and views and competition…

And just write. Write like it’s a novel (ha except I already do and you all might stop reading then) or just another entry in my journal.

Because at the end of the day, I never started this blog for marketing, for sales, etc. Again, those are tools that can be good, but that wasn’t my ultimate goal. Maybe in time I would like to do more with that but only when God sees fit and when I have found confidence in my own brand that He’s called me to.

That’s what I thought about when I started. My stories. My thoughts. My lifestyle. For His glory. Not because I’m a saint or because I think you all need to be following my every move/thought (ha, please don’t), but because it was then that I could be real and share what God has taught me in hopes to encourage you in your OWN life. Really, lifestyle blogs aren’t about copying anyone; they’re about finding inspiration and ideas for your own life with things that can help you. And I always wanted to do that with my faith because I knew God had helped me in numerous ways, I saw how other people were hurting and could benefit from hearing about His work in my life, and I believed that my stories, my life, had value, because He said it did. And so does yours, and that’s always what I wanted this blog to be about. That YOU have value, your life has meaning, and it’s not always easy, but God loves you and wants to help you live an abundant life.

Nowadays, it’s cool what all can be shared with a blog, from fashion tips and inspiration to travel recaps and beyond. I LOVE fashion and travel, and I don’t get to indulge in them as much as I would like to, but when I do, I am so thankful, and I love sharing even those “smaller” insights because I think God is in everything, from girly design inspiration to visiting a beach (which I still haven’t done but will eventually), etc. I guess to me, when I journal, it’s never been one or the other, faith or lifestyle content, because for me it’s simple: God is in everything. I learn about Him at church, and I learn about Him at the shopping mall. Those are very different things, yes, but the insights God will share are available to anyone, anywhere, so long as you seek them, and that’s what sets my soul on fire. That’s what I love writing about, thinking about, and sharing with the world.

It’s still hard for me to fully embrace my ideas of everything I want to write about because I do have that lingering mindset of “but who will like this?”

But I’m just going to try this for awhile. Just writing about these ideas I’ve dreamed about for so long. My stories, my ideas, my tips, for the glory of God. Fashion, for the glory of God. Travel, for the glory of God. Studying the Bible, for the glory of God. Fitness, for the glory of God.

In fact, as I wrote this, one Bible verse vividly came to my mind:

To live for God, it’s that simple. Just live. Make Him your priority and serve Him through wherever you’re at, regardless of what job you have, etc. When I was younger, I always dreamed of just having this blog to grow with me, sharing anything and everything that God taught me along the way. I didn’t want to limit myself to just one “title.” Like if and when I get married and have kids someday, I don’t want my blog to turn into a “marriage blog” or “mommy blog,” but I will share things that I learn in those seasons of my life for God’s glory. I think that can be done with anything—fashion, beauty, travel, education, etc. Whatever it is, it is God who gives us the means to do it and enjoy it, and we can honor Him with how we live and decisions we make in regards to various lifestyle decisions. That’s why I don’t just want to be a “fashion blog” or “health blog” but just have this as a space where I can share what God has done in my life and revealed to me with all of those things. The world doesn’t own fashion, and it doesn’t own exercise or whatever else it may be. Those are things God blesses us with and gives us the need and want for, and we can honor Him with those things.

And that’s really the key. It’s about Him, not about pleasing anyone else. It’s about Him as we serve other people, but even then, we are not doing it for their approval. When I’ve made this blog all about impressing people, I don’t get very far. When I make it about Him and trust Him to use it to help people, I’ve been amazed by some of the things I hear. Nevertheless, it’s about Him, period, regardless of what the “response” is.

I may take breaks. I may struggle. I may try something and it doesn’t work. I may try again. I may struggle again. All of that is part of life. But I will not give up. I will not quit writing. And I will never, ever stop sharing Him.

So…do I just publish this post now? I’ve had this sitting in my drafts for a little over ten days now, and yes it did turn into a book (what can I say, I guess I must be a better author than a blogger, ha)…but hopefully this can even inspire you if you’re struggling with perfectionism or getting the courage to just start truly pursuing something again. I will admit that I’m a little lost on where to go from here…I know perfectly well what I want to write about, anyway, but I feel like I’ve gotten so out of touch with social media that I don’t even know if I want to share my posts there…which obviously I will, or no one will see them, but social media has been a struggle mentally for me, too. First, there’s all the ways I’ve compared and hurt myself that way, and plus, I just don’t think social media is designed to be real, and authenticity is literally one of the main values I have and one of the main reasons I created my blog…so you can imagine how hard it is for me to be on those platforms. Also, I actually like not living on social media. Never thought I would, truly. But ever since I took that hiatus clear back in 2017, it changed me. I just realized life is so much better when it’s not lived on and for the internet.

What does that say about my blogging career, since essentially one half of a blogging career is the actual blogging and the other half is utilizing social media? Well, maybe it’s not time for me to have a blogging career then. Maybe it’s time to work on my novels. Maybe it’s time to focus on design and making a career there. Maybe it’s time to just write and not worry about the social media aspects until a different time.

That’s the beauty of surrendering to God. Not having such rigid plans and expectations. Being flexible. Enjoying creating because He’s allowed me to. Living free from what people think or say I need to be doing to be successful.

So I’m going to try this, and I really think I’m going to enjoy this. I hope and pray I can help share some of the things I’ve learned, which, briefly, I will describe: at the beginning of 2020, think like the entire month of January and a good bit into February, I was very negative. I, once again, had my idea of what a perfect year is and what I should be doing to jump-start my success, and I already felt like I was in a funk and not living up to my expectations. Flash forward to these last couple weeks, the world is upside down, and I’ve gone through my fair share of challenges with that, too, but I feel so much more at peace. I have by God’s grace changed my thinking in a lot of ways.

He showed me what matters and that it’s not just accomplishing goals that gives life meaning. I know I already wrote a post about all my goals and how I said I was getting a new perspective, but that didn’t actually work for me for long, so I redid my goals because God revealed to me something else He has been trying to get through to me for awhile. I’ve been so much more productive as a result, but the thing is, I haven’t even been trying. The world thinks productivity comes from trying all these strategies and doing all the things to be more efficient, but God has shown me that true productivity comes from basically doing the opposite. More on this and my updated goals in my next blog post/novel, though, so stay tuned. And with that, a post over something I also can’t wait to share some new lessons I’ve learned from: finishing my second novel and now being deep in the process of revising it.

I really enjoyed writing just this post, and even though I’m not sure if I accomplished anything with it, I know I definitely reignited that love in my heart for doing all this. The other night, I went through some old pages I’d wrote for this blog, like archived about pages…and it was just so fun to read because in so many ways, I’ve known what I wanted to do from the beginning with this blog. It’s sad that I started to let the world tell me otherwise, that I let myself get so impatient and try to busy myself with things I thought would help make me a better blogger…but all that did was waste so much time I could have been using to write.

I can’t wait to get on here and just write when it’s a post like this, and that’s the way it should be. So here’s to doing more of that, of sharing His truth with the world without worries about trying to promote it to the world. Writing is what’s helped keep me sane, over and over throughout the years, and my prayer is that I can share these things so you all will maybe not learn the hard way like I have on some things. 😉 Until next time, thanks so much as always for reading!! I can’t thank you enough for your support of my writing since really, it’s been all of YOU that have ultimately reaffirmed my decision to just write because I love being able to help inspire people even just a little bit, and if that genuinely helps people, I don’t want to stop doing that because I’m too caught up in my own drive for fame. So…I do sincerely apologize for my absence, and not that I want to make empty promises, but I will come back and continue to share more because that’s what God created me to do and I can’t disobey Him forever. 😉 Be well and keep your eyes on Him!!