Ever since beginning middle school, I’ve learned something new each year. Not the type of learning where you figure out how to add negative numbers and what not, but more like the type of learning where I figure out WHO I AM. Cheesy, right? But it’s true. In April, towards the end of sixth grade, I wrote a blog post called “An Honest Post: Me at School” about my honest feelings toward what I was learning about myself and in my faith. I thought we’d revisit it to see if I overcame any of the struggles I was facing and if any new ones have arose.
To start with, I talk about being a light and how it’s hard because there are a lot of people who just don’t get it. This, unfortunately, has gotten worse.
I’m not trying to brag about myself or say that I’m so great by saying this, but because of how close I’ve gotten with God through the trials my family has battled and just out of my own eagerness, I see the world differently than a lot of my friends. I also am not trying to bring any of my friends down or spread gossip - I’m just stating what I see. I see a few who love gossip and drama, and you know the scary thing?
By me hanging around them, it makes me get involved. That quote “you become who you hang around” is true to some extent. When they’re gossiping and what not, sometimes I find myself doing it, or when they’re goofing off at our practice or something. I am responsible for my own choices, I’m not trying to blame any of this on my friends. However, it’s easy to follow what someone else (especially a friend) is doing. Then I always feel like an idiot afterwards for doing what I did.
I also still feel alone in my faith. Sorry, but it’s the truth: there are not a lot of kids willing to live out their faith. There have been a few of my friends who have gotten stronger in their relationship with God, and that’s awesome, but then I’ll see them being obnoxious or getting their head into drama. I’ll see them acting immature and getting into all the dating stuff. Again, don’t think I have it all figured out. Please, please don’t. I don’t. The only difference I feel like I have with some of the girls are that I WANT to get stronger in my faith, I try to strive to be a better person. I’m not saying they don’t, either, but a lot of times their demeanor says it all.
Plus, the times I do speak up, sometimes they think I’m a know-it-all, which gosh, that’s the last thing I want. In fact, I have a story to tell.
This year I had my first somebody-denying-faith-and-now-I-have-to-speak-up moment. In one of my classes, we were learning something about different theories. We were assigned a group, and we had to decide on a theory that we had to prove right. It was talking about cells, and basically it came down to this: living things can be created from nothing or basic materials (kind of like how God says He creates us in Genesis) and evolution. A) I am fine learning about other theories. I’m not going to be one of those people who’s like, “Oh my gosh! I don’t agree with this! Plug your ears and close your eyes! LA LA LA LA oh my gosh I need to go cry in a corner I can’t take this.”
Which, okay, let’s be honest. Sometimes I do feel that way when I compare evolution to the science behind God, but I’ll still be respectful of other people’s opinions. God will deal with them. Anyway, and B) I do believe in evolution TO A POINT. Obviously if you go way back you can see how humans have adapted to different conditions over time, but God created us. Period.
My group could not come to a conclusion. We had all said the theories we thought best and backed them up, but each of us were still certain in our own theory. It was a bad feeling I had, because I suppose I could have just gone with explanation 2 and see what they would have done. But the problem is, we had to prove it right. HOW can I prove something right when I don’t believe in it?! It’s like me trying to say pink is the worst color ever. And you’d be like, “Duh idiot, you have it all over your blog.” It just doesn’t work!
But something had to work for the project. We had to come to an agreement. It wasn’t resolved by the end of class, and the next day we had to begin the projects to prove our theory right. I was freaking out. I kept debating over and over if I should just do explanation 2 and see what happened, but no. That would be giving in. I’m not going to prove that right. I talked to both my parents about it, and I ended up composing an email to my teacher about it all. Thankfully, it wasn’t like the movie God’s Not Dead where I would’ve taken an F or had to prove God to be true (although I would’ve done either). He told me I could switch groups, so thankfully it worked out. Still, it gave me a little glimpse on what it’s like to stick up for your faith.
The story doesn’t stop there. I was talking about my friends thinking I’m a know-it-all, and it has to tie in with this story. I was asking a few of my friends which explanation they picked for the project, and both said #2. I was a little disappointed, because I knew they were Christians (and yes, I know that this doesn’t make them a “bad” Christian, but I was curious as to why they picked #2). I asked one of them why she picked #2, and she gave her opinion on how she doesn’t really get how things can just be created. I made the comment, not trying to be rude, just adding my opinion, “But isn’t that what God does in Genesis?” I don’t exactly remember what she said next, but I know it was something along the lines of “You’re too good at this.”
I felt bad, because A) was I acting like a know-it-all? I just wanted to add my opinion, and B) was it really that hard to figure out? A part of me felt bad if I was acting smug, but another part was like “IT IS RIGHT THERE IN GENESIS GOSH DANGGIT!”
As for cliques, they’re still there. They always will be there. And thankfully, I have learned to totally not care. I’m over the drama. I know how stupid and meaningless it is, so it honestly doesn’t even phase me anymore. Sometimes it makes me irritated in basketball, but they think basketball is actually their life, and I have to choke on my laughs because it’s not. They think making a lot of points is important, but nobody will remember that one day. Even if they do make it big, it fades from memory over time. The world is going to end too. That’s why I say it doesn’t matter how far you took your talents, but how far you took them to be a light for God. It’s the same with my writing, too. It’s pointless. The only thing that matters about it is if people are growing stronger in their faith. The compliments and such, they are not why I do it (although feel free to keep them coming, I love them!).
As I’m scrolling through this post, I see that the cliques were a big problem, but thankfully I now know that they’re not. The big problem for me this year has been friends - trying to find one who gets my faith. It will probably always be a problem, but it’s okay, because God is all I need.
Oh yes, let’s revisit dating now. I feel like the dating hasn’t been as bad as last year, but kids still do it, and there’s still drama about it. I could tell last year I was pretty ticked about this, but this year, I can confidently hold my hands up and say, “I’m so glad I’m not involved in this.” The thing is, at this age, nobody is doing it because they genuinely like the person. It’s because it just seems like the thing to do, and I’m not doing that. I’m guarding my heart until I find the right guy, and that is FINE by me. God has a plan for me, and I’m not going to rush it by getting involved in all this petty dating drama. We still don’t even know what we’re doing yet. It’s kind of pathetic, to be honest.
I also found out this year that I’ve reached more people than I thought, and that is awesome. That is the point of what I do. It’s all for God.
The one thing I have had more problems with this year is two faces. There will be this girl who says some really nice things to me, but then she won’t talk to me at school. And it’s like ?!@#$%&* But that is where I really, really have to know my worth in God and know that we’re all on different levels in our faith.
Related: We’re All on Different Levels
I’ve also had an obsession lately with wanting to make money from my blog, and I have to learn to trust in God’s plan and be patient. I have learned more about taxes thanks to this post, but I can just tell it’s not the right time.
But above all, I feel good. I feel great. Basketball has been absolutely exhausting, and I’m not sure what I’m going to choose there in terms of next season, but I know that God has my back. Jesus died for me, and I’m going to tell people about him. I get mad at my friends. I get involved in drama. I throw fits over things that I know are meaningless. But in the end, I am okay. Because God helps me back up. My family helps me up. I am going to be just fine.
In the end, the only thing that defines us that MATTERS is if we are a child of God. I am, and I’m going to live for Him. Thank you for reading about this and for your support. It really means a lot to me. I’m also going to be sharing news about my second book soon, so stay tuned. I’m thankful for all of you. Live for God, always.