Sharing My Favorite Blog Post Draft | Childlike Faith & Surrender
One of the beauties of writing I can’t stop thanking God for is remembering and tracking growth, progress, and development in my life. That’s why I journal so religiously; I know I will appreciate it down the line. I have been blogging since I was 11 years old, and it’s been such a gift for me to go back and see how I thought at earlier points of my life. Let’s face it: there is something about that childhood innocence. I don’t think I ever understood Jesus saying to come to Him with the faith of a little child as much as when I did grow up and found myself constantly looking back on what I did when I struggled when I was younger. Even if I was naive, it was a much simpler time, then. I wasn’t cynical or negative as much; I had my head set totally on God before the world and circumstances really got the chance to corrupt it.
Of course, part of growing up and maturing is that you do begin realizing harsher truths about the world, but at times, instead of drawing closer to God through them, I would instead pull away. I didn’t like that my faith seemed weaker, more dependent on my circumstances and feelings in reaction to ugly realities, and I knew it wasn’t that way when I was younger. I also knew that my younger self, while more innocent and naive, also wasn’t dumb or in denial, either. Some of the hardest things I went through were when I was very young, which is why I believe God helped me get my head set on Him so young. I learned early on that I didn’t want to do life without Him and that He needed to be the center of my life, not just a part of my life, like I talk about here.
Because of that, before all the big heartache and disappointments and temptations of the world had really run their course, I had a much purer devotion and perspective to God and about faith that sometimes I tended to lose sight of when I was older. I’ve not been one to write out my notes through blog post drafts, but there was one instance where I did, and I’ve kept that draft ever since. When I read it, I was actually amazed at some of the things I did realize at a young age, which I wanted to share with you, because I think as we get older, at least this happened for me, the world can perhaps look more alluring than it did when we were young, when God was the only One we sought to please. Things like peer pressure, instant gratification, unfair circumstances, and more seem to take the forefront of one’s mind once they have a clearer understanding of them with age. It can make it easy to be cynical about faith or lose the pure, unshakable hope in God you once had before. This is a post that I come back to when I need to be reminded of the ultimate purpose of life and how God showed me this once before, so I know He can get it through my head again.
I’m not going to paste the entire post in here just because I was rambling about some little family drama that was stressing me out, and it’s really not what was going on that’s the subject but rather what God revealed to me as I was literally writing through it. This post draft was started and finished on April 22, 2015, shortly after I turned 12. At that point in my life, I had a much more optimistic view of life overall due to my innocence and reluctance to fully embrace any dysfunction I’d experienced or was experiencing throughout my journey, but I still felt the weight of certain circumstances and recognized my need for Him above all. Here is how it starts:
“I don’t know if this is a post I will ever hit publish on but maybe I would. If you think my life is sunshine and unicorns, this post would be perfect to prove that it’s not.
“Normally, I stay positive. Normally, I try and find the good in life – the hope. But there is always one thing I have a weakness for: when my family is upset. When my family is upset, I get upset. I know you’re supposed to not let anyone steal your joy, and usually I don’t. For some reason, my family is another story. Everyone has something they need to work on, and this is definitely mine.
“I guess I’ll start from the beginning….”
So, this basically sums up what I was trying to explain earlier. I did have a much more positive outlook on life, and I’m not saying I DON’T now, but over the years I’ve just gotten to the point where I have to acknowledge my emotions and how I’m feeling rather than always trying to immediately search for some kind of silver lining because sometimes that always trying to be positive can be just as exhausting, too. Sometimes I just have to say screw it, things are what they are and they suck right now. Anyway, this was a post I wrote about something random happening in my family. We were about to go on a trip and something was broken and they were stressed and I was worried about how they would react and blah blah blah. I just wrote that out as it was unfolding at that time, and it’s not that relevant here, so let’s continue. And yes, before you diagnose me as being codependent or whatever, I knew even back then how other people reacted to things shouldn’t be my problem and needed to be something I surrendered to God. However, because of my type of personality, influenced probably by a lot of the things I saw during my childhood, I was always very sensitive to other people’s emotions and reactions, and peace was something I always craved to feel secure. Not saying that’s right, I’m just saying that’s how I am. Despite how blunt I may sound on here, I actually hate conflict in real life and try to avoid it as much as is healthy.
“Gosh, I love my family. And I love God. Through my talent, writing and blogging, He helped me relieve some stress and gave me a peace as I typed. Maybe one day I will revise this post and publish it. Maybe I could help others, too. And, I don’t know if the rest of the night will go smoothly, but I know it will BE OKAY.…”
To fill in the gaps, nobody did react badly, so obviously I had felt a weight lifted off my chest, but even despite that, I also realized at the time that my joy and peace shouldn’t be dictated based on how my circumstances turned out. I wrote as this was happening until I got to this point where everything appeared to be working out, but through that, not only did it help me relieve the stress of what I was worrying about, God also put it on my heart to write this for times when perhaps their reactions weren’t good and drama did ensue—which has definitely happened:
“Sometimes we need to put life into perspective. When we look back on this, was it worth it?”
No, it wasn’t worth it because it ended up all being fine. With that being said, sometimes things aren’t always fine. I’ve had plenty of nights since where I’ve been worried and something bad has happened. I’ve had plenty of nights where I’ve lost my peace because of it and a few nights where I remained strong in Him and didn’t let myself be distracted by my immediate circumstances. The key, though, is remembering and meditating on this last part of the post:
“You know what? You ARE in charge of your happiness! God is with you, He will give you peace. All you have to do is cry out for Him….”
And that actually is true, might I add. When I have been in similar situations or times where I do feel such fear, one of the most simple but effective things I can do is just pray, God, I’m afraid. Please be with me. Please help me and comfort me, and I just keep repeating phrases like that over and over again. Sometimes the physical and mental sensations of fear are still there, but what that does is it shifts my focus on Him, and it forces me to acknowledge Him as my Protecter and Deliverer rather than dwell on the fear I’m having and the situation itself. Because of that, you can remain joyful, you can remain at peace, even if you’re scared to death.
“Remember, sometimes life isn’t easy. We don’t get to choose our situations, but we can choose what to do when we receive them. Sometimes good people don’t get a happy ending. But that depends what happy ending we’re talking about. Followers of Christ may not get an earthly happily ever after, but we will definitely get a heavenly one that will never end. Remember that.”
That’s the paragraph that really took me by surprise when I reread this post years ago after it’d been sitting in my drafts. What surprised me is how easily I could surrender to the last part of the paragraph—the fact that good people aren’t guaranteed a happy ending, but even that all depends on perspective. Because it’s still common for me to feel owed an earthly happily ever after and compare to other people, and I certainly don’t have all the answers when it comes to that; my bitterness stemmed out of my relentless thinking about and comparing in the fist place.
That’s why you can’t overthink. You have to know God and know that He is good and then trust Him with that, regardless of what your current perspective is telling you. That’s something I had figured out when I was younger because I had that foundation set on Him, and because of my young age, I didn’t entertain the lies I do now about God not being good or not taking care of me. That’s why you must come like a child—the faith that trusts completely because you love your Father and know that He is good, even when you don’t understand what He’s doing. You have to detach yourself from all the “grown-up” distractions and responsibilities and get tuned back into the One whose child you are.
