I am blown away, quite delighted, and yet mostly unsurprised by an exciting trend on my blog: according to several of my analytics platforms, my most popular post over the last few months has been my post on waiting for your future spouse. I’m excited about this because one of my areas of passion is relationships, specifically romantic relationships, and that’s been a topic I want to write much, much more about on here.

Growing up, I felt unqualified to write about relationships for many reasons even though I learned so much of this when I was newly 13. I felt like that was too young to even be serious about dating, which I wrote about here, so I didn’t have any personal experiences to share. Plus, a big thing was that I lived at home with my parents, and I didn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable if I was how young writing about things like romance and sex. Well, now I’m 21 years old and there’s nothing they can do, and I feel like even though I personally have made the choice half willingly/half unwillingly not to date anyone yet, I’ve definitely been around people in all circumstances, and I can no longer keep silent about these topics anymore. Especially in the Christian community, young people have questions and need guidance, and I feel like I’ve learned a lot from having time to be single and focus on myself, my faith, and what healthy relationships look like and from seeing what NOT to do.

I’m going to share some of the biggest takeaways I had from reading The Chase, a non-fiction book geared towards young girls by Karen Kingsbury’s daughter, Kelsey, and her husband, Kyle Kupecky, which I’ve read several times over. To me, it does provide a comprehensive and biblical overview of what people should know about godly relationships and trusting God to be in control of them. It definitely helped ground me, and I’m excited to share how it helped me.

I also invite you to subscribe to my monthly mailing list, and when you do, you can download a free printable with some of the prayers I wrote in response to certain sections of the book when I was young! Although, in all honesty, I thought these prayers would be more helpful, but I think if anything, they’re just humorous. You can definitely tell I was only 12 years old with all the concerns of a 12-year-old, but that’s funny to see. I enjoyed creating it, and I didn’t even fix the grammar. If you’d like to laugh about that yourself, you can access it here.

Without further ado, I want to start sharing some of the advice this book and other Christian resources have shared that has helped me the most.

Advice for Single Christians & What I Learned from THE CHASE

The emphasis is always on God first.

One of the things I loved about this book is how even though it was much more positive than other blog posts or books I’d read for young people on dating, it didn’t cross that line into being fluffy. The tagline is literally “Trusting God with Your Happily Ever After,” and Kyle and Kelsey did not shy away from that. Ultimately, no relationship can reach its full potential without Him, and you don’t want to ever abandon Him once He gives you a relationship. Life is about God. The other stuff can be great, but it was never meant to replace Him or “take over.” One of the biggest reasons why this book was so effective for me is because it got me excited about surrendering to and trusting God more. It really showed how we need Him ALWAYS. A lot of people, girls especially, compromise their faith because they want love so bad, but this book, without being judgmental or critical, shows that you can’t experience the best God has for you without having Him at the center of your life. Our focus has to be on Him more than finding a mate, which is something I can still struggle with, and I’m finally realizing that I think it’s a blessing He has kept me single for as long as He has because I think I would’ve compromised myself a lot emotionally and probably even physically, too, if given that opportunity. It’s easy to want and believe something, but I am so vulnerable to my emotions. I need this time to really be grounded in Him so that I can’t be swayed by guys who want any less than God’s best for me.

Godly love does exist.

We are living in a culture full of self-centered people that I think has been so perpetuated by the media, “social” media apps, dating apps, and the prevalence of pornography. A lot of people understandably have become very cynical about finding good people, much less godly people, and I am no exception to this. But you have to be careful ’cause if you genuinely don’t believe there are godly people out there, you might be tempted to settle or close yourself off from good people. In the foreword of this book, Karen Kingsbury briefly addressed her relationship with her husband and how she was so grateful she married a godly man, and Kyle and Kelsey talk a ton about how they were waiting for the right person who loved God, too, and ultimately found each other. Their story has always inspired me for reasons we’ll discuss because I can relate to them a lot. But that is the first point: you have to believe this kind of love exists, even if you’ve never seen it in your life. If it can exist in you, it can exist in someone else.

Never underestimate your prayers.

One of the things I loved that Karen also talked about in the foreword is how on her honeymoon, she and her husband prayed for their future kids and their future spouses and realized they wouldn’t know the power of that prayer until decades later. Don’t forget the prayers you’ve said decades ago. Good things can definitely take time, but God never forgets our prayers, and you never know how He might deliver on your behalf. This is especially true for things like this that you haven’t experienced yet. In Karen’s case, Kyle ended up being born that day. That just blows my mind. Don’t think God is beyond doing that for you. I will admit that as I’ve aged, I’ve gotten much more cynical, and I don’t like that. God does do marvelous things like that. You have to think that even if you don’t believe it.

You’re not alone.

Kelsey’s story was SUCH a blessing to me. In complete honesty, I don’t know if I could’ve pushed through middle school and high school without knowing what she went through in the back of my pocket. For context, I read this book at the beginning of seventh grade. This was before losing all my friends that spring, essentially, and before the resulting lonely and quiet years that would follow as I finished high school. It turns out Kelsey was very much like me: serious at a young age about following God and obeying Him, one of the last of her friends not to cave into temptation, and very emotional and lonely even with a loving family (I say this to show it’s not just girls who have issues at home or may be lacking love in other obvious ways that can still feel upset about not having a guy; I think it’s something that is, to an extent, hard-wired in many of us, and our culture doesn’t help matters). She talked about how her years were lonely, too. I remembered that when I felt like one of the only girls in my school without a lot of friends to hang out with.

It’s important to know you’re not the only one feeling certain things and going through hardships. On the outside, I tried to be confident and secure in being alone for God, but over the years, as you can imagine, it took a toll on me inside. I became very insecure and had a lot of self-doubt. It was hard not to feel like something was wrong with me or like I wasn’t just super judgmental and picky about who I wanted in my life, and then along with that, it was easy to feel like I’d never find a mate if I couldn’t even find friends. Knowing Kelsey experienced incredibly similar circumstances but still found her guy was a game-changer for me. She became a role model for me, proof that God does deliver and would for me, too. I feel like it’s common to hear of a lot of Christians being wild when they’re young and coming to find forgiveness and redemption later in life, which is great, because that is so many people’s stories, but it’s much less common to hear of people being serious when they’re young. I felt like that impacted me a lot because I would sometimes get resentful of being serious about God when I was young and feeling like I was the bad, judgmental person. It’s a much harder battle I talk about here, but it is worth it. Knowing that someone like Kelsey had lived that and survived made me feel validated in a way I hadn’t been before.

It is not necessarily sinful to want to find someone you’re attracted to.

I mentioned this elsewhere, but in case you’re not aware or haven’t read this before, do you know why I actually bought this book? It’s kinda funny, looking back, but it’s true. The summer of 2015, before entering seventh grade, I developed a new crush. Crushes were nothing new to me; I’ve been crushing on guys since I even knew what it meant, I think. But this time, it was different. I’d moved on from this older guy in my hometown I’d seen around for two years to a hockey player none other than Zach Parise, only I was overcome with anxiety about my crush on him for the first time, which was new to me because I usually always knew that my crushes were temporary and nothing would come of them and I had my whole life to find hot guys.

Well, this time it was different. Thanks to my dad and brother’s NHL game they played all the time, I saw his picture, and I started looking him up—he played for the Minnesota Wild at the time—and I was just really attracted to him. I think I was also attracted to the fact that he seemed family-oriented, mature (’cause he was already 30 HA), and actually like someone I would want to meet personally, whereas usually all my other crushes were kinda dumb, to be honest, but I just thought they were attractive. I knew nothing would ever come to be with Zach and me because I WAS 12 and he was already married with twin babies. So I actually got anxious because I became more infatuated with him, and I didn’t feel like I’d be able to find anyone else as attractive as him. I can obviously laugh at this now, and even at the time, I reminded myself how much I loved this guy before Zach came, and then once Zach came he was gone, but at the time, that’s really how I felt, and I’ve had that experience with other guys, too (surprisingly, one of the most notable was another hockey player…), and I think we all have felt that way, where there’s not ever going to be someone as good as this certain person.

Specifically, I was concerned about attraction. I just thought he was the hottest guy ever at that time. I hope he reads this someday; it’d probably make him so uncomfortable haha. So what did I do? I tried consulting my trusted Christian resources. At this time, before falling in love with Desiring God, I was really into Lies Young Women Believe, which is another great resource designed especially for younger girls because my mom was into Revive Our Hearts. They had so many articles that helped me at the time—they even introduced me to Kylie Bisutti, someone who would become my next top role model under Kelsey and who I’ll be discussing in my upcoming vlog (!!!).

I searched on their site for articles about physical attraction, and there were several, but they basically weren’t what I wanted to hear and made me feel a lot of guilt and worse about my predicament. I’m not saying these were bad articles or that I disagreed with them. They talked about how God looks at the heart, obviously, and we need to be doing that more so than outward appearance in a mate, and I agree with that, but I think they kind of downplayed attraction as a whole. I remember specifically they encouraged girls to date a guy even if they weren’t attracted to them because they said their love for God or their character qualities might end up making them more attractive. I also think that isn’t a bad idea and can be true, but I didn’t like the idea of trying to make myself like someone I had zero attraction to. For one thing, even now, I wouldn’t want someone to date me just for my personality. Maybe I’m different than other women, but I don’t think any girl wants to be told they’re only being dated for their personality and not looks. I’d honestly be offended. Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want the opposite, either, but I’m saying there needs to be both. So I just felt really guilty, like I was being shallow and worldly, and I still couldn’t purge that desire of wanting someone *I* found attractive.

When I saw Kyle and Kelsey were going to publish a book, I knew I needed to buy it. I was really hoping they could shed some light on this. I knew about them years in advance because Karen wrote about them in a fictionalized context through her books, and they had their own site and YouTube at the time. I thought maybe they would talk about attraction, too, and I could see what they think. Well, it did not disappoint. No one’s going to advocate that you solely find a person based on looks or that you put that as more important, but I aprpeciated that they acknowledged it and didn’t act like it was a dirty thing. Right away, they said they had both been very attracted to each other, which once again gave me hope that it was possible to find someone godly and attractive, too.

For the most joy in life and in relationships to have the best, keep God first. Rely on Him, not relationships.

I said that putting God first is something emphasized throughout the book, and right off the bat, Kelsey and Kyle talk about how they were both at a stage in their life where they were chasing after God wholeheartedly (not perfectly, there’s a difference) AND content being single at the time. You know, that’s really funny, the irony in that last part, because I hear this alllll the time any more, how it’s always when people tend to finally let go of the idea of a relationship that it ends up happening. This even happened to my mom, who wasn’t as godly when she met my dad as she is now. They met at a bar in Okoboji, but even then, she said she was in a phase where she hated men, had been out of several bad relationships, and was sick of looking. Even my dad said despite being in that environment, he was looking for someone different, and they finally found each other. They actually have a sweet story, in the beginning, HA.

People are always telling me it happens when you least expect it, and I don’t really resent that because I know it’s true. I might resent the fact that I keep expecting it—it’s really hard not to—but something Kyle and Kelsey will go on to talk about is how we are bombarded with distractions, and that doesn’t help our case. Yeah, when you’re on social media all the time seeing who everyone is with, you’re setting yourself up for failure. It’s about focus: I don’t think you can EVER be focusing on God too much. I know I’m not doing a good enough job of that at all right now, and it shows. I resent the culture we live in for its emphasis on worldliness, materialism, and busyness. It’s not conducive to godliness and mental wellbeing at all, but we can choose Who to focus on. If the idea of focusing on God more drains you, then that’s exactly what you need to do. What actually drains you is all this other crap you keep chasing because we’re not meant to do that. Lay your burdens on Him and be in His Word more, pray more, journal more, and meditate on Him more. If you’re looking for something to fill the void, start there and keep going there. The other crap is chasing after the wind; you’ll never get a fulfilling relationship without God at the center. Work on that first; you might be surprised how quickly everything else falls into place after that.

Back when I was going to Salt, one of the guys preaching talked about how there was a time he decided to give up dating for a while and told God He just wanted to focus on his relationship with Him, and he was going on a trip to Israel in the following month. As you can imagine, he met his wife there. And that doesn’t always happen. God can see when we’re trying to be manipulative—oh my gosh, I did this all the time in high school where I’d cry and throw a tantrum just to see what He would do for me because there had been times where out of the blue, something would happen to encourage and surprise me. Problem is, you get addicted to that dopamine rush rather than trusting God Himself, and you start craving more and more of His “surprises” and “blessings,” and then even those aren’t enough. So you can’t just say you’re going to focus on Him as a trend or to hope that He actually gives you the person. No, you want to literally focus on Him where you’re not even thinking about finding the person. You want to focus on Him until you know He’s your reason for being and experiencing any goodness.

I just realized this two nights ago—I think it’s my first time ever admitting this to myself—but I think for the first time in my life, I’m thankful I’ve been completely single for as long as I have, and I don’t think I’m mature enough for a partner yet. I think I am such an emotionally-driven person, and I try to make decisions with my head but my heart has to be in something or I can’t do it. My heart can also be dangerous because I can very easily talk myself into a lot of things that aren’t good for me. I think when it comes to guys, I still feel vulnerable emotionally because I haven’t ever dated anyone, and that has rocked my self-esteem a lot, even though in recent years I feel like it’s finally getting healed. I think it is all too easy for me to still just want that attention, though. When guys have hit on me, I feel like I haven’t been as bold as I should have in turning them down; I feel like it’s easy for me to lead them on because I want the attention. I’m always walking around public places objectifying people, as horrible as that sounds—like I’m always thinking whether I’m attracted to someone or not, and if I am, then I fixate on them and want them to approach me and I get obsessive, and it’s exhausting.

I think I am too easily swayed by physical attraction right now, especially because I’ve never really had my crushes reciprocated, so if that actually happened, pretty much every guy I’ve ever liked I know hasn’t been all there in terms of godliness, and I think I would overlook a lot. I don’t think I would commit to them or settle, but I think I would waste their time and mine and probably lead them and myself on and be emotionally hurt in the long run. Plus, I think I still need to heal from some baggage I have growing up and all the crap I’ve heard of men doing and even what guys my age did to me with their neglect and rejection. That sounds pathetic, but it’s there, and I have a lot of resentment because of that. I don’t want to project that on anyone or try to expect repayment where a guy isn’t going to offer it. In other words, getting attention from them isn’t going to heal me from the pain of my past; it would probably just add to that. I know God knows when I’m ready, and I just don’t know if I trust myself to make good decisions yet. I think it’s ’cause I’m seriously always looking and expecting it—I’m always the one searching—and it needs to just happen naturally, where someone just comes into my life and they’re the one God has sent and that’s obvious. So that’s the advice I have for you, from my personal experience, and we’ll talk more about this, too.

And I’m genuinely not expecting to write this and then meet someone. I feel like it’s probably still going to take years for this to happen for me. I’m not saying that to be negative or to try and be God; I have no idea, but I’d be more surprised if it did happen sooner. And I’m okay with that ’cause I feel like I have enough crap pulling me away from Him right now that I’m not happy about, and I just need Him to give me clarity on this next stage of my life and help me get back on track with Him.

I think this needs to be everyone’s priority, too, because I’ve seen how when it’s not, poor relationships just consume people, and it’s so much drama and heartache. You guys, life is hard enough. Don’t make it more complicated than it has to be. I promise relationships don’t have to be so heart-wrenching. No, nothing good is ever easy—even the best relationships—but remember God’s desire is for peace and clarity in your life. If a relationship is taking you away from Him, don’t be in it. You’re not gonna miss out if you wait.

Journaling can be an amazing way to grow closer to Him if you don’t know where to start. That’s how I started from a young age: with prayers to Him. Some of my earliest entries from 2014 were about things to hold out for in a mate! When you journal, you can dump your thoughts and prayers, as messy as they are, and then you can track God’s healing growth and progress in your life. You can learn to think more critically about the thoughts and emotions you have rather than make decisions based on them, but it also lets you validate those emotions. This is something Kyle and Kelsey recommended that ultimately got me back into journaling, and I thank God I have; I don’t know what I’d do without my journals. It is absolutely amazing just from 2018 to now to see what God has done in my life and how He’s healed certain thought patterns. I will always have more to learn, but journaling is one of the best ways for me to make progress, and I thank God for having me do that.

You can think about your future spouse; the key is how you do it.

So, as I read more Christian blogs in middle school like in eighth grade—I found a lot of relationship posts through Pinterest—some were better than others. I remember coming across some posts that triggered me beyond belief because some people believe it is wrong to think about your future spouse at all or that you shouldn’t pray for them because they’re not a guarantee. I could probably go back and find these posts and agree with some of what they’re saying or understand where their points are coming from, but I don’t agree with that; I think you can take things too far. Nothing in life is ever a guarantee; that doesn’t mean you can’t pray about it. God says to cast all our anxieties on Him, which includes the desire for a mate (1 Peter 5:7). I think you’re actually setting yourself up for more failure if you don’t pray about the decision or desire for a spouse.

I think the reason they probably believed this way is because girls, in particular, can become very obsessive, and it can turn into something that is worldly rather than godly very easily, and similar to how guys can fantasize about doing things sexually with a girl, girls can fantasize romantically about guys doing things for them, and I can see where that can become toxic or unrealistic. But I don’t think it’s all bad; guys should expect their wives to be sexual and girls should expect their husbands to be romantic and vice versa—those aren’t bad desires. It gets tricky when you’re single, though, because it is a sin to lust after people, and I can see where they extend that logic to romantic fantasies, too. The bottom line is, you don’t want to be obsessive. When your hormones are raging, though, it’s really hard, which is why I actually started telling God my fantasies so that I could “release” them. I would just tell Him this is what I’m thinking about, this is what I’d like someday, please help me to surrender this to You and bring it about in Your timing. He already knows what you’re thinking and struggling with, so invite Him into this area of your life.

That also being said, some sort of wonder, I think, is natural and fine. I don’t know how you can not think or wonder about sex when you’re single. I’m not saying to indulge yourself or make that battle harder to fight by filling your mind with sexual things—trust me, I’ve been there; it doesn’t do you any favors—but I know I also experienced a TON of shame in this area, and both my mom and grandma were very reassuring about how some of that is natural. You’re still a sexual being even when you’re single; God made you that way. Again, please don’t hear me saying that you should indulge your sexuality when you’re single, but I am saying that you can accept that and look forward to it. We protect our sexuality not because it’s bad but because it is good, and we are saving it for the right context to be experienced at its best. And I think this is true for romance. It’s not necessarily sinful to wonder about how your spouse will look or act or what they’ll do. I just think you don’t want to get obsessed. I have literally been obsessed throughout my life with that stuff. I like how Kyle talked about how he always looked forward to meeting his wife, but it wasn’t thoughts of trying to figure it out and plan it; he was honest to God about how he looked forward to that and trusted Him to work it out.

There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be attractive, but give your anxieties in this area to God, too.

Spoiler alert: my first vlog coming out soon is going to be all about body image! It’s such a needed discussion especially for young people in this society. Kyle and Kelsey touched on it, too. Kelsey said she likes to be healthy and attractive and read things about fitness and fashion. That’s not bad in itself, but something I’m talking about in the vlog that she said, too, is how it shouldn’t be our all-consuming thought. If you’re struggling with that, I’m going to elaborate MUCH more on this in my vlog, but the bottom line is, God cares about those anxieties, too. Run to Him with them and keep putting Him first rather than the other way around. I know we’re talking about how it’s not bad to want attraction or be seen as attractive, but remember that it isn’t the most important. We shouldn’t be fixating on it more than we would our character and faith, and it is so sad because on social media, you can easily tell what most girls are dedicating their time to. I’m going to talk about this more in my vlog and how you can change your perspective, so stay tuned.

Social media can make this season harder than it needs to be. If it’s hurting you, get off of it.

This doesn’t have to be permanent, but seriously, social media isn’t really designed to make you feel good. It can really exacerbate the loneliness or perceived shortcomings you might feel in this season, and it gives you endless opportunities to compare. This is also something I’ll be discussing in the vlog on body image as it pertains to that, but don’t be afraid to detox from it for a while. I was inspired to unplug from social media in the summer of 2017 when I was rereading this book because they gave me the idea! I don’t even like social media anymore, if I’m being honest with you all. I feel like I’ll have to stay on it to an extent because I do want to share the Gospel and stay connected with all of you, but I think it does way more bad than it does good. If you want to know more about how unplugging could help you, you can read about my experience here.

Don’t compromise!

The world is always going to try and change who you are, tell you that your expectations are too high or values too strict or whatever it might be. Never compromise who you are in Christ or the values He wants you to have. Kyle talked about how big mistakes happen with a series of compromises, which I’m sure you’ve heard lots of people say. This is especially true in relationships. That’s why I don’t trust myself and why I really want to wait on God to make it clear who He wants me to date because I fear if I try to force something or if something comes along and I’m not really abiding in Him, I will take it just for the attention or to find out what it feels like to date someone. I’m not saying the first person I date has to be the one, but honestly, I wouldn’t mind if it could just be one and done, like I never date anyone until God puts the right guy in my life. I’m not holding out for that because obviously you sometimes have to date to figure things out, but we’ll see. I just want to be focused on Him and have whoever it might be brought to me by Him, which isn’t to say I don’t do my part in being social to an extent or living my life, but I reject the idea that you have to be the one pulling the strings.

Kyle and Kelsey were honest about mistakes they made, how they were in relationships they knew they didn’t want just to have someone and not feel lonely, and they talk about how they regret them for numerous reasons, but there is certainly grace here, too. You’re not powerful enough to ruin God’s plans for you—He can redeem anything. It’s just good to be aware of these things so you can save yourself from needless pain and consequences as much as possible.

Make a list of godly qualities for your future spouse to pray over.

Okay, this is another thing I have incredibly strong feelings about because a lot of Christians renounce this and find it wrong to make a “list” of qualities you want in a mate. I will say right off the bat: I don’t. In fact, I kinda get triggered when people say it’s wrong because certain experiences and observations have led me to believe in its importance. Kyle and Kelsey also believe it’s okay to make a list.

Now, there has always got to be an element of common sense with this stuff. I’m sure you can see where it can be wrong. If all you care about is marrying a billionaire, for example, and have a bunch of shallow, self-centered things on there, then yeah, I don’t think that’s biblical at all, BUT I think wanting a spouse that can work hard and make a living is a very good quality and expectation to have. I started my list by reading articles about biblical qualities. I do have some personal things on there, too, like some things I find attractive, but I know I can be somewhat flexible on that. Kelsey said having her list helped her pray for her husband even when she didn’t know who he was, and I think that’s so important, to be educating yourself NOW on what to look for rather than just whatever is convenient and available, and your prayers about their character can make a difference in their lives now in ways you might not ever know. It’s important to be intentional about this stuff. If you don’t have a plan, more than likely you’re going to make decisions based on emotions, and you’ve probably heard the saying that emotions are terrible guides.

My list is—okay, don’t laugh—four pages long. Yep, it is, and I couldn’t care less; I’m not shortening it. I already read it to my mom years ago, who tends to be a lot more practical, blunt, and realistic than me, and she told me it was perfect and not to settle. I honestly believe one of the biggest problems in the world right now is that people, and yes, I’m going to pick on poor women again, don’t expect enough out of people. We’ve been told our desires are unrealistic, and maybe some of the more shallow ones are, but never make that assumption with character. I honestly get offended when people tell me I’m too picky or say anything about my expectations being unrealistic; it tells me more about either the type of guy they are or about the type of guy a girl is willing to settle for. And to each their own; you get to decide what you’re willing to live with. I’d rather go to the grave alone than marry someone who doesn’t possess all the qualities on my list. I’m not kidding, either. I’ve seen way too many people settle and get hurt, and I think men know they can manipulate women to expect the bare minimum because women just want to be loved so badly most of the time, and I’m not falling for that crap. How might the world be different if every woman had a list of quality character expectations? Men would have to act better if they wanted to get married.

This shouldn’t just be for women, either. Men should have lists, too! I think the pendulum is starting to swing the other way, and I’m going to talk about this in my vlog, where with hookup culture and feminism and a lot of this toxic empowerment crap, women are losing a lot of their values, too, and men are aware of that, and even though they may act like that’s what they want, they don’t. I want and expect the man I desire to have the same sort of expectations for me and be looking for the same things I am. And I think that’s a good measure of your list, is to make sure you turn it back on yourself and ask if you possess the qualities and attributes you’re putting down. That keeps it from becoming self-centered or unrealistic. Ask God what He wants you to hold out for and then stick to that. Someday I want to share some of the things from my list—obviously not all four pages—but some of what I think are the most important qualities.

Also: Kelsey felt like her list was unrealistic during her lonely years. Don’t give up hope. I love how she said the world will think our lists are unrealistic, but they’re not to God. And I love how in a world where Christians bash on this concept, Kelsey literally point-blank says to keep adding to your list and never think it’s too long or too unrealistic. FOUR PAGES, BABY! I seriously need that, though. That is what will hold me accountable someday when I’m dating or else I seriously do fear I will go by emotions.

For the girls: don’t be appalled at the idea of having a guy lead. When he’s godly, you want it this way.

Okay, this can be a sensitive subject ’cause I’m sure we all know guys who aren’t godly and who can be self-centered, controlling, or toxic in other ways to the point where the word “submission” or even imagining a guy being the “leader” in your relationship makes your skin crawl. I can understand that, but this is also why it’s so important to have a list and know what you’re looking for, because the right godly guy is never going to lead you out of self-centeredness, control, or dominance. I still believe guys need to be the ones to pursue women and take MORE responsibility, not LESS. THAT’S what being a true leader is. Jesus models this in how He, of all people, being GOD, chose to serve rather than dominate! There is no excuse for a guy to do anything less. The right guy will lead you closer to God, purity, and the things that make you who you are, and he will take on responsibility to lead your relationship in a way that is honoring the Lord. That doesn’t mean you don’t participate or do things, but I think it is important for guys to lead the bigger milestones and initiate things first. Women are always doing the opposite in hopes we can manipulate men into liking us, and now society is telling us that is supposed to be empowering.

No, I don’t find it empowering to look desperate at all, thank you. There are two things people tell me with all this that trigger me beyond belief: the first is that I’m expecting too much, and the second is that I should make the first move if I like someone. It’s not going to happen. I’ve tried it three times with guys I went to school with; I can tell you that all three ended in humiliation and heartache. I’m sure that’s not everyone’s story; you always get those people that are like “well, it actually worked for me,” and more power to them, I guess. I think that’s the rule and not the exception, and especially when it comes to a godly setting, godly men do not want girls who seem desperate. I’ve talked to men who are older and more mature and they don’t like that. I think even guys my age don’t ultimately like that when it comes to the one, so don’t let anyone talk you into that.

I feel like I’ve compromised myself in a lot of ways because I’m always thinking it’s up to me to make a connection—I’ve followed guys I don’t know on Instagram and tried DM’ing them thoughtfully; it hasn’t gotten me anywhere—and even some of my friends have tried to get me to do things, and sometimes I cave out of peer pressure, but I’ve told God not to let me follow any guys again. I am so guilty of always trying to force something to work, and it hardly ever does. Plus, is that how you want it to happen? I want to trust God to work it out. The best things in my life have come that way. I do my part as needed, but I also surrender and let Him have the cards fall where they may. I’ve even thought about that, like what if I was successful in getting a guy to notice me because I followed him first or I DM’ed him—I think I would always be resentful of that, that I had to work so hard to make it happen.

I used to literally tell God for the love of God, why can’t You just throw me a bone and for once let a guy I randomly followed follow me back or respond to one of my messages? They’re nice; they’re not dirty like a lot of the cringey ones I know people send. It hasn’t happened, and I honestly think—and I’m just now realizing this—it’s because of that. Because God knows I would be short-cutting myself. I believe He really wants me to trust Him with this. I’m not trying to be delusional or expect something that is unrealistic, but I’ve even told Him, tell me if there’s something I need to be doing to bring this about, like join dating apps, for example, which I’ve tried and hated and also had no luck with (Tinder, Upward…I’ve tried several and I don’t recommend Tinder at all). And I’ve clearly felt like He’s telling me to wait. I just think people don’t want to wait anymore. Instagram feeds are being bombarded; time is ticking. Everyone wants to keep up. But if you want the best, you’ve got to be willing to sacrifice.

There are a lot of good secular quotes, even, about how when you’re the one pulling the strings in the relationship, it’s exhausting, and I think women are more prone to holding on and trying to make things work no matter what. What God has for you won’t pass you. Again, you’re not that powerful. I have SO many good quotes that talk about how God created a helper for Adam and not the other way around. That’s intentional. I do believe it’s hardwired into men to be the ones to pursue a girl, and I remember even smarting off to my friends about that when I was 12 and not afraid to speak my mind. I was always appalled when they tried to ask guys out; I was like no, LET THEM COME TO YOU. Make them work for it. Don’t you think you’re worth that?

Men have everything so easy right now. They’ve got porn at their fingertips; almost every girl and their mom posts slutty pictures of themselves publicly online that they can see; many girls are willing to sleep with guys right away; the same girls are also usually outgoing and flirty and throw themselves on guys—they don’t have to do anything anymore! I find it so outrageous how the feminists claiming all this crap is empowering are actually benefitting the people they despise most—the men! Who do you think is benefitting from your slutty pictures online? Why would another girl care to see them? People don’t even realize what they’re doing, and a lot of secular feminists have spoken out about this. None of it is godly; none of it is what a godly man wants. Again, you have to be willing to hold out for that. Don’t say you’re doing it because that’s what men expect or you’re enabling them. Be the difference. Make them work for you.

If you don’t want to take my word for it, Kyle reiterated all of this. He said it’s not cool for girls to be players and flirting all the time; that destroys relationships. He also said guys do want the chance to make the first moves and lead relationships. I think it’s a red flag if you’re with a guy who doesn’t want that. Do you want to be the one carrying the relationship and doing everything? Again, true leaders take more responsibility, not less.

I love how Kyle bluntly said it is stupid for girls to dumb themselves down. I’m going to talk about this in my vlog on body image, but I have felt so tempted over the years to talk about my faith less, be less passionate about my writing, and instead appear more superficial like all I care about is being hot and partying. Thank God I never went through with any of that. Yeah, you might attract attention in the short term, but Kyle is not shy in telling girls what guys really think about that; they will never value you that way. They will only be using you for themselves.

This also goes both ways. While you are single, girls should learn to respect guys. I sometimes feel like I haven’t done the best job at this because I think I’ve let a lot of hurt and resentment cloud my emotions, so it’s easy for me to “sound off” on them and rip them apart, but that doesn’t do any good. I have no problem calling something bad, but I think I have to be mindful of my own conduct and still carry myself in a respectful way. That’s even what I’ve thought when I’ve tried forcing things, is how hypocritical I’ve been by not trusting God’s plan or my list. This is an area I still want to work on.

Let’s talk about sex!

Kyle and Kelsey have a whole chapter in the book dedicated to sex being worth the wait in marriage. Don’t tune out if you’ve already had sex, though! They talk about God’s redemption, too, and it’s never too late to start cultivating a life of purity, which is something that never ends even when you are married. I love this topic and feel so passionately about it, and not just because I want to have it…this is an area that is so important and that is being thwarted so, so badly. I think there’s a gap for most Christian girls here that is potentially contributing to a lot of their worldliness and subsequent pain. I am so passionate about educating people on this because I seriously think by the grace of God, I was able to find some good websites that provided a wealth of resources on Christian sexuality and helped me understand things I otherwise wouldn’t have, and let me tell you, when you don’t understand the value of what you’re waiting for, you’re not going to wait for it. And most people don’t anymore, and that is a shame because casual sex does so much damage to people. You might not even realize it until years down the road, ’cause sure, it can be fun and gratifying; if it weren’t, no one would do it. But it has deep emotional repercussions that you can reap when you engage in it prematurely.

Kyle and Kelsey were both able to wait for their wedding night, which is great. I know they probably made mistakes before then, which they said without getting into specifics. This is something I just pray about for my future spouse and me, too, because I have struggled with sexual sin, and that just shows you don’t even have to be with someone to struggle with purity and that area. It is hard to stop doing something once you’ve opened a door. I’m not saying you can’t find redemption and walk back through that door, but once it’s open, you can’t shut it; you’ve been that far. That’s why a healthy understanding of biblical sexuality is key; otherwise, you’re going to end up in this cycle of self-indulgence followed by shame and it just compounds and isn’t good. It can create a lot of baggage, and God doesn’t want that for you because He wants the best for you.

It’s crucial to understand that God doesn’t ask us to wait for marriage to have sex as punishment or a test. He really is doing that out of love because stripped away from the context of marriage, it is too powerful; it will never just be a physical thing even if you think that’s what you’re having it for. Biologically, it doesn’t work that way. It has chemicals involved that tie the brain to your partner; that’s why the Bible says when you sleep with someone, you’ve entered into a sort of spiritual dimension with them (1 Corinthians 6:16). You might scoff and be like yeah right but seriously, you have—it’s biology. And again, that isn’t to say you can’t heal from that and recommit yourself to purity, but there are studies that even show repercussions of this. I’m not getting into them here because I’m going to write blog posts just on their own about sex, but you can definitely look them up.

Having sex in marriage honors God because He designed it. It’s actually supposed to be a beautiful metaphor for how He loves us, which is something that has helped me not idolize it because that is also very easy to do, where you start worshipping the created more than the Creator. You don’t need to feel as though sex is dirty, but understand it is designed for a special context. I’m going to write more about this and why you should wait and why sex is sacred and all this; I have absolutely tons of things saved on this topic because it matters to me a lot as I’ve been waiting for it. I’m also going to write about how you can fight things like lust and sexual temptation. The biggest thing to remember is to flee and not fight temptation because if you try to fight, you will lose. Don’t give any foothold to things that encourage your sexual sin.

This is where journaling is helpful; you can start identifying what triggers you and take steps to remove those triggers and set boundaries. This is also where having a guy who is willing to lead the relationship in purity matters a lot, but it goes for guys, too: if you have a partner who’s always trying to initiate sex, you don’t want to be in that relationship. It is hard enough when you have two people who love each other and want to wait for marriage and honor God; don’t make it any harder by being with someone who doesn’t value that and is going to pressure you because more than likely you’ll end up giving in.

I appreciated how Kyle and Kelsey said waiting didn’t make it awkward, either. I think that is another perception society has, that not having sex early will make things weird or bad. We’re taught that we need to experiment to learn and test compatibility, but that is not true at all. You can fumble around with tons of people physically and learn through trial and error, which in my opinion would be WAY more awkward, or you can read godly articles and biblical-based advice about healthy sexuality to form a comprehensive picture of how things work and how God designed sex and wait to figure that out in marriage with someone you love and trust, whose character is there, and that is what is the key to even being good in bed.

When I was younger, several of my friends and I both secretly hoped we would get a guy who had been with other women because we had bought into the misperception that if he had been, he would know what he was doing and therefore could teach us. But do you want to be with someone who has learned everything they know about sex from doing it with other people? Do you realize the implications that has? Now, you might marry someone who has been with other people before you, and I personally don’t hold that against a guy as long as he’s sincerely repentant, but I do understand that’s a personal choice people have to make. Even if you marry someone who has been with other people, you still have to learn together. I wouldn’t like the thought of a guy doing stuff to me that another girl liked and that’s why he thinks it works! You need to learn together about each other, and that’s why character—selflessness—is the most important thing, and you won’t ever experience that more than with someone you love and trust and have committed before God.

Here’s another thing I’ve learned about sex, some of this is good and some of it isn’t: I’ve learned things work better than you think. I used to spend all this time anxious that such-and-such wouldn’t function properly or how will I know certain things physically will happen…it’s a lot more intuitive than you think. You don’t need to practice beforehand. Just trust me on that. I’m saying this because I’ve done things I wish I hadn’t, which makes me feel a little awkward admitting, but I know we all have fallen short in this way, and I say this so that you don’t make some of the mistakes I did thinking you need to figure things out earlier than you do. I’m not trying to make anyone uncomfortable being honest like this; it just is what it is. The bottom line is don’t worry. Trust God for the best and it will be. You’re not missing out on anything. Society will make it seem like you are, but physical reactions fade pretty fast. Emotional wounds don’t. Remember that.

Let God write your romance story.

This is something to be cautious of even when reading stories like Kyle and Kelsey’s: don’t fall into the temptation to want a love story like someone else’s. They even wrote how your story won’t be like theirs because it is for YOU.

I went through some embarrassing emotional times when I was in high school that I’m going to share when I start my “From the Journal” series soon. I say embarrassing because I would just be so obsessive about things that were not rational and I can see that now, but bless my poor lonely heart back then, I was just going through it. Well, one of the things I went through was with some Karen Kingsbury books, actually (that’s Kelsey’s mom, in case you haven’t heard me make this connection before): she wrote this series about a Hollywood actor meeting a small town girl and picking her out of a crowd and then he has money so he can hire this private investigator to find out more about her, which I realize sounds very creepy in this context, but if you read the book, you’d get it, and I just wanted a man to put that much effort into me. At the time, there was this other hockey player I liked and saw at some games in Des Moines when his team was visiting, and since we sit so close, I had some moments with him that I still feel silly writing about because it’s just like oh jeez, but really, I did, and it was a personal thing, but I got so obsessive where I wanted him to figure out who I was and try to initiate a romantic relationship with me just like this book series. Yeah, nevermind that I was 16. Oh my gosh, you guys, some of the ways I used to think, I thank God He got me through it.

I just had all this anxiety, like I really wanted a love story that romantic and adventurous, so I was trying to figure it all out and be like this is how it could happen, and finally I realized I was trying too hard to write my own story. This gets tricky because what is my favorite thing to do? Write! I literally dream up characters and stories all the time, so it’s definitely easy for me to want to write my own, and I am still battling this. But the thing about God and His plans and surprises are that they are literally better than you think, so stop trying to think about them! Let Him surprise you. I know I have been delighted when He has—what happened with this hockey player was one of those instances, but I just took it too far. Even now, it’s easy to compare to how people met certain people and be like I want it to happen that way, or I want to get engaged like so and so, and on and on it goes. Just release all of that to God. He knows what you want more than you do. Learn to receive His love more than anyone else’s and claim His promises that He has great plans for you. Just let Him take care of them. He doesn’t need your help!

Ending Points

Your relationship with God is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. It should begin long before your marriage and last long after it.

I don’t want to tack this on at the end to be like and by the way, you need to love God more than anyone or anything. I feel like then people just treat Him like something to focus on while they wait, and that isn’t what He desires or has designed you for. You need to learn to love and worship Him before you invite a mate into your life. Obviously, that’s not everyone’s story. Many people don’t become saved until long after they’re married. That’s okay. You tend to find out when you get married that there’s more to life than marriage, anyway, and there should be. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you can’t have a wonderful marriage, but marriage can never take the place of God’s love in your life. If you’re new to my blog, I encourage you to stick around and read more of my posts about cultivating a relationship with Him. I’d link some, but I literally don’t know where to start. Just go where He leads you, and get into the Word and a Bible-believing church. It doesn’t come all at once. This, like any other relationship, will grow with you throughout your life, and God is ready to begin His work in you now. He has great plans for you and wants to help you live an abundant life in Him (John 10:10).

I think it is important to date to marry, which isn’t to say you can’t ever date without marrying a guy, but why prolong a relationship when you know it’s not going to result in marriage?

Kyle and Kelsey emphasized how you don’t want to be in the wrong relationship when the right person comes along. When you date someone, you may not know right away whether they’re the one, but I think as soon as you know you wouldn’t want to marry someone, you should end the relationship. Life is too short and relationships too precious to just play around with. Again, trust God to provide the best.

Okay…I hope I did a good enough job on this post. I was just trying to skim the surface of Kyle and Kelsey’s book and share the overarching themes that helped me. I’m certainly not trying to take away from the value of their story, so if you’re interested in any of these points, please read their book. It goes into so much more detail than I have, and they’re so encouraging. I am so passionate about this and have seen a lot of people get hurt without knowing these things, and I don’t want you to fall into these traps. All these topics could have their own posts, so please leave a comment letting me know if you have any questions, need further clarification, want to know my thoughts on similar topics, or if you want to start a discussion about this. I hope this can help encourage you.