There’s a concept I’ve struggled with honestly since my childhood, and it’s especially prevalent in the Christian community, even though you’d think otherwise. I’ll cut straight to the chase: it’s the fact that very few people want to be completely honest and vulnerable about and with their struggles. And this is seriously a worldwide problem that I’m sure has existed forever, but now we have fake media, which is not my name for news (although we all know that can be) but social media, since it isn’t teaching anyone to be social but rather how to fake socially.
I’ve noticed several disturbing trends in this, one is how the Christian community does attempt to make everyone feel as though they can be real and honest with their struggles, and I’m sure some communities do a better job than others, but I notice people still tiptoe around them. I think the problem is very much internal, too, and not just based on the messages society sends because I do think people are finally starting to wake up and realize we have to start getting real with each other; fake life isn’t sustainable. But people have all sorts of reasons for why they may feel like they can’t, myself included. And that can be part of the problem, too. If everyone feels as though they can’t share their struggles, then people won’t, and it creates this environment where most people pretend, even if that isn’t expected.
The other problem is that society’s definition and perspective on what constitutes authenticity is about as skewed as love. Authenticity has become a buzz word in the past few years, and so has the phrase “keeping it real.” It doesn’t take much to be considered real anymore, even when nothing could be further from the truth. I saw something about this TikTok influencer—that term makes my skin crawl, by the way, but I’m only using it so you know what I’m talking about—who has the typical plastic look and really a pretty plastic platform, based primarily on fashion and partying. Yet people praised her for how “real” she is compared to other “TikTok influencers,” just because she was open about having a breast augmentation.
I suppose at least she was honest about that because a lot of people wouldn’t be, but the point is that we’re so used to the exterior masks that we really don’t even know how to be real anymore, and I’ve been disappointed by how the Christian community can sometimes contribute to this.
Before going any further, I don’t want to unnecessarily bash on the Christian community, but I do want to raise awareness of some things I’ve noticed, even as a little kid, that have really motivated me to be different, especially here on this blog. There are a lot of Christian writers, authors, and bloggers; what has always motivated me to be different and to commit to sharing my voice are my observations around this.
There’re two things I want to focus on and one in particular. The first thing was something I heard or read about a Christian story that was being adapted into a movie—I’m pretty sure it was Redeeming Love, which would make sense, but I don’t exactly remember off the top of my head—and they said they had to be careful with it because they didn’t want to make it “too heavy.”
I have to admit, I was disappointed hearing that. Let’s just say it was Redeeming Love because I’m pretty sure it was. I first want to acknowledge that I can understand it to a point. That story had some incredibly dark things going on throughout it, so just from a practical standpoint, when you’re making a movie or anything of the sort, you may be apprehensive about how much of that you can include, just because some of the realities in the world are very ugly and sinister, and we know that. Plus, when you’re looking at stories and the like, there is the fact that it’s still considered entertainment—so how much do you include without “turning people off”?
So again, I get it to a point, but I’ve noticed a bigger issue that comes out of this. If you work on making the hard things, or God Himself, more “palatable” for people, you’re going to eventually get further from the truth.
Let’s get to the trend that bothers me the most. The bulk of Christian fiction tends to rely on this, too, and I wonder if you’ve ever noticed it or had a problem with it like I have. Many Christian movies and books really rely on God’s miracles to wrap everything up. Worse, they use them to “prove” and show His existence and goodness.
I realize you might be thinking jeez Ashlee, why do you have a problem with that? I’m not trying to be a pessimistic critic; God does know He’s given me many little miracles throughout my life. However, I’ve also been around a decent amount of time, and I learned even as a child, sometimes He does not provide you with a huge mystery check in the mail when you really need it. Sometimes, no matter how much praying you do, a loved one dies and does not find healing. Sometimes, you pray and pray for someone’s salvation, and they still don’t accept Him. Sometimes you go years wondering if He’s ever heard you or if religion is just something you’ve created in your mind.
I’m not trying to blaspheme; we all know this is the truth. We’ve lived situations like these one way or another. We know God is not a genie, but when we’re led to believe that His showy miracles always show up just when you need them to save the day and it doesn’t feel like that’s happening for you, there’s some real cognitive dissonance that takes place. At best, you realize He works in other ways, too, and that the absence of those things doesn’t mean He’s against you, but at worst, you can really get disillusioned, heartbroken, and lose faith as a whole.
I’ve been somewhere in between. The problem I have is that most of us know what it’s like to struggle in our faith with doubts—and not all of us have experienced a life-altering miracle to blow our doubts out of the water. Probably most of us have not had that experience. So why do Christian stories and media try to paint that picture?
In me saying all this, I’m not denying the existence of God’s miracles or His ability to do them. He’s just as capable of delivering total healing, life-altering miracles, and unbelievable encouragement as He ever was.
But I’m saying that doesn’t always happen. I will be completely honest in saying that for me, personally, most of the time that hasn’t happened. Everyone has different experiences and I won’t try to speak to them or deny His miraculous power in other people’s lives unless what they’re saying isn’t biblical, but I’m saying I remember as a kid and growing up waiting for life-changing financial provision that didn’t come, relational healing and salvation that didn’t come, godly friends that didn’t come, fulfillment of dreams that didn’t come, etc.
Did that get depressing real quick? It sounds like it did, but I’m not upset about it anymore. I fought with God and pouted about it MANY TIMES over the years. Ohhh yeah. But I never abandoned Him. I couldn’t. Because He taught me that life and His work is not always about that. In expecting the showy, the “storybook endings,” I overlooked so much of what He’d already given me and ways He was working and would continue to work for me in ways I couldn’t even see. I’ve seen more of His faithfulness with time and perspective, and time has brought more and more of those little miracles to me.
But there are a lot of realities hard to understand that He allows and will always allow until the new world, and I do Him a disservice to not be honest about His sovereignty in those. Yes, a disservice, because many Christians have painted a picture of Him as being a constant miracle-working, Hallmark-ending-giver, like He’s only good and proven real through that. It discounts the ways He works through and is present even in the worst conditions imaginable.
We have to be honest about that. Not every person grows up in an idyllic Christian household, and not every person in their family converts once they do. A lot of people have stories where that happens; a lot of people don’t.
Not every person is born with a silver spoon in their mouth. Not every person is connected with just the right wealthy person willing to provide all the money they need at just the right time. Plenty of people do experience that; a lot of people don’t.
Some people live in homes of abuse. Some people live with trauma. Some people don’t have anyone. Some people are trapped in cycles of poverty. Some people are oppressed by their government and the people who are supposed to protect them. Some people are hungry. It goes on and on…and some people don’t receive the miracles that would solve these problems. Do you think they want to keep hearing about all His miracles that He won’t do for them? That can make people feel like they don’t have His favor, that He doesn’t love them.
That’s a lot to grapple with, and I’m not attempting to provide easy answers for these things. What I can say is that my journey and mission in writing has been to prove God’s existence and goodness in spite of all these things, not by blowing them over or acting as though every problem ends with a miracle we love.
I want to tell the stories no one else will. From my own life. From the pain I know others feel. About the world and its brokenness at large. God can and absolutely does work miracles. But we miss a lot about how He works and His goodness if we only focus on the miracles that make for happy endings.
Isn’t it sad we don’t talk about these things, even as Christians, when most of us know we face really tough things with no easy answers? Most Christians will admit having faith isn’t easy. So why aren’t we probing that further? Why do we resort to only relying on these huge miracles to prove He’s good? Most of us will admit we get confused as to why it seems like life is still so difficult, even with Him. Yet we paint pictures of life always being filled with these grand gestures of life-altering decisions He provides for us.
Again, in me saying this, I’m NOT denying that He is good, works miracles, or provides constantly. He does, but I think most people don’t even notice because we’ve been trained to only view His power through the healings, the prosperity, the endings that make us happy.
The fact is, He never promised us a life of miracles. He promised trials, and He promised His presence and victory in the end. But there’s a lot to deal with between now and then.
So let’s get real about it. Let’s start talking about how people discover His presence without His prosperity converting them. Let’s start talking about trusting He’s there even when He’s silent. Let’s start talking about the very real emotional pain life can be and how many times, it seems, our end with Him would be best now. Let’s start talking about the things that don’t make pretty stories.
Here’s the truth: I got hurt by Christian movies and fiction as a kid. Yes, fiction is fiction; call me a fool for expecting real life to imitate it. But fiction is supposed to be rooted in real life. I read books as a kid to escape the very real pain I often felt. What I needed wasn’t a picture of someone getting their every need and desire met in a miraculous way by God.
Because here’s the other ugly truth: I’m a jealous person. I always have been. And I don’t like feeling left out by the goodness other people are experiencing. If you tell me God worked a miracle in your life, I’m going to wonder why He didn’t in mine. I’m going to take it personally; I’m going to feel like I did something wrong. And when I get to the end of myself, I’m going to be angry at Him, and I’m going to be resentful. Why did I not receive a miracle when someone else did?
As I grew older, I grew impatient. And unfortunately, I grew cynical. My high school years were hard because of more than just the loneliness from peers I felt. It was hard because I was constantly fighting an internal war with Him. Do you know how it feels to fight with your Creator, the Person who says He loves you more than anyone? Do you know how it feels to think He doesn’t love you as much as others, to doubt His goodness and sovereignty in your life? I bet a lot of you do, and maybe you’re not ready to admit some of those feelings lingering under the surface yet. It’s exhausting, and for a long time, I wasn’t ready to question Him on anything, either.
But you know what? I’m glad that I finally learned what it’s like to fight with Him. I’m glad I learned He’s faithful, patient, kind, and loving even through that. I’m so thankful He allows us to come to Him completely honestly. I would never have reached the breakthroughs in my faith I have now without those seasons of struggle, doubt, and despair. Life isn’t easy, and I promise to always be honest about that. Having faith is certainly not easy, and I promise to be transparent about that.
And if you’re wondering, after reading this, what is the point of having faith if it’s this hard, then I’d like to make that very clear: without Him, there is no hope. Without Him, you are left only hoping that the right people, solutions, and fate come your way. And I promise they won’t always.
Only He provides deliverance through the worst. Only He provides hope no matter what; only He knows what it’s like to be completely broken, rejected, forsaken, and wanting. Only He can fully understand and empathize with and help you.
It’s not a psychological fairytale we’re implementing here. Trust me, like C.S. Lewis said, if it were, it could be a lot easier and it’s not. True, lasting faith has to stand through even the worse circumstances, and it does. It does because He came down and endured them Himself and secured victory not only for Himself, but all of us. And I think one of the reasons, from what I’ve studied, that He often doesn’t perform the miracles Jesus did while on earth, is because we have the greatest gift. We have Him. All that relationships, food, money, romance, happiness, etc. do is buy you some time on earth. They don’t solve the greatest problems of your heart.
Here’s another depressing question I’ve given a lot of thought to over the past few years: what good is it to have everything in the world but nothing to live for? I think it’s a question everyone has to think about at some point.
That’s the scariest thing for me to imagine right now. To have everything except any will to live. Sometimes, even with Him, it can still be hard to find the strength to live now, and I know a lot of Christians would be terrified to admit that. Because we don’t want to burden anyone or make it seem as though we have actual problems or come to terms with the very real struggle life can be, even when we might feel as though it shouldn’t. That’s why one of the books I’m excited to read and learn through is actually titled I Love Jesus But I Want to Die, and it’s about coming to terms with depression as a Christian because Christians DO experience it.
And you can take comfort in the fact that many of His devoted followers asked those questions and wondered what their point in being alive was. David, Jeremiah, Job…
Life is hard. Everyone is broken because of something—many somethings, including the “best” Christians. But there really is hope. The more you learn about Him, the more you find that.
And for the record, I’m not against every happy movie ever made. As I’m working on this, my family is watching Top Gun: Maverick, which I love, even though it’s full of total miracles that result in a very predictable ending. It’s not sinful to have some feel-good entertainment like that; my problem is just when it’s being used as a chronic escape from reality, it ignores painful truths that need addressing. And I have a big problem with God being used as that feel-good “tool” in stories when He’s so much more than that.
I felt broken, at times, as a kid, and still can. I write to help myself heal and find truth and hope in Him, and then to share that with others. So I hope here on this blog, you can get a taste of that. That you’re not alone, that there is hope and love from Him no matter what. If there’s ever a topic you want me to address that you’re struggling with or feel alone with and don’t know how to make sense of, let me know. If I don’t know much, I’ll research it. One of the ways my faith has grown the most is through analyzing other people’s doubts, rants, and complaints against Him—and then looking at how He still stands. That’s how you develop true faith—not with easy answers or what people want to hear, or through avoiding the nitty-gritty and deep, challenging aspects of life.
That’s why I feel an obligation to share these stories, including my own difficult stories and doubts. I plan to start writing more posts where I trace back through all the times and seasons I’ve missed with my absence on this blog and dive in much deeper about my thoughts, struggles, and doubts, which I’ve recorded in all my journals over the years, and how God has grown me through it all. We have to tell the stories no one wants to in order to find healing and the ultimate hope.
