This is a hard post for me to write but one that has been in my queue since I was 13. I also wanted to title it “Yeah, I’m Judging You” at the time but I think the title I have now is more fitting. Why is this hard to write? Because this is a bit of a tricky subject to explain, especially in a culture that is so hostile to the truth about judging (roll the credits). It’s also hard because there is a delicate balance, and we’re all guilty of falling under two extremes.

Basically, there are two problems that can arise around judging: judging too much or judging too little. We’ve all been guilty of both at some point or another. When you judge too much, you’re essentially being a jerk and a hypocrite because you’re maximizing the perceived wrongdoing of another so much that you minimize your own, and no one likes to see that. It’s elevating yourself so much where you forget to be humble, knowing that you’ve made plenty of mistakes on your own.

What do I think is one of the most misquoted Bible verses that everyone seems to know despite not being a Christian? “Do not judge, or you too will be judged” (Matthew 7:1). That’s very straightforward, yes? And that’s when people fold their hands in their laps and say there, case closed. If you judge, you sin.

But as you should’ve learned in every English class, context is very important when you read something. Matthew 7:1 is not the end of the story. Here’s 7:2, “For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.” Then comes 7:3, “‘Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” And 7:4 shows the root of the problem: “‘How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?'” And don’t forget 7:5, “‘You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.'”

So that makes it clear it’s not JUST “do not judge,” the end. It’s “get your own crap together, then you can help others see their errors.” But it’s really easy to forget about yourself when judging others. There’s a quote I saw one time that said we often judge others’ actions while judging our motives, and that hit me square between the eyes. It’s very important to reflect on oneself before confronting another. In other words, practice what you preach. Nobody is perfect, but actively pray and work on the things you struggle with so that you can help others with their struggles.

This brings me to another similar passage where people might insist nobody has the right to judge anyone, ever. It’s another verse I see come up a lot, and it’s important to address. The Pharisees, who were kings of being hypocrites and judging others for everything down to the minute details while remaining ignorant to the blatant evil they harbored themselves, were trying to trap Jesus by getting him to condemn a woman caught in the act of adultery. You can read this in John 8; I’m not going to insert all of it because that would get long. The verse is, “‘He who is without sin be the first to cast a stone at her.'” This is a very important passage to make note of, but there is also an important distinction. It’s talking about condemnation, which is a little different than judging on a moral level. This also continues with a verse most people don’t know or overlook: “‘…neither do I condemn you,’ Jesus declared. ‘Go now and leave your life of sin,'” (John 8:11, emphasis mine). That is, when Jesus forgives, He pardons, but not just to wipe away sin for the heck of it—to take away its power and hold over us so we can be free to live holy lives (1 Thessalonians 4:7). That’s the whole point of Him dying for our sins.

The First Problem: Harsh and Hypocritical Judgment

I just call this being a jerk, and we’ve all encountered people like this. Unfortunately, these tend to be those “Christians” you heard about being especially prevalent in generations past, like parents who wouldn’t forgive their daughters for getting pregnant and the like. It’s really easy to look at this and think of people we know who are like this but also not be aware that WE can be like this. And that’s the whole problem! It’s exaggerating others’ faults without seeing our own. And even though Christians are supposed to be some of the most loving, forgiving people, it’s still really easy to fall into this trap. When I’m done outlining this, I’ll tell you why I’ve struggled with this at times and a verse I remember to combat it.

It’s just human {sinful} nature to want to blame others for things because it’s how we attempt to make ourselves feel better about our own shortcomings, for one thing. Right from the original sin, Adam blamed his wife for giving him the forbidden fruit he still ate (Genesis 3:12). But sometimes someone has done something wrong, and they do need to be aware of it. The thing is, though, if you want to have any sort of authority, you have to first get the plank out of your own eye like I quoted earlier.

This can be tricky, too, because you might think you’ve never done the specific sin someone else has, BUT are there other sins you’re harboring that you’re overlooking or minimizing? Are there past sins God has forgiven you of that you’re not remaining humble about, recognizing you’ve fallen short in the past, too? Neither of these things means you have to dismiss what someone has done, as we’ll talk about next, but it is important and healthy to have an accurate view of yourself first before getting in to someone else’s wrongdoing. If you want to hold others accountable for things, you have to hold yourself just as accountable—and actually probably more so. That’s why good leaders take on more responsibility, not less. You gain people’s trust and following by walking through the fire with them, not making them walk through the fire for you. This is what Jesus did in coming to earth as a human being (Hebrews 2:17)!

Remember, how you judge others is how God will judge you (Matthew 7:2). The easiest way you can go about things is, before doing anything rash, ask God to open your eyes about sin you need to address in your own life or areas you need to remain humble about because of His forgiveness for you. And it’s worth mentioning that even if you’re in a position to judge someone and still have examined yourself, you should never handle yourself with self-righteousness. For one thing, nobody will respond to that; for the other thing, our lives have to be marked with humility regardless because we’ve been forgiven at all.

Have compassion with your judgment

I do appreciate people who acknowledge wrong as wrong. We don’t have enough of that in this world right now, especially from a lot of professing believers. The key, as I said earlier, isn’t to cease judging altogether. Rather, we need to make sure we’re being compassionate even when we have to judge. The two don’t have to be an oxymoron. Good leaders and healthy people confront when there is an issue, and they also possess the empathy to do so in a way that doesn’t reduce anyone’s dignity as a person. I think Micah 6:8 sums this up nicely: “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” This carries all these points home: we need to act with justice, such as confronting wrong, but also love mercy, so not just carrying out judgment to relish in it and lord it over someone, and remain humble with God, knowing our own sins were and are great and it’s only by His grace that we’re even aware of what is good and right.

You can be angry but don’t sin

One of the huge, often underlying “hidden rules” of Christianity that isn’t even biblical is that you can never be angry about anything. People, I think, mostly mean well when they encourage you to think positively or graciously about people—that isn’t a bad thing to do—BUT there are things that should NOT be swept under the rug. There are things that must be addressed, and there are things that can and should make a sensible person angry. I think the reason Christians play down this emotion so much is because people sin so much when they’re angry. It’s an emotion that can easily lead people to lose their tempers and their self-control, and it’s important to recognize that while it’s okay and often good at times to be angry, everyone is still responsible for what they do with that emotion.

The reason I know all of this is because we look to Jesus as our example, as well as the Father, and both were very angry numerous times. You could even say throughout the whole Bible God was angry—and why wouldn’t He be? Humans never stop sinning! But even God, magnificent in ALL power and who has more of a right to be angry than all of us combined, never acts out of control. Even in the Old Testament, when He strikes down thousands of people at once and punishes Israel, for instance, it’s always controlled. He knows in advance what He’s going to do, He warns people more times than they ever deserve of what will happen if they do certain things, and even when He finally does act, it’s never beyond what He said, and He can reign it in should there be the smallest sign of repentance. I could quote so many places to show you this; I recommend reading Chronicles and any of the books before then to see for yourself.

Then, of course, you have the time Jesus flipped the tables on the money changers in Matthew 21:12-13, which originally did seem out of control to me, but it wasn’t, since those people were literally in the act of selling things where they were taking advantage of people, so that was the fitting response to put an end to that. When Peter rashly cut off the ear of the guard who was arresting Jesus, He rebuked him for that in Matthew 26:52. This is why you’ll notice how when people joke about being struck down by lightning, it never happens. Jesus was never violent towards anyone during His time on earth. That isn’t to say He couldn’t have been or would have been wrong if He were—there is a time where He will—but the point is, we are not the ones who should be losing our heads. We are to be patient, compassionate, and slow to anger (James 1:19).

The root of it all is grief—sin causes grief

When you examine anger, it’s usually a cover-up for something else—fear, sadness, etc. This is definitely true when it comes to sin. Why do we get angry when other people sin against us or sin in general, or with ourselves for our own sin? Because sin isn’t how things are supposed to be, and our consciences are seared with that knowing, whether we realize it or not. Sin destroys, and that’s why we get angry. But at the heart of it all, we know it doesn’t have to be this way, and that’s the most heartbreaking reality of all. That’s why Jesus cried over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41-42). Most of all, we know that sin grieves God (Psalm 78:40; Isaiah 63:10; Ephesians 4:30). It grieves God and us because it leads to death (Romans 6:23) and separates us from Him (Isaiah 59:2).

The Other Problem: No Judgment At All and Total Acceptance

This is the huge cultural wave that has been creeping its way into our faith. Don’t condemn any behaviors or any person; if you love someone, you accept them (and everything they do) completely. To expect someone to change and grow is unloving. I can’t stand this rhetoric. It’s so false but also so, so incredibly damaging, and it makes my blood boil when I hear any professing Christian peddle this as if it’s biblical.

Let’s keep something in mind from the first point: what did we *briefly* establish that sin does? Well, broadly, it leads to death and separation from Him. But there are a million other things it does within that. It’s destructive, and it separates us not only from Him but each other. This is not something you want to be “tolerating” and, contrary to belief, you don’t have to be the hateful jerk mentioned above if you take a stand against it.

We have to first begin again with self-examination so we don’t get hypocritical with this. Look at your own sins. Make your excuses if you must, but then realize that you can have those excuses, but no amount of excuses will ever cancel out the wrongdoing. Sometimes when I’m repenting of sin to God, I do express my frustration by listing “excuses” or reasons why I believe I keep doing something wrong. I don’t do it hoping He’ll pardon me because of that (we are pardoned by His grace alone), but it helps me at least understand my triggers and what leads me to sin in hopes that I can change patterns in my life so the temptation isn’t there as much.

But this is the big problem anymore. People don’t want to introspectively reflect on themselves, but if you profess to be a Christian, it’s a must. Everyone needs to actually think about the genuity of their faith, which is wrapped up in conduct (James 2:26). 2 Corinthians 13:5 says we are to examine ourselves to see if we are in the faith. How do you do that? 1 John has many little “tests,” or signs, that you can look for to examine if they’re present with your faith.

Ultimately, don’t make excuses for sin in any way, shape, or form. Learn to separate actions, choices, and behavior from a human being themself. You can “love the sinner, hate the sin.” We’re in a unique time now where people are demanding complete acceptance for their sin, wanting to make it their “identity,” but that’s an incredibly toxic thing to do, just another form of manipulation. Don’t fall for any sort of lie that says if you love someone, you would condone what they do. True love looks out for someone’s greatest good—not their “happiness.” That’s a misconception we have about God and consequently for each other. Learn that happiness is a feeling and mindset. It is not rooted in any one thing. You can grow, change, and train yourself to be happy. To believe that happiness is rooted in sin is one of the most imprisoning lies of the devil.

We are called to have radical obedience to Him, and we are NOT supposed to look like the world. I like to call the modern day Christians around me “American Christians,” and that’s not meant as a compliment in any way. It’s not this country I’m against but our culture, and that’s the problem with American Christians—they shape their faith around culture versus the other way around. Is the culture your god? Evidently so, if that’s what you’re doing. You worship and obey God, not culture. Let me share some important verses that show this:

Through him we received grace and apostleship to call all the Gentiles to the obedience that comes from faith for his name’s sake.

Romans 1:5

You are my friends if you do what I command.

John 15:14

He replied, ‘Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.’

Luke 11:28

As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance.

1 Peter 1:14

Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world—the desires of the flesh and the desires of the eyes and pride in possessions—is not from the Father but is from the world. And the world is passing away along with its desires, but whoever does the will of God abides forever.

1 John 2:15-17

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

Romans 12:2

You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

James 4:4

See to it that no one takes you captive by philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the world, and not according to Christ.

Colossians 2:8

There are tons of verses like these, but I’m sure you get the idea. The bottom line is, we are called to obedience to Him. There is no excuse for sin, but it is heartbreaking seeing someone you love or yourself getting ensnared by it. It doesn’t mean you have to write them off forever, though. We are also called to radical love and forgiveness, along with healthy boundaries. We should be the first people to extend grace because it was Jesus who modeled this extraordinary love, the only one with power to condemn and didn’t. Pray for people’s salvation and growth. Pray specifically for their struggles, and pray for boldness and wisdom as you are moved to lovingly confront someone.

This is a really good guiding verse here: “Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted” (Galatians 6:1 ESV). This is another one: “As for those who persist in sin, rebuke them in the presence of all, so that the rest may stand in fear” (1 Timothy 5:20). And, “‘If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother'” (Matthew 18:15 ESV) and “‘Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him…'” (Luke 17:3 ESV). Lastly, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working” (James 5:16 ESV).

Be a light

Lastly, we are called to be a light. What you can’t win over with words, you may be able to demonstrate with your life as a whole. That’s why I write and do any of this. I need to get better at being more confrontational as needed in my own life, but I always try to make sure my life is at least modeling the values and virtues I believe in. This is the Great Commission, that we go and make disciples of others, and Jesus also told us to be the light of the world and salt of the earth.

‘In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.’

Matthew 5:16 NIV

‘You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.’

Matthew 5:13 NIV

It’s also important to note that you can model your love and righteousness all the time, no matter what, but sometimes, when dealing with people head on, you have to have boundaries. There are people who are only looking for affirmation of their sins and who arrogantly reject Jesus, no matter what you say or do. You can pray for them from a distance behind boundaries, but note that Jesus does not call you to keep giving to people like that until you’re blue in the face. This is why He talks about not throwing your pearls to pigs:

‘Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.’

Matthew 7:6 NIV

Sometimes you can—and should—shake the dust off your feet. There are people who need and want the salvation Jesus offers; don’t waste your time on people who have been offered and are slamming the door on Him and you.

‘If anyone will not welcome you or listen to your words, leave that home or town and shake the dust off your feet.’

Matthew 10:14 NIV

Jesus doesn’t beg people like a puppy, like He’s oftentimes portrayed in this culture, and that’s why sometimes when you see Him in action in the Gospels, He can sound harsh, even. But that’s called boundaries. He is more than willing to let anyone who wants to come, but He will not hound people who don’t. Everyone has free will, no one is a slave to their sins if they don’t want to be, so it’s important to recognize that and not get sucked in to having no boundaries in the name of love or evangelizing because that’s not what either of those do.

How to Handle Someone Being a Jerk

Lastly, let’s spend some time thinking about how to address people who fall on both sides of the pendulum. When someone is being too harsh, it’s important to remind them of the situation as a whole and how we’re called to respond in accordance with God’s love and grace. If someone isn’t a believer, obviously they don’t care about this, but psychology backs up what God has been saying all along. If you want to be good in leadership, you have to possess all those traits—empathy, patience, etc. You won’t get anywhere with people by screaming at them or belittling them. You may not get anywhere with them regardless of what you do, but nobody ever repents sincerely by being condemned.

Second, you need to remind someone of their own sin nature, but there is a note of caution here. I’ve noticed how sometimes that can be used as a diversion from confrontation when confrontation is actually needed—such as, you might say to someone, well, you have no right to go after this person because of everything you’ve done, and that’s dysfunctional and not what I’m talking about. The approach I would take if someone is coming off too strong is this (for a legitimate issue, some people do nitpick and make a problem where there is none): I see why you’re frustrated about this behavior and I agree something needs to be done, but it’s important to remember to do so in a way that honors God and the grace He’s given you. Basically, tell someone that they can address sin in a way that doesn’t degrade someone as a person. I also realize we live in a world where what validates someone as a human is now becoming very political and absurd, and it all goes back to people not wanting to change from their sinful ways at all, and I’m not talking about that either. I’m talking about discussing things in a way that is respectful, understanding, and firm, and again, some people don’t want that or still get offended. You can shake the dust off your feet then.

Here are some other verses as guidelines and on forgiveness and grace (I also have a post on loving people here):

Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Ephesians 4:29 ESV

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.

Proverbs 15:1 ESV

And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

2 Timothy 2:24-26 ESV

Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

Colossians 3:13 ESV

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

Ephesians 4:32 ESV

How to Handle Someone Too Tolerant

Now we have the other side, and this is similar but in reverse: remind someone of the consequences of sin if they refuse to call it that. What Jesus endured was horrible, so don’t ever dismiss something as being trivial or silly. People want to mock us for taking Him so seriously, when you could never take it seriously enough. This is where a proper understanding of boundaries is essential (read the popular book named for it, it’s life-changing); if someone is reluctant to confront sin because they don’t want to lose someone, tell them they will if they don’t. Sin destroys people. To think it’s just a matter of preference or living one’s life is a delusion.

Lastly, remind them of God’s take on sin. People who sin do not enter heaven unless through faith in Jesus Christ, which produces genuine repentance. His call on our lives to be bold in declaring that is also undeniable. Remember that if you’re worried about being mean, you probably never will be because that’s not your temperament. That being said, if someone gets upset, it’s basic boundaries to learn that you’re not responsible for their reactions. Here are some verses on all this:

Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold.

2 Corinthians 3:12

‘Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.’

Joshua 1:9 ESV

For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.

2 Timothy 1:6-7 ESV

Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them.

Ephesians 5:11 ESV

Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Galatians 5:19-21 ESV

For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 6:23 ESV

You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.

James 4:4 ESV

‘But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.’

John 14:26 ESV

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?

Romans 8:31

‘And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.’

Matthew 19:29 NIV

Common Quotes to Address

In summary, I want to also rebuke some quotes that have led to so much confusion and delusion. They are very popular in the American Christian world and probably elsewhere, too, but we’re a very prideful culture that takes pleasure in living our lives however we want without consequences, so this crap needs to be debunked. The biggest one I don’t like is, “Don’t judge someone just because they sin differently than you.” From the moment I heard this many years ago, it didn’t sit right with me. Later on, I thought well, that is probably true; it is easy to look down on others for what you don’t personally struggle with. And if that’s all it’s saying, then fine, but I think the problem, for me, that I figured out is it’s in effect reducing you to zero by saying you sin, and your sins are different from others, but nonetheless you have no right to judge. With that mentality, evil never gets addressed. We have to be sensitive to the struggles of others but nonetheless bold. It is not a sin to judge but to judge without compassion and, consequently, with hypocrisy.

The other ones I see—I can’t possibly list all of them—have a lot to do with not judging someone based on circumstances, and that may be true to a point, but OH my gosh, so many of them are doing the enabling victim mindset, and if there is anything I’ve learned from psychology, it is that you HAVE to kill that mindset. It does you or no one any good to throw a pity party for yourself and think about how hard life is. Honestly, so much of this judging and how we either judge or don’t judge is all traced back to psychological concepts with boundaries, enabling, etc. Don’t enable people! Don’t enable yourself, and don’t enable others. You can be set free. That’s what our faith and hope are all about! That’s what judging is about—not to condemn people but to set them free from sin to make a better, more just and righteous world for all of us. The opposite of judging isn’t loving; it’s enabling. You can accept people without enabling (“accepting”) their sin. That’s why when culture pushes things like true love doesn’t require people to change or true love just wants people to be happy, I cringe. That’s not true. True love sets you free from bondage and evil and wants the best possible for someone, even if someone is too misguided to see it.

I hope this post can help shed some light on this. There is so much to tackle and I hope I’ve at least given you a decent start to understanding this.