We have finally made it to the final post recapping some of the major things I wish I would have learned and taken to heart sooner in high school, with this post specifically focusing on the things I wish I would have known about senior year. You can read parts one and two here and here, and even though these posts are all TOO LONG, they are far from comprehensive. There’s always truths that would have made my life easier if I had just accepted them sooner, but obviously it took me enduring what I did and having God do work through me in that to get me to understand all of these things. Hopefully some of the things I’ve learned can be beneficial to you, as well.

I will say that senior year has been the least eventful of the four years, and thank God for that. I’m so ready to move on. I knew I would get to have a lot of flexibility this year as I didn’t even really have any required courses left, so I was mainly taking dual-credit college classes, most of which were online to begin with, and a couple others were more hybrid with the pandemic. I’ve had tons of time to myself at home, and I love that. Actually, I think God knew I needed that. As you’ve learned by now, I never really fit in with any of my peers throughout high school, and just being in the building all day, basically every day, with people who I never felt I belonged with, was so mentally draining. Not having that component this year has helped a lot, I’m not going to lie. I can just focus on my studies and be done. It also allowed me that time to be renewed mentally and soak in all these things I’ve learned from over the years, so let’s get into what I wish I would have known for the season I’m in currently. Then to conclude it all, I’ll share some of the good moments I’ve had through it all that God used to give me hope and will list some of my favorite songs and quotes related to this time of my life that inspired me through it all.

What I Wish I Would Have Known in High School My Senior Year

God will work out everything you need on your behalf. I’m actually amazed looking back at the seeming craziness of this year for me and how well it worked out. Back in my junior year, I knew basically all of my required classes were going to be done and I would have all this open space, and I knew I wanted to take college courses. That concerned me at the time because both of my parents drive for work, and I didn’t have my own car. I didn’t know how that was going to look with me if I needed to be going back and forth between the high school and the community college in town, but I registered for them anyway. My mom’s job she had at that time I scheduled them was pretty flexible, so I figured she and I could make it work. Then she lost that job and took a different job where she was with the school all day, which actually let it work out better where I would take her and my brother in, and then I could have the car the rest of the day. Two of the classes were online anyway, and one that was supposed to meet ended up being on Zoom, and the other class only met once per week, and that was in the evening. I was stressed about all this at first, and it could be a little much for me at times, but it went so fast in hindsight and worked out exactly as it needed to.

His timing really is perfect, and He will surprise you with how much He enables you to be capable of. With that being said, He knows what He’s doing. Literally only months before this was when I started getting confident with my driving. I didn’t take Driver’s Ed until my sophomore year because that was when I would turn 16, and I drove sporadically off and on since then, but I would be such a perfectionist with my driving, which caused me a lot of anxiety about it where I wasn’t confident in my ability. When the pandemic hit, not even thinking about what this year would look like, I suddenly just decided I wanted to start driving more. Mom and I would go into town a lot with me driving, and I did that consistently enough where I finally did start building confidence. Still, the idea then of driving on my own terrified me. Finally during the summer when I went in early to take the ACT, Mom mentioned the idea of me taking myself, and I thought that would be an opportune time. I definitely still had nerves about it, but at this point I forced myself to do it because I knew I knew what I was doing. That all went really well, and then I guess from there, the rest is history. I drive people everywhere all the time now. I even drove myself down to Knoxville by myself one day to see my dad at work to give him something, which involved me driving I-80 by myself, AND I can even drive Dad’s truck on my own and feel good about that. I actually plan on writing a post about my driving journey because it’s been a great learning experience for me in faith as well, but suffice all this to say that God knew I would have to be driving this year, and He prepared me for it without me even knowing that’s what I was preparing for.

Enjoy your life for yourself, not to prove things to others. I think this was a lot easier for me to do this year simply because I rarely had to see my peers and interact with them, so that element of comparison was alleviated in a lot of ways. That’s not to say it didn’t still happen, though, because it definitely did. I would still look at things on social media, or I would still feel as though I wanted them to know I was better without them and what not, even though a big part of me was still hurt that I had to feel so lonely. Sometimes when I would find myself feeling genuinely happy, I would feel as though I needed to post more or show all this stuff off, but thankfully God would usually just have me journal about it and then move on with life. I was able to enjoy this year for the most part because I tried not to worry about social media and all that stuff as much, and that’s really the key.

Enjoy all the driving. It will help you cope/be thankful/praise Him for everything. I do love driving, and I’m thankful I do now because I always wanted to love it. When I was so insecure about my driving, it was definitely not enjoyable, but God helped me overcome that and I was able to see how much I enjoyed it when I just relaxed. I have done so much running this year and still do because I drop my mom and brother off, and now my parents ask me to do things for them, too, but I actually do enjoy the time I get to myself in the car. I love listening to the radio, talking to God, looking at everything I see, thinking, and just having that time to be thankful and rejoice. It’s been nice for me when I have been stressed to get in the car and drive and just focus on that and my relationship with Him. Sometimes it feels like a lot, but then I just remember how much it does help me and I don’t resent it anymore.

Remember how far you’ve come. It’s easy to get hung up on all the experiences you’ve yet to have, but this year you will have some opportunities that seem ordinary but were once things you only dreamed about. This is an important thing to remember, as I’ve had to learn life is not all about “the next thing.” For example, this year I would constantly think about stuff like, why can’t I have my first kiss yet? Why can’t I learn what it feels like to have a crush pursue me and start a relationship? I would get fixated on things like that, yet when I was doing all this driving myself, one time even being in the parking lot near my crush as we were both getting our stuff so I got to strut haha, and that used to seriously be something I would fantasize about. A long time ago back in my early middle school years, I did have a crush on this older guy who went to the high school, and I would think up scenarios like that where I could drive and had my own car and would be putting my stuff in it at the end of the day and he’d be watching me and watch me drive and all this. Then it literally happened that way with a guy at my high school, and I never thought I would like someone at my high school again. Also, just seeing how far I’d come with driving, completing all the high school courses I wanted to when I’d only make lists of them all in eighth grade, etc. It might seem like mundane things, but those were huge to me before they came to be, and it’s important to realize that as otherwise you’ll be hyping up everything, always chasing these next things, but what you’re really chasing is something you’ll never obtain because you don’t consciously enjoy the things that come to be.

Once again: just because this season of your life doesn’t meet the “ideal” version of how it should be playing out doesn’t mean you still don’t have a beautiful life and that you still can’t enjoy it. Senior year was still a bit painful for me even though the actual day-to-day of seeing my peers was gone because I would think about all those “lasts” people talk about, and I never even had the firsts! I definitely did not feel like I had a “normal” high school experience regardless of the pandemic, and sometimes that did sting. Sometimes that threatened my peace, but all glory to God, He did help me through that a lot easier this year. I think not being surrounded by it all was huge, honestly. I didn’t have to show up at something I was supposed to be part of but wasn’t; I was able to just focus on my studies and then MY life. And I did enjoy all of the quiet moments, the down time, the time I spent studying on my own, I really did. I don’t doubt the beauty of my life at all. I just have to remember to focus on it when comparison and the temptations to “fit in” or have a life like someone else’s creeps in. My life shouldn’t look like anyone else’s. It’s my life, mine to enjoy through Him, and that’s what I’ve been focusing on doing. I can choose to rejoice only if I have everything the world says constitutes a happy life (ha, good luck, you never will), or I can choose to rejoice right now because of Him and the good gifts He’s given me. Those are the choices.

You don’t need peer (or ANYONE’S) approval to appreciate who you are and the good gifts God has given you. They all reflect back on Him, anyway, so use it to draw all the more closer to Him when you feel bad about not getting more of the “recognition.” Okay, I don’t want this to sound vain or conceited, but I’m like every other girl who wants to be recognized for certain things, like their looks, what they do, and stuff like that. There would be many times after PE where I’d get changed afterwards and leave in a casual but cute outfit that I was proud of and that I thought made my frame look great, and then sometimes I would think all these things again like why don’t I get guys or why don’t more people pay attention to me if I think I look great, etc. I had to realize, though, that ultimately every good gift is from God, including any physical beauty I have, and it’s not mine to flaunt or use to make myself feel good but rather something that I can thank Him for. It’s not about me or anything I did for it, it’s about His love and generous giving, and that’s what I have to focus on when I don’t feel like I “get it” from anyone else.

Don’t let not being “one of them” get to you. Like at all. Just keep doing your thing and keep shining. Don’t let what they’re doing make you second-guess what you’re doing and if it’s good enough. I kind of already touched on this with enjoying your life, but it’s worth repeating. The desire to belong is so deeply ingrained in us that of course this can threaten our perception of our lives, but it shouldn’t, not when you know you’re secure in Him.

Teach yourself to relax about seeing your crush. It can be a hard thing to do because when you see someone you like, part of what makes them a crush is how you do feel physically when you’re near them, but the added anxiety and wondering about seeing them doesn’t produce anything good. What happens will happen, and you’ll be fine either way. Do remember that it’s not the end of the world what they do (or don’t do), and it’s not about you. What happens with one person doesn’t have to characterize how you think about yourself/life.

Instead of being sad over what isn’t turning out and allowing that to make you doubt your future, be excited about all the possibilities you’ve not even considered yet and trust God that He will provide the things you need and desires of your heart in His timing. When things didn’t happen with my crush this year like I’d wanted most of high school, that did bother me. At the time, I didn’t see what would be an issue with having him in my life or having a relationship finally. When nothing did end up coming of it, that would inevitably lead me to once again start the cycle of doubting myself/my future/God. It’s one of those things, though, where because I wanted it so bad and idealized it, of course it would be hard for me to find the reasons why it wouldn’t be good for me, even though obviously I know there had to have been. Just because I don’t know what they are doesn’t mean they don’t exist. That’s not to say it will be like that forever. One of the nice things about the hockey guy I talked about in the previous post is that God showed me how when I am obsessed with someone else, things that I didn’t think possible can show up. You have to trust in God’s character and know that He is for you. He’s not trying to make war against your desires, but He wants to give them to you when they are truly going to be the best for you. Also, a simple enough reason for why I think this advice can still be hard to take is just because you get bored. At least I do, anyway. It wasn’t like I had hockey guys sweeping me off my feet every day; my crush was really all the excitement and potential for a relationship I had, which is why it was all the more easy to covet the idea of us. I wish I had an easy antidote to PATIENCE, but it is what it is. Focus is everything, though; the more you focus on how badly you wish you could have your crush, the crappier you’ll feel. Find other ways to think about and enjoy your life that don’t involve romance.

Enjoy this time at home and Willy!!! It is true that things won’t always stay the same! This is something I do think I did well, but I threw it on here for emphasis because I remember throughout my junior year, I would constantly think of how sick I was of being at home all the time and how much I needed to “get out in the world,” and soon enough I actually will be, which is honestly hard to wrap my mind around, like me actually going to live somewhere else and manage my own life, because I have not ever done anything like that. Also, this year I tried to take it easier, not getting so uptight about rushing the process since this was my last year, so I did try to enjoy it all the more, and I’m definitely glad I did. I’m very thankful for the life I’ve had and the upbringing, even though yes, I’ve seen my fair share of crap, but it did help build my faith. I can confidently say my parents did their absolute best in raising me, and I am so thankful to have had them and learned the things I did from them.

Sometimes the “perfect” opportunities aren’t best for you at all, and God will reveal that to you. Accept it all as a learning experience and move on. Without getting into too much detail, as my goal isn’t to whine about things or single anyone out, but I did have something I did where I’d thought about it for a long time and thought it would be ideal for me, and then when I actually got it, I just realized that definitely wasn’t the case. I was still very grateful to have gotten to see that, but it was definitely something I didn’t want to continue in. The experience was still necessary, though.

All you can do is your best with anything and control your own attitudes. You can’t control other people’s attitudes or expectations of you. Going along with that, I would feel so much anxiety about this. I would feel as though I couldn’t do anything right and it was so intense, and it didn’t need to be. Once I realized that, I just knew I could only do what God had enabled me to, try to keep a good outlook about it, and then move on with the experience. Sometimes your ambitions/personalities just don’t jive with another’s, but that’s not your responsibility. When you’re doing your part to genuinely care, try your best, work hard, be courteous…what more can people ask? And if they do, then that’s on them, not you.

ENJOY sleeping in super late. Things will get done. They always do. Enjoy the times of rest. When you’re super busy, you won’t like it, so better be grateful for each season God gives you. 😉 I thought this was kind of funny because one of the things I also whined about was needing more things to do, and when I had a full load of college courses, a job, and was running around all the time this fall, I despised it. I just wanted to sit in my room all day and do nothing again. I thought that was such a bad thing before—because in this society, God forbid you ever be still—even though I actually loved the time to myself, and that’s how I would recharge and become more productive. It was just another reminder to appreciate whatever stage of life I’m in because there is no “perfect season” to wait for; they all have their ups and downs. Also, I would feel guilty whenever I would come back home and go back to bed because I’d always think of all the stuff I had to do for school, but it WOULD always get done. If you have the time to sleep, do enjoy it and don’t beat yourself over the head with guilt. Rest is important.

“Winning people over” is not a matter of crafting a trendier social media post or posting more attractive photos. Don’t worry about future friends/guys. The right connections will come naturally. It’s not anything you’ve done wrong. You’re very likable and datable and don’t have to justify that through tons of social media attention. Here’s another big thing that hung over my head A LOT this year… It’s not supposed to be meant to do this, but going into college, my college has an official Facebook group for each class, so when you accept your offer, you can join this group and interact with other future students there. You can post just to make friends, but it’s also how a ton of people find their roommates. I knew about this group for a couple years, so of course I planned to join and find my roommate. I didn’t think it would be hard at all, I mean surely not with a school as big as the one I’m going to, right? I thought my posts would do very well with my little introduction and bio and then some of my favorite photos. NOPE. I swear, out of everyone’s posts, I think mine got some of the lowest amounts of interaction. I posted three different times, each with a slightly different introduction and different photos. When I initially posted, I felt fantastic about my post! I thought it was trendy, fun, but still true to who I am as a person with a lot to offer. But when that happened, I constantly tried thinking of different ways I could post that might get more engagement. It never really worked.

I don’t want to sound crazy, but it’s instances like this where I really do believe there’re demons out there fighting against me, just wanting to make that happen so I could further plummet down the spiral of self-esteem, doubt everything, including God, and just…yeah. Because there’s literally no reason why my posts weren’t just as good as anyone else’s who managed to chalk up a hundred likes and tons of “omg adding u’s!!!” Maybe I’ll just never bond with people my age? Maybe some people are meant to be lone wolves? I’ll never know this side of heaven more than likely, but all this is to say, you can very well read my frustration this group has given me. And I have HAD to learn to get over it, for my own peace of mind. I could go around and around complaining about it, questioning it, and trying to find some sort of answer, but it doesn’t matter because it is what it is, and it is not worth losing my sanity over. Here’s the thing: social media is only one part of the equation, and I’m beginning to hate social media anyway because I just don’t think it’s set up for human connection even though people claim it is. A devotion I read not too long ago actually said something about how it helps you make acquaintances, not friends, and I do think that’s true, at least for me it has been. I snapped so many girls about talking and becoming roommates, and it never went anywhere. We’d ask a couple questions, and then the conversation would die, and conversation is a two-way thing, I can’t keep playing 20 questions. That’s another thing that annoyed me, is seeing people find their roommates and talking to them like they were always besties, and I was like, can I read your conversation? Where am I going wrong here?

So let’s take a breath: I wasn’t. With my post, with my conversations. It simply is what it is. You can’t force what isn’t there. I didn’t hit it off with anyone who didn’t already have a roommate. [UPDATE: I literally did end up making a special connection with one girl who had also been looking, and we decided to be roommates. On literally the day of the deadline for adding a roommate. If that’s not a miracle, I don’t know what is.] (I’m also not saying I’ve made zero connections on social media, but they are the sorts of connections I think I would have naturally made in real life given the opportunities, like where we had a mutual friend introducing us or where we were familiar with the same area or had some similar passion, etc.) I went off on a tangent now, but I have to give the proper context in order to authentically talk about it and what I learned from it. As you can see by my lack of luck here with making future connections, it didn’t help my confidence that I would meet friends and guys in college or really ever, but the truth is, there’s still a whole world out there. Online is NOT the same as real life. You shouldn’t have to force things—the right things will come naturally. Being likable on social media doesn’t say a lot about you, and what it may say usually isn’t good. I would literally be like, so what types of photos would get attention? Do I have to post a photo of myself naked? I would never do that obviously, but looking at the posts that did get tons of likes, there is definitely things in common with them all. Usually they are the party girls through the poses, the lack of clothing (which blows my mind since so many of these girls are either newly 18 or not even). What I’m trying to say, though, is that it doesn’t matter. Something as trivial as social media doesn’t say a whole about your overall likability/datability. It just doesn’t. In the real world, when God sees it is right for you to have certain people, it will come without all the heartache and “striving” for it/to look like it/act like it/etc.

A lot of the things you thought would be so great are actually pretty overrated. Just enjoy where you are and what you have. God will not let you miss anything good for you, and sometimes He allows the things you think would be so great to finally come to show you that they don’t mean anything. I remember sitting in my chemistry class my junior year, and one of the girls I sat by would always have her phone out, so I could always see it going off with Snapchat notifications. I remember thinking then of how nice it would be to constantly have people snapping you and stuff like that. Flash forward to now, I actually do because of the people I’ve added and reached out to and the groups I’ve been a part of for college, and it’s pretty overrated. I explained the whole concept of snapping to my mom, and she thought it was the dumbest thing ever, how you just send random pictures back and forth, not even saying anything, just something to do. And honestly, I totally agree. It is a pretty pointless endeavor. It definitely doesn’t say anything about who you are as a person. That was another moment for me where I could realize that these things I think are so amazing and that would make me feel so great really wouldn’t. They’re just notifications of random pictures from people you barely know, and even if you do know them, it’s still just random pictures. You’re doing just fine without it.

You are qualified. Finally stop doubting that and keep your confidence going forward. This year I felt like I finally stopped doubting my worth when it comes to things like future job opportunities in my industry and my abilities there or just my abilities to do a lot of things. I realize more than ever how people who are beyond qualified for things can get screwed, not because of anything they’ve done, but because of who the other people are. I’m not going to let anyone or any opportunity define me as a person anymore. That’s such a dangerous thing we do in this society, living by titles, accomplishments, and what not. It’s all so frivolous. It can all come with no rhyme or reason. It’s not about you. Truly being qualified is a knowing you have and confidence in your own developed abilities that don’t rely on titles tacked to them to give them meaning.

You have been blessed with amazing people and things. Focus on the amazing things God has done on your behalf. It’s too easy to think of everything you think you’d like that the once-extraordinary gifts in your life don’t seem to mean much, and that’s not ever something you should let deceive you. There will be times more often than not where I will be looking through things like photos or conversations, or I’ll just be thinking about different things, whether relationships, memories, or tangible stuff, and it will just hit me, so many of the things I just glance over while being too busy fixating on the stuff I don’t have. That breaks my heart how easily I can overlook such extraordinary blessings because they start losing their novelty in my pursuit of achieving “everything.” As an example, sometimes in my wallowing over not having the friendships of my peers, I’ll dismiss the special bonds I’ve had with older girls just because they’re not people I see everyday, and then I’ll think about certain conversations, and it’s like, how dare I? How dare I overlook so many of the wonderful things I have just because of some things that I don’t and some things that, even if I did have them, still wouldn’t complete me? Everything always looks better when you don’t have it; it’s only when you actually get the things you’re dreaming about that the layers of idealism peel off in light of the negative aspects of their reality that ultimately taint everything you think you want. The key is to be thankful RIGHT NOW. It’s so true when people say if you can’t be happy now, why would you be when you get something else? The same patterns of thought that allow you to look at blessings in your life now and dismiss them as not being good enough or being good yet still lacking some thing are the same thoughts that will occur with anything you get in the future. LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. 😉

It’s going to go way faster than you even think. I remember looking at my planner back in November and thinking oh my gosh, this is my last full month of this semester’s classes. Now it’s already April. I will say, things have felt slower now I think just because I haven’t been as busy (two online college courses to finish out my credits, how’s that for senior slacking 😉 ) and I’m so close to finally having the “big things” happen with college like orientation that I’m looking forward to, but I know the time is still going to fly. There’s no point to saying this other than me sounding like an old person, but I think I’m just amazed by it because I’m always so impatient in the moment, but then it will hit me how fast things really are going. Like even now, praise God my jaw is almost completely healed, and that time of life feels so far away already. I will tell you it ABSOLUTELY did not feel that way during the four weeks afterwards, but I’m eating now so I’m happy again.

Don’t rush into relationships and commitments just for the sake of having someone or experiencing things. They won’t end up satisfying you anyway if they’re not truly meant for you. I almost did this a lot of times when talking to college people on Snapchat, when it came to springing on the idea of being roommates with someone just because they were one of the first persons to tell me they would be interested, and I kind of did this with a guy, too, where I was agreeing to do all this stuff even though I think what he wanted long-term was a lot less short-term than what I wanted, so even though I knew that, then it became a source of drama that I had to ask myself, why am I getting so upset when I don’t even care? Again, it’s too easy when you’re just sick of being alone to just jump at things that really aren’t any better, just to be able to say or think you’re not alone anymore or that you’re dating someone and what not. It’s not worth it. I’ve done that before; I think I forgot what it was like, though, because I started doing it again, but it was another good reminder for me to have going forward from here especially.

More Pinterest memes = less stress. Okay, I’m not actually wanting to advocate spending your time on social media to alleviate stress, but when you have a purpose in mind, sometimes what you find can be rewarding. I have stayed up way too late dying over the funniest, most relatable things that helped ease so much of my pain and remain such sources of entertainment for me. I would post them if all I wasn’t worried about copyright because they’re fantastic. Sometimes laughter is all you need for a better perspective.

MORE TIME WITH GOD AND BEING STILL WITH HIM = TRUE LIFE. But this is ultimately where any lasting joy comes from. Even when I’m humoring myself with random Pinterest stuff, a lot of times I like to talk to God about how funny it is and just relaxing like that is a great way for me to be with Him and just enjoy being alive and knowing He’s got me and is right there with me. It is literally the most amazing thing to think He’s only a thought away and we’re on His mind all the time (Psalm 139:17). That always convicts me and makes me want to just spend all the more time talking to Him.

Jaw surgery is not going to be nearly as bad as you think. On the other hand, you will greatly underestimate the value of food to you. Haha, praise God that jaw surgery wasn’t a bad experience for me and He was so faithful through it all. Now, the liquid or “no chew” diet… That was bad. I survived, but it wasn’t a fun time. I even remember thinking a month or so before surgery while at home by myself perusing the refrigerator, “Oh, that diet will probably be good for me to make me appreciate food again because right now I don’t care for any of this.” OH, YES IT ABSOLUTELY WILL MAKE YOU APPRECIATE FOOD AGAIN. Don’t ever get in that funk again where you don’t care about eating anything.

Nothing you do is ever going to be as perfect as you picture it in your head, but you might be surprised nevertheless when you try and get out of your own way. I have learned this with my writing. I have spent literally years daydreaming about entire plots and storylines, but I’ve been reluctant to actually write them because of this. Usually, though, things do turn out better than I think when the expectations are gone. It’s trying to write to such a rigid expectation that’s impossible, whereas if I just let myself write, it has a way of coming together. Now I’ve made daily free writing a habit just so I can get out of this funk of imagining and not actually doing. Besides, just dreaming about being better isn’t going to actually get you there; you may as well start writing some crap so you can begin to grow.

Remember all He’s taught you and rejoice. I have like 10 journals, probably, from high school, where I recount not just memories and thoughts but everything God has laid on my heart and the journey of growth, and while sometimes I want to bang myself against a wall while reading them, lately I’ve actually found myself astounded when I read them. There is SUCH a difference between that first journal (helloooo hockey boy, that one should be dedicated to you because you’re about the main thing in it) to my journal now. Seeing the amount of ground covered that God has done in me has been amazing. It’s literally watching my own story and growth unfold in front of me, and it’s such a cool feeling. I am so thankful He had me pick that up again and make it a habit because it has been a source of such profound encouragement and release for me. I’ll do it forever now because I’d lose it if I didn’t. I rely on that as my means of drawing close to Him and letting loose my thoughts.

You’re never invisible regardless of how it can feel, and you’re finally learning to shine regardless of how you feel about it being noticed. Just have faith that God works in bigger ways than you can even imagine, regardless of what you see. Like I said, I still don’t definitely know why high school was such a lonely experience for me or why my peers never liked to do anything with me (maybe I don’t want to haha). I don’t know why my posts seemed relatively ignored in the college group. There were a lot of times I FELT invisible, but there were also a lot of times I saw that I wasn’t. I’ll share some of those when I go into the good things about high school and those little moments God gave me to encourage me. I’m finally at that point, though, where I don’t care. Of course I care like anyone else, but I don’t let it affect me like I used to. At the beginning—actually through most—of high school, I let my feelings of invisibility degrade me and constantly thought of things I needed to fix about myself. Now I’m just like, absolutely not. I don’t have anything I need to fix about myself—other than the daily battles with sin I face that God helps me with, that is. I realize it’s not about what I’m doing or that if it is, it’s not about anything I’m doing WRONG. Sometimes when you are doing all the right things, that is almost always a lonelier journey than doing all the wrong things. It actually gives me such power anymore to know how confident I am in things like my looks, my writing and blog, my direction, and all this stuff that I used to let not having the attention of my peers affect. Now I’m just like, no, I am great whether you think so or not, and that is your problem if you don’t 😉 I don’t need a pride issue now, but I’m just saying that I think it’s healthier for me now than it was when I constantly was beating myself up. I’m not saying that to be arrogant as I’m no better than any other individual, but it’s important I also recognize that there isn’t anything I’m lacking compared to my peers. I shine in my own spectacular way, and that’s more than enough.

You will understand why this all had to happen one day. Right now, just enjoy it and everything He’s given you. Really, and I feel like I’ve quoted so many of the things I have saved (I’ll share a few down below), but you do just have to get out of your own head and not think about everything so much. Basically, the majority of my pain was caused by my thoughts. Not even kidding in the slightest. There were so many things that weren’t legitimate problems that I thought were and tortured myself with as a result. Failing a test? That might be something to have some concern over; the closest I came was a D on a physics test but still managed to get an A- in the class so who cares, but worrying about if you’re going to meet your future husband? That’s not actually a problem. When things happened to my family, a lot of times those were problems, too, but something odd that happened is actually a lot of times my thoughts were at their peak then. Maybe because I realized this actually is a problem and I need to trust in God rather than my own thought processes?!

Okay but speaking of which, it actually cracks me up how thoughts work. Like, I can be extremely upset and stressed and angry with God if a hockey guy who’s in a playoff game doesn’t look at me, but when my mom lost her job, I had a bit of resentment, but then I snapped out of it and knew that was the time to trust Him all the more. I actually have a quote saved about this. Then there’s my jaw surgery: after a traumatic procedure where my upper jaw was literally broken and detached from my skull, I barely felt any pain. A couple months later I get my period, have terrible cramps/soreness and start asking people to kill me and asking Mom if we kept any of the hard drugs from my surgery because I needed them or I was going to jump off a bridge. Yep. The mind is a fascinating thing.

It really is in the mind. (Wow, Mom and God are right!) Decide ahead of time how you’re going to let things affect you, whether that’s preparation for a surgery or your crush talking to you. Soooo that was the perfect prelude to this. This one pretty much speaks for itself, so let’s have Mom and God enjoy their glory. I did talk more about the effect of telling myself ahead of my surgery that I wasn’t going to fear it worked wonders in actually maintaining my peace once it came, and this was also true when I decided to make a move with my crush. Well, it was almost true then. I couldn’t not let myself have one mental breakdown after that was all said and done but I haven’t had one since, and that was over a month ago so I’ll take it. It’s because I had to grieve it, my idea of it, anyway, and then move on.

God knows the opportunities and recognition that counts and will mean most to/be best for you. He will reward your efforts in His timing. One of the things I’ve been doing this year is applying for scholarships. I have racked up quite a list of ones I’ve applied to, though a majority of them have been more like drawings where you don’t have to write anything to enter, so I haven’t won a whole lot of them. There were a few scholarships, though, that I did submit an application for including an essay and got some nice rejection letters from. There was one scholarship, though, that my counselor had mentioned to me through my college like a year ahead, and I knew I wanted to apply for it when the time came. I had to write an essay talking about financial difficulties in my family, and I had a nice list of that stored up!

More than anything, though, throughout the essay I was able to share my faith and how it all helped me grow and become who I am. I even thought once I submitted it that I was really proud of the essay and hoped I would win it. Quite humbly, I thought I deserved it, but I should, or why apply? I also thought it would be such a tribute to my family and everything we’d gone through and how God was faithful through it all. I am by no means a person who wins things, though. I’ve applied to so many things and been rejected throughout my life; the only things I can remember winning and being accepted to is a cool white snowman pen and being drawn to ride a float in the homecoming parade in kindergarten and being accepted into Iowa State, so I did not want to get my hopes up. Long story short, I did win the scholarship for my county, and it was such a gift. It meant the world to me especially because I did mention so much about God throughout my essay, and it was a hefty amount of money, the most expensive scholarship I’d applied to. In a way, that was some recognition for what we’d been through and for my ability to write something that wins. That will mean a lot more to me (and will pay off more, literally) than most other things, so I thank Him for that and knowing what is good for me to have in the long run.

Time is precious. Just soak it all in. Don’t feel such guilt about just stopping to REST and ENJOY things, like reading old journals, looking at old photos, reflecting on funny memes, cute pictures, etc. This is the stuff that makes up life, not all the going and accomplishing. Sometimes once I would finish all my schoolwork, I would put such pressure on myself through rigid routines of my free time of what I wanted to be working on like with my writing. As a result, I ended up burned out because I felt like I could never take breaks or have time where I don’t think about it so much. Finally I decided enough was enough and that I wasn’t going to love what I do if I can’t let myself live, so I took time to read through my journals, which helped a lot in writing these posts, and just the freedom to stop and take a break when I feel like I need it.

You have been sharing your story, and through God’s grace, it is good enough. Another thing I would constantly doubt is my blog. I always would think that since I haven’t had a large following, it’s not really credible or something I can list as an accomplishment. I now realize what lies those were and that I can shine on here—just like in the real world—regardless of who wants to notice it or not. I saw a quote that talked about how the sun still shines and is beautiful (it might have been a sunrise/set more specifically) regardless of if we acknowledge that. That definitely hit me. Like, do we measure the power and beauty of the sun based on how many people stop to look at it on a given day? No, that’s ridiculous. Things have value because of what they are, not through other people’s perceptions of them. I don’t have to be a published author to finally feel like my story is credible. I can do that right now, and now is just as good a time as any. After all, will I be a different person when I’m an author? Will I have a different story? No, this will still be my story that led up to it all, so why do I need that title tacked to my name to make it count? Nothing changes about me or my story except for the fact that I happened to get published. We have to seriously challenge the idea that titles make all this difference.

Use the time to enjoy learning, reading, and just being quiet and meditative with God. That’s the stuff that’s going to stay with you and inspire you for the rest of your life, not all the things you get done. This is WHY rest and breaks are so important. Sometimes stopping writing to read an inspiring book is the best thing you can do for your mind. Or taking a break from homework to be still with God and just rest for awhile. If you work your whole life for temporary things, you’re going to look back with lists of just that, not a life characterized by fullness. Life is about more than work and doing things. Living is about being. You don’t need to add to it; that’s when life gets complicated. If ever you do feel overwhelmed and confused, step back from everything and just BE. Get focused back on God. That’s where our fullness will be because that’s what we were designed to do, BE ALIVE.

God knows how to kick you in the butt, and while you won’t appreciate it at the time, He is doing it because you will enjoy what comes of it. This was the case for me so many times with my driving. I never liked doing things at the time, but once I had, I would be so thankful to Him that He made me just do it because it was like conquering a demon. Like when I went to see my dad at work, I was not happy about that at first, but then I started thinking it wouldn’t be that bad because I had God to help me. Sure enough, He did, and the amount of freedom I gained from making that drive was tremendous. Also, I really enjoyed the time hanging out with my dad, so I was glad it worked out that way and I’d agreed to do it, and I thanked Him for that.

By the grace of God and the people He’s used to encourage you, you’ve gained about a lifetime of wisdom in this time, some of the most important things to learn. That is your miracle and what makes it all worth it because you know He’s never going to let you go. He took you all the way through this season, and He’s going to do the same in every season to come, forever. If I have a takeaway from high school, it’s this. When I talk about all the wisdom I’ve gained, I’m not doing it to brag on myself. I didn’t do anything for it except fight with God most of the time and then finally surrender, again and again. That is a miracle, when I think of how much I’ve learned because this isn’t just stuff relevant to high school. This is the kind of stuff everyone has to get figured out in life at some point or another, and a lot of people never do because the kind of sacrifice it takes can be very painful, as I’ve talked about. But my gosh, if I can learn all of this NOW, then I want to! Finally something I don’t have to wait for; oh no, you never have to wait to be tested 😉 Seriously, though, if ever I’m struggling in the future, I basically just need to come back and look at this stuff again. I’m not by any means saying that this is it or that I’m done learning because I know I’m absolutely not, but I’ve been able to gain such a solid foundation that reaches out to so many areas of life.

Comparison can delude you and destroy what you once viewed as amazing and beautiful because the enemy uses it to brew lies in your mind. It’s a trap. Quit focusing on what everyone else is doing. Focus on everything God is doing through you. The more you do, it becomes impossible to ignore the astounding beauty and blessings and grace in your own life. The goal isn’t to be like other people. The goal is to shine your light for Him through your unique story. I had something my senior year that was so precious to me when I first got it, and I never thought that effect would wear out or that anything would shake it. I thought it was so good, comparison couldn’t touch it. Anything can be touched by comparison, though, because as we discussed earlier, comparison really isn’t about what things are better but rather your thought processes or perception. I started looking at what all my peers were doing for theirs and allowed that to actually taint mine. When I say taint, I don’t mean it ruined these things because they were absolutely amazing to begin with and I thought that, so how could they have changed? They didn’t change, only my thoughts changed. Realizing that, I was then able to fall back in love with the beauty of my own, but I wish I would never have even considered comparing it to somebody else’s. Again, that’s not how you should be validating things by measuring them against others’. They have value for their own sake. That can’t be taken away.

Life isn’t going to be easy going forward because this life is always going to be tainted by sin. Accept that, know you will still be upset in the future, but come back to all that you know to be true. Your feelings will catch up, but you have to decide what to feed them. When it comes to things still in the future, like prom, graduation, and even starting college, you can feed yourself your insecurities and compare to everyone else, or you can decide it’s not going to affect you and the extraordinary life God has blessed you with. Because guess what? It actually, literally, truly DOES NOT. The pain you feel, the squeezing in your heart? They stem from THOUGHTS. They’re just THOUGHTS. And yes, thoughts can definitely hurt, but the good news? You can change them any time you want. Just know that when you feel down again. I hope that’s what you can take away through all these posts. Circumstances can hurt, but the power is in your thoughts and focus when they’re centered on Him.

God will not let you forget everything He’s taught you. This is also fitting to say because though I would fight against Him, He would always bring me back. Sometimes even when I didn’t want to be brought back. Let Him heal you. Feel what you have to feel, but then don’t feed those things to your mind as truth. They’re just feelings. God is still in control, always has been, always will be, and He LOVES you. Whether you want to relax or not won’t change that, so do relax! You know what makes it all the more amazing, the reason why you CAN relax? Because He loves you. And love casts out fear (1 John 4:18), and He’s not going to let you go (John 10:28).

*Now for the asterisk we’ve all been waiting for me to address from my first high school post. Just kidding, I’m sure your brain is fried if you’ve actually followed all these posts. But the reason why I love the quote from Twister where Bill is fighting with Jo and finally confesses his feelings for her in saying, “Look at what you got right in front of you,” is because not only is that the climactic scene of the whole movie, but it needs to be the climactic moment for all of us, where we realize all we could ever want IS only a thought away—God. Jesus Himself has done it all for us and brought us to the Father. We were created by Him and for Him (Colossians 1:16), so what makes us constantly think we could ever find any satisfaction apart from wholeheartedly dedicating and living our lives to and for Him? I’ll tell you what does—the devil, because He doesn’t want you focused on God. Why, then, would you take the bait? Why would you give in to such simple, baseless pleasures of the world believing someone who HATES YOU?! I do it just as much as anyone, which is why this is something I like to remember all the more. I don’t WANT to endorse that lifestyle. Some people are content with going to heaven and letting that be all they think of God. They keep Him at arm’s distance to try and hold onto their life, not realizing they’re resisting Life Itself.

Here’s a little more background on Twister that makes this scene all the more relevant for my experiences in high school and what I’m saying now: in the scene, Jo is frantically trying to pick up this device they’ve created to go inside a tornado to gather data on it, which she is extremely passionate about (and obsessed with) because when she was a little girl, a tornado killed her dad. Bill is her husband but they were filing for divorce, which we infer was due to Jo’s obsession with chasing the tornadoes and getting the data rather than focusing on her marriage to him. “Chance” has it, though, that in coming out to get her to sign the papers (because of course he’s getting remarried and needs them), he ends up spending the day with her doing this because their invention arrived. This is the moment where he finally says to her that she’s obsessed because he wanted her to get back in the truck for obvious safety reasons with the tornado and she just wanted to keep salvaging something that wasn’t salvageable. So he finally breaks down and tells her that and tells her he’s sorry about her dad but that was the past and she needs to look at what she has now—him. In other words, she let the pain and trauma of her past and the need to validate it through external accomplishment erode her view of all the good she did have, and humans are notorious for doing that, which is why this scene really speaks to me on such a deep level. So yes, look at what you have. You have the God of the universe after you, loving you, ready to fight on your behalf as long as you’ll let Him. Don’t be one of those people chasing after things to try and mediate for past hurts. Not when you’ve got Him right in front of you.

Okay, that concludes my *little* novel on everything I wish I would have known in high school. I’m sure there could always be more, but these were definitely the biggest things. I also wanted to talk about some of the better moments that acted as respite through it all, to show how God was present through it even though it could feel godless and how He was still fighting for me and remaining true to His promises to never leave me. I also hope it will help you look for the good even in the hard seasons of life.

The Good Moments of High School: How God Encouraged Me Through the Pain

• Getting to take fun electives: on the first day of school in this English elective class I was taking, we took the Myers-Briggs test and I thought I would die because I LOVE the Myers-Briggs stuff, and knowing my personality type has been a huge help for me over the years in diagnosing myself and understanding myself better as to what’s normal for me and how to cope
• Meeting and talking with a teacher who has ties to a place I also do and love: that was so fun going in early to talk with him and then I had that connection the following years, and it was cool to see how God works things out like that
• Having a fun group of kids to work with in my science class freshman year: I’m not a huge science/math person—it just rarely holds my interest and is oftentimes hard for me to understand—but thankfully we would do a lot of work with our table, and my first group I had was this guy and another girl who was actually from a different grade, and I remember having fun just talking with them; one time the girl was shopping while we were supposed to be working on our laptops, and my teacher comes by and asks her what she’s doing and he goes, “You’re shopping,” in the most unamused yet nonchalant tone—still cracks me up
• My first health class in high school was full of amusing moments: I have conversations I wrote down from this, and I liked my teacher for this, too, and I remember on the day of finals (it was my first one), I don’t remember what happened like if we’d had a bad morning at home or something, but I just remember someone was giving out donuts and I had one of those and that helped me relax and let go of whatever was bothering me haha
• My first study hall of my high school career where I often had nothing to do: I’d spend the time relaxing listening to One Direction, coming up with ideas for writing and randomly working on some stuff, thinking about college and doing research there, and stuff like that
• Befriending one of my English teachers and his interest in my writing: he was so knowledgable and kind and gave me much-needed encouragement on a story I was submitting to a contest, which he volunteered to look over
• Talking with my first-year counselor: he was so kind and insightful, and we got along well and were able to discuss multiple things about my future that he was confident about, and he liked me a lot and shared a lot of insight from his own lessons he’d learned that I really appreciated hearing; it’s always nice to have such great relationships with counselors as they are the ones helping to guide you through the four years
• Freshman year PE class: I enjoyed PE every year, but my freshman year it was especially such a nice surprise for me since I went into it stressed to the max, but I remember how sometimes when I would find out news that would overwhelm me, running the warmup laps was so relieving and talking with friends there and being partners with them while we did various activities and I learned to do strength training and loved being in the weight room; I had it the last trimester so we’d go outside a lot, and on days when we were in the weight room I loved seeing the sun shining in from the windows near the exit outside, and they had a pop station playing, which was so fun to work out to
• Hilarious conversations in Spanish my first year: to be honest, every year I actually enjoyed the two teachers I had for Spanish and they totally made the class, as I was only taking it to meet a college requirement, but I actually did learn way more about language and society than I ever thought I would, but my first year, I remember there were some especially hilarious moments where we’d get off on tangents, and it was so fun; we also got to play Battleship to review for tests/quizzes
• Eating “tiger tots”: I miss these so much and will probably never get them again in my life
• My freshman year history class: I found that so fascinating as most of the time we would watch documentaries and movies, which were my favorite, and that teacher was so kind as well
• All the times we tracked our resting heart rate in PE while laying on the mats in the wrestling room: I would just lay there in the dark and talk to God, it was so nice
• Doing a cookie lab in science: and I was sitting with a group of guys, and he gave me a cookie to eat—just me
• That feeling of victory and praise to God every time I did better in math than I thought I would during 10th grade: and the (rare) smileys I got when I had a perfect test
• The hilarious conversations with our teacher in 10th grade math: half the time, we spent more time goofing off as a class and listening to him about different topics than actually doing math, and I did not mind that at all; I’ll also not forget, specifically, a conversation when one of the students confused meanings of words in the funniest way and when they called an early out that morning, which my teacher thought we didn’t need, and his face he made when we were all just like that dismissed from his class to go to the next with that schedule; that math class was actually entertaining despite all the grief it gave me
• All the times Mom sent me GIFs/photos of hot guys I liked: I remember her doing this a lot for me in 10th grade during the day when I’d get down; you know she loves me when she literally googled “50 Shades guy” hahaha
• Grandma was also so good about texting me encouraging things: don’t think I could’ve made it through sophomore and junior years, specifically, without their advice, which I will blog about at a later time
• The most hilarious English project ever in 10th grade: I was in a group with this other girl and a guy I knew, and for the purpose of our project we wanted him to be a girl so he went and asked this other English teacher if he had a wig, comes back into the classroom with it on and all disheveled, and the whole class just dies; filming and creating that video was a blast, and we got a good grade on it, too
• The times people would ask me to sit with them at lunch: there were a couple trimesters where I knew no one I felt comfortable sitting with at lunch so I would sit by myself, but one time when that happened, a girl I used to be friends with invited me to sit with her group, which was really nice, and another time I had a guy friend I was sitting with at lunch but one day he happened to be gone, and this group of freshmen girls invited me to sit with them for the day, and they would ask me questions and include me in conversation, which was really touching, actually, because people tend to not do stuff like that anymore, so those times it happened did not go unnoticed by me
• The time I had a mental breakdown about my crush and Mom, Grandma, and my cousin were all texting me about it throughout the day: hahaha love you all thanks for putting up with my crap
• Which leads me to all the cute and fun little moments I had with my crush the last three years of high school: it may not have ended up where and how I wanted it to, but I really did enjoy all the times I saw him and regardless of what he says, I’m pretty sure he enjoyed it at the time, too, like when we would make eyes at each other from across the auditorium at assemblies, I’d walk behind/beside him in halls and he’d be looking at me or showing off with friends, the time he held the door for me…haha there’s a lot more but it was fun while it lasted even if nothing came of it, gave the days something interesting
• Writing essays for my social studies classes in 10th grade: the topics were usually so fascinating and we’d watch lots of movies and documentaries again; one of the essays I wrote for my favorite teacher at the high school received such meaningful praise from him, which I was so grateful for
• Pizza parties in seminar: we won this contest a couple years, I think, and then we’d get Casey’s pizza; that’s where I got hooked on their cheese breakfast pizza mmmm
• All the gushing my sparkly booties received from peers: I didn’t get much recognition from my peers, but when I did, 9/10 it was probably for those boots
• Planning out cute spring/summer outfits to get me through the end of 10th grade: literally, that was about all I looked forward to at the end of my sophomore year, was planning my outfits for the next day, but I did lots of shopping so I got to have fun putting things together, and I remember I had to start bringing a hoodie because the building was always freezing, but I liked how that looked sometimes over shorts and what not, and I would see my crush a lot this trimester and I think he appreciated the looks haha
• How low-key the end of 10th grade was and all the times Mom called me out early at the end of the days when all I had was study hall hehe
• Creative writing class my sophomore year: I loved this teacher and developed a relationship with her, and this class was obviously right up my alley and allowed me tons of time for writing, but I also ended up having lots of down time to just work on whatever or text Mom and Grams when I was upset haha
• Then I would go to study hall and see one of my older friends: she was in that study hall with me, and since it was so early in the morning and near the end of the year, I rarely had things to work on, so we loved to talk and wander around the library together, and the high school has a beautiful and well-stocked library
• Chilling in AP Psychology: I took this class a year earlier than normal (sophomore year) because this was obviously something I was passionate about, and even though this class showed me that I didn’t want to pursue a career in psychology, I still loved learning about it, and we would watch movies and such here, too, that were intriguing, and towards the end of the year after the AP exam in May, there wasn’t any further content to learn (because we had to learn it all before the exam) so we got like a study hall, but we would watch movies sometimes, too, and our final was a movie reflection over an M. Night Shyamalan movie, which was so good; this was my last class of the day during my last trimester so I appreciated the time to just relax
• My sophomore year English class: I enjoyed the content this teacher picked out for us for the most part, which made it all the more fun and engaging, even though sometimes I got triggered in this class haha, but I also remember enjoying it because I love English and would text my mom a lot and confide in her; the teacher was fun to talk and listen to, also, which definitely helps
• Looking forward to the things I had coming in the mail after school: that always boosts the spirit
• Creating a website for Spanish class: doing any sort of project for Spanish was usually a little stressful just because it took so much thought, but I was happy with the website I got to create during the end of Spanish my sophomore year—in fact, if you want to see it, I just found the link for it and saved it so I can reference it forever haha: https://staerkashlee.wixsite.com/restaurant; I also loved the days when instead of doing our normal routine, we’d watch a video about a Spanish country and culture, but one of those scarred me one time with some of the things they talked about, but I still enjoyed the break to chill out
• Having to find random crap to do when the busyness of classes wound down in the spring of 10th grade: my go-to’s were shopping and taking Buzzfeed quizzes or looking at college courses
• Talking to my friend about all the things I was buying: I think that was one of my favorite things to talk about in study hall that spring haha because I kept having drama on Poshmark where none of the swimsuits I was buying were working out but then I finally found “the one” haha; I was so thankful I got to talk with this sweet girl whom I met in my Spanish class and we sat by each other and then had each other in study hall the next trimester, and I also got see her my junior year and we had PE together; having someone so fun and easy to talk to like her definitely makes the days easier and faster
• The academic excellence banquet I was invited to during the spring of my sophomore year: it was at our college in town and very fancy; in hindsight I would’ve worn a dress, but it was nice getting that recognition and getting to attend with my parents
• The times I would be down my sophomore year and then out of the blue get responses to emails I’d sent a while back: like to various people about career stuff, and they were always so complimentary and insightful for me, and that boosted me a lot; I also had one teacher in particular who would email me and check in with me on social media periodically, and that meant the world to me, to know she still was thinking about me
• Looking forward to seeing my grandparents at the end of the day: at the beginning of my junior year, we were all planning to go to a Hawkeye game over the weekend, and I always cherished that feeling of knowing they were coming down to my house and I would get to see them at the end of the day
• Having tons of time to read through my English electives junior year: my junior year was heavy with English courses, which I loved, especially at first when I was taking a dual-credit college English course and an elective focusing on novels; one of the first books I read for my college course was this thick novel, and like four chapters in I get to this descriptive sex scene…I was like oh-kay, we’re not in innocent elementary school anymore, and this book isn’t boring anymore; I also loved the days in my English elective class where we would just get to read our books and do nothing else, and that teacher I had the year before for English was also the teacher of this class, and having conversations with her more easily through this class was oftentimes entertaining and interesting; it was also so nice having that be my last class of the day because I got to relax and I’d always see my crush in the hallway beforehand
• Leaving study hall to go to the library and talk with my friend: she was a senior when I was a junior, so she had open campus and would hang out in the library, and we would talk nonstop the whole hour, and it was nice getting to know her like that
• All the extra credit I wound up in English playing vocabulary review games: I won basically every time, so then she gave me extra credit, and I’m pretty sure my whole class hated me; near the end I had like a 120% in the class
• A note my counselor gave me: after the counselor I had my freshman year retired, I had a new counselor who I also hit it off with, and she was always so nice and on top of things for me, and during my junior year I got a note from her that was specific to what I had been going through, and it came at a time when I really needed to see something like that
• Making pancakes in our seminar when we didn’t have anything else to do: my teacher would let us plan this out and use his classroom to do this, which was a lot of fun for me to eat, and I ended up really liking my seminar teacher because this year when our seminars got switched, I saw him on my first day and he remembered me and thought that was too bad I was leaving his since they switched mine; he genuinely cared
• A note from my favorite English teacher: I got to know one of my English teachers particularly well because I took so many clases with her, and she took the time to write out notes for each of her students at the end of our first trimester of English with her, and the note she wrote for me was so nice and something I’ll cherish
• Talking to another of my smart older friends in Chemistry: I loved Chemistry simply because I would get to talk with her, and she saved my grade the first trimester I took Chemistry because she was always helping explain the concepts to me, which in Chemistry were so hard for me to wrap my head around for some reason
• The last day of my junior year: ended up being the day we were headed on spring break, only we never returned because of the pandemic, but it was actually one of my favorite days: easygoing, got to talk with a lot of different people I was befriending, and I saw my crush and ended on a very good note with him
• The online English projects I had to do during the end of junior year: I put a lot of these off until the end, but when I got them in, I received good grades and both of my English teachers gave me such praise and were so understanding, and I genuinely did enjoy doing the projects; it was my own fault I waited until the night before everything was due to submit my research, script, and video haha but it still worked out, and I actually did that up at my grandparents’ house when my family went up there for a weekend, and I was planning on going back, too, but then I got to stay for a couple weeks, which was the perfect way for me to renew my mind, and it allowed me a quiet, cozy environment to finish all my work
• When my chemistry teacher gave me perfect scores on all my online work: I am pretty sure I did not get all the questions right for everything I submitted, so I think he gave me the credit just for doing it, which I actually really appreciated because I was seriously trying to understand it all, and who knows, maybe I really did answer everything right, which if I did, my friend from the first trimester’s help paid off haha
• Every single time a teacher or other staff member greeted me and said my name: such a little thing, but it would seriously make my day every time and ease the pain of not belonging that I felt, so it really wasn’t that little to me at all
• Having my junior and senior meetings with my counselor: she was so fun and easy to talk to, very knowledgable about everything, and she believed in me and my future plans and said she was excited for me, which was SO good for me to hear as more often than not I felt anxious about my future rather than excited, and she also went above and beyond for me this year with filling out recommendations on my behalf for scholarships in a timely manner, which I so appreciate—one of my favorite teachers from middle school was also so good about doing that for me, too
• Doing a job shadow/interview with my older friend in high school my freshman year: this was back when I was interested in psychology and my friend was still at the high school (she was a senior) and was interested in a career like that as well, so we both got to meet with this woman from the college together and ask her questions about it, and she was so nice, and it was a gift to share the experience with my friend since we didn’t have any classes together or anything else where we could hang out at school together
• Driving myself to the high school for my first day of senior year: that was such a liberating thing for me to finally do before I graduated, and I got to take Mom’s car, which was so much nicer than any car I would’ve had myself, so I loved listening to music and just relaxing while I drove between all the things I had to do; PLUS I got to see my crush in the parking lot and fulfill that fantasy as I talked about earlier, which was totally worth it

• Chilling at home with my dog: I still had work to do, especially during this first semester, but I loved all the time to myself once I finished everything I needed to do, and Willy was such a good buddy to have
• Going in for PE during the warm days: I loved getting to go in and workout (my only high school class!) and then change back into cute summer clothes and enjoy the drive home especially to cool off—my crush even held the door for me one day when I went in haha
• Going in at night for my statistics college course: while this could sometimes be boring, I do have to give a MAJOR shout-out to my teacher as I have never had a math teacher so thorough, clear, and helpful when teaching material; I found this class so much easier than I expected, which I credit a huge part to her teaching, and plus I just loved driving home at night or dusk; there’s something about that that speaks to my soul

• Getting A’s on all my first semester dual-credit college course finals: my first semester was very hectic and time-consuming, so seeing all the hard work pay off and God helping me through was so rewarding
• Receiving Iowa State scholarships: so far I received two scholarships related to the things I’ve worked on most throughout high school and that best represent me: one for academics and the other based on my writing of an essay over my family’s financial struggles; I am so thankful to have received both of these as they both are a good chunk of money and reduce the amount of money I would’ve had to borrow per year by about half

• Receiving a senior package at school: earlier this fall, they were giving out these little paper bags to each senior full of various candies and snacks, which was so sweet and much enjoyed haha
• Every single thoughtful gesture, kind word, and person who reached out to me over the course of my high school career: seriously, it has all meant more to me than you know; it is true that you often don’t know the battles a person is facing, and while mine were mostly internal that I kept pretty well to myself, God used every single kind thing done to me to keep me going, to remind me of His love, and to encourage me when life felt unbearable; thank you all so much

Songs That Encouraged Me

If you’re still following this novel—thank you so much—now I will finally wrap this up by sharing the songs that helped me throughout this time of life. I hope through these posts, you’ve seen not just the loneliness or pain I felt but the hope and faith God gave me through it. As I mentioned right away in my first post, this series wasn’t designed to trash on anyone or anything like that, but I did want to honestly share what I had been through and my feelings about it so that I could show the growth that took place in me throughout it. Music has been such a lifeline for me and a way that I can draw closer to God and be encouraged by Him. When I had anxiety or just to unwind, music was and still is my favorite way to relax. With that being said, here are a few songs in particular that helped me feel less alone and less stressed about the pain of it all:

• “The Middle” by Jimmy Eat World: I found this song early in my high school career, and I guess if I had to pick one overarching song that described my thoughts best and encouraged me in this time of my life the most, it would be this one. The lyrics reminded me of things my family had told me, and they were relevant to feeling abandoned/left out with peers. It’s a very catchy, upbeat song with lyrics that gave me hope above all; this song was also huge in helping me with my anxiety by helping me look at that season of my life more as just a stepping stone along the journey, one that would eventually pass and not affect the good of my future. This is definitely top of the list and what comes to mind as to what song helped me the most. I highly, highly recommend listening to this one.
• “Written in the Scars” by The Script: this is another song I thought of as an anthem for myself; I also found this one in my freshman year. I have several The Script songs in my library, and I love them for their emotion and poignant tracks, and this is definitely one of those except much more upbeat and empowering. I definitely imagined myself singing this to everyone haha, and it has such a good message in line with everything I’ve always believed. Definitely a good track to jam to and hang in there with.
• “What You Want” by Tenth Avenue North: this song is VERY relatable to my thoughts I had all throughout high school, and this is specifically a Christian song, so it definitely has good messages. This one would always help melt my anxiety, desires, and need for control away and perfectly describes the bliss and need to surrender to Him. It’s one of those things you should keep on repeat and have at the forefront of your mind, as it’s a reminder I need constantly.
• Anything by Scripture Lullabies: oh my gosh, I need to make a whole post about them and my favorite tracks from them, but essentially these are exactly what they are called: the most beautifully done songs/lullabies with lyrics right from Scripture. The music and singing are phenomenal. I listen to these every night before bed, and I listen to them quite a bit beyond that, too, as they are truly so heartfelt, so encouraging, so intensely beautiful, magical works of art that bring the Bible to life, like there is nothing not to love about them. There’s so much crap out there that passes as music, but these are literal masterpieces. Quality is definitely not an issue, and it’s so nice that to think these melting melodies go along with the most wholesome, inspiring lyrics because they are Scripture. As I said, I’m going to make a post with my favorites even though I have them all in my library, but here are just a few especially encouraging for my high school season: “I Will Never Leave You,” “Be Still and Know,” “I Can Do All Things,” “Strength of My Heart,” “Come to Me,” and “Let Not Your Heart Be Troubled.”
• “Maybe It’s Ok” by We Are Messengers: this is another beautiful Christian track that focuses on the beauty through pain and like its title says: that it’s okay to hurt and not always feel okay at times. This was my anthem and hope through some of the darkest times during sophomore year, and it’s still special and encouraging to me. The lyrics are very good.
• “Something Better” by Audien and Lady A: I’ve had this song as one of my favorites since I found it back in middle school, but this one was especially good for me to focus on and listen to again and again throughout high school—it’s about knowing your mate is out there and knowing you’ll find him amidst the heartache you can feel in the mean time.
• “Cold Water” by Major Lazer, Justin Bieber, and MO: these lyrics aren’t quite as wholesome as the other songs (it’s a pop track), BUT I found myself coming back to this again and again also throughout a lot of the trials my family went through when I was in 10th grade. I just like the honesty and vulnerability of it, the raw view of the pain life can bring. It’s also in the perspective of a romantic partner willing to be there with someone through their trials (the “cold water”), and romantic relationships always make me think of God because marriage is a reflection of His love and relationship with us, so it still would make me think of how if I can want a guy who does this for me, how much more does God already do this for me. I just love this one, its beat, voices, and concepts.
• “Cast My Cares” by Finding Favour: this is another song I found towards the end of my sophomore year when my anxiety about family matters and also my whole life and future in general seemed paralyzing, as well as all the pain I brought on myself with hockey guy oh gosh… This song has such a soothing, transcending melody with the words I needed to pray and focus on again and again.
• “Breakthrough” by Megan Larson: my friend Megan’s amazing song!!!!! She did an absolutely fabulous job; this song is SO well done—her stunning voice, the extremely relatable and powerful lyrics, and an awesome, fun beat to top it all off. I told her I’m using this in one of my movies someday if she’ll let me. This was one of my favorites to help me especially during sophomore year as well, and I’m still in love with it.
• “The Cure” by Unspoken: if ever I have found a song that perfectly sums up my life/blog/writing mission, it would be this one. A beautiful, moving song about the brokenness of people and the hope through it all. I remember just quietly jamming to this in study hall my sophomore year as wall, probably staring at walls and thinking of how much this fueled the fire in me to share Him with the world, but also to run to Him myself and let Him heal my own brokenness.
• “You’ll Never Be Alone” by Capital Kings: it’s amazing how I do remember many of these songs with a specific grade and season in high school and how they correspond perfectly to them. I found this song the beginning of my junior year, and I remember listening to this in study hall when I would feel distant from God because I was still lonely and struggling to make sense of the pain and His purpose through it, but this song was so encouraging and has a fantastic beat. It reminded me to focus on Him yet again, to keep going to Him with it and have hope regardless of how things look now.
• “I Just Wanna Shine” by Fitz and The Tantrums: I heard this on my dad and brother’s obnoxious NHL video game, but it was the one song I actually liked on there, and when I listened to the lyrics, it automatically became my anthem throughout junior year. The lyrics were so relatable to my desires I had to do good in the future but the stress I had upon waiting for it and being confined where I was in time. It’s so upbeat and catchy with underlying serious, relatable lyrics, so I definitely had it on repeat.
• “Prayed for You” by Matt Stell: I fell in love with this song when I heard it; it’s simply beautiful and gives me so much hope about my future husband. My mom also listened to it and said it reminded her of me—she has it as her ringtone for me—and it was something I HAD to remember when I would feel anxiety about my future husband. I especially like the lyrics that mention continuing to pray despite heartbreak and hopelessness and keeping the faith above all. The lyrics are deep and profound and match the thoughts I’ve always held about praying for my future husband, AND IF ANYONE HAS A WAY TO GET GOOD TICKETS TO SEE HIM AT THE STATE FAIR THIS SUMMER AND WANTS TO TAKE ME I WOULD LOVE YOU FOREVER.
• “Control (Somehow You Want Me)” by Tenth Avenue North: Mom heard this at church and told me it reminded her of me as well, and the lyrics were definitely what I needed to hear and be reminded of. This is a very good song that helps me to remember to let go as well as the main reason why I can do so confidently: because of His love for me. If I believe that He loves me more than anyone else—and He does—then there’s no reason why I can’t trust Him with my life and release my grip on trying to control things, which I tried to do constantly my junior year.
• “Haven’t Seen It Yet” by Danny Gokey: I heard this at work one day this year and immediately fell in love. THE. LYRICS. They are perfect for my situation and feelings because it’s all about believing Him even when you haven’t seen the deliverance and relief you’re waiting for yet. It’s hard to describe just how much they mean to me, but I definitely recommend listening to this one; it does not disappoint, it’s very powerful and life-changing.
• “Patient” by Apollo LTD: I just heard this song on the radio a couple months ago and fell in love with it. The beat, the lyrics, they’re perfect. Since I’m always learning how to be patient, this song could not have been better for me to hear. I love jamming to this one while driving and just remembering it when I feel down. I’m not fond of learning about patience, but this song is truly such a good anthem for that. It does encourage me to wait, even when I don’t like it.
• “Sparrows” by Cory Asbury: I have never found a song that literally diminishes my worries as I listen to it, but this one has done just that, several times. The lyrics are eloquent yet simple in that you can’t argue with them and their truth (many are based on Scripture), and the beat is catchy and relaxing. When I would get stressed about things I had to do in the future or weighed down with anxiety, this song was a game-changer in helping me refocus on the present moment and the faithfulness of God.
• “Chosen” by Sidewalk Prophets: this is another song that captivated me through its catchy beat when I heard it on the Christian radio station I listen to while driving. The lyrics echo many of the things I’ve said throughout these posts and that were very relevant to my personal feelings throughout high school. It’s an encouraging song that gives me such peace and contentment in my heart with who I am as His and the life He’s blessed me with. He’s spoken to me through these words multiple times while I’m just gliding down the highway by myself, and those words have helped the truth sink in to me.

I have more, but 18 songs later, I better stop. These were definitely the main ones, but stay tuned for more on all the songs that have inspired me and that help me. I promise I won’t include as many quotes, but I do want to share some that inspired me through feeling lonely, especially feeling lonely about being lonely (meaning I felt like not a lot of my peers were in the same boat as me). These quotes reminded me that loneliness isn’t the worst thing in the world and all the good that can come from it and the pain of being left out. I will also dedicate a whole post to quotes on being alone in the future, too, so be on the lookout for that.

Quotes That Inspired Me

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* “If a man wants to be used by God, he cannot spend all of his time with people.” ~A.W. Tozer  *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” ~C.S. Lewis *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* “If they’re not helping you grow, grow alone” *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* “If your path is more difficult, it’s because your calling is higher” *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* “The one who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the crowd. The one who walks alone, is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been.” ~Albert Einstein *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* “You are not invisible they are blind.” *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* “A woman who knows what she brings to the table is not afraid to eat alone.” *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

Thank you all so, so much for reading, whether you actually read all three books or just skimmed parts of them. It means so much to me and I’m so thankful I’ve had you on part of this journey with me. I hope through some of the things I’ve learned through trials, it can inspire you to draw nearer to God and find your life in Him. He is what it’s all about and whose faithfulness and character I aim to magnify through sharing my own stories. Thanks for being part of them!