Nothing pushed me out of my comfort zone quite like learning to drive did, and that actually took me by surprise. For years I would always imagine myself being a good driver, and I looked forward to when that was part of my life. For some reason, though, things started to change when I actually began the process of learning to drive.
I got my permit shortly after I turned of age for it after failing the test the first time. Maybe the fact that I failed the test right away even after practicing bothered me, but I passed it the second time and was able to obtain my permit. It was that summer, I believe, where I began learning to drive. The first time was on our gravel road, which overwhelmed me because there were so many things I felt like I had to keep track of—maintaining speed, being careful on gravel to not get caught in the ditch, making careful turns, etc. I began realizing that I had a lot to learn that didn’t just come intuitively; it was not going to be as easy as I thought.
My dad then took me out to practice later on that summer. He was not afraid to just have me do all sorts of things, which is when I almost took us out on the interstate because I didn’t realize you don’t just shoot out to the fast lane once you merge. Still, I think he thought I had been doing a good job, and every now and then over the years I would drive with my family to places, but it didn’t happen often. I procrastinated with taking Driver’s Ed until my parents made me in the fall of my sophomore year, where I could get my license that winter. I went through all of that, which went pretty good, except during my final drive, we also had to merge on the interstate, and I had a frightening moment where there was nonstop traffic so I couldn’t merge, and my instructor was telling me not to stop, either, so I felt like I didn’t know what to do, and it was a terrible feeling, and then finally I was able to merge, although I don’t know if my brain was just on auto pilot at that time because I don’t even remember really looking to make sure it was okay to merge, I just did it. It was frightening, though; I was embarrassed and disoriented. Even though I still passed, when my mom picked me up, I sobbed. The emotion and stress of it all just caught up with me.
It was the fact that I had always envisioned myself being such a natural driver and my tendency for perfectionism that I began to fear and avoid driving rather than embrace and enjoy it like I’d wanted to. Every time I made a mistake, such as on the interstate during my test, I wouldn’t be able to just get over it. I would always think of how much worse things could have been and why I wasn’t qualified to be driving, even though legally I was. I didn’t feel like I was a good driver or even a safe driver unless I wasn’t making mistakes, so I just avoided driving for fear of doing that. It was not a good feeling because my sense of autonomy, independence, and worth decreased as a result. That may seem silly to place all those feelings just on driving, and I agree that what you do and don’t accomplish shouldn’t define your worth, but it was hard for me not to feel that way because where I live, driving is the primary means of transportation. It would be a huge struggle to not be able to drive on my own eventually, and plus, as I looked around me, I saw how all of my peers were driving themselves and didn’t seem worried about it at all. I began feeling bad about feeling bad towards driving, too.
There were a couple big milestones I did have with driving during this phase of insecurity, and that was during the summer after I got my license, I did some driving up to my grandparents’ house just on one of the divided highways. It really did scare me, though; I remember getting these weird sensations I’ve gotten like when my blood sugar tanks where my vision gets funky and I feel all tingly. I also made a mistake once we got off the highway where I was behind a semi at a stop sign, and once the semi went, so did I, just ignoring the stop sign… It was fine because nothing was coming, but it was little things like that where I was like, how could I mess that up? I should know that just because the semi goes doesn’t mean I can; it’s a stop sign, not a green traffic light at a stop. Then I would remind myself of why I shouldn’t be driving because even though this time nobody was there, what if there was next time and I made the same mistake?
Overall, though, my mom said I did good; she was the only one I was with at the time. I felt good about it, but I always remembered the mistakes I made, like at the stop sign. I probably drove sporadically until that Christmas when the three of us were going up to Estherville, and I ended up driving nearly the whole way. That was probably the biggest boost to my confidence because I didn’t make too many mistakes then, and I was getting more familiar with maintaining my speed, being around traffic, and stuff like that. It nerved me out at first; I even shed a tear or so, but it did turn out well.
It wasn’t until the following spring when the pandemic hit that something shifted in me. I don’t even know what it was; I realize in hindsight it was God’s perfect timing and preparing me, but during the pandemic when Mom and I would run errands in town, I just began volunteering to drive us, which meant I gained lots of practice because I was doing it almost daily. I didn’t know what suddenly made me want to drive all the time, but I began realizing that I would drive maybe once every couple of months, feel good about it at the time, and then not drive for a long period of time again, and I would never build confidence that way because then every time I got back behind the wheel, I felt that tremendous sense of anxiety again because I wasn’t familiar with it; I felt like I had to learn how to do it all over again simply because I wasn’t doing it consistently enough.
There were days with Mom I did almost perfect, and then I had days where I would make some mistakes, too. What I had to realize, though, is that making mistakes doesn’t make me a bad driver. There are bad drivers out there, but cheesy as it sounds, just like in the real world, what matters is what you do consistently and after you make mistakes. Do you learn from them? Are you seeking improvement? There’s a lot of people who are bad drivers because they don’t care about what they do, but the problem for me came because I was caring too much, to the point where I was conscious of every little thing I did wrong and let it derail my confidence. But everyone makes mistakes, including with driving. I had a lot of respect for my parents as competent drivers, but there were times I still witnessed them make mistakes. I knew they weren’t bad drivers; they just happened to make mistakes from time to time because nobody can be perfect at everything all the time. Realizing that they could still make mistakes gave me permission to let myself make them, too, without writing myself off as a bad, unsafe, or incompetent driver. I began learning from them. I never not stopped for a stop sign again, haha. I began to figure out how to slow down properly for lights so I wasn’t slamming on the brakes once they changed or something like that, even though from time to time I still do run lights or stop a little too suddenly because I hesitate, but it’s not nearly as much of a consistency as it used to be, and again, it happens because I can’t be perfect 100% of the time.
On that note with mistakes, it’s worth mentioning that my fear of making mistakes wasn’t all because of my perfectionism, even though that was a huge part of it. There was also a lot of it stemming from anxiety, although now I realize that goes hand in hand with perfectionism because what happened is that I thought I needed to make zero mistakes to be totally safe, and if I did make a mistake, then something terrible might happen. The thing about driving, too, is that you can’t really brush it off like you might with other things that you mess up because with driving, it really can be life or death; you really could kill yourself or someone else. That always hung in the back of my mind, so when I did make mistakes and survive, I would tell myself, well, you might have gotten lucky this time, but who’s to say you won’t make a life-threatening mistake? And the thing is, I wish I could assure you that you never would, but I can’t because that’s part of the unknown and risk of life.
And that’s just it. With anything you do, you never have a guarantee about anything. You can’t control everything as much as you might like to, and you can’t eliminate the potential for risk completely, either, no matter how cautious you are. That’s part of living in a sinful world. However, I began realizing that my constant fear of making mistakes wasn’t protecting me or keeping me safe, either, because instead I was all the more nervous and not confident in my abilities. With driving, you have to be able to relax. You can’t think of everything that might go wrong. All you can do is your best to follow laws and make careful decisions. You have to learn to put your fears in perspective when you can’t eliminate them completely. It helped me to reframe my perspective by thinking of all the mistakes I made, not to think of how much worse things could have been, but that I survived them. If the circumstances were different, maybe I wouldn’t have, but I did. No one else got hurt. I didn’t get in trouble with the law. Knowing that helped me put them in perspective, not to be a reckless driver and ignore all the laws, but to realize that though I had made mistakes, I still have the opportunity to learn from them because nothing serious did happen. That’s also where trust in God is crucial. Being fearful of hurting yourself or someone else actually makes you a worse driver because you’re that much more anxious and in your head, overthinking everything. You have to trust Him to be with you, let go of what you can’t control, and then trust Him to help you, and do what you can to drive responsibly and well. When you take that approach and do it consistently, it will increase your confidence.
Perhaps that’s been the most amazing part of this journey for me, seeing how God has been faithful and developed me through it all. He’s never left me, and He’s prepared me perfectly. As I was driving around much more frequently and consistently in the spring, eventually I did reach a point where I felt confident in my abilities. I was also at my grandparents’ for a couple weeks in the summer, and my grandpa let me drive his car around town with my grandma and cousin, so I was doing that almost daily, too. However, the idea of driving by myself still terrified me. I knew eventually I was just going to have to do it, that it really wouldn’t be as daunting as I had it portrayed in my head once I was actually doing it, and that I would feel so much better once I did. Later that summer, an opportunity presented itself when I had to go in early and take the ACT at my high school. My mom asked if I would want to go in myself because then I could just come home afterwards and wouldn’t have to worry about waiting for her to come get me (we live aways from town). I’d always admired the freedom upperclassmen had in that when they were done with school, they could just leave, or they could go do something and come back. I always felt stuck, so I knew being able to control my own schedule would be great. I was nervous, but I told myself not to worry about it. I knew God would be with me and that it would go well and I’d be thankful that I had.
It felt great, finally conquering that idea of it being hard. I also finally began to enjoy driving on my own, the sights I could take in, the quiet time to think, and my favorite music as background noise. The next time I drove myself was to an ortho appointment, and from there, I didn’t have much doubt about my abilities anymore. It ended up being a huge blessing that I gained confidence and competence when I did because just that August, I would need to drive my brother to practice while my parents worked, and with the way their schedules were in the fall as well as mine, I needed to have the car since I would have various places to go, so I would drive them in and then pick them up. It’s crazy for me to still think I can do that when a year or two ago I would have been appalled by the idea. God has been so faithful in working out each detail to the minute; He truly is never early or late. Everything happened exactly when it needed to and when it was best for all of us.
I also finally got to experience some of that autonomy my senior year during the first trimester when I did have a class at the high school. I was able to drive myself, which felt great, and I also fulfilled some of those cheesy fantasies I used to have when I rode the bus home back in middle school of me being a good driver and seeing my crush in the parking lot and driving around him, haha. God was so faithful to bless me with that, too, to have it come full circle like that. Things just take time, and that’s okay. He knows your own journey and when it’s best for you to accomplish or experience certain things. I was definitely a late bloomer in the driving world compared to most of my peers, but it doesn’t matter because that was best for my unique circumstances, and it all worked out in the end. I had that much greater appreciation for it, and it has been something I continue to marvel at and praise God for when I drive. I love that time to be still with Him, take in His creation, and just praise Him for everything. Knowing that it once scared me so much when I do it with such ease now is also so rewarding to reflect on, to know God brought me through it all and truly did help me do anything.
Two other milestones I had over this recent year that helped me a ton and I thank Him all the more for was when I went to see my dad at his work because I was going alone, and I had to be on that busy interstate I hated for awhile, and I’d NEVER driven on the interstate by myself. I just prayed the entire time, keeping my mind focused and relaxed despite the nerves it definitely brought me. I knew God would help me do it, that I’d just take my time, and that I knew what to do this time. When I went to merge, while the traffic wasn’t that bad, I actually did have to slow down for a semi to go by first, but it went great. I didn’t panic like the horrible situation in Driver’s Ed. After that, it was so much easier for me to relax while I was on the interstate. I also knew how to navigate the fast lane and used that several times, and truly after I did that, I felt like I could do about anything. I was so thankful to God and knew that He would always be with me no matter where I drive. I also had to go across the mile-long bridge over Red Rock, which I was worried might spook me, but that wasn’t that bad at all, either. When I went home, I was actually able to glance around a little bit and feel comfortable with that.
The other thing I did that I never wanted to, anyway, was getting comfortable with Dad’s truck. I’ve never liked driving trucks because of the space they take up, which can make them more difficult to navigate around traffic, but this year, my parents have relied on me to take their vehicles in for oil changes, so eventually I had to drive Dad’s truck and not just drive it, but also take it in for an oil change. I was definitely nervous about that. Even though I had driven my dad’s truck before, it usually wasn’t around traffic like in town or to take my brother to school. Once again, though, it went great. The truck actually wasn’t as massive as I remembered it to be, and I had no problems orienting myself in it. It took a bit of time to adjust to the differences in time with the braking and accelerating, as that tends to be different on every vehicle, but it was super easy to get the feel of, too. I’ve now done errands in town using Dad’s truck as well and have taken it in for a couple oil changes.
So that’s currently where I’m at on this journey. It may seem silly that I appreciate it so much, but almost every time that I drive, I’m so thankful to God that I can and that I can do it well and that He’s brought me so far. I live in rural Iowa, so obviously I haven’t conquered all there is to driving; I still haven’t driven in Des Moines yet, and someday I feel like I’ll need to drive in Chicago, which seems terrifying, but again, everything in its timing, when God sees it’s fit for me to do so. He’ll let me know when that is and prepare me just as well for it. Mom always says to cross that bridge when we get there, which drives me nuts but it’s true. There embarrassingly enough used to be a time when I was nervous just to get the mail or take the garbage down with my brother, but that just shows how growth is possible. God knows when that needs to happen and will direct it all as it should be.
What season of life are you in? I hope you can be inspired to be still and wait on God, to know that He does have good plans for you, a unique journey that you’re on, and He knows how to prepare it best for you. Try not to get so caught up in when things need to happen or get down on yourself. Seek His will, take your desires and needs to Him, and submit to Him, and He will guide you through all of it, including something as seemingly minuscule as learning to drive.
