I will say right off the bat that I don’t know if “art” was the right word for this, but it’s no secret that “trends” and “times are changing”…but not for the better, not only in my opinion but in God’s, Who knows us and what we need more than any “cultural shift,” and also what research is beginning to show and even common sense/conscience. God has placed morality and goodness in our hearts just like He has eternity; we might try to rebel against our feelings based on what culture deems good, but deep down, we know—or we pretend not to care and try to bury our souls.

This may sound a bit dramatic, but maybe that’s the point—because our culture has gotten way too casual with sex. I haven’t been around for a super long time, but I’ve learned about different time periods in our history as a nation and the shift in perspective that the recent decades have brought when it comes to love, sex, dating, and marriage. Obviously, premarital sex and other forms of sexual immorality have existed from the beginning of time as long as sin has been around, and the world goes through varying seasons of redemption and depravity. I’m very pleased to be coming up in an age of record depravity, you could argue, for our nation!! But all our rebellion against God and His values only further solidifies my desire to remain bold for Him.

I can see with my own two eyes that dating is a hot, hot mess right now, and actually that’s putting it too nicely; what constitutes as “relationships” now are mostly an ugly mess or, as my brother would say, a total dumpster fire. Some of the stuff I was talking about eight years ago on why young teenagers shouldn’t date definitely holds true even now; you can tell that advice isn’t preached enough. But as I talk about in my video blog series, which I will be releasing the first part for hopefully this weekend, I think when it comes to a lot of cultural “values” or lack thereof, the tides are starting to change because people realize we’re lonelier and more heartbroken and depraved than ever.

I want to talk about why waiting not just for sex in marriage but also for the intense emotional attachment people tend to go all in with is much better suited to your soul because that’s how God designed it. I think for most people, they might start out thinking they want to save sex for marriage because it seems like the right thing to do, but they don’t actually know why they’re saving it for marriage so they resent God and cave into temptation as soon as the opportunity arises because peer pressure and their own hormones and emotions tell them that’s what’s best and that waiting isn’t necessary or, worse, it’s harmful. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Why Save Sex for and Have Boundaries Before Marriage?

Let’s start with the obvious—because God commands it—before we dive into WHY He commands it. He’s not doing it to “oppress” you or “shame” your sexuality like the current sex positivity garbage teaches, and unfortunately, “Christians” (I put in parentheses because obviously not everyone bearing that name is actually saved, but it’s very possible there were true Christians who nevertheless ignorantly contributed false messages) over the years have taught some things about sexuality that don’t actually align with what is biblical and God’s clear plan for sexuality, which is still happening today but on the other extreme. We’ll digest that, too, and hopefully by the end of this post, you will know why you’re waiting for this. You won’t be motivated to hold out for something if you don’t understand its value, and that’s what this post is aiming to do.

God Commands It and Doesn’t Withhold Any Good Thing

A lot of people might think they don’t want to wait to have sex until marriage because it’s too great of an experience to wait for or miss out on, but when you take it out of the context God designed it for, you’re reducing its value. A lot of people have misconceptions about God and His commands, thinking He doesn’t want us to have fun and is anti-pleasure, but that’s ridiculous because Who gave us the desire for pleasure? We think of God as being some entirely spiritual being with no attachment to the body or world, and Randy Alcorn talks about this way of thinking in his wonderful book, Heaven. God the Father is Spirit, but Jesus, God the Son incarnate, was a physical being just like us. He created us as physical people in His image. It is because God designed our bodies and their sexual functioning that He commands us to save this powerful experience for marriage.

I think the following verses are best for illustrating this concept and why sex before marriage is off limits:

Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.

1 Corinthians 6:18-20 ESV

Here are a couple other verses that clearly spell out God’s will for us in saving sex for marriage and in honoring our bodies while we wait—purity is not just about saving sex for marriage but also includes other forms of sexual immorality like lustful thinking, watching/reading porn, or masturbation, for example.

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable…

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 NIV

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

Hebrews 13:4 NIV

Now, you have to be careful here because some Christians, especially throughout history, have taken these warnings to mean that sex as a whole is something dirty and shameful, even within marriage, and to keep it pure, it should only be done for procreation and even then as “innocently” as possible (making up things about what positions are okay and the like…), but these verses do not call sex bad. Look at the high value it puts on our bodies—they are a temple of the Holy Spirit, we can glorify God in our bodies, holy and honorable, and pure. These aren’t restrictions on all sexual activity but show that sex is something sacred, holy, and honoring to the Lord in the way He designed it through marriage. It’s not to be taken lightly.

We can see some of the reasons why God doesn’t want us to have sex before marriage, and it’s important to realize that He doesn’t confine it to marriage to punish us. His heart towards us isn’t to withhold good things; His Word literally says that:

For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
    the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
    from those whose walk is blameless.

Psalm 84:11 NIV

The devil is a master at getting us to settle and think waiting for a God-honoring marriage and relationship and sex life is not worth it, tempting us in a myriad of ways through peer pressure, FOMO, and cultural acceptance of crap. From the beginning, we’ve never been good at hearing God say no, and the devil has taught us to question God’s character when He does that as if He’s withholding things out of spite. This was the original sin! God commanded Adam and Eve not to eat the fruit of one tree in the garden, and Satan told them God said that because He knew they would become like Him, insinuating that God was just trying to keep them in the dark…when He was PROTECTING them from the dark!!!

Recognize that all of these desires ultimately come from Him. We were made in His image, so to know that and then think He isn’t like us or incompatible with us isn’t true. We are created with desires for relationship, marriage, and sex because of HIM. I share this verse a lot, but it’s worth repeating in this context:

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Psalm 37:4 NIV

He doesn’t want to withhold your desires, but He does want you to have the right desires for things that will bless you and have a healthy, fulfilling relationship with Him so you can be at your best for the things He desires to bring into your life.

Understanding How and Why God Created Sex Makes All the Difference

There are three main purposes of sex, but you could argue there are more. Obviously, we know it’s designed for procreation, but what many people may not realize that contributes to a lot of the shameful rhetoric is how in Genesis 1:28, God spells out His design for us being made in His image, marrying, and multiplying BEFORE Adam and Eve sinned. Sex was not something that came about as a result of sin; it was created to be a good, holy thing from the beginning.

God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it….’

Genesis 1:28 NIV

Song of Solomon is a book in the Old Testament of the Bible all about marital sex and the couple’s enjoyment of it. I recommend reading that book if you haven’t already; it’s fairly short—I wish it was longer for a Bible book on sex; it’s only eight chapters. It spells out in pretty graphic metaphors the beauty of sex in marriage. It’s funny because when I first read the Bible all the way through, I was 12 years old and I was using this tween Bible with some commentary, and it said that book was steamy. I was like oh, we’ll just see about that, and I was so disappointed because I didn’t understand ANY of the metaphors. It’s not from our era so some of the metaphors do seem a little odd, but you can find some good commentary on them, and needless to say, I can read between the lines now! It’s probably a good thing it went right over my head when I was 12 because oh my gosh, the things it alludes to are pretty intense for a 12-year-old to know, haha. This book highlights the second main purpose: pleasure. Yes, God does delight in our getting pleasure out of sex in marriage. There isn’t any mention of procreation in this book and it’s part of the Bible! I’m not going to quote any of the sexual verses here because the whole book is filled with them—you can read it on your own time; there would just be too many. Instead, I want to look at some of the renowned sex passages in the New Testament.

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 NIV

This passage in one of Paul’s letters to the Corinthian church has a lot to unpack but introduces a third big purpose: intimacy. Also, note the equality in this passage: both spouses are to go out of their way to meet the other’s need for sex. I hope you know enough about what true Christian love is and how this passage isn’t condoning a sort of dominance or manipulation into coercing your spouse to meet all your needs; this same book spells out what true love looks like! But it is illustrating that concept of sacrificial selflessness and always trying to serve one another in marriage, which is how God designed it. This verse literally encourages married people to keep having sex unless they are devoting themselves to prayer!! Obviously, there can be the physical desire to have sex in a marriage, but this could also show the emotional intimacy, too. That’s why when people cheat, usually it’s for bigger, more complex issues than just not getting sex or things like that; there are emotional reasons behind all that, which then affects a couple’s sex life.

But in fact God has placed the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.

1 Corinthians 12:16 NIV

I found this verse searching for a different passage, leaving no doubt that there are no “dirty” parts of us and that our sexual functioning exists because God designed it that way.

Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.

1 Corinthians 6:16-17 NIV

These are the verses precluding the ones I first shared about fleeing sexual immorality and shows the unity aspect of sex, how God designed it to be bonding in both body and spirit. God designed us as physical AND spiritual beings. You can’t rip one away from the other despite what this culture thinks.

Lastly, I’ll share these verses from Proverbs, the book on WISDOM and righteous living and what it says about sex…

May your fountain be blessed,
    and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer—
    may her breasts satisfy you always,
    may you ever be intoxicated with her love.

Proverbs 5:18-19 NIV

Still using metaphors, but that leaves little to the imagination. Solomon is the one who wrote both Proverbs and Song of Songs/Solomon, and he was known as one of the wisest men who ever lived (1 Kings 3:12). There’s one more big metaphor that Paul shares in Ephesians, which is that a godly marriage and sex life is symbolic of God’s love for and relationship with us.

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:22-33 NIV

This is another lengthy, moderately complex passage to unpack, and you may have read it before when studying God’s design for marriage; it’s pretty well-known. There are some remarkable insights in here, though, and I’m sure you can see where people could twist it out of context for malicious reasons, but that is where knowing Christ and His character is so important. For example, a lot of women nowadays have a hard time with the part on wives submitting to their husbands in everything just as the church submits to Christ. That’s because a lot of us, unfortunately, have had negative experiences with men who can be controlling, narcissistic, and manipulative. Well, Jesus was none of those things—He was and is literally perfect—and you’ll notice the calling on men to love their wives just as He loves His church, which is the most sacrificial, selfless, and captivating love there is! If ever a husband should try to use these verses to say do what I want, he is automatically not acting out Christ’s love, but it is very important that these verses are highlighting the mutuality of the husband and wife loving and respecting each other. You can’t have a relationship without both.

Now, you’ll notice the overarching metaphor of marriage and the unique submitting/loving relationship between husband and wife that Paul says is a profound mystery really pointing to Christ’s saving love for us, His church. This means that even the special sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is symbolic of this relationship.

It is so important to recognize that sex is ours as Christians, not something the world owns that we also partake in. No, it was ours from the beginning as these verses have illustrated. The world took it from us and perverted it with the introduction of sin. You’ll also see that it is not biblical to teach sex in marriage is bad at all, and I love John Piper’s articles on Desiring God about this, how even when he was addressing how far is too far before marriage, he made the point in starting with sex being good and not starting the post out with warnings or that sex is bad. You have to see it as good or you’ll never value it enough to wait for it. These verses also illustrate why self-indulgence is bad because it strips the physical aspects of sex from the intimacy and unity it was designed for.

One of the best, most comprehensive sermons I’ve ever been blessed to hear on sex came from a Salt Company service in Ames, and the pastor shared the concept of fire as an EXCELLENT analogy for why we don’t engage in sex out of God’s plan. Fire can be a beautiful, majestic sight, like having it controlled and contained in a fireplace on a cold evening, but we also have seen how vast, powerful, and destructive fire can be when it’s started in forests and the far-reaching damage it can do. The same is true for sex! Here is the one verse I’m going to share from Song of Solomon that none of us single people like:

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you by the gazelles and by the does of the field: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.

Song of Songs 2:7 NIV

This same phrase of not awakening love until it desires is repeated in 3:5 and 8:4, emphasizing the importance of it. We may not like to hear this, but it is true; you don’t want to start a fire you can’t put out right now or start one that’s going to scorch you in the end. You might think well, I certainly desire love, but the married woman in these verses is proclaiming this to the virgin daughters in Jerusalem to wait until they, too, have been married. In this same sermon, the pastor also made the point on how hard it is to stop doing something once you have awakened this love. That’s why you hear stories of couples who have gone too far physically trying not to repeat those mistakes and struggling so much. It’s better not to even start that fire until you know you’re in the safe context for it. You might feel like you’re burning now, but it’s a lot better than actually getting burned time and time again by what is less than God’s best.

The Right Person Makes Sex Worth Waiting For

It is so important to have a vision ahead of time for a godly spouse, marriage, and love life before you actually try dating. I know that’s probably not the case for a lot of people, but it’s also never too late to take a step back from dating and evaluate this with new goals in mind. One of the biggest things I want to share is that you don’t need to live in fear about your wedding night because that can tempt you to “experiment” now. This culture tells us that we need experience to be good at sex and make it painless and blissful. That is not true; that is actually incredibly crude and degrading, as if you can just test out sex like a car you’re considering purchasing. That is absolutely not part of God’s plan. As if you need random people to teach you how to touch bodies that you can then apply to intimacy with your special person…as if such a concept even works! That is a complete oxymoron; part of what makes sex sacred is that it is supposed to be this secret relationship and unique intimacy only a husband and wife have of each other. Practicing on tons of people before meeting each other takes that away and reduces it to just being something physical.

It is easy to worry about sex and what it will be like if you have no idea how God designed it, especially when you have the stupid culture perpetuating stories about some people saying it’s so awkward their first time or painful. Well, most of those people are practicing in their teenage years with random people; no wonder it’s frickin’ awkward. I read this wonderful article when I was in high school about how it’s the right person who gives you peace about the unknowns of sex because you will love and trust them. This is why you also need to protect your heart as much as your body. They are intertwined. It is so important for single Christians to educate themselves on God’s design for sex and anatomy. NEVER take a college course on it unless it’s from an established Christian university; I lost so many brain cells doing that this semester, and all I can say is thank God I’ve read comprehensive posts on how God designed the male and female body and how they respond together in beauty for His glory. The textbook I read this semester was literally demonic in what it tried to teach as being good. This culture’s rhetoric about sex versus God’s is truly apples and oranges, and even my liberal friend was appalled by some of the things this woke crap was teaching. It’s like DUH, that’s your self-respect and common sense speaking!!!

Some of the best sites I’ve studied to learn about godly sexuality are Desiring God, Girl Defined, To Love, Honor, and Vacuum (now Bare Marriage), Hot, Holy & Humorous, and The Marriage Bed. Many of these writers have books on healthy sexuality, too, which I recommend. I want to add a little disclaimer, though, speaking from experience…I started reading these sites when I was 13, and I felt so much shame because it took my sexual fantasizing to a whole new level. I was already struggling with lust, and many of these articles/topics are targeting wives in seasons of marriage where they don’t have a high sex drive, so as you can imagine, there is some really specific advice designed to motivate them that is NOT what someone who has tons of sex hormones pumping through their veins needs to read. However, I thank God I discovered these sites when I did because there is no way I would’ve had the sexual knowledge and education on how God designed things and the very functional, practical details of how it even works without reading these sites. Education is a great way to alleviate fear. You don’t need to go into marriage having no idea how sex works, but you also don’t want to fall into the trap of being tempted by TOO much information, either, which I certainly was. There’s really only so much you need to know—trust me on that because otherwise you might start feeling like you need to “test” things to make sure it works, and it WILL. It’s much easier than you think. So when you’ve done your part in educating yourself on what God intends, leave the rest to Him and don’t worry.

It is also God’s character that He sanctifies us to have that makes the best lovers. The world preaches all this crap about “technique,” but the best quality you can ever possess to make sex great, as cliche as it sounds, is selflessness and being willing to learn. You can learn with your spouse. When you love someone so much who cherishes you, you won’t be so wrapped up in just the physical sensations. You’ll still have those and can learn about “techniques” as you go, but that’s the icing on the cake. We are not animals who need sexual release all the time. You might think I have no idea, but oh yes I do and I have been living with my sexual desires, too, thank you very much. Trust me, I know the feelings very well; you can ask my mom, who literally told one of her teacher friends and our tax lady that I want to have sex. Well, who doesn’t! But it isn’t this all-consuming thing we need unless that’s all you’re focusing on, which I have, and then it does feel unbearable, but that’s because you’re obsessing over it. You can fix your mind on other things and you’ll be fine. Reducing sex to a physical act for release destroys people’s souls because you can’t tear away the psychology of it whether you like that or not. It was never designed to be something just done for pleasure.

Also, our friend Solomon, who started out right with true love and intimacy, ended up losing his mind and accumulating almost a THOUSAND other wives and concubines…and then he wrote Ecclesiastes at the end of his life about how everything is meaningless except obeying God! It’s like well buddy, you really went off the rails there. So that just shows how thinking we’re made for all these people and having tons of different sexual encounters leads to more satisfaction is a crock of crap.

This is also something single people might not like hearing, but it is so true that Jesus was the most complete, perfect person and never had sex. And you might think yeah, but He was God so He had incomparable willpower. That may be true, but He went through the fire just like us. The Bible says He was tempted in every way just as we are (Hebrews 4:15), so it’s not like He was just a spirit in a body with no physical needs; He needed to eat and drink just like we do (John 19:28). And you might think well, He came from heaven and knew what it was like to be with God the Father all the time, still being God Himself as the Son of the Father, so that helped Him. Okay, yes, but THINK about that…we are made for that special intimacy with God, too! That’s why Jesus came!! So if that’s how He didn’t sin, then how much more do we need to be seeking God and His kingdom!! We think too much about our desires in this society because we are taught that being happy is the most important thing in life and you become happy by getting everything you want, and it is WREAKING HAVOC on our souls.

You’re not going to miss anything by saving sex for marriage. People act like oh, you’re at your peak when you’re young, but give me a break, your sex drive isn’t going to just taper off and die once you turn 30. You’re not going to turn ugly overnight; a lot of people get better looking as they mature. Plus, since sex is so psychologically rooted, you can teach yourself to have the desire for sex if you don’t “feel” it at a given point in time. It’s not the end of the world; you can troubleshoot just about anything. And how’s this for reassurance: I’m on two antidepressants right now, medications supposedly known for decreasing your sex drive as a side effect, but they haven’t stopped mine!!! They have made it a lot easier to live with, though. By saving sex for marriage, you will store up rewards then.

I said I was going to touch on the emotional boundaries needed in dating relationships, too, and this is also crucial in waiting for the right person and how they make waiting worth it. You need to set boundaries now with a vision of what you want your marriage to look like to honor God because you won’t know what boundaries to have if you don’t decide beforehand what you’re waiting for. Trial and error isn’t the way to go. You need to know what your end goal is in every relationship. Also, you can’t get so caught up in finding that relationship; they’re not the type you just go out and find because they’re ordained by God. You need to fall so much in love with God and who He’s made you to be so that you’re not relying on another person to complete you. There have been two Christian women I really admire sharing their advice on singleness and waiting, and both made the point for females, especially, that you don’t want to just be “hooking up” to your partner like they’re an IV to give you joy and peace in life. You will drain them if you try that and your relationship probably will become dysfunctional. Nobody is meant for that but God. That’s also why falling in love with God isn’t just something you do to bide time while you wait for that person. God is the One who completes and fulfills us at any and every stage of life; anything without Him at the center will be lacking.

As far as the sex goes, I’ve read about people who waited for marriage sharing testimonies where they didn’t need to fear at all. I did also stumble across some testimonies where they DIDN’T think waiting was beneficial, but that makes me sad because it was due to inappropriate purity messages taking things too far and not being biblical that they felt cheated. Lack of education and research can make things difficult, especially on how God wants us to think about sex. You could go into marriage completely oblivious about the basic physiology of sex but excited to share the experience with a spouse you love because you both know God has blessed you with that, and more than likely everything would be fine; you wouldn’t have any problems or regrets. But if you go into marriage knowing all there is to know about sex but not viewing it through God’s perspective as something beautiful and holy in marriage, then I can see where you’re anxious and it’s painful and uncomfortable. It is so important to marry someone who you will enjoy the intimacy of it all with and who doesn’t make you feel afraid about doing things “right” because you’re excited about learning how to have pleasure together and love just being together.

How to Prepare Yourself As You Wait for Sex and Set Emotional Boundaries

Learn to Accept and Appreciate Your Sexuality Now

Something I am so grateful I learned early on in life is to recognize that just because you’re single doesn’t mean you’re not a sexual being or that you need to stifle everything about your sexuality until marriage. I don’t feel like my mom ever instilled that in me, and I read articles that made some great points on this. Purity culture means well but has tended to teach girls, in particular, that you don’t become sexual or shouldn’t until you get married. In the sense that you indulge yourself or actually engage in sexual behaviors, I agree with that, but it is not true to teach that we just aren’t sexual at all. We were created to be sexual beings, and one of the things you can do while you wait for marriage and sex is recognize that now. This doesn’t involve self-indulgence; it might just be educating yourself and praying over your future about sex and everything else. It could be praising God for your physical beauty and honoring Him in how you dress. It could be developing confidence in how He’s made you.

One of the articles I read that talked about this used the example of a girl saving lingerie for her wedding, which is fine, but her advice was for that girl to wear the lingerie now under her clothes so she can feel beautiful and confident. This doesn’t mean she was showing it to anyone or posting it anywhere, but it helped her develop that mindset of being aware of her sexuality even while single and developing confidence and appreciation for how God made her.

I kind of have a funny story on lingerie; I love all things girly and pretty, so naturally, I really like a lot of lingerie that’s out there, especially from my favorite bedazzled, feminine store, Victoria’s Secret, and I have bought SO MUCH of it…I have like four bags in my closet filled with it. I kind of got addicted to buying it, but I’m done now for a while ’cause I’ve spent so much money. It was fun getting all of it, though, and trying it on. It did make me feel beautiful and excited and hopeful about the future, and I still have that as hope and an investment for someday. It’s important to cultivate the godly confidence that allows you to appreciate the beauty and treasure you are to keep your standards high. It is good to have expectations in God and expect good things from sex someday. Again, when you see the value of it and know it’s worth waiting for, it will help you be very intentional in a dating relationship to pursue purity.

Let Shame and Sexual Sin Lead You to Repentance and a Deeper Relationship with God

It is “normal” to struggle with sexual sin while waiting. I don’t say that to try and minimize it but so that you don’t excessively shame yourself because you won’t win that way. I know when I struggled a lot with lust or reading things I knew I shouldn’t, I would beat myself up and start worrying that I was ruining my mind and future marriage one day and that eventually, God was going to get sick of me and be done with me always apologizing. I would distance myself from God because I felt so unworthy of Him and embarrassed that I couldn’t just get it together. I used to have many tearful conversations with my mom about this, who always reassured me and helped me see that there is grace for me, and I saved some amazing quotes and Bible verses about abiding in God’s love rather than trying to make myself perfect. The solution isn’t trying harder; it’s drawing closer to Him rather than retreating out of shame. The devil loves to paralyze us in shame and make us feel like we’re trapped in a cycle. Only God can help us get out of that, which happens as we pursue Him even when we ARE struggling. He can redeem anything, so you don’t need to go into relationships and ultimately your marriage with baggage of whatever your past sexual sins may be. I love this verse from 1 John:

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

1 John 1:9 NIV

In that excellent sermon, the pastor did hit on sex positivity messaging and how they’re trying to remove shame by saying you don’t need to feel shame about anything you want to do, which is a crock and more toxic than I can describe here; you should feel guilty over things that don’t honor God. That’s His Holy Spirit convicting you, BUT let that guilt stir you to repent of and confess your sins like 1 John says. Don’t live in shame, but don’t live in sin.

It’s also important to have an accountability partner for your personal struggles, but this SHOULDN’T be your partner. You need someone of the same gender that can help pray for you and check in on you with struggles they understand, too. That’s part of having good emotional boundaries before marriage. It’s kinda common sense that you shouldn’t be confessing struggles with lust or the like when you’re trying to cultivate purity in a dating relationship.

Guard Your Heart for Sexual Purity and Emotional Freedom, Too

In this world, it is so easy to jump from relationship to relationship to feel liked and validated, but that’s different than being valued and cherished, and it’s easy to get heartbroken when relationships don’t work out, especially the more you’ve invested in them.

Save the deep emotional intimacy for the person you know will commit to you for the rest of your life in marriage, and be careful not to fall for the engagement lie, either, where you think you can be living together because you’re engaged or have a strong enough commitment. No, it is not the same commitment; you haven’t exchanged vows before God and family or done the preparation to actually commit your lives to each other, and I see how easily people get taken advantage of when they compromise on everything before marriage just because the relationship feels long-term…there’s no incentive to even get married, then, or remain committed. Again, God can redeem anything, but you don’t want to flirt with this stuff. Especially for men, who tend to be more leery of commitment until they grow up, don’t you dare give them everything in hopes they marry you. Guys shouldn’t do that with girls, either. That’s going to be very painful if you break up. God designs this stuff the way He does to protect our hearts and spare them from pain. Don’t let the devil tempt you into short-cutting this. If your relationship is the real deal, you can both honor each other by waiting.

It is good to be single until God brings you the right person, too. I wouldn’t just date around until you find them. Sometimes you have to date to get to know someone, but it’s important that you allow God to heal your heart completely before pursuing romance rather than trying to heal in the middle of dating or with the right person. God has to be enough, and if He isn’t now, He won’t be then. No partner can realistically fulfill you 24/7.

Nothing will ever replace God’s love for you. He wants you to be secure in that first; otherwise, you’re operating out of hurt and insecurity, which makes you vulnerable, and that’s when you can get taken advantage of in relationships and make impulsive decisions you’ll regret later on.

Sex isn’t everything, either. It’s a very short-lived pleasure, actually, in the scheme of things, which isn’t me trying to degrade it; I’m just saying that to be realistic. That’s why people say if you get married just for sex, you’ll be disappointed. The most fulfilling sex life involves all three purposes God designed it for, and the most fulfilling marriage requires total security in God. He wants you to experience the MOST joy, where you’re free to love and be sexual without it being ripped out from underneath you. It’s also important to note that finding someone godly and healthy will happen when YOU are that way; you tend to attract the people at your emotional level and repel those who aren’t. That’s why even though I’ve resented feeling like guys avoid me, it’s such a blessing in disguise, and I cherish the fact that I’m 21 and have never dated because I know all the guys I’ve been around don’t have this holistic view of sex and marriage like I do. Dating them would only end in my heartbreak.

Nothing can take God’s place as Lord of lords and King of our hearts. One of my favorite quotes is, “Sex is a wonderful gift but a terrible god,” and that is so true. You can also replace “sex” with “relationships” or “marriage” or any other good desire. We need to quit burying our desires for love with sex, hoping we can somehow find love along the way, and learn to view the opposite gender’s sexuality as God intended so that men or women can’t manipulate you into settling for less. Healthy gender roles are part of His plan, and understanding that now will make it a special gift when you’re married. Seriously, the right person will absolutely treasure your virginity or renewed commitment to purity unless they view people as sex objects, which is NOT the type of person you want to marry. Girls, men might think it’s cute right now for you to be a “baddie” and slutty online, enjoying the fact that you seem easy and they can do as they want with you for a very low cost in terms of commitment, but those are not good guys you want to be marrying. Most men, especially as they mature, want a girl only they’ve been with, and I am tired of people calling that possessive or jealous. Obviously, you can take that to a controlling extreme, but from a godly man, he will want to honor you and your purity and want you to honor yourself, too.

And for guys, my heart really goes out for those of you trying to save yourselves for marriage because I know that is not socially celebrated at all, but the right girl will love you for that. Most girls also want a man to learn with them, who has chosen to honor other women, himself, and her by committing to only expressing himself sexually with her. Screw all this crap about experience; I know when I was younger, I did naively want a guy who had been with other women because I had read some books that made it seem like he’d know how to take care of me best that way. I now know otherwise and have seen how misguided that is and how much damage men can do when they’re players; that’s the last thing I want. I used to even feel ashamed of myself for never having been in a relationship or doing anything sexual because I thought guys would think that made me undesirable. Now I see that as a massive FLEX. I love that no guy has ever done anything with me; the ultimate empowerment is knowing my worth in God and that nobody gets to see me sexually or do anything to me sexually without loving God more than me and cherishing and committing his life to me. And I get to tell that special guy that I’ve waited for him and have a crap ton of lingerie to go through. Most people don’t value sex or themselves so they try to pursue sex FOR validation. You will be such a powerful, respected person if you don’t have to give into temptation for validation. That doesn’t make you less of a person; it makes you more of a person. Self-control is a beautiful fruit of the Spirit hardly anyone has, and that’s why we create a lot of our struggles.

There’s one last thing I want to hit on before concluding, and it’s the oft-spouted word “consent” from the sex positivity rhetoric. I LOVED how the pastor giving the sermon I’ve been talking about said consent is a horrible guide for protecting your heart. Sex positivity satanism holds that as long as you have two adults consenting to an activity, pretty much nothing is off limits and you are free to enjoy whatever you want. This is so stupid because what makes you able to give consent? It’s based on what, exactly, how you happen to feel at a given moment in time? In the heat of the moment you might want things you’ll regret down the road, which is why just saying consent is all you need is the dumbest, most toxic thing I’ve ever heard. You need to have values greater than yourself. The world of relationships is worse off than ever thanks to sex positivity, which is essentially a movement of self-centeredness and pride aka satanism because pride was his original sin, and it will continue to be mankind’s downfall as long as we stubbornly continue in it. That’s why more people are dating less, marrying less, having less babies, and having less sex even though we’re supposedly more “empowered” than ever…. It’s time to turn back to God, and I want to end with this verse so that you don’t think all hope is lost like I sometimes am tempted to think:

‘But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.’

Matthew 6:33 NIV

I want to invite you all, if you’re interested in learning more about how to wait on God and draw close to Him as you prepare your heart for marriage, to purchase my first paid digital download containing 31 journaling prompts designed to help you reflect on singleness, romance, and God! You can print these papers out and write on them; just please don’t resell them or redistribute them. You’ll receive the item as a PDF file that you can print. Let me know if you have any questions!

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Writing and Life Updates

Thank you so much for reading my post and following along!! I have a little bit of sad and good news: this weekend marks the end of my independent study, which if you’ve been reading some of my previous posts, you’ll know I was using my blog for an entrepreneurship independent study at college to grow my following, be more consistent in posting content while in school by making it homework, and trying new things to engage my audience. This is my last post that is “due”! What this means, going forward, is that I probably will not be blogging every week anymore, and I hate saying that because I hate neglecting my blog; in a perfect world, I would have all the time I want to work on this, but completing this independent study made me realize I don’t like putting this blog above other things I need for a balanced life. I don’t enjoy having to make posts for a “deadline”; consistency is important to me and I do like having a weekly or monthly goal, but when I HAVE to get the post done, usually I end up staying up too late, not getting my Bible study done, not working out, or just throwing other things off balance, and I don’t like that. Not to mention it’s been months since I’ve done any creative fiction writing, and you all know I’ve always put that ahead of this blog because my dream is still to become an author.

The good news is that I’m graduating from Iowa State next week!!! This means I will finally be free from the burden of school, but I will also be working still, hopefully more so in the mornings so I’ll get my evenings free, but that’s still only so much time. I know I’ll still get time off and there will be opportunities for me to continue blogging; I will never stop, I promise. It just takes me a while!

I am so grateful to God that college ended up being a much better experience than high school, though it certainly wasn’t without its struggles, either.

As far as what you can expect next on the blog, I’m going to finally share my two trip recaps—the second one in Las Vegas and my trip to Nashville. I would’ve worked on them earlier, but since I was doing an independent study this semester and those posts take forever to create, I didn’t want to create added stress. Now, I can work on them in my own time to make them the best. I’m also going to start a new series about my college journey and what God taught me, kinda like my high school series.

I am going to eventually create my branded products, too—thank you all so much for voting!!! The winners, from votes across the post I made, Facebook, and Instagram combined were the two pink designs and the image of pink clouds along with all three Bible verses. I just need to figure out some last little nitty-gritty crap before uploading the designs.

I would also appreciate your prayers for the Christian fiction book I am trying to publish and told you all that I had sent out to several agencies. So far, earlier this spring, I received two rejections, and now it’s been a while since I’ve heard from any of them. I would love to hear either way so I can have closure and find out if I have something fundamentally wrong with my book or proposal, but I know you’re definitely not guaranteed that luxury. I still have several agencies left to hear back from, though, and I will update you at the end of the summer how it goes. I want whatever is God’s will, but you know I desperately want to be an author, too!! Thank you all so much for following along. Don’t be alarmed if you don’t hear from me for a while; I will be working on the next trip post! You are always welcome to reach out to me, though. Love you all!