I wonder how long you’ve heard this idea and perhaps, more than likely, believed it yourself. That if you want something, as long as you put in the work, you’ll get it. That everything in your future and life depends on you and what you do to make it happen. That if you want to change your life, you can go ahead and do it. That if you’re not successful like you dream, it’s because your work or your ambitions aren’t good or big enough. That ANYONE can be successful if they put their mind to it. Why don’t I just open Pinterest right now and see what shows up in my feed?

Oh, here we go! One of the second quotes down: “You can literally create your dream life if you believe in yourself & show up everyday to do the work.” Wow! How come we’re not all rich? How come we’re not all amazingly happy if it’s that’s easy? Or do we all really have that bad of self-esteem? Are we all seriously that lazy? Hmm. I mean, there’s definitely no shortage of people who don’t have good self-esteem or a good work ethic, but I find it hard to believe there’s some little “magical formula of enough confidence and ambition” that the vast majority of people lack. If that was all it took to have your dream life, I’m pretty sure most people would become more ambitious and confident.

Look, I can understand the point of it. Obviously, not working hard or not believing in yourself (or in who God has called you to be is more like it) isn’t going to get you anywhere. The problem I have, though, is that quotes like this teach us if we have that, we will achieve what we want, and if we don’t, then it’s because we’re not doing that enough.

You know, back when I took Spanish, I mentioned in my high school blog post that it was eye-opening to me how much the study of the language taught me about life in general. What comes to mind when I say that is how much the structure of our language reveals about our cultural perspective of life. Forgive me if I butcher this explanation—I’m not a Spanish teacher and I’ve been out of it for awhile—but what my teacher told us was interesting is how in Spanish, the language is designed so that those who speak it are conveying that they’re “experiencing” emotion or some circumstance. In English, we have that ownership of emotions and circumstances, like I am sad, but in Spanish, it would be more along the lines of, I am experiencing sadness. My teacher made remarks about how in America, we like to have that control of our circumstances, we let them define us, and the language reflects that sort of self-driven achievement mindset, where I believe he described their culture as more laidback and going with the flow of life and life being something that happens TO them rather than BECAUSE OF them, which their language structure reflects. I just thought that was fascinating because it is true, and this is our language, our culture, what we’re TAUGHT about, essentially, how to speak, how to think, how to relate and express what is happening to us.

This ties back into this whole frame of mind our culture pushes that we can achieve anything we want to. Just look at how books, articles, and other media are titled! “3 ways to do XYZ,” “How to achieve $$$ by XYZ,” “How to land your dream job,” “10 steps to accomplish XYZ…” It’s all these subtle and not-so-subtle ideas that convince us to believe that we really do control our destiny and what happens to us and that we can fix and are in control of every emotion and circumstance we face.

Now I’ve already said I’m not one of those people who believes in doing nothing. That’s just dumb. Obviously God gave us free will, He wants us to depend on Him, but He wants us to take action when He tells us what to do. We have to be active in making choices that bring about certain outcomes. What is problematic, though, is this teaching that if you just make the right choices, you’re going to get everything you want. If you just cultivate these qualities, you can make that happen. That through your choices, you control the world. (We’re not that powerful.) This toxic idea that people who fail didn’t want their goal bad enough or didn’t work hard enough or gave up too soon… Do we even realize what we’re implying when we go along with messages like that? I assure you, if everyone literally could create the life of their dreams, everyone would have it. But no, most people don’t like their lives because life happens and things that are out of your control happen and most of the time that’s just the way it is.

A nice uplifting message, right? I’m not trying to be negative; God knows my own negativity has gotten in my own way A LOT. BUT…we need to be set free from these ideas. From this shame that it’s all our fault if we’re not living the life we want. From this pressure that everything depends on us in order to get what we want out of life.

The Truth

First off, is it just me who hears the narcissism in all of this? “Create the life of your dreams”? And it’s all about your own dream life. What about other people? Where do they come into play? Or is life just all about what you want and doing what you want to do? If you have a conscience, you’ll say no, but most people will say no and live like that anyway. We all tend to frown on people who screw others to make it to the top, but it’s this mindset that fosters it. And most people who think they have good morals are still fine with acting out against their own family members and friends by being difficult when they don’t get their way. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with dreams or wanting to have a good life, but this mindset makes it EVERYTHING. The meaning of life—wait for it—to do everything you want to do. The scary thing is, as I write that, some people probably really will read that and become confused that I don’t think it’s the meaning of life. I can’t blame them! Even as a Christian, I’ve always said I want to live for God, but I also have made countless bucket lists, goals, and everything that ultimately I felt would make my life validated once I completed all of them. That’s what we’re taught. You pick your course, you put in the work, you achieve it. That’s your life!

That just seems a bit hollow to me. Really, the goal is deeper. What’s even the point of creating the life of our dreams? What’s the motive behind it? What are we really hoping to gain by doing so? What’s it going to get us, our end result? Why do we care so much about the end results and accomplishments?!

I don’t know, only you can answer that for yourself, but I have some pretty educated guesses that aren’t hard to come up with. What we really want in creating the life of our dreams is to feel happy, to feel satisfied, probably to feel validated, like our lives are worth something. That’s really the goal. Remember in my high school blog post when I talked about the true meaning of perfectionism that took me aback? It’s not merely wanting things to be perfect, it’s thinking that if they were, then we would finally be happy and content with life. And I mean, that’s not wrong. Sin has destroyed the world; we’re not meant to find complete happiness in anything because of that, including the life of our dreams. Not only does the life of your dreams probably not exist or, if it does, probably won’t seem as dreamy as it did when you dreamed it, it’s just tainted. There is no dream life on this earth; everything has been ruined in some way by the curse of sin. And it’s this toxic idea that if only we achieved certain things, were living this certain idealistic life, then all would be right in our world.

THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

And it’s this mindset that almost destroyed me.

Seriously.

I remember this happening to me several times, but there was one instance during the pandemic time last year where I had just finished this documentary of a famous person and their great success. The amount of despair I felt after watching that was like no other, but it wasn’t just the documentary that inspired it; it was all these expectations I had of myself—but I learned them somewhere. I came to believe them somewhere and, actually, from a very young age.

It was always my dream to be a famous author. It still is. But when I was little, I wanted to be a YOUNG famous author. That was very important to me. I already mentioned in that high school post how I thought by now I would’ve already arrived. The amount of worthlessness I felt when I finally let that sink in was bad; I don’t know any other way to say it. It was very heavy. I texted my grandma a lot about it because it all just came crashing down on me. I thought I blew it. I thought I wasn’t a good enough writer to get my books right the first time and have them done sooner so that I could have realized my dream. I thought my life’s purpose was literally all done because that was my dream life I had envisioned since I was eight. How do you come back from that, when this is something that I can’t go back and change?

This mindset wasn’t just evident there. Every time I saw an attractive guy and wanted their attention and didn’t get it, I’d think it was me. Why didn’t they look at me? Because I’m ugly. There are so many girls prettier than me. They must not want me. Why don’t guys want me? Surely if I’m beautiful enough, I can attract my dream man???

And I did this with my friends or lack thereof. When my older friends would say things to me like, “I love your company,” “You’re fun,” “You’re a great friend,” and all this stuff, I really would be shocked. I would be like, oh, wow, thank you? You know it’s funny because I would think that if I were so fun I’d have tons of friends but I don’t…?

Long story short, I have done this with everything. It’s why I struggled to trust God. I would say I trust Him to find me a good career one day, but then I would be stressing about finding a part-time job because what if by not having prior work experience I don’t get that career? I would say I trust Him to bring my future husband into my life, but then I would be stressing about how to become more beautiful so he would actually like me?

Eventually, this is why people get cynical. This is WHY people give up! Not because they didn’t work hard but probably because they believed this stupid idea that if they just did that, then everything in life would be good. A lot of people work VERY hard—a lot of them aren’t rich. A lot of people are VERY likable—a lot of them aren’t well-known. But maybe they should just try harder.

The Hope

What is my point in sharing this? Because I am tired of feeling guilty for things I don’t have to feel guilty for. So many people over the course of my life when I was down would tell me, “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” And I’d be like, what do you mean? How can I not be? It’s my fault I’m not where I want to be; that’s how it goes!

It’s not how it goes.

I am tired of feeling ashamed of things that aren’t wrong with me. Not every beautiful girl has guys drooling over them. Not every likable person has tons of friends. Not every pure soul gets the recognition they deserve. Not every talented person gets the level of fame they deserve. It’s NOT because you didn’t work hard enough. (Um, can we just take a look at who is rich and famous? Do you really think those people are the pinnacle of hard work? Seriously? Let’s stop deluding ourselves.) Let’s stop thinking hard work is the answer to all of life’s imperfections.

It’s absolutely not.

I am tired of, more than anything, feeling this huge sense of pressure and urgency to accomplish everything my heart can dream up before it’s too late or else I won’t be happy and I won’t have had a meaningful life.

Happiness and life are a lot simpler than that; we’re the ones who’ve complicated it by trying to measure them in tangible forms.

I feel like I’ve barely touched the surface of this. I could probably say so much more about how toxic and just plain wrong this mindset is and how we can become free of it. But I’ll try to summarize what I want to get across more than anything.

Happiness isn’t a certain point in time, the peak of realizing all your goals.

A lot of people make it to “the top”, realize they’ve achieved their dream life, and they feel what? More happiness than anyone else?

Nothing. Emptiness. That’s it? What next?

Happiness isn’t a thing. It’s a feeling. Emotions are not worthy pursuits. They come and go as they please. You can’t chase them down. You can’t make them stay. You can either choose to indulge them or ignore them. I agree much more with the perspective the Spanish language takes—you are not your emotions; you don’t own them. You are experiencing them. Decide how you’re going to live as a result. Don’t give things such control over your life.

Happiness is made whole in a Person. The Creator of the universe, of our very souls and complete personhood, the One who placed within us a thirst for this very fullness, completeness, wellbeing, contentment.

Not so that we could be placed on earth to go get it. To go chase it down. To go achieve it and pat ourselves on the back.

But to simply BE with Him. If you want to know the meaning of life, you should probably ask the One who created it. We were created in His image, to share in His glory and fullness. I almost can’t even enjoy or take seriously romances anymore because anytime I see the people panting for another and saying all these things about how much they love to feel SAFE and SECURE and LOVED and ACCEPTED it becomes so glaringly obvious to me that God placed in us deep, deep needs for that, and there’s a reason He modeled romantic love after His own—because He’s the One who satisfies those needs. He’s the reason for why we even have those needs and desire to have them met—because He meets them. He’s the One who makes our happiness complete.

Don’t you dare start feeling ashamed if you don’t feel happy right now because you’re a Christian and you know you should. Can’t you see that that’s all right there with this mindset? If I tried harder as a Christian, I would be happy like I’m supposed to be… I should be happy but I’m not…so what’s wrong with me?

Nothing. The world’s been tainted. God is absolutely here with you, longing to comfort you with His presence, but there’s a reason Old Testament saints looked forward to being with Him in heaven. The. World. Is. Tainted. That means our very connection with God can so easily be blocked by our sin—and I want to be careful saying that because in no way do I mean to imply that what Jesus did for us by dying for us wasn’t enough to set us free. That’s not true. It WAS. We ARE free. But once again, we have emotions. We have not been given resurrected bodies yet; we’re not sin-free yet and won’t be until we are not on this earth anymore.

The answer isn’t doing more. It’s not trying harder. It’s not trying to fix things. It’s just…surrender.

Let things be what they are. Don’t chase things down. Just rest with God. Just BE with Him. This isn’t a post to make you want to die already—by no means! This is a post to make you want to shed these restrictive, choking messages of society to actually LIVE.

There IS a new earth coming. There IS a day when all our tears will be wiped. There IS a day when we’re going to have new, perfect bodies and minds. There IS a day when sin won’t exist anymore. I’d list references but the whole Bible is filled with these truths.

So please, don’t fall for the idea that you create your own heaven. That you overcome things on your own. That life is all about you. It’s about who your soul was made for. It’s about surrendering to Him and letting Him fight on your behalf to grow you and help you accomplish HIS will. It’s about looking forward to heaven with Him and knowing that there are many foretastes of heaven right now when you simply are resting in Him. After all, people who don’t know much about God and the general population as a whole seem to think heaven is the actualization of perfection and all our desires and happens to be where God is because God is good, but people don’t understand that it is the goodness of God and His presence that makes heaven everything glorious and completely perfect. People don’t realize that the desires we have aren’t separate from God and faith but exist at all because of how He created us and instilled in us those desires and longings for complete, utter joy and satisfaction.

On its most psychological level, we try to create our dream lives because God put that in us. I’ve read so many eloquent things about how because man once had it—in the Garden, walking with God—we now keep trying to chase it down since it’s been removed. We won’t find it unless we go back to the One who created us for it. Who gave us these intense longings and dreams for something that fills our soul with no catch. No disappointment. You take a deep breath, feel the joy radiating through your body…and ahh, nothing goes wrong. It’s perfect.

You don’t find that at the end of your bucket list, your goals, your to-do’s. But you can get a taste of it now. Take a deep breath, look to Him, feel the joy radiating through your body…and ahh, this is it. The rest doesn’t matter. This is who our souls were designed for. It’s not an accident. In no way is it evolutionary development.

It’s the pure, insatiable longing for Him—insatiable when you look to yourself, and finally satiable when you look to Him and just live.

When do you just live? Right now. Right this second. It’s not about doing one more thing, accomplishing one more goal. What change does that make on your life, your physical and biological and psychological markup? Not a lot. You’re still a human being with the need to surrender, to submit yourself to something far beyond yourself. Why do you think we want to accomplish such “big” things anyway and only feel validated by the “grand” goals? It reflects our deep need to do something beyond ourselves. To make an impact. Well, there is no greater impact than when your soul is at peace with your Creator.

Find the freedom in not achieving the life of your dreams. Isn’t it so sad, when you really think about it, how that’s what we pin our hopes on? That’s what we think will finally allow us to feel happiness? No… You can have hope and feel happiness right now. You have to choose right now, not the life of your dreams. You have to choose Him, not the world. He created the world; can’t you trust that He’ll fulfill the longings He’s created in you?

Yes, you can. Get out of your own head and understanding. Seek Him instead. The life far beyond your dreams is with Him.