Welcome to another post recapping all the high school drama I went through! No, actually my high school years were painfully uneventful, which I suppose could be good, too. Ultimately, I know that God works everything for good, including all the loneliness and pain I felt. I started recapping the things I wish I would have known my freshman year here, and now I’m going to dig into everything I wish I would have known through the hard, testing middle years that seemed to stretch on endlessly.

What I Wish I Would Have Known in High School My Sophomore/Junior Years

Don’t just say/write a prayer once and forget about it. Meditate on it constantly. Healing and preparation isn’t a one-and-done process. One of my favorite posts I’ve written and that also got a good response from those who read it was this prayer over 10th grade. Unfortunately, though I felt great when God laid that on my heart and I prayed that right before 10th grade, I don’t think I ever looked back on it again. I wish I would have. It was something I needed to pray and remember all the time. I think if I had drilled that in my mind, I wouldn’t have experienced as much anguish as I did throughout the year.

The things you stress about now really aren’t going to matter a year from now or even a trimester from now. In 10th grade, my math class was so fast-paced and stressful. I was also taking Driver’s Ed, and I got a yearly cold around the start of it, and we visited family because of circumstances going on, etc., and I would constantly get so overwhelmed and stressed with everything I had to do. But it did work out. Sometimes in ways better than I dreamed, and sometimes I didn’t do so hot, but it always worked out in the end. And now? I only remember the grief it gave me rather than what was done as a whole. Obviously you still have to do your work, but try to put it in perspective.

Don’t make your success the end-all. Have your goals, pray over them, and then learn to let go. I’m going to write more about this struggle I had throughout the middle of high school, but long story short, I got incredibly obsessive over my goals, dreams, and the lifestyle I wanted to have in the future. It went way beyond planning or even having goals of where I would like to be. I constantly was thinking about ways to achieve what I wanted, worrying that I wouldn’t, battling with God over it, and so on. I really wish I would have just relaxed. Besides, none of that was pertinent to the stage of life where I was. I just wasted energy worrying and fantasizing about someday.

Do not feed your mind with toxic media, quit comparing, and don’t obsess over your looks. Back to the Victoria’s Secret models. My self-image took a major dip the beginning of my sophomore year. Thankfully this wasn’t as big of an issue my junior year, but it was all-consuming the year before. I looked at too many accounts on Instagram of all the skinny influencer girls, models, or pretty college girls I would see cute guys following. I would constantly compare any time I went out to see if any girl looked better than me according to what I thought was the ideal look. I always wanted to work out to get skinnier/more toned/whatever, and I stressed about any and every flaws I could find with myself. It was such a waste! I want to write much more in depth about this struggle in the future because I do finally feel like I’ve gained freedom from it, but it’s definitely a problem for most women. Social media can really be the devil’s tool, especially with this. Stay off of it. Know that everyone is just out to make themselves feel better, so don’t suck in to that trap. You want to win the war? You can’t give looks that power. You can’t give other women that power. You have to learn to love how you were made and know that isn’t even the most valuable thing in life.

**UPDATE April 2024: I created a FREE printable for you with the best advice/things to meditate on for more positive body image in that they’ve helped me the most throughout my struggle with that. Subscribe here to receive access!**

You can let yourself have a crush without obsessing to death over him. Now this is something I spent the better part of both 10th and 11th grade fixating over. Some parts of having a crush are fun and exciting, like when they actually do flirt…but then when you start getting ideas of what needs to be happening and it’s not happening and you start going around and around with it…it’s just another thing that drains you. I tended to be all or nothing: I wanted my crush on my terms and to reciprocate the way I wanted it, and if that wasn’t happening, then I didn’t want to like him at all. Sometimes I just enjoyed whatever happened, but usually I obsessed over wanting more and wondering what he really thought and what everything he did meant. It’s a waste. Just take things as they come. It’s fun when it does happen, but don’t let it ruin your days when it doesn’t.

It’s funny how things come full circle. Trust that God is sovereign over it all and knows what He’s doing in your life. It’s actually funny because most of the crushes I’ve had in person, like with people at my school, I’ve crushed on when they didn’t know me yet (and I didn’t know them either other than that I liked what I saw…). I would always want to get to know them, but it wouldn’t work out, and then I would eventually get over them. But later on throughout high school, I ended up having a bunch of classes with this guy I used to like, and we worked on several things together and had an easygoing friendship. I would have DIED when I was younger had I known that would eventually happen. It figures that it would happen when I don’t care anymore! But that’s the thing: God does know what He’s doing. I enjoyed this guy’s company as a friend, but as I matured, I realized I would not want him as a boyfriend. God works things out perfectly in His ways.

Unfortunately, people do come and go, and it hurts, especially when you’re desperate for lasting relationships, but through it all, God has a reason for it. Draw on your relationship with Him rather than other people. I do want to say that though I was lonely most of the time in high school, there actually were a couple times when people would approach me and ask me to sit with them or just say hi to me. It was rare, but it did happen, and I was very appreciative when it did. Sometimes, though, one of my peers would start talking to me like they genuinely did want to include me more in their life, and I would reciprocate that and spend time talking with them, but then there would just be…nothing. I don’t think it was because I stopped trying, either. Usually I would reach out several times, like on birthdays or when I knew they were dealing with something, and they would respond, but when it was me who had those things…I never heard from them. That’s when I knew I probably needed to move on. Relationships can’t be one-sided. Also, I’ve never liked feeling as though I was kissing up to someone, like I’m going to lavish you with attention and sweet words, and you’ll act like you appreciate it, but it’s the admiration you like and not the actual relationship because then we never would hang out or anything like that. That’s happened to me several times with numerous peers of mine over the years.

That’s also why in the end, I had to quit blaming myself for my loneliness by saying things like “I’m just quieter” or “I don’t like them” or whatever to make excuses for it. Because even though I’m quiet, I was very friendly when talking to my peers, even ones I may not have liked as well, not to kiss up to them, but just because that’s who I am. And I did like a lot of my peers initially or I wouldn’t have grieved how one-sided the relationships felt. I tried to always look for the positives in them despite their drama, but eventually I had to realize that what we had was never real. It was just words and empty promises. I probably started not liking them when I realized that, how much our lifestyles really did clash. That’s where I had to trust God through it all. I couldn’t try to force things with people I knew God wasn’t working things out with just because I was tired of being alone. Going down to a level you’ve grown from isn’t going to make you any happier; instead, you’ll just feel lonelier except with other people who don’t understand you rather than by yourself in solitude.

The sparkly booties will be the best purchase of your life. Not that you do things because everyone else will love them…YOU loved them, but seriously, everyone else will love them. Even grown men. That’s why you shine! Who cares if it’s popular or not, you can be the one to make it beautiful!

Really. Quit freaking out about your crush. You’re going to have to LEARN not to give anyone that power. This is worth putting on again, yes, because I would get SO OBSESSIVE about him. It was honestly not until like a month ago that I realized how to truly let go of this, and I could’ve figured it out sooner, but again, I think I was just going through the motions of being in school, I saw him a lot, and I thought well, he’d be a nice way to pass that time… Hahahaha that’s why my mom said God probably won’t let me have him. I’m not a player, I swear, I do want the one special guy, but it just goes to show how you can become weak if you’re not nurturing your mind and thoughts when going through hard, lonely seasons of life. I have hormones and desires for relationships, too, even if I want to wait and be selective about who I date. Patience is a hard thing for me, but that doesn’t mean I should give someone that power to control my emotions like they did. I have to be stronger than that and more mature, especially if I know he’s not the one. You won’t have to force things with the right guy, which is always something I’ve believed, so I broke my own biggest rule in how much I stressed over my crush.

Have a vision for your future husband, and then trust God with it rather than stressing about why you’re not finding him when you’re still only in high school. I stressed, doubted, and despaired over just about every part of my future throughout high school, and you can bet my future marriage/husband was part of that. It wasn’t enough for me to believe that God had the right guy for me. I would make lists of all the things I wanted him to have, add endlessly more things to it, change it, add to it some more, freak out about ever finding him, doubt God even had a man for me, worry he wouldn’t have everything I want… It’s a headache just writing that. This is another instance where you don’t do God’s job for Him. Finding your future husband is not supposed to be a stressful thing. God will bring Him to you at the right time, and it will happen naturally, just as He is preparing you and molding your desires now. It can feel hard to believe that, but you have to decide to.

Experiment with things like makeup sooner. You can’t always wait until you feel ready to do things because you never will. Quit being a perfectionist, always focusing on results, and learn to enjoy the process and experience of life. This is still something that three years later here we are… Okay but to be fair, I rarely go out, and I’m just not one of those girls who feels as though I have to wear makeup in my own house to feel pretty. I’m not dissing anyone who does because there’s other things I would still do even if no one will see me, but makeup just isn’t one of them. That being said, I want to get into makeup more, but even back then, I would always think about doing it and then immediately write it off for another time because I would stress over not doing it right. I wish I would make more time to just try things like that. If I mess up, it’s not the end of the world. It can be a fun thing to try if I would let it be by not fixating on making it live up to my expectations.

You can look as hot as you think and be as competent socially as you should be and still not get attention from your peers. That’s because it’s NOT YOU. Oh boy, this is another thing that haunted me over the middle years and actually still does, if I’m being honest. I would constantly feel confident in an outfit I was wearing, how my body/hair/face was looking, or how ALL of it was looking great together, and I would get so frustrated when I would watch my peers, whether guys or girls, ignore me. Okay, that kind of feels like a petty, whiny thing to write, but the reason I’m saying it is because whether I wanted it to or not, it hurt me. Yes, it’s shallow, but unfortunately that shallow crap does psychologically mean a lot to you during adolescence. I would get actually furious watching girls who I knew weren’t prettier than me (not the most politically correct thing to say, but I’m sure we all know the feeling and I’m trying to be real about how I would feel over the years here whether it’s right or wrong) or who I was easily comparable with at least start dating all these guys, including the more prominent guys who acted like they were only capable of attracting the hottest girls, and I would be like really, so that’s hot to you? I would get so frustrated when they would act like I was literally repulsive when I knew I wasn’t. I would also get really mad thinking about other girls and their friend groups, wondering what those girls had that I didn’t that made them more likable or better friends. I thought my social media feed looked just as nice, and I had just as cute of outfits, plenty of talents of my own, enjoyed having fun and going out, etc., but I was the one being blown off.

A lot of this was in my head, at least assuming what people thought. It’s a fact that I was blown off, but it’s not a fact that I was repulsive. That was just how I felt based on the circumstances. I’ve said this already, but I feel like there is this unspoken assumption where people or society in general teaches that if you don’t have friends, you’re doing something to cause that, or the same is true with attracting guys. But it really isn’t all up to you. You can be the most gorgeous, sweetest, intelligent, fun girl (I thought that I was) and not have people lined up to be your friend or date you. I’m not going to speculate as to why that was the case for me or why it is for other people like that as I’ve spent years doing that, but I do know this: sometimes people like that turn others off not because of anything they’ve done but because of who the other people are. I’ve heard it said many times that confident, intelligent women can intimidate men who aren’t mature enough to handle a girl like that or know how to act around her. Peers can also get jealous and catty. Plus, having a secure faith in God is something from my experience that a lot of my peers want, but they don’t know how to get it because I don’t think they’re willing to sacrifice the popularity they get with their friends and having the lifestyle they do. But there’s something about a person who decides they don’t need that. When you lose it all, that is actually when you’re strongest. My mom and I always think of Katniss and how powerful she was simply because she didn’t care what she lost. Fear holds so many people back from submitting to so many things and imprisons them to things that feel safe but rarely are beneficial, and I see that big time in the lives of my peers. Anyone can claim to love God and act like they do, but loving Him really does change your entire life. Truly loving Him isn’t an act; you have to hold Him at arm’s distance to keep that up, and I think that’s sad. There is more to life than being popular in the world, but a lot of people are too afraid to find that out for themselves.

So, don’t worry if you’re not getting any attention from guys or a line of girls wanting to be your friend. Authenticity is a rare gift in today’s world, and when you have those relationships, you want them to be marked by that, not by trendy, changing ideas of what is fun and attractive with the times. Who people date and who they are friends with is a reflection of themselves and who they feel comfortable with, which is why literally anyone can get guys and friends. It says more about you if you wait for the right ones rather than go along with the convenient people.

Don’t try to get your revenge through fame or validate your life and worth through that or any other goals/accomplishments. Going along with above, I got resentful that I was the one being made to feel like the outcast or the girl no one noticed. I would often fantasize about becoming famous and giving a speech after winning an award where I could go tell everyone I went to high school with to…do some choice things, or I would imagine becoming like a Sports Illustrated cover model and let all the guys who acted like I wasn’t even worth a glance chew on that. I’m not perfect by any means, so I had all of these immature yet human longings to get my revenge in ways like that. In some ways, it was almost easier to believe that I had done something to not have friends or guys rather than accept that I had all these qualities to offer but was consistently being ignored. I felt like all those things I had, then, were just going to waste.

I became even more obsessed with wanting to do extraordinary things, which in my mind meant becoming famous, making lots of money, and marrying a hot but genuinely godly sort of guy that every girl dreams of, except I would do it all with a class and authenticity that rarely anyone does. I had wanted all those things anyway from a young age—I guess who doesn’t—but it got even worse the more I felt snubbed in school. It got much worse because here I was dreaming to become well-known, while my reality was getting ignored most of the time. Kylie Bisutti actually helped change my life with this; I’ll talk about her and this struggle on its own sometime in a different post, but I found out about her in 10th grade and how she also felt similarly because she was actually bullied in high school, so she wanted to achieve success as a supermodel to validate her worth and show that to her peers.

Thankfully, God changed her life and she is an incredible witness to people like myself, and she is the one who helped me get it through my head that I shouldn’t be living like that, chasing down these worldly things to try and validate myself through them. It’s not easy because I still wish, to be very honest, that I could get some revenge. That sounds super dark; I don’t mean it that way. I just mean that it hurt more than probably my peers even realized that I wasn’t asked out more by guys or invited to hang out more with them. Did I need it? No. But did I want it, or at least the invitation? Of course.

It’s a difficult thing to learn since we are such social creatures and society puts such pressure on us to be liked by others, but your life already is validated. You don’t have to do anything to prove your worth. The God of the universe already wants you and loves you. This is something that tends to lose its meaning, which is super unfortunate that we could ever become so numb to something so profound. It just goes to show: we can’t comprehend His love and what our souls truly desire and the gift He’s poured out on us. We are too poisoned with the world and its so-called pleasures. We have to deprogram our minds of what the world says we need and learn what it means to be loved and chosen by Him.

Yes, you deserve good things, but look at what you already have. Quit fixating on the things you feel have been taken from you. God knew how things would happen and allowed it for a reason, but look at how He saved you and began something in you. Focus on that rather than everything you feel is fighting against you. One of my most favorite quotes I just found the other day says, “At the end of the day, you can either focus on what’s tearing you apart or what’s holding you together,” and that spoke to me. I realize now that throughout high school, particularly these two years, it was a battle over my very soul taking place, with the devil convincing me to obsess over everything I believed was wrong with and unfair about my life, making myself a victim. That increased the depression I felt by a hundredfold because I kept dwelling on the life I thought I deserved and all the ways mine fell short. In reality, it was never as bad as those thought trails would convince me. You can make anything seem like hell if you want to, and that’s what I kept doing. The mind is more powerful than you know.

You might think you’d benefit from a lot of things, but only God knows. And you need to seek Him for what your soul needs. Going back to my crush I had…so yes, I genuinely did enjoy liking him when I did. It made the days more interesting, though it added drama when I chose to. He wasn’t someone I’d seen before, so it was exciting that a new possibility could open itself up like that. The more I played ideas of him in my head, I realize now that I kept creating him into the sort of man I thought I wanted. I never knew him, but I would take what little bits of information I did know about him to convince myself why we would be great together. Even though I didn’t think he was the guy I’d been waiting for, I really thought it would be good for me to date him and nice to have a boyfriend in high school since I didn’t have many friends. Obviously, that didn’t happen. Nothing close happened to it. That was hard for me to swallow as time went on. Just recently, it was still hard for me to accept, though now I finally have learned how to move on. I realize now, though, and I think I even knew at the time, that I was just projecting my ideas of what my soul longed for onto him without even knowing him. He could never have been what I wanted him to be because my solution to the emptiness I felt wasn’t in having a boyfriend; it wasn’t even in finding friends. I needed to learn to lean into my relationship with God and the love He has for me and how He can heal my heart and give my soul what it needs. I’m saying a lot of what you should do, I know, and to keep things short(ish), I can’t really elaborate on how you do that in this post, but I will write more on that in the future because sometimes, I didn’t understand, even with how close to God I am, how to let Him heal my heart. Sometimes a sweet, cute guy just sounded like the most attractive, easiest option. I know it’s not. But it takes time to establish that and to understand your role as His child.

No amount of validation or recognition is going to heal you. You will always need more “proof,” “evidence,” and “assurance” if that’s what you’re living for. I already talked about how I started looking for my worth in things like fame, but this point is more specifically about attention from guys or other people. The words I have in quotes are what I would constantly say I was doing when I would scrutinize and obsess over how guys acted towards me, and through journaling about it constantly, I started realizing a pattern: it really is true that no amount of stuff like that is enough. What would happen is something that I once only dreamed of like, say, a hockey player looking at my story, and I would be so elated for a time. But then it would fade and I would whine about how well, it couldn’t have really meant anything, and I would start analyzing it and conclude that I needed more. Then, say, a hockey player at a game started looking at me and flirting. I would be stoked once again, until I started reflecting on it again. Was he really flirting? Did what he had done signal attraction? Would he want to actually date me? Then I would try looking for ways to justify it and tear it apart simultaneously, which was exhausting, and annoying as heck for my mom. Basically, crap like that just kept happening where I loved when I got attention, but I realized I could always find ways where it was lacking, where it wasn’t enough to prove anything. And I got into that terrible funk where when I received attention from guys or validation from other people, I felt good, and when I didn’t, I felt like something was wrong with me. Attention is fickle, and you cannot base your worth in that. If your soul needs healing, you have to focus on Him. You can’t heal the inward by focusing on what you receive in the outward.

More things are possible than your rigid box of ideas. Don’t hold yourself back. Get out of your own way and let God be God. He hasn’t let you down yet. Another post I’m going to write in the future has to do with our ideas we have for our lives because I got so attached to mine throughout this time of my life. I had my plans of what I thought would make me happy, and I was terrified of deviating from it and of God not letting those plans succeed. I didn’t realize that in clinging to those ideas so tightly, I actually was holding myself down. I was so attached that I didn’t even want to believe that God could have anything better because I genuinely didn’t think there was anything I would like better than the future I planned in my head. The thing is, though, I’ve changed my mind several times about what I want. It’s easy to attach yourself to the ideas when they are just that—IDEAS. I went from desiring to be a psychologist in eighth grade all through high school until the middle of 10th grade when I finally began my AP psychology course. I took one glance at a research report—what I thought I wanted to spend my life doing—and that’s when I knew I was going to have to consider other options. I also literally went from thinking my ideal life would be living in small town Estherville to deciding I needed to be in New York City or Chicago.

What I’ve realized again and again, then, is that I don’t always know what I want. By trying to think I do with absolute certainty and not trusting God to naturally reveal to me in His timing what it is He wants for me, I will just be reaching for things I think will fulfill me that won’t. And I’ll just keep going through ideas, trying to find any that fit. But He has NOT let me down with the timing of my life. He always reveals things to me when I need to know them. He is not late. When I get isolated in my own mental bubble of what I want, though, I run the risk of wasting time following my own idealistic whims rather than His perfect plan for my life. There’s a lot of things I wanted that didn’t happen, and then I felt like God let me down. Now I realize it just goes to show that wasn’t what He meant for me, that it was something I hyped up and convinced myself to believe I needed.

Let go of what does and doesn’t happen with your crush. It’s supposed to be fun, and if he’s not meeting your vision, then why get so worked up? Well, boredom and loneliness will do that to ya. So will idolizing your ideas. So will rushing ahead of God’s timing. That’s why having a vision is so important so you won’t settle out of desperate feelings. That’s not to say you still can’t enjoy having a crush, but I definitely wish I would have just appreciated the good times without ruining them by obsessing.

It won’t be like this forever. You won’t have to deal with this forever. Try not to get overly uptight. There would be so many times throughout these years where I would just sit in my classes, wanting to start crying. Either watching my peers act so immature, all flocking to each other like they can’t get enough of each other, flirting with teachers or kissing up to them, and even sometimes the things teachers would say and do. I would feel like I was stuck in such a toxic, shallow, godless environment. The temptation to compare myself and to feel less than was absolutely relentless, and I would get so sad at times just based on things I would overhear, like my peers next to me discussing some girl and her attractiveness and how they were going to get her (I would think, well why not me? Why can’t that happen to me? If guys can pursue her, then surely they could pursue me, so they must not want me) or teachers discussing other students and praising them while I felt more overlooked in certain classes. Sitting alone at lunch at times and knowing that while I didn’t mind, I wondered if people would pity me, which I would hate (empathy: yes, because empathy genuinely feels what another person is feeling and longs to help them; pity: no, because pity is like a feeling of apathy and superiority, where you think oh, poor loner, but I’m not going to do anything about it, and I’m glad that’s not me). Being one of the only ones sitting at an assembly when all the other kids were standing based on everything everyone was involved in.

One of the crappiest moments that comes to mind, though, was at the beginning of 10th grade. We were having a pep rally at the end of the day, so the schedule was accelerated so that the classes would all be done with an hour or so of the end of the day left to spare. After my last class, the intercom would go on releasing everyone to go to the gym for the pep rally. Normally when we had assemblies, they would be in the middle of the day, and we had homerooms we would attend to first, which thankfully I had some people in mine that I knew, so at least I had people to sit with in the auditorium. But this was not like that. This was everyone flocking into the gym all at the same time, onto the bleachers with no specific organization by grade, class, or anything.

The bleachers filled up fast. Also, since I knew this was a pep rally, the people I would usually try to find to sit with in my homeroom or other acquaintances were in band, so they would be out performing rather than on the bleachers. That meant I truly didn’t have anyone I knew to find, and I remember just how quickly things got crowded and how lost I felt, so I just sat where I could find an open space. It happened to be next to this one girl in my grade whom I knew but wasn’t friendly with. She was sitting by her older sister and a group of their friends, and I just remember feeling so awkward, like I had nowhere else to sit, so I decided to sit next to her, and I remember she wouldn’t even say anything to me; she didn’t even look at me, and I was sitting right next to her. The way she held herself, it was like I could just feel the annoyance, like I wasn’t welcome there, and I felt like I was intruding on something I wasn’t invited to. Maybe some will argue that was all in my head, which I suppose it could be, but the point is, it’s just a yucky feeling. Did I need her approval to sit there? NO, I know that I have just as much right to be there as her, but I was like, what’s the point? How can I celebrate a school’s culture I don’t even feel welcome in? I knew after that happened, I didn’t ever want to go through something like that again. The next year, I had my mom call me out early.

Why am I writing this? Because I want to accurately paint a picture of my experience for you so that you understand how God helped me through it and what He helped me with. It’s one thing for me to say I was lonely and hurt, but I’ve also heard a lot of cases where people say they are lonely, but then I’ll see pictures of them with a whole group at prom, and I’m like, oh, you look lonely. Now, I already know what you’re thinking: well, just because you’re with people doesn’t mean you don’t feel lonely, so who are you to judge? Okay, you’re right, I absolutely understand that you can still pretend, have a group of people, go out, and still feel lonely in your heart. I do know, because that’s what defined most of my middle school years, and if you’d like, you can read more about those experiences here, here, and here. But, having been on both sides, I also know what it’s like to not only feel lonely in your life, but to literally have no friends. I also want to give just a little disclaimer with that statement, too: I did have my family, I did have many staff members at the high school school who made me feel welcome, I did have two older friends who were phenomenal, and I did have some sweet acquaintances that came and went over the years whose friendships I enjoyed for a season. Most of the time, though, I was truly on my own, like at the pep rally.

Here’s the thing, though: while I wasn’t truly alone, I was alone with my peers, which is what these posts are focusing on because as much as I hate to admit this, my development class did teach me how important that stage of life is. And it’s just intuitive; I could just feel it. My family was amazing, but they can’t take the role of my peers, and not all of my family members understand me as well as some. Most of my teachers and staff at my high school were very kind to me, but they can’t force my peers to like me, nor would I want them to. My older friends were a gift from God, but they weren’t there every day for me like peers would have been because they are at different stages of life than me, and that’s not anything they did or that I did; it’s just how it is.

I want to be clear: I’m not writing all this to whine or throw a pity party. I’m writing it because I want it to set someone else free. The truth is, through not having my peers, in a backwards sort of way, I did gain more confidence than I ever think I would have otherwise because I never had to rely on people who would make me feel confident. They didn’t, so I had to. They wouldn’t tell me how hot and beautiful I was, so I did it myself. They wouldn’t praise me for the personality I had or the things I was working on, so I praised and encouraged myself. They didn’t enjoy my company, so I enjoyed and loved my own company. They didn’t know when I reached new milestones, so I rejoiced over those milestones with God myself. They didn’t know when my life was falling apart and I was hanging on by a thread, so I grabbed ahold of Him and seized and excelled with every opportunity I had nonetheless. They wouldn’t help me grow, so I let God help me grow. God knew me and called me way before any of them did, and He’ll be there longer than anyone else will, so He carried me and helped me endure when I didn’t have the power in myself to want to. And here we are, by His grace and through His mighty power. HE is the One who changes my life, and He saved my life at an early age, and He’s the One who didn’t let me lose it when I lost the things I thought I wanted. There is immense power and freedom in that like I can’t even describe unless you’ve experienced it yourself.

Which brings me back to this: don’t get uptight about high school. What I just wrote has so much more beauty and majesty and supremacy and meaning and hope that will be yours forever. Who cares if you felt like crap for an hour during a pep rally? He’ll help you through it, and it will just be a tiny, painful moment of life that falls so short in comparison to all you have through Him.

Even when you feel like you’re getting nowhere, you ARE. Your faith in God, your writing or dedication to it, your work in school, it all means something. It will pay off. You’re doing great. Don’t load yourself down with expecting too much of yourself. Your job is to love God, obey your parents, do well in school. The end. Don’t add all these things you should be doing to try and overcompensate. Being a student is a job. Loving God is the most meaningful pursuit in life. And sometimes, just doing something you love, without worrying about turning it into a career, is the most productive thing.

Why do you fight with God about your future when you know how much He loves you? If you’re taking people’s encouragement to heart whom you don’t even know, why won’t you trust that the gifts and qualities given to you by HIM will be used by Him, in His good timing?! Waiting does not mean no. Again, high school is a season. Not all of life will be like high school. Trust that God will use it for good. What seems like something is being destroyed is when it’s being refined.

Extraordinary things really do happen when you’re not chasing it down. Okay, I could write a whole post book (literally, I have journals) about this embarrassing saga of my life; I’ll attempt to summarize it through a couple of these points. So, halfway through sophomore year, I went to a hockey game. Nothing out of the ordinary; my family had been to several hockey games by this point. Something I like to do for fun is find an attractive player to watch, and since we have tickets close to the opposite team’s bench, I get pretty good views, and they get pretty good views of me. That didn’t really matter because these are professionals who I only liked to dream about; surely I would never entertain their attention.

Okay, well, one night like any other, Mom and I were examining the team during warmups (she helps me, okay, obviously she’s MARRIED, but that’s what’s nice about being by the opposing teams, you get new guys to choose from every night HAHAHA that sounds soooo bad actually writing that but I don’t mean it like it sounds). She mentioned this one guy who happened to have a last name really similar to my crush’s last name (he was still all I was thinking about, yes; as a matter of fact, I remember wishing him and I were on a date that night together at the hockey game). I looked him up, found his *public* Instagram and began my “research,” and I liked what I saw, and I thought that he actually seemed like a sweet, down-to-earth family guy, which was rarish given the youth of the guys. So I thought what the heck, we can pay a little extra attention to him tonight.

Okay…I won’t hype this up too much and act like a dumb little fangirl, but later in the game, as they were getting ready for the next play, he skated right by the glass on his way over and was staring at me the whole time. Yes, it was only two seconds, but it happened, because I turned to my mom, and before I could even say a word, she was like, “He just looked at you…” And if you’re going to be a hater like my dad and brother and be like WOW what a BIG DEAL then there’s the door, please get off my blog, because that was the most special thing to ever happen to my fifteen-year-old self, so much so that I have about three journals’ worth of obsessing over it. Don’t ever look at me, because I will write a book about you. Clearly, I don’t get out much, but I MEANT IT when I said guys at my school pay zero attention to me, thank you very much!

Okay, in my defense, we also happened to have another game with that team a couple weeks later during the day, and I actually have several videos of him then flirting with me, but that’s not the point…

So, now that you’re like well that’s all fine and dandy you got hockey boy’s attention you puck bunny, what does that have to do with the misery of high school? Well actually, it was one of the brightest moments of that time of my life, but…it was so bright that I didn’t want it to end. So that’s the first, good part: on an ordinary night, things like that really can happen. I usually dream of all these lavish fantasies that will never happen in the real world, so I was shocked I never actually saw anything like that coming, but that’s because with all the other hockey games I’d been to, nothing close to that had ever happened (granted I was 12/13/14, but you know…); the players are usually very stoic and try not to look at the crowds. And it also showed me that here I was obsessing over my little high school crush, and BOOM, here’s a full-grown hockey guy that’s like, my dream type, and I’m liking even his personality, I mean what a miracle is this? I do believe that when I find my future husband one day, it will happen unexpectedly and in an awesome way like this. But…it has to be the right timing. So let’s see what happened with this…

With that being said, let what will be, be. Don’t try to force things out of fear that you won’t get anything better. The first good guy that pays attention to you doesn’t have to be your soulmate. This was such an amazing, out-of-the-ordinary event to happen to me, that I became convinced—embarrassingly, looking back—that I was going to marry this guy. Yep. I mean it. Don’t ever look at me. Seriously, though, I am being serious. He was everything I thought I could ever dream of: hockey player (a professional, at that, #$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$), my type of guy in the looks department, and also, from what I could see, he had a personality very similar to mine. I stalked his Instagram and saw how much he loves his family—so do I—and heard him say such wise, mature things in interviews; I stalked his Twitter and saw that he was a conservative and actually liked tweets with the same political views as me, ANOTHER RARITY, AND HE WAS SINGLE AND PAID ATTENTION TO ME, the biggest rarity of all, so I was like, well that was easy, there’s my soul mate. Just one problem: I’m only 15. I turned 16 a month later, but I still couldn’t marry him for two more years.

Oh so help me God, I really wanted him to wait for me for two more years. I read too much romance fiction growing up and knew this would be the perfect love story and the most romantic thing if we could actually have that happen based on one hockey game and some flirting. I gave myself mental hell analyzing everything he did, trying to degrade it to make it more “believable” and “certain,” I would constantly monitor his socials and worried about him getting a girlfriend, I would look at all the girls he followed, stalk their pages, stress over the photos he liked of them… Actually, I developed a lot of toxic habits as a result of this. Not of what he actually did—that was great—but of my obsessing again. I should have just enjoyed what he did, knowing it DID happen and WAS amazing, but instead, fearing I would never find another guy like him or have anything that wonderful ever happen again, I felt like he was my only chance. And I also mistakenly believed that it had to mean as much to him as it did to me to count for anything, so when I saw him another night a couple months later and it was an intense game where none of that flirting really happened, oh my gosh, that wasn’t a good deal for me. I’ll probably write about it later, but it just showed the mental state I was at in life at that time, and thank God I’m not there anymore. I’m writing this, though, because looking back, I saw that it didn’t have to be that way. God knows what He’s doing, and if He can do something awesome like that once, He can do it again, and it was something He intended obviously for a season, that did delight me and boost my confidence, but that’s where going ahead of Him and holding onto things you shouldn’t is dangerous. I drove myself to insanity about.

Social media followers don’t matter. Let that go. Okay, let’s cut to obsession #17588295178 I had during this time: social media followers and marketing, constantly thinking I needed more, that if I ever wanted to be a successful author, I needed to get more, that if I wanted to get a good career, period, I needed to get more, that I needed to start marketing myself, but I have to write, too, and marketing can be a full-time job… Have you had an aneurysm yet? Do you know why I don’t have any friends or a boyfriend yet, or am I answering that myself? Anyway, I know this affects more people than just me. It just happens to be that I not all that long ago just got over a hundred Instagram followers…so yeah. That probably reveals more to you about my nonexistent social life, too, if you didn’t believe me. And bless your heart if you actually do think 100 is a lot—and true, it’s better than nothing—but most kids my age have at least 500, and most of them are closer to a thousand and beyond. That’s like, standard. For college girls, they usually have about 3,000. And bloggers/”influencers” probably have at least 100,000 to really be going places. You need 10,000 to get access to extra business features with your audience on Instagram.

I can give you those numbers based on my own personal obsessing. They used to haunt me. That was a constant thought hanging over my head. I worried about what that said about me socially, and I worried more about what that said about me professionally, as a writer and, more specifically, as a blogger, where your career literally does revolve around those numbers. So then, how did I decide it doesn’t matter since I did want to be a blogger for a career?

Well, I decided that having my soul sucked dry wasn’t working for me anymore. It wasn’t helping my career regardless because every time I stressed about followers, it made me paralyzed with fear and indecision and I wouldn’t write at all. I also realized how much the devil’s tool social media really is, how pointless and destructive it inherently is, and how much more I enjoy living my life when I’m not living it on or for social media (read more about that in this post). Ever since I wrote that blog post (four years ago), I have never wanted to go back. I still have all my accounts, which I keep truly just for the purposes of sharing my blog and also keeping updated with my college groups, but as soon as I find a way that’s convenient to share my blog beyond that (let me know!!!) and I don’t need those college groups…I really would like to be off of it. I just can’t play the games anymore in good conscience. I mean, what if someone committed suicide by looking at my page? Now I know you might be like oh my gosh Ashlee, that’s a little drastic, and I know that people are responsible for the choices they make regardless, but I just started thinking that I know how it feels to be looking at other people’s stuff and feel so worthless inside and eaten up with jealousy. Why would I want to do that to another human being by curating a highlight reel just like everyone else does? How can I keep doing that when authenticity is my highest value? I have tried to brainstorm ways to make my social media less showy, to make it real, but I can’t. I just can’t. It is NOT real. It is not DESIGNED to be real. I like to share my blog and that’s it because I only feel comfortable doing that, since here I can give you the full story.

Like this completely uncensored train of thought I would have related to when I mentioned being upset by not getting attention from my peers: the loneliness I would feel in real life extended to my social media. I would look at my peers’ pictures, and I would see how allll the saaaaaame girls kept commenting all this stuff about them being sooooo beautiful, and I would look at the girl and think, Oh my gosh? Really? And I’ll cut the train of thought off there because it’s not nice. But it would just trigger that how-are-they-getting-attention-and-praise-when-I’m-not-and-I-should-be all over again. And again and again, my mom would tell me they’re just sucking up to who they know, but it would still perplex me every time.

Finally, I had to start believing my mom in knowing that who follows me doesn’t matter. It doesn’t say anything about who I am as a person or my blog. The algorithms of social media are ever-changing and actually incredibly destructive (highly recommend The Social Dilemma, I thought I knew most everything there was to know about the dark side of social media because I’ve done several school presentations and speeches over it, and I still found that sobering, and it reaffirmed everything about the need to GET OFF OF IT), so I realized again that it’s not all about me, and I realized I don’t want to spend my whole life marketing because that isn’t my passion, my forté, and it’s not something I believed was a worthwhile use of time since that attention is SO.FICKLE.

Also, the moment this really hit me? I’m warning you ahead of time this isn’t going to sound nice but I don’t care: I was looking at this particular celebrity’s page out of curiosity; she happened to repulse me as a person and I wanted to see what her page was like and if people actually followed her on there… EIGHT DIGITS OF FOLLOWERS AND THE RAUNCHIEST, DUMBEST CONTENT I HAVE SEEN IN MY LIFE LATER, I thought something like, you know what, those 90,000,000 idiots who follow her I don’t even WANT on my page… And her crap wasn’t even aesthetically pleasing or literally anything of value. Literally nothing. I can’t even, I still can’t even with what I saw. I just thought, if THAT is popular…then I am done. I don’t even want to compete. How do you compete with such blatant garbage, if people’s appetites are that disgusting?

Like I said, I know this wasn’t the nicest way to describe why social media followers don’t matter, but I’m tired of sugarcoating things. It is a JOKE what we allow to become popular and praiseworthy in our society, and the vast majority of social media is just that. If you want the attention that matters or a life that matters…seriously, stay away from it. I have spent so many nights crying over that disgusting crap, and sometimes I wished that I never even got involved with it, honestly. You will not miss anything by not being on social media. Some may say, oh, only your whole social life…but if that’s the case, you need to reflect on the social life you really want to have…most of them are just disgusting. I’ve already used that word; I have no other way to describe it anymore. When God tells you to not love the world, He is not just suggesting that. I am constantly amazed by how evil it is and how people actually find it entertaining. But hey, you can choose light or darkness, and I hope for those of you who do want light like me, you stop flirting with the darkness in hopes of trying to validate your worth. The light is already in you. You don’t need any part of the darkness of social media. *I’m not going to say it’s a sin to be on social media because there are ways to use it positively; I just think it’s incredibly challenging to do so and not become involved with the darker aspects of it, and if that hurts you like it did me, then I do recommend staying away from it.*

STOP OVERTHINKING. When you obsess and try to make more out of situations than what they were, you will drive yourself and your mom insane. The problem is when you find your security in people or moments rather than the Giver of those things. You don’t need to force exciting moments when you’re secure in Him. He brings what is best for you naturally. And if it doesn’t keep happening, He hasn’t let you down. Some things aren’t meant to be more than what they were. Thank Him for that. Know that the reasons you want things to be more are because you’re bored and lonely, but only He can fix that. Okay, this is also related to the hockey guy… I said that when nothing else happened with him and me, it wasn’t a good deal, and that’s because I had really set it in my head that since God had brought him in my life, then He would continue answering my prayers for something to actually happen, and when it didn’t, oh my gosh, I was so mad and upset. It’s embarrassing to think about now, but at the time it broke my heart, and I thought He had let me down and completely disappointed me… Obviously I got over that, but it was definitely a learning experience for me. I didn’t act very mature about it at all because I had so influenced myself with lies that I needed this guy and could never find anyone better, or that what God did give to me through him was the only thing that mattered in my life, which I felt was so lonely and pathetic compared to what it could be… I know better now, but it took me a WHILE to finally figure this out. I was pretty obsessed with him and, as I already mentioned, have several journals to document this whole process. Long story short, I placed everything on this one guy who I didn’t even know except for what he portrays to the public, and I made him the object of my dreams, ideas for my life, hope, excitement, etc. Only God can handle those things, not any guy.

Enjoy crispitos while you have them. I guess there’s something about a soft shell and ground beef that are impossible to obtain after a pandemic. Crispitos were my FAVORITE school lunch, and even though I would bring my whole lunch, I always had to get an entree of these when they had them. For awhile, our HyVee miraculously had these packaged at various times, but they would always go fast and then take awhile to come back. And now they haven’t been back in over a year, which makes me so sad. You wouldn’t think they’d be so hard to find since they’re so simple, but they are.

Focus on eternity. If you think eternity is boring or dull compared to life now, you don’t understand it well enough. A true perspective of eternity with God changes the way you live and view your life in amazing ways. I can’t recommend the book Heaven by Randy Alcorn enough. It is so life-changing, the way he studies and breaks down what the Bible actually says about heaven and eternity with God. I would say nearly everyone, including Christians, have no clue as to how amazing heaven really is and what it entails, and that drastically shows in how most people are living their lives. I read this quote the other day that David Jeremiah included in his study Bible, and I don’t remember for sure who said it, but it was something about how when people don’t understand heaven with God, they try to create heaven for themselves on earth, and oh my gosh, is that not what American society essentially is? Obviously that’s not just limited to our country, but you certainly see how our entire country is captivated by things, titles, attention, money, prestige, and all these other elements that people constitute as success or happiness—because those two things are worshipped. And that is what I started doing during this time of my life and still can do if I’m not careful. If I’m not focusing on God and living for Him, then inevitably I will start looking to how I can make my life feel better and take care of things myself and try to compensate for that void. And you can’t. You only further worry yourself by thinking you need all these things to create your dream life.

Whereas if you are living for God and the eternal rewards and work He does through you in this life, everything suddenly has so much more purpose and meaning, and any other gift and blessing is just a bonus. C.S. Lewis sums it up best when he says, “Aim at earth, and you end up with nothing. Aim at heaven, and you’ll get earth thrown in.” It’s not to say that our lives now DON’T matter—a proper understanding of heaven will give you an even more insightful view on how much your life DOES matter—but that focusing only on our lives and comfort with them now will not get us anywhere in the long run.

Stop stressing your career when you’ve planned more than most people even think of and you know God will fight for you and you’re still in high school. Learn the difference between planning and obsessing, organizing and controlling. Do your part to prepare and then trust God. That means you don’t need to help Him!! This is where getting pills/therapy was beneficial for me because some of that not being able to stop worrying about things, even when you want to, is part of a generalized anxiety disorder. It was like I couldn’t get my brain to stop going from dreaming to actually stressing about how to fulfill those dreams, even though there was nothing I could do since I was a high school junior, so then it created this sort of learned hopelessness, or I would pick out these random things I thought would deter me from getting a good job, like not having social media followers, for instance, or not obtaining a part-time job while I was in high school, and then I would be stressed about all of that. Now I’m like, oh gosh, really? I have talked to so many people who have been impressed with my ambition, and I’m not saying that to brag, I’m saying that because it was one of these things where these people were already thinking I’m on the right track and already ahead of the game, but I constantly thought I wasn’t. I always thought I had to do more, to know, to make sure I would get a good job. It wasn’t enough for me to just trust God because deep down, just like so many other things, I thought so much of it was still dependent on me. And it’s just not. Not to the extent I was taking it.

You will never achieve more by turning against God to fit in more with the world. The easiest way to know you’re being tempted by the devil is anytime you’re tempted to be less serious about God or to turn away from Him. You will never be happier choosing the world, regardless of how glamorous people can make sin look. Remember, all traps have something enticing before they destroy you. Another negative thing I would obsess over with the hockey guy is what all the girls he followed were doing. Nearly all of them were huge on the party/drinking scene, would post tons of inappropriate pictures, and looking at that stuff all the time, I became deceived into thinking there was actually something to that life, that maybe I should be more like those girls. It didn’t help that the devil would prey on the loneliness and sadness I already felt, using that to taunt me, like if I didn’t become more like those girls, I’d feel alone and sad my whole life. When I was looking into sororities at college, I would also see pictures of those sorts of girls, and I wondered if me being so serious about my faith would make me less likely to fit in there, and I actually wondered if I should become less serious… It’s actually frightening to see how easily I would consider that, to walk away from all that God has done through me. Thanks be to Him, it’s not that easy, and He’s not going to let me walk away from Him, but that’s not to say that the danger of straying isn’t very real and present. What I had to remember is that the devil is good at what he does—exploiting and studying your weak areas to lead you astray from God. I also had to remember that he’s a liar. When I started getting these ideas that I needed to be less serious and more skanky, that was certainly not from God. It wasn’t even from logic, though perhaps I was deceived into thinking it was. It was definitely lies from the devil. How do I know they are lies? Because they go against God. That life is not “better,” regardless of how society may worship it—the fact that society worships it tells you everything you need to know, too. People are notoriously terrible at doing what is best for them and good for them, and this is no exception. That could be a whole post in itself, but it is not a good thing to let your life revolve around drinking, guys, your looks, your body, hooking up…it is not what our souls are made for, and it will catch up with you. I’ve heard that from so many people who have been in those lifestyles and finally grew up.

God is the One who made fun. He is the One who designed our souls for deep connections. You will never find the stimulation and bonds you crave outside of Him because they would have to be degraded, water-down versions of His beautiful gifts. With that being said, some people will probably accuse me of having no fun, then, which isn’t true. The opposite of goodness is not fun, it’s sin, and the opposite of sin is not boredom, it’s freedom. Freedom to do fun things without baggage and natural consequences. Social gatherings and even parties and celebrations do not have to be sin! They were His ideas! But the fact that the word “party” has now become synonymous with all things alcohol and sex was not, that is what our society has done to it. I keep telling people I’d like to party more, and they’re like really, Ashlee? Then I have to clarify what I mean by “party,” and then you practically have nothing left when you subtract the drinking and sex because that’s primarily what people want to do when they party. They want to have cheap, casual, reckless fun, that you probably won’t even remember half the time, anyway, if you’re drunk. Or they want to have “relationships” with guys on their own terms, where you start it in bed and go from there if you’re willing, but we all know most of the time that’s not the case, either. And sex is one of God’s greatest gifts to us, which actually amazes me how people have taken something so precious and made it so cheap. When all you do is live by your inhibitions and urges, then I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but even as someone who does understand what it’s like to have deep desires and lusts, I still can’t imagine only having it like that. I pray that getting caught up in a moment wouldn’t become my undoing, as I’m sure for many people it is, because I know it would hurt me terribly afterwards. That is not connection, just going through a physical act without any of the other relational aspects. God knew what He was doing when He created us, and He knows us better than we know ourselves. Society loves to think they can teach us everything about finding our freedom through throwing our inhibitions out the window, but that’s exactly how you become their slave, then.

Stop doubting your success just because of the pain and trials you face now. With Him, you will overcome, and He will give you favor. High school was traumatic in the sense that I let how I thought I was perceived by others (my peers) define not only the person I am now, but the person I would be in the future and how my life would continue to go. Because I was lonely now, I thought (and still sometimes do) that I would be lonely forever. I would also doubt all these other life milestones I never used to, like getting married, getting a job I want, etc. because I had missed out on high school milestones, so I figured I wouldn’t have favor with those, either. It’s another lie, though. Life truly can change in a second, like it did with the hockey guy showing up, and I have many more examples than him. Plus, it is such a big world beyond just the place you are, which was especially true given my small town and high school. When you keep pressing on for God’s glory, He will give you favor, and you will reap the good you’ve sown (Galatians 6:9).

Your family’s stress does not have to be your stress. Learn healthy boundaries. This is something I have always struggled with, but I’ve learned there’s a difference between empathy and actually having this dysfunction where when someone else is stressed or upset, so are you. That’s not healthy, and I’ve had to constantly work on retraining my brain to learn this with people. At the end of the day, you are only responsible for yourself. Focus on asking God to help you find the healing and freedom you need from anything.

Work out for your mental state and because you enjoy it, not for a hotter body. Learn to do your best and enjoy the journey of becoming stronger rather than fretting that you need to get there faster and push yourself too hard. I started making some simple, daily workouts a priority right before 10th grade, and I thank God that He instilled in me such a love for it. It was such a huge blessing over the years, it helped me cope and think and relieve stress in numerous ways, and it definitely helped my overall physical strength. It did not always start out that way, though. I started working out because I hated how “fat” I had become when I got my womanly figure, and yes I also had heard exercise was good for your mental health and it had been a love of mine in the past, so I wanted to get back at it. There were times, though, especially throughout the school year, where I got hung up on the physical results rather than my physical health. I would get upset when I felt more tired during a workout and would say things to myself like, you’ll never get a tinier waist if you don’t do this. It was unhealthy because I was blind to the beauty I already had and caught up in constantly thinking I needed to be better. Thankfully, God eventually helped me overcome that, and I learned to just do my best every night. It was about showing up rather than specific progress. If you keep showing up, the progress eventually comes.

You will get through the craziest, most stressful seasons of your life. When you look back and yearn for the easier seasons before, remember that they were there once. They’ll come back again. Oh my gosh, my entire sophomore year and quite a bit of my junior year, too, felt like a perfect storm for my family. We’ve had several of those, and these two years carried a majority of them. There was drama going on where we lived, drama with jobs, sad and challenging circumstances with the health of my aunt and then when she eventually passed away, a brutal winter and accident there (in our own driveway…) and drama following that. Then some of that same stuff continued into junior year, and during our “break” and when the world exploded with the pandemic, that is when my mom ended up losing a job she’d had for decades. There were many times I would actually think back to my freshman year and how much better things were then, and I would wonder when the drama and stress was ever going to end. It does. It can come and go, but each time it comes, you really are growing when you have God, even if it doesn’t feel that way at first. And no season will last forever.

Don’t give your peers so much power over you. You are hot, you are fashionable, you are talented, and you don’t need them to validate that. End of story. Don’t compare. Don’t “see what they’re up to.” Know your worth in Him and ask Him to help you let them go.

You’re NOT FAT. There’s nothing wrong with the shape of your butt. Learn to love your body and embrace what makes it YOURS. It’s not the end-all for attention and success in life. Sorry not sorry, I had to put this on, because this gave me grief, especially during 10th grade when my body image was so bad. I just look back and am like, I definitely did not see myself clearly, but I was too hung up in, obviously, my own pain, “inadequacy,” and how I thought I could fix my problems—by just being so beautiful, nobody could ignore me. That was never the case, though, where me being ignored was about that. And even if it were, that would be the most shallow, irrelevant sort of attention. It really doesn’t matter as much as I thought, as much as sometimes I still think it does (because now I’ve almost flipped the other way, where I love how I look so much and get mad that I’m still being ignored, but that’s because, AGAIN, it was never about that, and it doesn’t mean I’ll be ignored forever or that I need other people to agree with me that I look good).

Learn to relax. Not much else is more important than that. Learn to find peace in Him before you go after any other goal. Learning to relax literally became my goal when I kept seeing quotes about people wishing for that, and finally, after numerous conversations with my family, it finally sunk in that I needed to take a time out with a lot of things. I created so much mental stress by expecting myself to do so many things on top of the stress I already had with school, and that burned me out bad.

You have so much to live for. Don’t let the pain in one small, temporary area of life ruin the rest of it or steal your joy and hope. If I do have any true regrets from high school, it would be this. I let it make me feel inferior, pathetic, etc. I let it determine how I viewed my future and hope. I let it steal my confidence, and I definitely wish I wouldn’t have. None of the things I went through were that big of a deal looking back. I know it seems that way in the moment, but that’s why you have to be diligent in how you talk to yourself. Don’t interpret the silence of others or of God as reflecting back on you in a bad way. You have no idea all that He’s preparing for you and how much is actually happening. Your life is still beautiful, special, and very meaningful.

Things are rarely as they seem, so stop worrying about what other people are doing. Social media does not tell the truth. There are many people that don’t tell the truth, period. Mom and I binge-watched this documentary that amazed us at how the organization it was about could deliberately spin such lies through its public relations and what not. Had this documentary and others not been made, people might actually believe it was doing all these great things, while inside there was such hideous corruption and evil that they were working that much harder to cover up. Try to remember that when you feel inferior to the scripted and carefully projected things you see.

It’s okay to cry, but don’t take what your peers do or don’t do personally. It’s not you. Remember who matters. Another thing I regret. A guy could so much as be standing someplace when I walked over, then walk away to his other friends, and I would feel bad about that. You can’t take everything so personally. Even if people don’t like you, that’s on them. All you can do is shine for God. Having His approval is truly all that matters. The people who also share His light will love you through that, too.

Don’t take what your crush does (or doesn’t…) personally. Have confidence in who God has made you and don’t let him bother you because he can’t if you don’t let him. You had worth before you ever decided to like someone, and you’ll have worth regardless of if they acknowledge that or not.

Learning what you don’t want will teach you exactly what you do. Try to view difficult circumstances in light of this. When people don’t love each other as they should, take accountability like they should, reach out to others as they should, let it inspire you to do better, to answer the call and give glory to God through that. You’re not responsible for other people’s behaviors, but oftentimes seeing the darkness in others can help you more clearly evaluate it in yourself and seek God to overcome it, as well as know what to look for in future friends, a mate, and how you go about handling situations in your own life. A lot of heartbreak can be necessary to really see things as they are and to grow.

Stop trying to be happier than your peers. You’re never going to find happiness that way. Leave vengeance to God. Another one of the ways I wanted to vindicate myself and one of the reasons why I felt tempted to see what my peers were up to on social media was because of this. I wanted to see what they were doing, how they looked, and all this stuff, and make sure I was doing it better. I only, once again, drove myself further into despair. Rather than enjoying the beauty of my own life, I was constantly looking at what I perceived to be the “beauty” in theirs, then trying to one-up it, which was exhausting. The way to happiness is to choose it, and it is only when you are focused on God that He can help you truly do that, to embrace the beauty of your own life and all He’s done. And to find healing with peers who have hurt you, you have to simply move on and quit giving them your attention. Let God deal with the people who have hurt you and the dysfunction in their lives. You will only get distracted from your own blessings and rewards and purpose by focusing on them needing to “get theirs.”

You don’t need to go out with your crush to validate your high school experience. You might not even want that. It’s too easy when you feel so lonely to project your ideas of who you want someone to be for you onto a person you don’t really know, and then you’d get even more hurt when you actually found that out. Don’t let their failure to be who you need let you think that people don’t care. Another little disappointment I had, when my crush wouldn’t pursue me like I thought they would want to in my head, that I then projected onto people in general, such as if he doesn’t care, there’s plenty of others who don’t, and then I would sink further into my despair. Really, it was all in my head, whether he cared a ton or didn’t. In reality, he probably didn’t feel either way. And he certainly doesn’t determine how people in my life as a whole feel about me or how people I meet in the future will. Again, one or several disappointments don’t need to define your life. They signify the wrong fit for their given circumstances, not your whole life and future. Even if most people didn’t want to be your friend, it doesn’t mean you will never have friends. Even if several guys rejected you, it doesn’t mean you won’t find one who adores you. God has a purpose through your disappointments to protect you from things that would ultimately not be good or best for you.

Partying is not the answer to your problems. Stop flirting with the idea of sin. Sometimes amidst the stress and pain I felt, even if I knew partying wasn’t good for me, my emotions tried to convince me otherwise, that I just needed to get lost in it so I could finally forget my pain and at least get something—that something being attention, anyway. Again, it’s a lie. You don’t forget forever! Then you have even more problems because running from them will never solve them. Sin destroys, it can never be meant for good. GOD can turn anything into good, but sin itself will never result in good things unless redeemed by God.

Quit letting your thoughts control you. And if that feels too hard, get on pills already. Not trying to promote the idea of being a pill-popper or using meds to make yourself feel better in any way, BUT there are legitimate disorders that can make it very challenging to have better thoughts if you don’t first resolve chemical imbalances in your brain. Consult your doctors and mental health professionals for what is best for you, and of course seek God for His guidance.

Doing nothing can be the most productive thing at times. Given that this is a post about high school, I’m not exactly referring to schoolwork 😉 (although I did take this advice to heart during the pandemic when everything went online…I just went weeks without doing anything because I simply hit a wall…so then I had to hurry and get everything done the last few weeks, wasn’t exactly my best decision but it worked out). Nevertheless, you do have to make time to truly just be still. Let go of the worries in your mind, the things you feel like you have to be doing, and even the things you are supposed to be doing, even if it’s just for an hour, and simply lay down and talk to God or just rest in Him. Sometimes when your body and mind are so conditioned to the hustle and stress of life, that will impair your functionality worse than if you weren’t doing anything, so prioritize being still with God. Unfortunately, we actually live in a society that tries to make this impossible; everybody is all about hustling and doing as much as possible, but God commands the opposite (Psalm 46:10). We can’t stop the hustle of everything around us, but we have to learn to make time for Him to be still or we’ll pay the price. It’s not hard to see how society is.

You are very good at letting ideas run your life, but your desires really can change. Don’t ever pine your happiness or joy in life on whether you do or don’t get something. I remember one time in particular, I was looking at the PINK campus rep page on Victoria’s Secret, which is where each university (primarily state ones, I believe), have a couple girls who promote the brand on their college campus and get to partake in some fun events and trainings with the brand as a result, and I thought I had to get that or do this in college or else I would feel so bad if I wasn’t accepted. Now I’m like…I just shake my head. It was something I was interested in, so I actually did apply, but it’s not going to define my life either way anymore however it goes. Sometimes I wonder if I really would want it. It’s so easy to once again fall in love with things as they are portrayed to be, but the reality can often be far from that, and regardless, nothing should ever hold so much power over you where you would feel like your life means nothing without it. There can always be new, amazing opportunities you haven’t even thought of yet. Trust God that He knows what is best for you to have in your life.

You will be a great driver. Get your confidence back. You don’t have to be perfect to be good. Love, senior me who drives all the time, including Dad’s truck, and who has made several near-death mistakes but is still alive with a clear and accident-free record.

You don’t need a job. You don’t need a car. You don’t need XYZ. God will work out your life. When He prompts you to take action, do, but quit making painful action in your own mind. I began realizing near the end of my junior year, FINALLY, that so many of the things I journaled about as giving me grief were really not even problems, they were things I felt like I needed and that I felt would be a problem otherwise. Learning the difference between a true problem and what are just your own thoughts trying to deceive you is valuable, which is why I highly recommend journaling as well. Slowly but surely, God will reveal to you the difference and help you with the true problems, as well as with discerning what is not. Remember that growth is a personal thing and there is no right or wrong journey except for doing right for God, and He will guide you to have these things when and if He wants you to.

Stop comparing others’ success to yours when they’re not where you are. Stop expecting a story like someone else’s. Let God surprise you. Throughout high school, I would constantly compare myself to other bloggers and wonder why I wasn’t as successful as them or other Christians with their writing/ministries. Most of the time they were way older than me, in a different season of their lives (i.e., out of high school and college), and just had a different story than me. Sometimes that would make me resentful if I thought their story was better than mine or filled with more opportunities to achieve the success they’d obtained, but eventually God revealed to me that wishing for a story just like someone else’s actually degrades my own. Even if my own story doesn’t feel good at the time, I am robbing it of its future potential by expecting it to be like another person’s. I also needed to learn that I am not the author of my own story (a hard thing to learn when I literally am an author) and that God has a good story for me even if it’s not like the one I wrote for myself or the other stories I read of others. And I know, it’s easy when you don’t like where you’re at in your story to scoff at this and be like well that’s great that it’s not like others’, we kind of figured that out, so how am I supposed to believe it can be good? That’s where the last part of this point comes into play. You don’t have to figure it out or write it yourself. Trust Him and be patient. Not my favorite advice to give or receive, but it is what it is. The best things in life really do take time.

Don’t be so scared to make contact with your crush. Just rip the bandaid off and decide that anything he does isn’t going to kill you. I wish for my own mental sake that I would have reached out to my crush a lot sooner just because otherwise I would overthink it to death. The reason I didn’t is because I was terrified of rejection, and even though I constantly was trying to be “objective” in my analysis of whether or not he liked me back, I was still not comfortable with the idea of certainly knowing that he didn’t. Well, it’s not that big of a deal. You literally won’t die if he doesn’t. It can definitely feel painful, but you have to put it in perspective. Again, is that a real problem? Of course it’s painful, but it’s not like no one loves you or that no one ever will. He is ONE PERSON. Also, another reason I delayed was because I am very stubborn about a guy making the first move, and I actually do staunchly believe he should, yet at the same time, with this case, my crush didn’t know me well, so I thought if I did show some interest by reaching out, he’d GET A HINT, but unfortunately I learned it is true that if a guy wants you he will do something about it. It sucks because most guys are slow and like to play stupid games, but it’s true. It’s painful waiting for the one guy who isn’t like that, who will actually do the right thing and pursue you undeniably and chivalrously, but that is how it should be, how men are designed to be, and it is very possible that a guy can still like you, I believe, and not act on it nonetheless because he isn’t developed maturity-wise to handle you at your depth. For that reason, I don’t recommend being the one to pursue a guy, but making the first move can sometimes be helpful to know where you’re at in a guy’s mind.

You don’t have to do it all right now. I know the world worships completing all of your goals as fast as possible, but that is not how life was intended to be, it is merely a cultural worldview, and a wrong one, at that. You have time. You have the freedom to LIVE and not spend every moment stressing over everything you need to do. If you feel like you don’t, then that would be a great time to be still with God and seek His will for you. One of the biggest demons I had was this mindset that I needed to be a famous author at a young age. I have had that aspiration forever—I don’t know why, it’s just been in me since I was a young girl. When I wrote my first book at 11 years old, I really only thought it would take another year or two to get it published. I thought I would have several books (and movies, I dream big) out in the world by the time I was 18. When this didn’t happen, once again, I was crushed. I kind of lost my will with a lot of things and was really depressed because I felt like I had failed, that if only I had done more/been a faster writer/not been so lazy/not taken so much time off from writing/tried harder to revise/reached out to people/etc., I would have done it.

As you can imagine, this affected my motivation to write at all going forward. I would think that since I hadn’t reached my life’s dream of becoming a famous author, then when would it finally happen, and did I even know if I would get published at all? Then I would wonder what the point is. Well, the point is that I have a writer’s mind, and if you have that, then you know that you simply cannot stop writing because when you’re not writing, you’re constantly thinking about all you want to write about whether you like it or not. That’s just how my brain functions and always has. It’s a calling God has placed on my life, so even if it’s not playing out the way I dreamed up, it doesn’t mean I can just quit. He still has things to accomplish through me. It’s not the easiest thing to describe how I got over this because to be perfectly honest, I still sometimes do wonder why I couldn’t be a young, famous author. I would have all this money that I could give to people and wouldn’t have to worry about how I’m going to pay for my college. I would be reaching and inspiring people on a grand scale and making new partners and connections in Christ. Therein shows how I still struggle with defining my life and worth through those things. I constantly have to focus on my worth in Him and not adding things I do to the equation. I have to know that if He’d wanted me to be a famous author at a young age, I would have been. Since I wasn’t, that wasn’t His plan. I may not exactly like that, but I trust that He knows what is good and what is best and that He still has plans that are being worked out for me.

People who know you know what you bring to the table. Don’t worry about those who don’t. I have to be careful in writing this because I don’t want this point to act as an excuse to ignore when God is trying to correct you through other people. However, you have to be extremely careful about who you allow to hold that authority in your life. We should have a good reputation in Him for the most part through those we work with, but there are some things that are out of your control. The best way I know how to illustrate this is to draw on my personal experience: two people I trust to give me solid, truthful and loving advice are my mom and grandma because they know me best, and I know that they have an authentic, deep relationship with God and seek His will and wisdom always, so therefore I know that they are also seeking His will and best for my life and are going to be real and insightful with me as they can pick up on things about me I am blind to. I also check what they both say against each other/Scripture, and most of the time they both tell me the same things, which is also how I know they’re trustworthy in what they’re telling me. I also have a good reputation amongst my teachers and staff at school, so even though not all of them are Christians, I do most of my work for them and they have gotten to know me better than my peers, so I should have a positive influence on them if I’m setting a good example. With my peers, I do not know what they think of me, but I don’t work for them, only alongside them, and they lack the maturity of people like my teachers/staff who I do work for, so therefore I don’t worry what my peers think of me as much. Of course I still want to be a light for them, but when people are going with the culture and against God, their opinions are irrelevant to the work I am doing because they can’t understand it.

When you release your expectations, you will enjoy the days. When you focus on the good, the more you realize how much of it there is. Kind of a cliche thing, but it matters. There were many times throughout 11th grade I picked up on this, when I was actually in a good mood, and then it just got better because I was focusing more on positive things. Focus really is the critical element.

Destroy your unbelief. Quit entertaining it. Charles Stanley has a fabulous devotion about this; I’m going to do a post in the future over my favorite devotionals, and I’ll be sure to mention his book that inspired a bunch of this, but to sum it up, what he (and my mom, and my grandma…) had been telling me over and over again was how I had to stop doubting things and constantly worrying. In this post here that I wrote a long time ago, I mention how worrying is a sin, which some people don’t believe (I don’t believe a disorder is a sin but rather a condition from a sinful world, but it is still our responsibility to seek treatment and manage our thoughts to the best of our ability). Worrying is a sin, though, because think about it, what are you doing when you worry? I know for me, I’m doubting God, I’m trying to do things for Him or outright insisting that what I want is better and I’d rather do things my way, I’m telling Him that I’m not content with what He’s doing or His role as God, etc. That’s why unbelief is so toxic, and I don’t think anything destroyed my mental health quite as much as this did. It was all a vicious cycle: I let myself believe the lies of the devil with my pain and circumstances, allowing it to run my life, and then it would affect everything, like my ability to trust in and believe God for good things and His sovereignty and love. It made me anxious, depressed, hopeless, tired, agitated, edgy, furious, defiant, impatient, obsessive, lustful, and all that crap I faced. Because it took away my hope. If you can’t believe God is working for your good, then what do you believe? Where do you find hope for your life? I sank into quite the pit when I was doubting Him. The reason I doubted was because, once again, of my focus. Are we seeing a pattern in how all these things are intertwined? I focused too much on the temporary, on the here and now, or else too much on the somedays and how far the here and now was from my ideal someday, and I would not allow myself to just chill out with my ideas and let God have His will with me. Because I wasn’t trusting Him. I was finding my worth in the wrong things, in my own ambitions. I also didn’t clearly understand His love and that He loved me more than my most favorite people ever, and if they can want good things for me, then how much more can He! I had to remember that His plans weren’t to destroy me, even if He was allowing me to hurt. He didn’t take pleasure in my pain. Rather, the pain is designed to give way to more beautiful things, such as a heart that is set and secure on Him, not anything else, so that He alone can be the One to heal and comfort and love me through the disappointments, rejections, and trials of life. So that I can have true freedom. That is worth it. And you can’t find that out until you have been set free from everything else, including your own ideas and plans and pain.

What does God want from you in this time of your life? To trust. You’re the one who wants to do everything but that. So I had to eventually ask myself, okay, obviously God does not want me to become a rich, famous author and career girl and wife yet, so what DOES He want from me? I know He doesn’t want me to be in pain, but through pain He is trying to tell me something. What is that? When I finally came to the end of myself, I started asking those questions. And I realized that through it all, I was the one constantly thinking of things to do that were getting me “nowhere.” I knew I needed to surrender to Him in a way I hadn’t before, to finally surrender all the dreams and plans I’d had for my life, like being an author by a certain age, and to not only surrender those dreams, but to stop continually dreaming new things that should happen instead. I had to be okay with not knowing what was going to come of my life and just trust Him. And that’s it. That’s the end of that. I always wanted to add things to it, like I’ll trust Him with this, or I’ll trust Him because He did this for me, and the bottom line is, I had to trust Him because He is God. Not because I had any assurance that He would do what I wanted Him to. I had to trust Him because I believe He is good and loving and sovereign, regardless of how my emotions feel about that from day to day. It had to become a choice, a finality, rather than a day-to-day, ever-changing feeling.

Don’t ever feel like you have to flaunt your body just to compete with all the other girls who do. Remember what true confidence is. Doing that is selling yourself short. Any guy can see those pictures, and only the right, good, godly guy that God picks out for you deserves to see you like that. Okay, I can’t not mention this anymore, because let’s get real: the new developmental milestone of our culture has become the age where girls start posing ——– whatever word makes you grasp the end goal of their ~revealing~ photos. I know what word I’d use, but then what happens? I’m a “slut-shamer,” and God forbid we do any of that in 2021. I mean, hey, if teenage girls want any man in the world to see how great they look in a bikini, that’s their call, right? It’s all about empowering her sexuality!

Okay, excuse my sarcasm, but this is one of my biggest pet peeves because (1) it is so toxic for young girls to believe they have to do this to feel good about themselves, and (2) it is DISGUSTING how if you say anything about that, you are accused of degrading women. EXCUSE ME?!! Telling girls to protect their bodies from being lusted after by any random man or to wait to share that with only the right guy who will cherish them is DEGRADING??? Instead, what is EMPOWERING is feeling like you HAVE to be posting sexy pictures of yourself for your worth? What the heck is that telling women? That they have every right to do that, because the only way a woman can feel empowered in her sexuality is if tons of people see her looking like that and praise how “hot” she is? That makes me sick because it’s so far from the truth, and the saddest thing is that so many girls believe these lies, see how all these other girls do it, and then they want to do it to receive the attention, too. Even I was tempted to do it because let’s face it: that crap does get you fast attention, and I felt resentful that if my peers were getting attention through their bodies, here I’d worked hard to have a great body, but I never showed it off and therefore didn’t get that attention.

But that’s the PROBLEM. We’re so conditioned to finding our worth through that. When you need that attention in the first place, it is a sign of insecurity. I’m saying that because why was I ever tempted to post slutty pictures of myself? Because I felt bad without it, that’s why. I didn’t have confidence to know that I didn’t need that from random people, that not just anyone should have that view of me. Thankfully, I never did post inappropriate pictures and pray I never do, but that’s probably the new temptation every girl has to face in our wonderful age of social media and “female empowerment.”

Think about it this way: any guy can see pictures you post of yourself like that. Any guy who can abuse, use, and hurt you. Why should they just be given that, without having to even do anything to see you like that? How is that empowering to you, to let anyone see your body? Only a guy who is committed to loving you for all that you are and for who God has made you to be should see you like that because your body is precious and unique and made for him, not any guy who stumbles across you and doesn’t even know you.

There’s a lot of people who didn’t enjoy high school that achieve great success later in life. This isn’t all there is. It’s okay that you didn’t enjoy it. Probably another big thing I struggled with was feeling somehow less than that I didn’t enjoy my high school years, like that somehow disadvantaged my success later on in life. I think it’s quite the contrary, though. It was my loneliness that allowed me to give my undivided attention to (1) my studies and doing my absolute best in all my obligations and (2) myself and my relationship with God and His purpose and will for my life. I was able to learn about who I am in Him, discover the things I did and didn’t like, what I feel He is calling me to pursue later in life, and all these experiences I’ve had that I can use to inspire and encourage others in the future. I learned what matters and what doesn’t.

The more your world falls apart, the more secure you will become. When there’s not a whole lot to cling to, God is the only One you can cling to. And that rights everything. Surprisingly, when my mom lost her job, which is something I’d worried about at various times at much earlier parts of my life, I didn’t lose my crap like I thought I would. I think I went numb, actually, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Maybe at first I was numb because I was bitter and couldn’t believe that would be yet another bad thing to happen to us, but then it became resignation, like you know what, God brings us through every bad thing, He does do good through things that don’t make sense at the time, and for once I’d like to see what happens when I don’t stand in His way. There’s a sort of peace and freedom that comes upon you when your worst fear manifests itself. All the anticipation and anxiety of expecting it is suddenly blown to pieces because it’s not necessary anymore as the event has happened, and instead there’s a humble, tranquil spirit instilled in you that helps you pick up the pieces of your mind and fragment them back into the frame where they should be: the frame of mind that clings to God alone. We have so much to cling to in this society that we often don’t cling to God until there’s nothing left. How, then, can we find true freedom and peace? Having your life blown to pieces is good every now and then, it’s good for the soul because it lets the soul do what the soul was made for: rest and rely completely on God.

Faith means believing what you can’t see. So when the future is unknown, choose not to fear it. Choose to trust that God will deliver. This is what I had to do when my mom lost her job. It’s what I have to do with everything I pray over. It’s funny because so many times, when my mom and grandma would try to encourage me by saying I will get married, find my people, or anything like that, I would quip, “Well, I’ll believe it when I see it or when I finally get it.” That is not faith! What good is my faith, then? I saw how again and again, God delivered me throughout high school. That doesn’t mean He gave me everything I wanted, but He certainly gave me everything that I needed. He did give me all the things I wanted that were good for me. But the things I wanted I did not receive, I already know they were not good for me. Another of my favorite quotes: “God never denies our heart’s desire except to give us something better.”

Through all of the pain and loneliness, you are going to learn what really matters in life. Ultimately, that is so much more valuable than any social experience. I have freedom that is hard to describe because my worth doesn’t rest in what my peers think or do, and it’s not dependent on anything I’ve achieved or not. It is dependent completely on who God says I am and what He is doing through my life. I have received and made the most of obtaining an education that will prepare me for the next stage of my life, and I have no regrets there. I was able to seek His will for me through it all and come out truly knowing so much more about who I am in Him, my place in the world, and how He wants me to live and go forward for Him and to bless others. Life is about that, people. We were put on this earth to love God and share His love with others. That’s where joy and peace are found. And I learned that day in and day out. Fought with God a lot, but even that taught me so much. Praise Him that “He who began a good work in [me] will carry it on to completion…” (Philippians 1:6 NIV). He will do that for anyone who is willing, who surrenders completely to Him.

Learn to be okay with disappointment and to redirect that energy back to Him. Rather than constantly fighting with God when I didn’t get my way, I wish I would have surrendered quicker and just trusted that disappointment can become the backbone for some of the most beautiful things. I talk about that more here. Used a looooot of energy arguing and pouting with Him, when He was just waiting for me, saying, “Ashlee, I’m here, and I love you. I know you’re hurt by this, but I know what is ultimately best for you, and I want you just to trust Me while I work out my wonderful plans for Your life. Give up control and let Me take care of you. I promise I will.” Mom and Grandma were always faithful in pointing me back to Him (don’t marry until a guy does the same, everything in your life should always be leading you back to Him).

Learn what perfectionism really is and destroy it. Perfectionism actually goes deeper than simply wanting to be perfect or obsessing over all the details of something to try and make it perfect. It’s an entire mindset that shapes how you view the purpose of life. For example, Mom let me read a book she’d had about perfectionism because I told her I wanted to start reading about it to help get over it, and one of the points in the book blew me away, essentially saying that people who are perfectionists believe that if everything were the way we wanted it, that would make us completely happy. That was a game-changer for me because that is totally what I was doing with all my ideas and dreams. Once I was aware of that, it helped me be more accepting of disappointments in life and how the world is cursed because of sin. Just taking those burdens off, to quit looking for things that WON’T be disappointing, because that is never going to be the case in this life.

Learn how to surrender. It involves one word: trust. The dictionary describes surrender as “[to] cease resistance to…and submit to their authority” and “[to] abandon oneself entirely to.” It’s interesting because in the first definition, the … said “an enemy or opponent.” When we don’t trust God, whether we realize it or not, we are fighting against Him and making Him our enemy. But we know He’s not! So why do we act like He is? Because it’s so easy to demand our own way and the desires of our flesh. When we surrender, we take our focus off ourself and elevate Him as Lord and Savior of our lives, which is where He is meant to be. It is only when we recognize and treat Him as such that we will find peace and rest in our souls. He designed us with that need, so when we fight against it, we are also fighting with our own personhood, which is why it’s all the more exhausting. This isn’t a hard concept; what’s hard is the constant desire to begin fighting against Him again. Surrendering has to be a constant action and mindset we adopt.

Learn to enjoy patience. You don’t have to resent it. The final point! Looking back on it all, patience isn’t so bad. Yes, there were times I wanted to explode because making money right now would be nice, having a boyfriend to cuddle with would certainly decrease my anxiety, and being in the Bahamas next weekend sounds delightful to me, but the thing is, God does love you, He will give you good gifts, but He knows in His love for your best when that is appropriate. Through the discomfort I felt over the years, I had to learn some very important life lessons first. And I did get lots of sleep and time to myself, which aided the process of learning about myself and Him and becoming a better writer and showing me what the world needs and how to shine His light and all these things that are going to set me up to do the works He has planned for me. When life got busy, I resented it because I just wanted time to myself and time to SLEEP, yet throughout all these years, I complained about waiting and how boring it was. The moral of the story is this: life is hard because we live in a sinful world. Because of that, it will always be hard until we are with God. However, when we are in Christ, He does not intend for us to be loaded down. He intends to make life easier for us, not harder, through the way we view the world and live in assurance of His love, hope, and work in our lives. So what does that mean? That means: just live. In the words of Micah 6:8 NIV, “He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

That’s it. Or as Jesus sums it up in Mark 12:30-31, love Him and love people. That means if God has you waiting, don’t fight with Him about it. Just enjoy it. Enjoy where He has you. It’s all got a purpose that will come together and astound you if you would but be obedient to and love and trust Him along the way. John Piper once said this absolutely astounding thing in a sermon I was watching him preach to a group of prisoners, where he said that if you’re a child of God, he asked what form do His blessings take? And then he answered his own question in saying, “I’ll tell you what form—EVERY FORM!” That includes seasons of waiting. That includes any trials He allows—John Piper said this to prisoners serving long sentences, mind you—and God can use even those things to do amazing work in people’s lives and set them truly free in Him. The same is true for you if you will let Him. I’ve fought enough with Him over the years, hopefully I’m done, though I know it’s human nature to wrestle with Him, but anymore, I just want to be His humble servant. I know He is good and faithful, and I am making the CHOICE to trust Him completely.

Whew, what a ride. I think the next post is going to have to be shorter, this is wearing me out. 😉 It’s so good, though, for me to reflect like this. I’m so thankful that He won’t give up on me and that He won’t on you, either. Another post I will also be putting out in the future to go more in depth on many of the topics I started on in this post is when I share the things my mom and grandma have taught me. They were such an encouragement throughout these years, and God did such powerful work through them in my life. There were so many times I texted them throughout the days discouraged, and they were always so faithful to lead me back to Him. I couldn’t have gotten through it without God putting them in my life, so stay tuned for when I eventually talk more about that. In the meantime, I have ONE post left over the things I wish I would have known senior year, and then I’m going to end it on a lighter note by recapping my favorite memories from high school or at least good things that happened to me throughout it to show how God did provide and helped me have joy despite it all, and then I would like to share some songs that encouraged me and a few quotes that inspired me amidst the hardships of it all. THANK YOU so much for reading my novels on this. I also want to note how much God used all of YOU in my life throughout high school. Seriously, the kind words you shared with me were what spoke to my soul through my times of anxiety and depression and reminded me not to give up. God has used you all to help me. I pray in turn that He will continue using me to help you.