As promised, here is my post that did, in fact, take me more than six months to finally publish! I talk a lot on here about my favorites: favorite movies, favorite songs, favorite quotes, etc. because when God brings certain tools like those to help encourage and further develop me, they end up meaning a lot to me and can be something I go back to reference when I’m feeling down or just want the reminders.
Another thing I’ve blogged a lot about is how I’ve felt alone most of my life amidst my peers. And I’ve tried a lot of things to try and dull that consistent ache in my soul, from outright denial of it to insisting I don’t need friends to amplifying the pain so much that it paralyzes me. In between all of that over the years, God has been faithful, patient, and kind to me, reminding me of His love and provision through it all, as well as His truth and encouragement over loneliness. Quotes from other people cannot be substitutes for His Word, which also says a lot on loneliness, but He has used some wise words from various godly people or even words in general that maybe aren’t from godly sources but still go along with His truth, and I wanted to compile all my favorites here because loneliness is an ever prevalent feeling in this world, even when you’re surrounded by people (and sometimes still even with good people).
In college, I have been blessed to make a lot more friends and connections than I ever did in high school, and some of those people are actively pursuing God and some of them aren’t. Even with people who are, I’m still getting to know them, and I have such an intensity about me for connection that it takes time to really develop relationships like I want them. So even though there’s more people in my life, I still definitely can get that feeling of loneliness or just feeling like my soul itself is lonely/doesn’t have a lot of people truly like it. The quotes I’m going to share with you have always encouraged me when I’ve been extremely down or feeling good about it all, and they will always mean a lot to me. Some of them may have been shared in other posts before and I’ll try to limit those, but they’re worth taking to heart again and again. I hope wherever you’re at, God uses them to encourage you, too.
“Don’t chase people. Be an example. Attract them. Work hard and be yourself. The people who belong in your life will come find you and stay. Just do your thing.”
To start out with, I saw I did share this quote before, but I’m sharing it again because I think this is the overarching takeaway. I know for me, it has been so easy to beat myself up for my loneliness, try to force connections, and feel like if I were a different sort of person I’d have more friends. In essence, I felt like it was my fault that I was lonely and that something had to be wrong with me or else I wouldn’t be struggling to find my peers. This is part of that societal conditioning that teaches us everything is in our control, and it’s not. God is sovereign over everything, including the people He does or does not allow in your life. Your job isn’t to go hunt people down and beg them to be your friends. Your job is to continually develop into the healthiest and holiest version of yourself that He’s called you to be, continually pursue Him, display His kindness and love to those in your life, and trust Him with the rest. As C.S. Lewis has said (another quote 😉), your business isn’t to succeed, it’s to do right—the rest is up to Him. That applies to relationships as well. As we’ll see in these other quotes, there’re reasons why God may not allow a ton of relationships in your life.
“I feel small but so are stars from a distance.” ~Ten Word Poem
Okay, before I get in to the analysis of this, I had a good laugh when I saved this one on Pinterest. You always get the types of people in the world who pretty much refuse to look at anything through a romantic or wonderful lens. You can comment on pins and I see this one person wrote, “Everything is what’s your point.” I tell ya, you just gotta laugh about it sometimes. Anyway, the POINT is that this is actually a really profound thing if you think about it. It is so easy to feel small and lonely and overlooked and neglected in this world, BUT God, Who’s created ALL the stars in their innumerable array, knows them all by name (Isaiah 40:26; Psalm 147:4), and HOW MUCH MORE does He know YOU and all your ways as well (Matthew 6:26). Don’t let your loneliness convince you that He doesn’t love you and actively has His hand on your life. He does.
“Adam was not lonely because he was imperfect. Adam was lonely because he was perfect. Adam was lonely because he was like God, and therefore, since he was like God, he had to have someone to love, someone to work with, someone to talk to, someone to share with.
All of our other problems—our anger, our anxiety, our fear, our cowardice—arise out of sin and our imperfections. Loneliness is the one problem you have because you’re made in the image of God.” -Timothy Keller
OKAY. I have shared this quote as well before but I’m really digging into it now. If you struggle with loneliness in any capacity, you ought to print this and get it framed on your wall. This quote has saved my life again and again through my depression out of loneliness. Seriously, when I read this, it just completely changed the game. This is the case in point for why loneliness isn’t your fault. I mean sure, if you’re not a nice person or purposefully isolate yourself, then yes, there’s a thing called natural consequences, but for the purposes of this post we’re not talking about that—we’re talking about consistent loneliness when you’re close to God and obeying Him. Hearing that this wasn’t some flaw of mine and that it wasn’t something I could just go out and fix was such a comfort. Maybe some people despise that because they do want to fix everything in their life, but if you try that for a long enough time you’ll realize (a) it’s fruitless and (b) it’s exhausting. I hated constantly feeling like I was being social, friendly, kind, yet I still wasn’t gaining lifelong, authentic friends. Even now I still can feel that way when I put a ton of pressure on myself.
What a FREEDOM it is to let that go, to maybe actually EMBRACE your loneliness. And if that sounds crazy, think of it this way: according to this truth, there’s actually BEAUTY in being deeply lonely because that is the problem you have from being made in the likeness of God, so think of how much closer you can draw to Him in that. Think of how much you are learning about Him and who He is through sharing in His likeness of needing someone to love and connect with. I have never learned so much about who God is as I did growing up when I had hardly any friends. In fact, when I got to college, I actually grieved that. Yep, I grieved the season of near total loneliness amidst my peers—never in a million years thought that would happen, but it was truly because I told my mom, I gained such a special relationship to Him through that. I learned about Him and drew close to Him in a way I never would’ve gotten to otherwise. And that relationship is not done or over, and my feelings of loneliness aren’t completely gone, either, but I don’t fight them like I used to anymore. I use it to draw ever closer to Him. And when I feel sad about being overlooked, rejected, or neglected, I remember He was first. And through that, I understood what the Bible was talking about when it said to boast in sharing in His sufferings (Romans 8:17).
“If a man wants to be used by God, he cannot spend all of his time with people.” ~A.W. Tozer
This is the last quote I’ll repeat that I’ve posted elsewhere. This ties right in to what I was saying about drawing close to Him—it’s an opportunity you need if you want to do great things for Him. The Bible is full of examples of great leaders who God chose to do wonderful things for Him that He always isolated first: Moses, Joseph, JESUS HIMSELF. Again, don’t resent and underestimate the season of loneliness in your life. For awhile, that’s what I did because I knew so many people were praying that I would find godly friends, and I would think, you can go ahead and stop that; clearly they aren’t in His plans for me, but then I gradually stopped fighting with Him about it and started actually listening to what He wanted from me during it and what He was trying to do for me, and like I said, I don’t take it for granted anymore. Loneliness is a real burden and pain—I’m not saying it isn’t, and God knows it is (He’s the One Who created you with the need and desire for people)—BUT like any trial He allows in your life, there are reasons for and blessings through it as long as you keep on trusting Him. Just wait it out, stay close to Him, and don’t lose your faith. That’s what I have to tell myself over and over and praise Him have had people tell me, whether ones in my life or ones over the internet such as A.W. Tozer in this quote.
“Stop waiting for someone else to say that you count, that you matter, that you have worth, that you have a voice, a place, that you are called.
Didn’t you know, Darling? The One who knit you together in your mother’s womb is the One singing these words over you, you are chosen.” ~Sarah Bessey
I think this is just so perfect because it’s undeniably true. It is amazing and tragic how much we run after love and affection from people who really don’t matter because we weren’t created for them, we were created by and for our Creator. If HE gave us the need to feel loved and valued, HE is the One who will fulfill it because HE is the One who supplies all of our needs (Philippians 4:19). And He is the One who is always pursuing us with this love, these truths, but we keep restlessly running and searching for affection to parallel it, only it never will, because nobody can provide for our needs like the One who made us, period.
And by the way, don’t take God choosing you lightly. A harder concept to explain that I don’t dare attempt to cover in this post but that matters is God’s election—meaning that He does choose who He will save. And I know people’s immediate response to that is how He is unfair and how can it be that He calls everyone but chooses who to save, and again, to sum it up very briefly: the ones who respond to His call and get saved are His chosen. Yes, He calls everyone, but He’s also chosen who’s going to respond. And yes, evangelism and sharing one’s faith are still extremely important because that’s His business who He’s called and He prepares those He’s chosen to be around people who share Him with them. Yes, He is still completely loving and just because He is God, He can choose all of us or none of us and either way would be completely justified, so if He’s calling you, stop fighting. Stop overlooking the beauty of being His chosen. It’s more true than you imagine that many are called and few are chosen, so don’t become flippant about the beauty of Him saving you out of His mercy alone. (Before we continue, I realize grasping this concept is super difficult and can seem to rattle your whole world when you first learn of it, so I will come back to it, just not in this post. God still gives everyone the chance to come to Him, and if you want to, you can. That’s still the whole point.)
“Be alone. Eat alone, take yourself on dates, sleep alone. In the midst of this you will learn about yourself. You will grow, you will figure out what inspires you, you will curate your own dreams, your own beliefs, your own stunning clarity, and when you do meet the person who makes your cells dance, you will be sure of it, because you are sure of yourself.” ~@thefemalehustlers
I like this quote because it shows exactly what God has helped me with through my loneliness and the extraordinary gift that comes out of it. I think most people are approaching this backwards and constantly trying to find who they are based on the people they’re with and who validates them and who they can fit in with, and that leads to so much heartache and insecurity.
“Don’t be afraid of the solitude that comes with raising your standards.” ~Ebonee Davis
Which leads me to this. It’s actually heartbreaking to me how many people stay with such toxic partners or friends because they’re just afraid to be alone. I have done this; I had a lot of toxic friendships throughout middle school that I tried holding on to because I genuinely wanted to be nice and work things out, but there just comes a point where it’s evident the person doesn’t value you like they should, and then you have to move on. To just tolerate that stuff when you don’t have to (for instance, it’s not a family relationship or work relationship you can just cut ties with), it’s sad. I think of this primarily with dating relationships; girls especially will compromise basically everything just to feel the tiniest endorphin rush of affection. It’s SO not wroth it. From someone who’s done, experienced, and seen both—people who leave and people who stay, be alone with God. Life is hard enough; don’t be with people who make it harder if you don’t have to be. That’s all I’ll say about that for the time being, but you have to get to the point where being alone is not a curse or the worse case scenario because it’s not. It is such a gift to draw near to Him and learn to “love yourself” (sounds super shallow ’cause the world always preaches this, but seriously, how can you love others as God wants you to if you don’t even love yourself and see your own worth in Christ?). To be confident in who you are, to be okay with not needing a romantic partner or squad of besties and on and on, that’s the ultimate power. If you’re still chasing people, you don’t understand God as you should, and you don’t understand your own worth in Him enough.
“If they’re not helping you grow, grow alone.”
Okay so I probably have shared 99% of these quotes before, as I’m pretty sure this appeared in my final high school blog post, but again, it’s worth repeating in hopes that if you haven’t already, you finally grasp this. When people say to be with someone who leads you closer to Jesus, this is what they mean. Life is about growing and maturing. You’re either doing that or you’re doing nothing—and that idleness will lead you to adopting more and more sin and unhealthiness into your life. So don’t spend all your time clinging to people who don’t care about growing just to have people. Your needs for growth and maturity in Him far outweigh the needs you have for connection—because true connection is at the heart of maturity in Him. You’re not going to get that apart from Him and people who have Him.
“A woman who knows what she brings to the table is not afraid to eat alone.”
Seriously—from someone who’s had to do it countless times. It changes the game. It’s just honestly so sad how many people go through life hating themselves and trying to avoid their own company. If you feel like that’s you, I would really cry out to God to make it clear how He sees you and for Him to help you focus on Him alone and no one else for awhile except those who would seriously help you be closer to Him. It grieves my heart to think of all the years I did spend doubting myself, but I know they were necessary because I had to learn all this somehow, and a lot of times we’re too stubborn to learn it any other way except through what clearly isn’t the way. When you’re fed up with how people treat you, exhausted with trying to find the right ones, STOP. Stop fighting it so hard. It’s okay to do life on your own for awhile. You can trust that God doesn’t withhold anything good from those He loves (Psalm 84:11), and He knows He gave you that need for other people, so trust Him with it. It’s not on you to make people accept you. It’s your job to obey and love Him, take care of yourself, and show love to everyone—and showing true love also knows when to walk away.
“They never tell you, the more you bring to the table, the harder it is to find someone to eat with.” ~@thefemalehustlers
So this is true that nobody tells you this. It’s one of those harsh truths you find out with experience and, honestly, what made me in so much denial of my loneliness for years because I was just like, how can people not like me? Well, there must be something I’m doing, because in a just and rational world, people WANT to be with people who have a lot to offer.
Well, the problem is that we don’t live in a just or rational world. Not anymore. And the closer you are to Him, it’s inevitable that the further you’re going to be from most of the world. But anymore, I just consider that an honor and protection. I don’t want to be another lost soul scrambling for anything because they don’t know what they have to offer—they’ve never developed it because they haven’t spent any time focusing on Him and the potential and plans He has for them.
So the moral of the story is that loneliness is not the worst thing in the world, and it’s a lot of times not because you’re doing something wrong—it’s actually more indicative that you’re doing something great. And I thank God several people in my family have told me exactly that, which kept my perspective on it even when emotionally I wasn’t there. So let me be that person for you now.
Bonus: “When the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world.” ~Timone from The Lion King and my roommate
Okay, I had to include this from my roommate—one of our favorites we found at the beginning of the year together. You’re actually supposed to keep obeying God and love people (still with boundaries) through it all, but the world turning its back on you because you love Christ is to be expected, so pay no mind to it and keep loving Him. 🙂
