Ah, this is another post I’ve been wanting to write forever. It’s no secret that I someday hope to be married and do put a lot of thought into my future marriage/husband; I’ve written two letters to him here and here. I’ve only scratched the surface, though, of this topic and my thoughts towards it, and since this is such a big thing many Christians talk/wonder about, I’ve done lots of reading about it and have plenty of things to say about it that I’ve been wanting to put on here. That includes anything from encouragement while you’re in the waiting season to if it’s even godly or moral to have expectations or a popular “list” for your future spouse. There’s a lot that can be said about this in general, and there’s no shortage of discussion about several of these topics in the Christian world, either. As someone who is still young myself and going through these things in real time, like waiting to find my future husband, wrestling with impatience, wondering if I can have a list of qualities for him and whether that’s right or wrong, etc., I have researched and reached my own conclusions on these things through always seeking God along the way. That’s not to say I’ve figured everything out or that I’m completely right, but I feel like I have developed a solid perspective on many things having to do with this idea of waiting for my future husband and what to do with myself and believe in the meantime.

Before we really dive into some of the main things I’ve learned and want to pass along about this topic, let’s first talk about getting our priorities straight. 11-year-old-me certainly understood the idea of having a vision for your future spouse, and in fact I had the type of guy I wanted to marry down to a science. Literally, I created a recipe that demonstrates the importance of prioritizing what you want:

Feel free to “steal” that recipe if you want; I certainly don’t see any reason to discard it! With that being said, let’s get into some of the common things people tend to think about most when it comes to their future spouse with a Christian perspective and some of my own personal discernment.

Your desires matter!

I feel like this is the first thing that needs to be said. If you’re not careful, sometimes a lot of the Christian blogs when addressing singles about marriage and their desires for it can be a little legalistic. It can lead you to believe that because the natural inclination is to fixate on this stuff, you shouldn’t entertain your desires at all. But both extremes can be harmful when you’re in the waiting season, and it’s worth stating: DESIRING TO BE MARRIED IS NOT WRONG. I’d hate for anyone to feel guilt about their yearnings to be married because that’s a God-given desire; He is the One who created it, and there’s numerous passages about it in Scripture that affirm its goodness and all that goes with it, from the beginning of Genesis to 1 Corinthians and about everywhere else, really. It’s designed to reflect our relationship with Him. The problem comes when we start idolizing those desires, which can be seen through obsessing over, fixating on, and worrying about wanting to be married. Especially as a young person, it can be really hard NOT to do those things, but I’ve learned from experience that when I do those things (I do it a lot), my focus isn’t in the right place. It does me no good to dwell on what I don’t have yet, so while I don’t dismiss my desires, I don’t want to idolize them either and act like my life doesn’t have any purpose until that happens because that’s just a lie. I don’t outright dismiss my desires, though; they won’t go away by pretending they don’t exist (I’ve tried that too). I acknowledge them to God in prayer, I write about them, etc., but ultimately I have to leave them with Him for my own mental wellbeing. The goodness that comes through marriage and the like is only when it’s centered on Him because He is the source of goodness, not the things itself, so if you can’t learn to realize that now, then marriage isn’t going to suddenly make you feel that way.

You can (and should) absolutely pray for your future spouse

God cares about what’s on our hearts (1 Peter 5:7). I don’t know if many Christians would make the argument that you shouldn’t pray for your future spouse, but if they do, I think they’re wrong and being overly legalistic about something. If you have the desire to be married and glorify God through your marriage, then that is from Him, and most likely He would provide that for you in His timing. Prayer makes all the difference with everything, so even if you don’t yet know your spouse from Adam, if you desire marriage and believe that’s part of God’s plan for you (and again, if you desire it in a godly manner, I’m sure it is), then you should absolutely pray for them. They are out there just like you, part of the world and living their life. Taking him or her to God helps you reflect on your PRIORITIES (haha…) and helps you release your urge to try and figure out who they are or worry about them. The fact that God even stirs your heart to desire a mate and want to pray specific things over them ahead of time could seriously be His way of making that part of your life and bringing about those plans since we know He listens to and responds to the prayers of His people. He’s already predestined them for His purpose, so definitely pray for them if you feel Him leading you to that.

Believe they are out there

This leads me into this point. If you believe marriage is going to be part of your life and one of your callings, then please, don’t be like me who spent half of high school doubting his existence just out of frustration/boredom. Waiting sucks, I get it, and the enemy will do all that he can to tamper with your emotions and thoughts while you’re in that difficult period, but it’s just a waste of time. The Bible says specifically not to doubt what you’re praying for (James 1:6), so it’s silly of me or anyone to believe that they are called to be married and are trusting God to provide them with a mate and then decide they’re tired of waiting on a given day or that based on their ~small town pool~ there is no special guy out there that you’ve been praying for or that suddenly it’s not going to work out. There is a song called “Prayed for You” by Matt Stell (AND I’M STILL UPSET I MISSED MY CHANCE TO GET TICKETS TO SEE HIM AT THE STATE FAIR RIP THOSE DREAMS) that I love and that my mom heard and thought of me when she heard it because it specifically talks about praying for your person and keeping your faith despite the times it feels hopeless that they’re out there. You have to believe and not doubt. You can’t let your given surroundings determine what will always be when God can do anything and sees infinitely more than you can. It’s easier said than done, which is why you have to be firm with yourself. I’ve finally decided to believe my guy is out there. Well, deep down I always have, but I entertain my emotions too much when I get sick of the waiting and decide he’s not. But I remember that it’s a decision, that me not feeling that he exists in no way means he doesn’t.

Throughout the difficult and lonely seasons of waiting, I’ve also found that this is helpful to remember to encourage yourself with rather than doubt. Reading The Chase by Karen Kingsbury’s daughter, Kelsey, and her husband changed my life and was the book that inspired me to do this. Throughout the book, they talk about creating your list, believing your person is out there, but also trusting God with it all. They also affirm that it’s okay to dream about him and have high expectations. Some Christians argue that dreaming about your future spouse isn’t good because it can be easy to get these unrealistic expectations and fantasies, which I can agree with, but I don’t think the alternative is that it’s wrong to try and imagine your future spouse. You have to have some expectations, and Kelsey and Kyle even say that they should be centered around his character. That’s really the key. I also still don’t think it’s wrong to try and imagine what he’ll look like or things he’ll do since that’s just typical whenever you don’t know something about the future; I wouldn’t say it’s wrong to dream about what college will be like if you’re looking forward to that. The difference comes into play, though, when you’re expecting all these things from a person, but that could be a danger with anything, where if you dream about it meeting all these needs for you and completely satisfying you all the time, then yes, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment, but that doesn’t mean you scrap expectations altogether. Have your vision of the things that matter most, know that ultimately only God can satisfy, and then trust Him with it. Don’t let your dreams become obsessions but do know ahead of time what you’re looking for so that you’re not persuaded by people who aren’t ultimately good for you.

UPDATE: Subscribe to my mailing list to receive a free printable of some of the prayers I wrote for my future husband after reading The Chase! They’re too funny…

These desires are all about Him

I actually love reading about marriage, sex, romance, and everything having to do with it and not just because of my hormones or my own desires to have those things as part of my life. I find it incredibly profound how all of those things reflect back on God. Think about the way people tend to talk about these things other than the crude stuff. They say all sorts of things about connection, intimacy, bonding, safety, security, adventure, passion, sacrifice, love, acceptance, understanding, trustworthiness, and on and on about another person and their love. That’s not an accident that people think that way about finding their person or why they long to be loved so much and love someone else in return. We were made that way in His image, and that’s why I love reading about these topics because as much as I want to experience the actual things in my life, I realize that these are ways for me to see God. Good marriages and relationships represent His intense love and devotion for us. That’s what the purpose of marriage is, that you have this sort of relationship and context and then raise children out of it that will eventually go on to pursue their own relationships that model His relationship with us. That’s the purpose of these things. There’s a lot of people who could explain this much more eloquently than I am right now, but for simplicity’s sake I wanted to keep it basic.

This is so important to fully grasp, though, because when you have this understanding of the whole purpose and design for marriage and love, you will see God in all of it, and your choices will honor Him, which will help you not to compromise or settle on things that do not realize this concept and bring Him glory. Make Him part of your entire life, including and especially your love life. It’s not His desire to make you wait or be lonely for the heck of it; in fact, it’s actually those feelings that show why He created us to seek out a mate and to mirror why He pursues relationship with us, and He wants you to experience the utmost fullness when it comes to marriage, intimacy, and all of that, so wait on Him for the best that He leads to you. Don’t let the actual gifts themselves make you turn away from Him out of desperation for them or put them above Him. You won’t realize their fullness, then. It’s seeing Him in these things that leads you to deeper worship and fellowship with Him when you ultimately do experience them for yourself. They speak about who He is.

You can (and should) have expectations for your future spouse

Okay, there’s probably two things specifically in regards to the idea of your future spouse that some Christians object to, and this is one of them. There’s the popular idea of having a list for your future spouse, which is essentially this, where you write out expectations or specific qualities you want them to have. That could include all sorts of things, and I think that’s why they have a problem with it because some Christians see singles using it as a way to just expect all their emotional porno fantasies to come true, and I can see where they might think that. If you’re sitting there writing things like multimillionaire, rides unicorns with you and makes you breakfast in bed every morning and what not, then yeah, you probably need to come back to reality. But with that being said, I don’t agree with Christians who think it’s wrong for you to have any sort of expectations or a list. Actually, I don’t think most Christians would have a problem with you having expectations because NOT having expectations can be just as harmful as having unrealistic ones, but it’s the list that I think can be controversial because of what you might be tempted to dream up with that. Realize, though, that’s it not necessarily a little fantasy sheet to please yourself but rather your vision for another flawed human being but with enough qualities where you know their heart is pure, focused on God, and therefore equipped to love and cherish and respect you the way you should be. That’s really what it’s about.

With that being said, I also don’t think it’s bad to have some expectations that may be considered more “shallow.” By that, I mean specifically with wanting to have some sort of physical attraction. That’s the second thing that can be controversial. Some Christians believe that shouldn’t matter much because it’s more about the person’s quality of character, and I can totally agree with that, but I don’t think it’s wrong to still desire physical attraction. I mean, you have to have some sort of that; it’s what distinguishes this sort of relationship from any other. I get their point, though, because you don’t want to objectify anyone or dismiss people who actually would make great partners just because of how they look, but the good news is that there really is someone for everyone. No one has the exact same taste. God can mold your desires based on who He’s already chosen for you, so I definitely don’t believe you have to choose one or the other. You have to be careful not to let physical attraction blind you to a person’s character, though, but that doesn’t mean physical attraction is something you can’t seek.

Your expectations should focus on character, not perfection

To be honest, I guess I just assume that everyone knows there is no perfect person because it gets on my nerves when people will say you shouldn’t have expectations or a list because then you’re desiring this perfect, ideal person, and yes, I get that there’s certainly the potential to believe that if you’re not careful, but it’s also a fact of life that some people are much easier to get along with than others because of their character. It does matter who you marry and how they act. The Bible actually says, when giving the main restriction on who you shouldn’t marry, that you shouldn’t be with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14). People who are at different levels of character, which would definitely be the case with someone of the faith and someone who is not, will clash. And when you have such an intimate relationship like marriage, that’s just not going to work. Somebody’s going to have to compromise, and you don’t want to have to give up any part of your faith to try and accommodate your partner. So yes, you need to have clear expectations of character traits you’re looking for, especially if you haven’t seen that modeled in the opposite sex. Generational dysfunction can continue if you don’t know any better or if you don’t know how someone should be treating you, so I actually argue that it’s very important for you to have a list and vision of what you’re looking for. When you do have hormones raging, impulsive decision-making triggered by those hormones and what not, you can easily confuse love with lust and all other sorts of harmful things. That’s not being selfish; that’s being wise and careful. We are told to guard our hearts (Proverbs 24:3), and nothing can manipulate our emotions and judgment quite like romantic relationships. Stay tuned, too, because I’m also planning to write a post that gives you specific ideas of qualities you should look for and what they look like based on my own list I have.

Don’t worry and speculate about the unknown, just trust

One of the mistakes I made in my impatience and loneliness was to fixate on my future husband and try to figure him out, like where I might find him, obsessing over making sure I knew what my “type” was or what my list would look like in a real-life person when I saw him, etc. I constantly worried, when I wasn’t worrying about him not existing, that I would pick the wrong person or not recognize the right one. It seems silly now because the very qualities I would be attracted to are the ones I seek, so why I always worried about “missing him”…I don’t know. I think maybe because in my impatience, I was always looking, which is what everyone says not to do, but I was always trying to figure out who I found attractive and then if they could be the one, and a lot of times I knew they weren’t, like my high school crush, but they were very cute and I thought they had a lot of the qualities I was looking for but not all of them. That’s where you have to surrender, though. You can’t go looking for it; that’s when you do rush into things and rationalize them. Let God work it out for you. He’ll show you where you need to be and go to naturally form your connection. You have to trust that; you’ll find freedom in it. Looking around for him doesn’t do any good. Thinking you’ve found “the one” (like I did here) and then worrying about how to make it work with them just drains you. God doesn’t mean for it to be that hard. When it’s time for you to have your special person, He’ll make sure it happens. One of my favorite quotes says, “God won’t let you miss what’s meant to be yours.” You just have to remind yourself of that as much as you need to. Don’t wear yourself out trying to create and find it yourself.

Don’t ignore your desires in the single season

So this is also something I’ve done lots of reading up about. It’s important that you acknowledge that you are a sexual being, which actually goes further than just your sexual urges. Wanting to find your person, wanting to share everything with them, sex included though not just that—truly everything—that’s all part of the way God has fashioned us. It’s important that you do understand a healthy view of that so you don’t write off any sort of sexual urge or just desire to know someone as immoral. Lust, which is definitely a very real temptation, is wrong, but the actual desire to want to express your sexuality with someone and find your mate isn’t. I hope I’m making it clear that there’s a difference between the two because I’m not condoning lustful behavior where you just fantasize about anyone and all that stuff. Of course, especially when you are young and see an attractive person, some of that is natural, too, but I just don’t want to condone lustful behaviors that can escalate very easily where you’re objectifying people, actually doing/reading/watching things you shouldn’t, etc. It’s definitely a slippery slope. And it’s hard, I really get that. I’ve struggled with it and still do, especially when sometimes what you see is out of your control. We live in such a sex-saturated cultured; I literally had to read a book for a class with a bunch of smut in it, and I’ll be very honest in saying that I didn’t necessarily mind it. What’s hard, though, is that you have these desires, and you don’t want to dismiss or ignore them altogether, but you also don’t want to indulge them when it’s not beneficial for you.

For example, I actually think I made this harder on myself because of my innate curiosity to read as much as I could about marriage and love and all that. Like, I was reading articles on Christian marriage blogs about intimacy that were intended for people in their marriage. I justified it by saying it was helping me gain a healthy perspective of what that looks like in a marriage, and to be honest, I don’t completely regret reading all those articles because it did show me how God designed intimacy to be in marriage, and I had that much more respect for it and the desire to do it the right away. If you just suppress your desires and don’t understand why you’re doing that, eventually you’re probably going to just rebel against that, too, and indulge them as much as you want. It’s only when you know what you’re truly wanting that you can wait effectively. But anyway, so while I don’t necessarily regret what I read, it did make things harder for me, though, because, well, I got specific ideas of things I couldn’t act on yet and still can’t any time soon by the looks of things.

This is why we have a Savior. In a sinful world, it’s impossible to remain completely pure in thoughts and with desires. I’ve had to learn to forgive myself and not feel such shame when I do fall short because that doesn’t do any good, either. Thankfully, His mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). Be very diligent about not putting yourself in compromising situations, though. While I haven’t liked being lonely, in some ways I do believe that was a blessing in disguise for me because I never had that direct peer pressure to do anything I didn’t want to do or be pressured to from a guy or anything like that. Also, when you’re alone you can use that time to draw closer to God, which is how I was able to become so knowledgable about all of this and gain a healthy perspective of it, and in turn, I was also able to reflect on myself, where I struggle, what I need, and what I’m looking for in this area. How can you truly know what you want until you get to know God and what He’s created you for? He will reveal that to you.

To sum it up, my best advice is to acknowledge that you desire to be married, find your mate, have sex, etc., but then try not to obsess over them, either. Find healthy outlets to acknowledge your desires, like through journaling, but don’t put yourself in situations where you could indulge them in unhealthy ways, either. Most of all, understand what God’s will is for you with those desires. It’s only through knowing that He wants you to experience those things in the best way possible that you will truly be motivated to wait patiently for them and honor Him in that season through how you handle those desires.

Knowing that you’re waiting for your one special person puts current struggles into perspective

Everyone experiences heartache to some degree. I wish finding your mate was a one-and-done, simple thing, but usually it’s not; most people experience some sort of struggle before they find their person. It has helped me immensely, though, to remember the vision of the guy I am waiting for, to know that he’s out there even when I don’t see him, and that it’s him I’m yearning to share my life with, not just some petty high school crush or anyone I find attractive. When I feel rejected or like none of the guys around me are interested in me, I have to remind myself that it doesn’t matter because I’m not trying to win them all over; I have nothing to gain from that. God already has the man appointed to me picked out, so why would I stress over what isn’t working out right now? Thinking this way and believing that your one mate is out there helps put things into perspective while you’re waiting. Because then it doesn’t matter if some guy you thought you were interested in turns you down or if you’re not winning over any of the guys around you. It doesn’t matter if one of your relationships isn’t working out. God can use it to make room for the person He does have in mind for you. Always be focusing on Him and how you can grow and serve Him through the waiting so you will be that much more ready and certain when your person does come along. Unfortunately, I think a lot of people don’t find the love they’re looking for because they are too busy chasing down all these problematic relationships, unwilling to surrender to Him and be still and wait on Him. You want to be ready when your mate does come along, not distracted by whatever seems appealing at the moment.

Mere attention doesn’t mean a whole lot

I was going to say that you learn quickly that mere attention from the opposite sex doesn’t mean a whole lot, but unfortunately there’s a lot of people who don’t learn that quickly or at all. However, when you know that marriage is about God and honoring Him, then you become aware of how much more there is to be found within that relationship than cheap, casual relationships or passing attention. People tend to think that if you add God into anything it takes away from this, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. He is the One who made all this stuff! And what He asks you to wait for, like not having sex until marriage, it is only to make it better and more enjoyable, not worse.

For most of my high school career, I did not perceive myself getting a lot of attention from guys at all. When I did, I would always second-guess it because I couldn’t believe it. I was convinced, though, that I would feel so much better if I could know that guys wanted me, that they desired me. I was convinced my beauty or what not didn’t have any worth unless I was recognized as such. I really put that up on a pedestal, getting the opposite sex’s attention, even if it was shallow and even if I knew nothing would come of it.

Flash forward to the end of this year; I literally thought it was never going to come, even though everyone would assure me that it would and when it did I’d see how insignificant it really was. It’s happened to me a couple times now through online chats with guys I’ve had mutual friends with or are also prospective college students at my school, and the first time it happened was exciting, but that was also because I genuinely did have some stuff in common with this guy. Still, it became evident to me not long after what his intentions really were, and that frustrated me, even though it had been flattering at the time. Then it happened with another guy, almost the exact same spiel, and I was also flattered but not as amused because I knew what to expect and it just wasn’t what I’d been praying for. And then it happened one other time, and I was just over it. It’s still flattering, I still always want to be nice to people who actually do reach out to me, but now I can just see through it all. If it’s not what I’ve been envisioning and praying for, it doesn’t mean a lot. It’s just words and attention that fades as quickly as it comes on. It’s just a temporary high until reality comes crashing down, and it’s not that great of a high to be chasing. It just mixes your emotions up, and that is not how you should be validating your worth. It was finally nice for me to know I was capable of receiving that, but I also had finally reached the point where I knew my worth regardless, and whether or not I got that didn’t change it. It truly is about having the person that will see yours, too, and work to cultivate a marriage that honors God. That’s what we’re longing for, and it’s sad how some people constantly try to convince themselves otherwise and stick to more shallow things hoping to find what only marriage and the right person could give.

Have confidence in who you are and your life now

One of the saddest things I see is when people don’t want to believe their life is good or full until they’ve found their person, and they won’t enjoy where they are now. I know I’ve done this at times before, too; it can be easy to do when you are tired of waiting, feel lonely or bored, or when you’re just thinking too much about it. I try hard not to get sucked into this, though; from a young age, I’ve never wanted to rush my desires for marriage because I knew that it would come at its designated time, so I was like, why waste this unique time of life now? As I got older, though, obviously I started feeling lonelier and more pain in general, and I started believing that just hurrying up and getting to that stage of life already would make things better. Or I would believe that I couldn’t feel beautiful and special until I had my mate. These are lies, though. Your life is already complete through God. Marriage is a good desire that He instills in many people, but it’s still not something you’re “less than” without. Once again, don’t confuse the gift with the Giver. He says you’re worthy and beautiful, so you ARE. You don’t need another person to validate that. He is with you and makes your life meaningful NOW, not someday.

I think one of the greatest gifts you have during your single season is to just enjoy your life, find out who God has created you to be, grow in your relationship with Him, and just be present in every season you have. Those are things that will stay with you your whole life and be valuable. Marriage and romance don’t just change that. You have to cultivate those attitudes and perspectives. It was only just this year that it finally started sinking in to me that this season I’m in now, where I don’t have any guy, is a blessing. It just takes so many burdens off. Isn’t it freeing to know that you can enjoy your life now, that you don’t have to sit around waiting for things to happen? You don’t have to go out looking for what you want? It wasn’t until I wrote out all my high school reflection posts that I realized just how much God taught me through my season of seeming loneliness and boredom. It gave me so much time and opportunity to learn things that will stay with me and be priceless throughout any of my future endeavors, including my marriage. I am that much more ready for it, and without all that open time to be still with Him, when else would I have learned this? Life tends to get busier, so I am beyond grateful that I can have this foundation now and enjoy these “slow” days while I have them. It’s such a gift to even realize that life is a gift. You don’t always have to feel that way; I still don’t always, but perspective goes beyond how you feel on a given day. I know that my feelings will pass and that when I look back, I’ll be thankful for what God has done in my life.

You don’t need to go look for your mate!

This is a big point I want to emphasize because I make this mistake a lot. Once you have your vision and expectations for who you want to marry and you’ve grown and matured in your relationship with God and feel ready to meet your person, it’s very tempting to look all around you and analyze all the potential prospects. Sometimes that can just be harmless fun, like when I pick out a cute guy on a hockey team to watch, but it can also quickly morph into another way of obsessing and worrying about your future spouse. God is not asking you to go find your person on your own or to handle this desire on your own. If He put it there, He will provide in His timing. I’ve heard so many people say it happens when you least expect it—my mom tells me that all the time. It is true, though. From my small interactions with guys that I’ve actually valued and that have reassured me, they’ve all come when I finally stopped stressing about making them happen. Specifically, I’m thinking about the hockey player I saw in this post and the guy I saw on my trip in this post. In the first instance, I had been obsessing so much over a guy I liked at school and wishing I could win him over, and then that happened with the hockey player, and I was blown away.

In the second instance, from the beginning of my trip with my mom and aunt and cousin, I had been hoping to find a cute guy and for something to happen, and this was the time where, because of the influence of said hockey player, I started glamorizing the idea of bars and going out and stuff like that, which I never thought I’d do. On the first night of the trip, my cousin and I really wanted to go to a sports bar, but our moms just wanted to get something quick to eat, and I knew I finally had to let my expectations go if I could truly relax and enjoy the trip. Then during the middle of the trip, there were these rooftop hot tubs at our hotel, and we’d go out there every night, and one night I wore this new bikini I’d gotten, and I kept hoping some cute guys would come and I even told God that, and I think I felt Him telling me that wasn’t His will. Nobody did come. He’s probably like, you’re being a skank trying to flaunt yourself for them like that, which it’s like yikes, there I went again doing things I said I wouldn’t. So anyway, I finally just accepted that and let it go. On our way home, outside of a bar (not in it) there was this one cute guy sitting there with some others, and while I was being babysat in the downstairs floor since the bar was upstairs, I could see him very clearly through this huge window they were sitting in front of, and that was fun. I also had clothes on that time, so that was a plus.

My point in sharing that, though, is both of those occasions finally came when I let my desire to go out and “find” my person go. When I was just living my life for the glory of God. When I didn’t think anything else was going to happen. When it’s His timing and His will, He will make things happen that you couldn’t even conceive of on your own, like my beloved hockey player paying attention to me.

It’s better to be single than compromise

To be honest, I don’t have much experience in the world of dating other than the *very brief* online conversations I’ve had with potential dates, but I can’t imagine that being in a relationship just to be in one or even just because you’ve found the most attractive available option but they still don’t meet your vision is helpful in any way. It might produce some of those exhilarating emotional highs I mentioned earlier that comes with attention, but the relationships would be shallow because you’re looking for more. You can’t fake that you’re not or dumb yourself down to someone’s level, and if you had to, why would you want to be in that sort of relationship? I’ve heard many people say that you marry at your emotional/maturity level, so it’s better to be single and growing in your relationship with God than busy compromising your faith in trying to satisfy the whims of a relationship that isn’t what He intended for you. How will you be able to grow if you’re in all the wrong relationships, chasing the wrong attention? Embrace your single season to be still with Him so you can grow all around as a person. It will make you that much better of a spouse and you’ll attract better partners—meaning that they are more mature, not necessarily that you’ll get more partners (in fact, you’ll probably get less, which often happens when you cultivate a lot of integrity and know your worth, but that just protects you in the long run).

Single seasons really aren’t in vain, so don’t treat them like they are

Oh, this is a tricky one. It’s also like the most generic one because I feel like this is what every Christian says, some form of well if you’re single, just enjoy! There’s lots to be learned! They’re not wrong, though. You just get sick of hearing it. I would say that, as a whole, I have finally been doing better with not constantly moping around about my what-feels-very-long single season and instead embracing everything I’ve learned and enjoying every bit of my life right now. But my emotions don’t always reflect that. Like today, as I’m writing this. I’m kind of just not in the mood to hear any of this; it’s another one of those days where I just am like great, I’ve learned a lot in life, now let’s start learning the fun stuff, like kissing. Anyway, I do trust God, though, that there is absolutely purpose behind each day that I wait. He doesn’t make mistakes; it’s all part of His good plan. It’s hard accepting that sometimes when you certainly don’t feel that way, but that’s where I’ve had to, once again, get out of my head “and into the moment” as many of my favorite quotes say. Meaning, I have to quit dwelling on how much I want it and start focusing on all the things and parts of my life I enjoy right now. Otherwise you will just obsess forever and waste precious time where you could be learning, just relaxing, etc. You don’t want to miss the valuable lessons God wants to teach you in preparation for your right relationship or the unique season that you’re in right now, so try to focus on making the most of it.

Use my mom’s analogy of pink balloons to help you wait and surrender

When I was in one of my darker periods where I was really struggling with ever believing anything good would come in my future, like my future husband, my mom, to help illustrate how I could trust God, used pink balloons as an analogy. She told me to picture each one of my dreams being in a pink balloon, like my future husband, specifically, in one of the balloons. It was my job to then release the balloons, let them float up and up to God, who would take care of them and watch over them until it was His perfect timing for them to come to be, where He would then release them back, and the pink balloon would come drifting along to me, and inside would be my future husband. I find that analogy absolutely priceless and I cherish it. In the meantime, it’s not our job to go chasing balloons. Is that the balloon?! When is it coming?! We can trust God to return them at the perfect time and enjoy life in the meantime.

You don’t have to (and should’nt) change who you are for any person except what naturally comes as you grow in your relationship with God

I have been tempted to make this mistake several times. I look back and think what was I thinking, but there were times when I actually worried about how serious I came across in my faith like through social media and such to guys who may stumble across it. I literally considered “toning down” my faith just so I might seem more…I don’t even know, like what was I trying to do, attract playboys? Probably. Like how dumb is that, that here I’m wanting to win over this Christian, morally upstanding guy, and my idea of making myself more attractive, I believed, was dumbing myself down, I guess. Or then I thought about my hobbies and dedication to blogging and writing, and I thought that maybe those aren’t considered “cool” hobbies, or maybe my passion for them would turn people off. I don’t know what I was thinking, honestly; I probably just fell for the lie that being an airhead with no real personality is how you get the mass of guys’ attention, which it can be, but if you’re trying to attract a specific person that will be complementary to you, this is the dumbest idea ever. I’m saying that to myself because I can’t actually believe there was a time when I thought that I had to follow society’s idea of what makes a girl “desirable” and thereby “turn off” all these major areas of my life and personality. Just being a party girl isn’t going to get you anywhere meaningful, and the same is true if you’re a guy. The person that God would bring to you is going to be filled with the desire for a person just like how you are, so you don’t have to sit there and be some person you’re not. You shouldn’t be, except for how you change as you mature.

I am at peace about my future husband now like I haven’t been since I was much younger after all the years of stressing and doubting about him/the future in high school. There’s a quote I saved that perfectly sums up how I thought during that season of my life: “THE BIBLE: Be anxious for nothing. ME: Ok but first let me be anxious for everything and then I’ll try that.” Well, finally I’m realizing that God, my mom, and just about everyone else who told me that worrying about the future was fruitless were right. Things will come in the right way, in the right timing, because God will take care of you when you surrender to Him. I feel like I regurgitated a bunch of common things people say about the single season and waiting for your future spouse, but hopefully these are reminders that can encourage you if you’re in that season or if you’re waiting on and preparing for anything. I want to write much more about this topic in the future because I feel like I’ve only scratched the surface, so be sure to let me know any questions you have or what you’d like to see more of in regards to this topic. What are some of the things that help or did help you in this waiting season?