Something special that’s been a constant for me since middle school is time spent with my family at hockey games in Wells Fargo Arena, watching the Iowa Wild and other AHL teams play. I’ve written about them several times on my blog, like here or here and even here, and I’ve yet to fulfill my goal of going to an NHL game, but I’ve already gotten some extraordinary memories despite that. And the thing is, even though they are fun memories, as I look back I’ve realized they are actually so much more—in many times, God has used my time at these hockey games to draw me closer to Himself and demonstrate His faithfulness.

Well, I’ve said numerous times before that I see God in everything, so now it should come as no surprise that I’m talking about Him in the midst of my hockey memories, but nonetheless it may still seem like I’m reaching. Honestly, though, I’m not. So many of these memories are more than just “cool” to me—they have literally been character development and specific things He’s done on my behalf in response to prayer and laments. They’re things that I’ve probably mentioned throughout other blog posts like my high school recap series, but I’ve not gone too in depth to all of this and how it ties together to my faith as a whole, and I really want to because it shows how profound God is in working personally through the things you love, the natural moments of your life, and the worldly or seemingly ungodly mundane environments you find yourself in. He’s truly in everything, and when you finally make Him your everything, you start seeing Him show up absolutely everywhere as you leave no area of your life unsacrificed to Him. I wanted to go through some of those highlights with you to show how God really will work on your behalf, even when you don’t see it, and not all these “highlights” I’m going to talk about are good, either. Character development is usually the same as literal growing pains: it hurts for awhile. Some of the best memories I had almost threatened to tear me apart when I wasn’t acting mature enough to appreciate them for what they were.

The Early Years ~ 2015: A New Way to Enjoy Life

I can still remember the first time I heard we were all going to a hockey game. I had gotten off the bus from school and my mom picked us up at a corner near our house and told us, and I just wanted to play my game MovieStarPlanet and didn’t really know what hockey was like. I knew of it but it’s not really a thing in Iowa; my dad had grown up in Minnesota so he knew about it, and he and my brother had been going to a couple games before this with our neighbor. I ended up LOVING it. It was such a new and exciting atmosphere I’d never been in with the sport being so fast-paced and rowdy and the crowd being the same way. Where my neighbor sat is right by where the opposing team’s bench is, so I think that makes our section extra rowdy, which was fun, and my neighbor’s always a hoot at those games, and he was there that first night, so yeah, I had a great time, pretty much laughed the whole night. After that, I started actually understanding the sport more and more as the boys were really getting into it, and we averaged going to anywhere from two to five games a year. In the beginning, I just thought it was so fun, I was only twelve years old just enjoying anything in life I happened to be doing, and it also served to open up my eyes to various people in the world and fun memories to be made, living life to the fullest.

Growing Up ~ Beginning of 2017

Flash forward a couple years of still consistently attending some games, and I was in my last year of middle school. Hockey didn’t mean quite as much as it did to me all throughout seventh grade when I was obsessed with Zach Parise, one of the star players on the Minnesota Wild, the NHL team. But I still enjoyed the game and, when my dad took me to a game right before my birthday with our neighbor, we had a great time. My dad and neighbor kept teasing me about the opposing team’s goalie I’m pictured with above, saying I liked him and making jokes about that. As lighthearted as it all was and as much as I enjoyed it, I remember that night on my way home I got to be reflecting a lot, and I decided to write a note on my phone to my future husband because the whole night, with jokes about marrying hockey players and what not, really put him on my mind, as well as the right, godly way to go about love and intimacy.

I think I did a ton of growing up in this year of my life. In a matter of months at the end of seventh grade, I lost several of my closest friends, and throughout eighth grade those other girls I was close to were beginning to get farther and farther away from me as they pursued their sports and other friends there and I just kept holding onto my faith. That’ll make you grow up real fast. It should be stated here that I’m not trying to portray myself as a martyr or even a victim; I—myself, and not anyone else—made the decision to keep growing closer to God. I didn’t choose or want what seemed to follow, which was me naturally growing farther from my peers, but I knew I wanted Him most and the life He was calling me to and not the life they were going to pursue, so it was how it was. With all that alone time, I started drawing closer to Him and the things He laid on my heart and wanted for my life, one of those being marriage. I really started learning about what a healthy, godly love looks like, and I began dreaming more than ever before of how I wanted my future husband to be or what he could be like, and when that got overwhelming in that I wanted him now and then, I’d have to pray specifically about all the fantasies I had because I knew God would remember them and keep them for His timing.

At the time of this particular hockey game, that’s the sort of phase I was right in the middle of. A lot of dreaming, a lot of longing for bigger things, a lot of beginnings in growing my knowledge of life and what I wanted for His glory. We also drove down into a more suburban area in the city to pick up my neighbor’s brother-in-law, and he lived in a gorgeous cul-de-sac area that I, of course, loved seeing, and then we got to drive all through the city to get back to Wells Fargo, and I’m all about those views, lights, people…it just makes me dream, every time. Of all that’s possible, all He could do with a life. That’s why I knew, even then, I wanted mine completely surrendered to Him so He could do His mighty work through it.

A couple months later, we attended what I believe was the last game for the season, and it happened to be on Easter… We started up with higher general seats but then were able to move down by where my neighbor was as seats were opened up. It was my first time picking out a guy—on our team, actually—whom I thought was attractive and I “learned” about him through Google. 🙂 He was actually far older (he looked great for his age!!) and I think it was the end of his career because I never saw him again after that, but all that only solidified not only how much I wanted a husband who I could have fun with and share these fun parts and interests of my life with, but seeing as it was Easter, I was all the more praying for his salvation and his anointing as a man of God who would respond to Him completely with the love and surrender He wants so that when it was ever time we could have this beautiful and powerful love for His glory.

End of 2017 ~ A Dream Come True Through a Borderline Miracle

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but even though Zach Parise wasn’t my full-blown crush anymore at this time, I had always dreamed of seeing him, and in my mind, there was truly only one way to see him: you’d have to go up to a Minnesota Wild game, and you’d have to get really good seats to actually see him, and that would cost a fortune. I didn’t see that happening in my foreseeable future, but I definitely dreamed about it and really wanted it to.

The funny thing is, I used to pray about Zach Parise. I don’t remember if I specifically prayed that I could see or meet him one day but I probably did because I know I wanted to, but I do remember praying for him, like for his salvation if he wasn’t already, and I was constantly telling God how and why I liked him (it wasn’t just his looks) because I saw myself wanting to marry a guy like him someday. I seriously never dreamed it possible that I would get to see him, right in Des Moines, playing with the team I normally saw. It legally just wasn’t a thing; he had a contract with the NHL that forbade him from being sent down to the AHL. That’s why things like this, you know it’s God working, and Zach probably wouldn’t appreciate this because it came at the expense of him having a severe back injury he’d been out with for a long time, and now he wanted to try playing a game at the AHL level where it was less serious and intense to see how he fared going forward. But this would’ve made my twelve/thirteen year old’s life!!! I was about to turn fifteen when I saw him at the end of the year, but honestly that’s probably a good thing God waited until that point of my life when I wasn’t as obsessed with him because I think it allowed me to enjoy seeing him all the more and take in the coolness of the experience as a whole. I think if it’d happened when I had a crush on him, I would have had an aneurysm because I would’ve been SO excited but also probably equally as stressed, since I would’ve wanted everything to go “JUST RIGHT” and it’s easy to be disappointed when your standards are that high; I even talked about that at the time I liked him in this post over my goals.

So there you have it—if any of you ever get connections with Zach Parise (WHO’S NOW WITH THE ISLANDERS, TALK ABOUT MAKING ME FEEL OLD—HE DOESN’T EVEN PLAY FOR MY TEAM ANYMORE!!!), you can send him my way and tell him that through his injury God gave hope and a renewed trust in the amazing plans He has for a fifteen-year-old girl’s life. And the cool thing about it now that I remember most isn’t even him (sorry not sorry Zach, I knew I was going to have to forget about ya eventually with you being married and all); it’s how God could make that happen when I truly never would’ve thought it possible—and knowing how He will deliver amazing surprises like that to your life when you least expect it to keep you going and encouraged in Him, knowing He does love you and cares about you personally and what you’re passionate about.

Beginning of 2018 ~ Foreshadowing

I don’t have a lot to say about this game other than I wanted to include it because even then I wanted to get a picture with Cy and felt like Iowa State was the school I wanted to go to. 🙂 This game was also during that same season—I was a freshman in high school. They had a bunch of mascots there, actually; Mom also made me get a picture with Herky the Hawk but I did that mainly to appease her to and to be nice to Herky. It’s just cool to see how God directs your steps and makes things come full circle!

End of 2018 ~ Growing Impatient and New Dreams

Two years had passed of basically total loneliness with my peers, and while at first I wasn’t bothered about my dreams as much, that shifted as my first year of high school dragged on. By the time I was a sophomore, I was fed up—fed up with not getting hardly any consistent or obvious attention from guys in my grade or other grades, for that matter, fed up with wondering why other girls could, fed up with not being able to attract the types of guys I wanted, and then fed up with my own insecurities as a result that always focused on how physically or personally I felt like I was lacking or the possibility of even finding the type of guy I dreamed of. I don’t know when the transition fully happened between where I thought of hockey players as these sort of untouchable guys I never considered possible to actually questioning that—and why I couldn’t attract or get the opportunity to have one of them, but I have a feeling it started with this game.

It was just a game my dad and I went to—still fun, of course—and I had been watching the opposing team during warmups because they’re right there in front of us. And actually, now that I write this I do remember the year before, during the game we went to with my neighbor before my birthday, how I thought the players had to see me since we were so close, and I just casually wondered if they did think anything of me, but I didn’t really dwell on it, either. Well, this time I did find a moderately attractive guy, and I just decided, after looking him up on social media, that I really wanted to follow him, the most basic attempt at trying to make a connection. His account was private so I was really nervous about asking to follow him but I did see he had several thousands of followers compared to only the couple hundreds he followed, so I figured he must let fans follow him.

Once I got over those initial nerves of debating whether or not to go for it, a sort of entitlement came over me. I suddenly felt this need for him to let me follow him, and I even prayed that he would follow me back. It sounds kinda dumb now, but at that time, it was my way of what I viewed as being desired, and I needed to feel that, I thought, since I didn’t get it from any of my peers. I worried that him ignoring me would just as easily equate to him being uninterested in me or outright not finding me attractive or attractive enough.

For a couple days I didn’t hear anything, but he hadn’t denied the request, either. Then one day I was walking to the other side of school where my mom was waiting to pick me up, and I was on my phone for some reason, on Instagram, and I’d posted awhile back about my writing progress on my story saved to my Instagram profile as a highlight. I had went to check the views on it (this was when Instagram still let you see who all continually viewed it even after 24 hours), and all of a sudden a shock of surprise went through me as I recognized his profile picture. He had viewed my story. Clicking on his profile, then, I saw he did let me follow him; he didn’t follow me back, but I felt flattered that he would even look at my story, especially since I remember it wasn’t from those past 24 hours. It might have been recent, but it was saved under my profile, so he would’ve had to actually look at my profile.

I realize that may not sound that great; he probably could have just been interested to see if I was a legit person or casually checking something, but in my fickle mind, it still meant a lot! Now, in writing about this, I’m not advocating this to find your worth—on the contrary, this ended up hurting me in the long run because I took it just as personally when another guy (on our team!) didn’t let me follow him, and he also had a high followers-to-following ratio. It’s all silly; neither guy knew me from Adam, so taking it personally either way it goes is not an accurate or healthy measure of finding your worth, but it showed those sort of lows I battled with my frame of thinking during this time of my life. I did appreciate the one guy looking at my story, because you do never know how you may influence people, but I should never have found my worth in it—because then as easily as you get that attention, when you don’t get it, you feel terrible and you doubt everything. That’s not how God intends for us to think. Our worth is in Him, period, and then any other little surprises that may come like that you can view through a healthy, rational perspective.

Beginning of 2019 ~ A Very Personal Answer to Prayer

I did talk about this time during one of my high school posts because even now, it still stands out as a highlight for me. At the beginning of January 2019, I was still a sophomore in high school and had a long fall battling my feelings of insecurity and worthlessness, I had a guy I was crushing on at school, and even though at times he gave signs that hinted at mutual attraction, it wasn’t going anywhere, so I was still left beyond frustrated, and at this time I didn’t hesitate in letting God know it. I began worrying that the sort of guy I’d always dreamed of just didn’t really exist or that if by some miracle he did, he would still never notice me or consider me. I’m far enough away from this part of my life that I cringe now and think about how much of a baby I was being about things, but the amazing thing is how God still loved me through all of that, and I see how my little “pause” in character development was still actually being used for just that. It was all part of His plan; none of it took Him by surprise even though it did me. And what’s even more amazing is how while there were MANY times—the majority of the time—where I didn’t hear His response or get a specific answer to my prayers and just had to remember His prior encouragement, there were times like this where He did intervene, and it did humble me and draw me closer to Him. He knows when to give little “miracles” like that when you will appreciate them and they will draw you closer to Him, but He also knows when you’re just being a baby (although in His infinite love I don’t think He’d call you that; He’d understand and be patient with you, as He was to me) and when there are some things you just have to go through and trust Him and all He’s already done.

I don’t really want to drag this story out too much because I don’t want to sound like a giddy schoolgirl or have this be about showing off some cool moment because really, it was a personal thing I believe wholeheartedly God did for me, and I want the emphasis to be on His response to me rather than the moment itself because, as you’ll see in a little bit, this too almost became super destructive for me. One night after school when we had our season tickets, we had a game scheduled, and we were all going as a family. I wasn’t sure if I even wanted to go so much because with season tickets, I’d already been to several games in the fall, and while I enjoyed them, I couldn’t get my mind off things like the guy I was crushing on at school and how badly I wished he could have been with me and blah blah blah. I was just getting bored and restless in life and hockey games were no exception, since they began making me even more restless as I dreamed of going with a boyfriend I wanted. I did end up going, and I tried to enjoy it even though, like any other day at this time, I couldn’t get my mind off this guy I liked.

When we got there, as pictured, the boys sat in front of us and Mom and me sat in the row we had tickets in, and during warmups I was talking to her about finding a cute guy to watch and she was helping me look. We did find one guy and I proceeded to look him up, of course, and I thought he was pretty attractive, plus he had a strong social media presence that was *public* and had actually posted content that reflected a lot of the values I had. And, he was single from the looks of it! There weren’t pictures of him with any girls at all that were recent. (That’s another thing about the hockey player who let me follow him—as soon as I saw he did have a girlfriend, I was upset all over again. I don’t wish to go back to those days where that’s how messed up my thinking was.)

The game went on and I kind of let it go because I still was fixated on the guy from school and I just didn’t think anything would come from the game itself—until he skated by, right in front of us, to go get positioned for the next play, and we were both staring at each other. Very quick thing, but it shocked me—and my mom. I definitely paid attention to him after that and, oh great, a new obsession began!

That wasn’t all bad at first, though, because I would come to find out (as much as you can about someone you’ve never met) that he was conservative like me, seemed to really value his family in a way not all guys do, had similar interests as me and a lifestyle I saw myself having one day, and he just seemed very sweet and wise in the few interviews I eventually watched of him. And I realized, oh my gosh, that’s it—that’s the sort of “type” I’ve been envisioning, and he is out there, and he DID notice me, at one of the unlikeliest of times—right in the middle of a game.

These were exact complaints I journaled about consistently beginning in the summer of 2018. I prayed to God over and over again about them and asked for His peace and help trusting Him with it all, but it got really difficult when I was consistently lonely and not having a clue about the type of guy I wanted’s existence or if he’d even be drawn to me, so that’s why it felt like a huge deal to me, because in my world, IT WAS. It was exactly the sort of thing I would have only dreamed of but never thought would actually happen. I’d been going to hockey games for a LONG time; nothing like that had ever happened to me before, and I really didn’t think it would, which is probably why I was so adamant about connecting with them on social media, because that seemed like the only thing that would work.

A couple weeks later, actually, we find out we had another game with this same team he was on. They were in our division which meant we played them a lot, and at that time, I’m really glad that’s how it was. I really wanted to see him again and hoped that perhaps I would still be able to get his attention again. I’d only gotten the one look this first night, though that was enough to hypnotize me (okay I’ve probably went into schoolgirl mode; it was seriously the first time something like that ever happened to me, though—the guys in real life who could do that or who I’ve suspected may have crushes on me never do that). I prayed to God about it and hoped He would do something special like that again. We all ended up going and I got all frazzled about our seats again, but it worked out where we could all be together in that row (because we only had tickets for the two seats in that section; the rest of my family being there depended on other open seats), but that worked out, and my dad and I were sitting there when he first came out. He was actually the first one and then started stretching right in front of us, which kind of embarrassed me because my dad kept literally pointing at him, but I don’t think this guy minded, which made me love him all the more.

Throughout the game, I had some cool moments with him where he did see me again, was looking at me, and then even showed off at times. I have videos and pictures of it, too, so I know it actually happened. I was just thriving off that attention; it brought so much excitement to the social life I pretty much didn’t have at home, and I actually did feel desired by a grown guy—not even one in my grade, but one who I’d literally see myself marrying, who was mature and fun and had a vision for his life and values clearly established.

That was amazing and all, but my problems were yet to come. The sad thing is, they were self-inflicted. This is what happens when people get entitled to His miracles: they stop paying attention to Him and keep demanding more “signs,” hoping they’ll get grander every time. My problem came in thinking I literally wanted to marry this guy, and for that to ever happen, I was going to need more. I don’t even know what I was thinking, maybe that he’d actually talk to me, because that’s not practical or anything during a hockey game… But I wanted to keep reveling in his attention, and even though it’d already surpassed my wildest dreams and I had proof of it and it already answered so many of my prayers I never imagined being answered so soon and in that way, I just still wanted God to do something big with it. This is also where in hindsight I see how He is never early; He knows just when you need to experience certain things, but He also knows when to cut that off because IT CAN’T go anywhere until a certain time. But I wasn’t ready for that yet; I was just dying for attention and big miracles like that after feeling lonely and bored forever.

The next time we ever saw him was during our last game of that season, and it was a playoff game that would determine if our teams got in, so to say the players would be intense was an understatement. Needless to say, my prayer didn’t get answered the way I wanted it to that time. I still had a couple little moments where I think he might have been noticing me a little bit, but the shift in his demeanor was undeniable based on the circumstances of the game, so overall I felt like I got snubbed, and I was very upset about that. I literally threw a tantrum on the way home. Just Mom and I went to this game, so she got to listen to me bawl all the way home and scream about how unfair the world, including God, is. There’s so many things wrong with that I don’t even know where to begin, but at the time, it was just a major letdown—my own fault, since I was so dumbly blind in thinking what God already did wasn’t big enough so my expectations just kept getting more unrealistic, and I didn’t feel like I got the closure I wanted. Mom even had to tell me at one point that I’m not five years old and I don’t just demand things from God and then throw a tantrum when I don’t get them. I did anyway.

I think what’s wrong with most people is they act like how I did on the way home and have that same terrible way of thinking. Thank God He eventually helped me grow out of that stage—and it lasted awhile, too. Probably honestly until God finally pushed me to get on pills for my anxiety, which was at the very end of junior year. I just had such an obsessive mind and put so much pressure on myself, on life itself, until I was wringing all the life out of myself and my days. Rather than being so very grateful, humbled, and forever appreciative of those amazing memories He HAD blessed me with, TWICE, instead I turned into an entitled brat who just wanted more and more and didn’t care about the timing or other ramifications; all I saw was what I wanted, and nothing else mattered. Even though I was so blind to—and here’s my line—”what I had right in front of me”—LITERALLY! I didn’t want it to just be a “season” of life; I was desperate to make some lasting connection with someone, and that’s at least understandable, but I just let myself get so consumed by it rather than focusing on Him, and it haunted me big time.

Hockey games did become fun again; I went with my dad and neighbor several times again, my grandparents even went to a game with us one night, and my mom and I went to several more later that fall that ended up being more enjoyable. For awhile, I was devastated about this guy. That fall, I thought I’d get to see him again for sure, but both times we could have he was called up, and then COVID happened. But slowly, with the shifting of seasons, God began removing that desire from me. Suddenly my life didn’t depend on seeing him again; suddenly I was realizing he actually wasn’t the guy I’m meant to marry (I guess I don’t know that for a fact…but God can correct me if I’m wrong), and that’s okay. I started finally appreciating it for the wonderful encouragement God meant it to be and proof of His response to my dreams and insecurities and how it foreshadowed what I will get someday, just not at that time of my life. It took awhile to accept; I cried all over again several times when I knew I wasn’t going to get to see him again. I obsessed over all the girls he followed and what not. But as time went on, He helped me find peace. I realize now what a shame it is to create problems that aren’t there, and that happens when your focus is not on Him and what He’s put right in front of you. Don’t do that. Seriously, you can waste decades doing that and then realize you didn’t even live and made life hard for everyone around you. I had two years of that, and I was the one who got hurt, needlessly, because I started worshipping a gift He’d given me and thinking that was everything rather than letting it be what He meant it to be at the time, intended to reveal to me more of His glory.

What I’ve Learned ~ The Later Years

Let’s wrap this all up. Throughout most of 2019 until the rest of the season died at the beginning of 2020 with the pandemic, I was still mostly an insecure baby, but the funny thing is how that next time I was supposed to see him—our opening game—another guy on his team grinned at me and kinda showed off when I was recording. I wasn’t even trying to record him; I was recording what was right in front of me because I liked the song that was playing, but that was fun. That happened a couple times with different guys, which of course I loved, but again, guys don’t make you confident. They just don’t. Until you find that peace in Him, it doesn’t matter, because for the rest of that season, I tried finding someone like this guy, and I just couldn’t, which was two-fold: it proved how good and special the time I had with that guy was, but it also just showed how discontent I was and not fully submitting to Him and trusting Him. I kept longing for better days, like when I could go to ISU, do fun things older girls seemed to be doing (I wanted to buy a black Gucci bag just like these one girls had)… The pattern always goes that way; you just keep looking for things to fill you up that never will. What I had should’ve made my life but it didn’t—because it wasn’t meant to. I made the mistake in thinking it did, and that’s why I kept seeking after more. It was a gift, some moments in time that meant a lot to me from Him, and I wish I would have realized that sooner, rather than trying to turn it in to something more when it wasn’t appropriate or time for that.

Plus, with what happened with the hockey guy, instead of remembering how God brought him to me without me doing anything/trying, once again I started putting pressure on myself, thinking I had to be like the other girls in his world to truly win over a guy like that. I became envious of all these older girls who would be out in big cities and living a lifestyle I actually have always despised, but I thought that was the sort of “fun” I needed to be having to attract more guys like him. So from then on and throughout my junior year, I compared to older girls constantly, looking at how they were all going out and thinking I would be having so much more fun/opportunities if I did, too. It made me completely lose sight of all the fun and opportunities God had given me that I never did anything for because I wasn’t even trying; I was just focused on Him and living an abundant life through whatever happened to be going on in my life. And I didn’t want to sin/make less of myself doing it!

Present Day ~ Peace Through It All

It’s probably a good thing I got such a long break from hockey after COVID happened, ending that season prematurely. They did do a hockey season the last year, but it was so different and messed up with all the “safety precautions” so we ended up never going. I’ve been twice since this season; my roommate and I went to the first home game of the season, which was nice and I’m glad she got to experience it, and then my mom and I just went during the middle of a week of my break when the road conditions were kinda sketchy. My guy got traded to a team farther away and we were scheduled to play his new team when we went, so I actually thought I was going to get to see him. I definitely wasn’t worked up about it like I was the last time—I knew better now, buttt he ended up being SCRATCHED for this game. I felt like a deflated balloon at first, but then my mom and I got some food and I think that gave me a second wind, and praise Him, I was still able to genuinely enjoy the game with my mom. It was actually a great game that ended in overtime—and we won after being quite a bit behind for awhile.

I enjoyed the views of traffic and the city, too; it took us awhile to get over there but going back home wasn’t bad at all. Look at all the people wanting to merge onto the interstate as we got closer to Des Moines—I thought it was comedic; Mom told me it wasn’t.

It’s amazing to me, also, how you cannot just go out and “find” the things of God. They truly have to be given to you by Him as He sees it being most beneficial to you. Because even at this game, I tried to get into it and check out some of his other teammates, and there were a couple who were cute, one who I looked up on Instagram but saw he was engaged. And I guess that’s sort of the miracle of this other hockey guy—he was rare, and for what he did that happened to me was rare. It was something I was able to recognize as a gift from the Father I take everything to, including my worldliest and most self-centered desires, and He showed how He cares about even those. Because I have never found another guy like him or had what happened with him. I always joke that he ruined hockey for me, but in all actuality, he made it. He was a good role model for me at that time, and it will remain one of my biggest specific answers to personal prayers.

That’s the biggest takeaway I want you to take from all this—give Him your everything. The majority of people don’t want to surrender to Him fully, even if they insist they believe in Him and follow Him, because it requires a giving up of everything you want and would try to obtain yourself. But what I learn every day is that we were not meant to direct our own lives. We think of losing our lives as a bad thing, but Jesus said whoever loses it for His sake—and you must lay it down in order to follow Him—will find it. And that’s what people don’t get. They think if they don’t remain focused on themselves, they’ll never get what they want. You need to realize that following God is, first off, everything you could ever want because He is Who you were made for—He created you. Also, because you are the created and not the Creator, no matter how hard you try, you will never obtain any happiness, satisfaction, or goodness apart from Him. It will not work, that’s why all the people in my life who are constantly looking out for themselves are still miserable even when they get what they want.

And also what we don’t get is that when you give your life to Him, all your dreams and desires, He will take care of them, refine them for His glory, and then give them back to you in their healthiest, most beneficial form. I could not have thought up something better for myself for that period of my life to encourage me than what He had happen with that guy—and for the type of guy He chose to have pay me attention. I’d never even thought about it happening, but He knew six months earlier when I was journaling about wanting to find that guy to pay attention to me and then when I wrote a prayer asking Him to help me trust Him with it all and I knew He would provide in amazing ways because He’d already proven that to me…and He knew this was awaiting me, too. He knew exactly when to place it in my life—probably through one of my roughest seasons ever. And it still will always humble me and draw me closer to Him, now that I have a complete, healthy understanding of it. And I know if He could do that once, He is going to do that with my future husband when He sees that it’s the right time. You’re not going to lose when you surrender your life for His will, I promise, but you will keep losing the longer you delay in surrendering every facet of your life to Him. Quit trying to make things happen for yourself that only fill your own voids and focus on Who you were made for—He’ll make clear everything else and bring you blessings you never dreamed of. You never know all He has in store when you follow Him—I never could’ve fathomed that one initial hockey game I ever went to would turn into all this, something that has grown me and taught me SO much about Him, and been one of the primary ways I’ve seen Him work specifically for me.

So to completely wrap up this recap, there’s one last thing I want to post. Below is a picture of me, the spring of 2019, a couple months after I’d seen this hockey player but several weeks ahead of the last time I would (and be a big baby). It was the first hockey game I went to after seeing this guy, and I got to see my neighbor and really enjoyed it with him and my dad, and I also was so joyful because seeing all the guys on this new team NOT do anything remotely close to what my guy had done served to confirm how special it had been and that I had truly witnessed a thing brought to me by God. I felt on top of the world and then took this photo when I got home that night because I felt attractive, but there’s a couple things I would say to the girl in this photo: quit letting external circumstances define your worth and life. It’s fun when guys you like seem to like you back, but it’s not the meaning of life, and it’s not the sole indicator of your attractiveness. Don’t lose your peace trying to make things last when God has shown you how He will provide and how He orchestrates everything perfectly. Enjoy every moment for what it is and keep seeking Him as the source of your joy rather than the blessings He gives themselves.

I only wish it hadn’t taken such a long, emotional year for me to learn that. I wish I hadn’t tried to degrade everything that guy had done by analyzing it to death to “prove” that it meant he liked me. I wish I never would’ve felt the need to obsess over every girl he followed and make myself feel like crap by comparing to every one of them, as well as the sinful, worthless lifestyles they were living. I wish I never would’ve doubted any part of my life through all of that but that I would’ve praised God for it and cherished it and that guy’s influence for who he was—a good guy, but not THE guy or the only one of his kind.

What God can do once, He can absolutely do again, and when you’re His child, He is always looking out for you and incorporating blessings in your life. They don’t always look how you think or come when you’re ready, but that is part of the miracle of His best. I’ve found that those little moments and glimpses of His glory and work like that seem to appear even bigger and better with time. That’s because when you genuinely enjoy Him and are already reflecting on and are so thankful for what He’s already done, you just get amazed all over again when He does something like that another time. It’s like when you think something can’t be topped, He’ll top it again. He will—when it’s best for you, when you already have that relationship of seeking after HIS glory and not your own, when you usually don’t think of it happening. I only wish that’s what I would’ve taken from this initially and that I’d never lost sight of Him like that, because I did, big time.

But I know now. I’m so grateful to God for the gift and reassurance that was, for the memories I’ll always have. More than anything, I’m grateful that through all my struggling, He got it through to me that I’m confident in Him and His provision and that I don’t need to worry about or seek out anything else on my own. I’m thankful for all the hockey games He’s blessed me with and for blessing me with the even cooler thread He’s been weaving through them all to show me His blessing, work, and favor in my life. And I don’t typically think about that hockey guy much anymore, but I do want to pray for him like I used to. I pray that he does draw close to God if he hasn’t already, because he was a unique, rare guy who I think God has destined to do great things. He knew from the start that hockey wasn’t going to be his forever career and he had other ambitions, and that’s something I really appreciated seeing: an athlete who didn’t view himself as “elite” and sports as being his everything, but only a temporary, fun part of a much bigger and brighter life with plenty more meaningful things besides.

I needed to see that, and God knew it. It may seem silly that a guy I’ve never meant could be used by Him to mean so much to me or how hockey games in general could become such a platform of spiritual and personal development, but I wonder, then, how closely you’re really walking with Him. Perhaps we just haven’t looked for Him as much as He thinks of us. Because when you give Him your everything, NOTHING becomes unused by Him. He will use everything in your life when you’ve given it to Him because that’s what you do when you get saved—you invite Him to be Lord of your life, ALL of it.

So to the younger part of me and all of you: keep seeking. Keep knocking, and keep asking—for more of Him, and not all the things you’re focused on that you want so bad. The biggest thing I see in people I know who struggle with Him is that when you tell them to pray about their worries, they say they do, but there’s no peace in that and often an undercurrent of frustration with God. That’s a good indicator you’re not asking for Him; you’re merely asking for what you want—and I did that, so I know. Ask for Him in everything and for Him to continually help you surrender to and draw on Him, and then ask for everything else that remains on your heart. It’s not that He doesn’t care about you, but rather, He’s inviting you to draw close to Him and to trust Him as the Lord of your life. Even when we are saved and have trusted Him, we still have to continually draw near to Him and keep surrendering.

It’s amazing what He will do in a heart and life completely focused on Him, the joy He will pour back into it and the ordained moments and provision that will color it. It’s not all prosperity, answered prayers (as you perceive them to be), and never-ending happiness, but it is a bigger than you can comprehend at a given time tapestry of beauty that He is weaving on your behalf for your edification, maturity, and ultimate joy, and when you look back, that’s where the meaning and purpose and depth of life comes from.

Even the shallow—hockey games, in this case—can be made deep, new, and glorifying to Him. 🙂